Instructions Not Included: The Adventures of New Motherhood

By Karen Savage

Savage shares with you the triumphs and trials of new parenthood from initial sleep deprivation (It wasnt even living in actual days really more like an incoherent string of two-hour chunks) to losing the weight (My stomach not only bears a frightening resemblance to a deflated tire, but also has the texture of an orange peel). Savage takes you through a journey of Airplane Baby Haters, Mommys Night Out, Developmental Races, making friends with the Tim Hortons guy, and the joys of shared parenting. Youll feel like your having a drink with a good friend dishing about modern motherhood. Karen shows you how to sift through all the experts out there, cope with your in-laws and dealing your own insecurities, Savage reminds new moms that just doing your best is what already makes you a great mom, and that sometimes all you have to do is just show up for them, no experts required! Karen shares the journey with you, with humour, honesty, and empathy. From the magical to the maddening, Karen Savage guides you through the ups and downs of new parenthood, where instructions are not included.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jul 12, 2011
• ISBN: 9781463406837

Karen Savage

Karen Savage studied sociology at the University of Guelph in Ontario. She later obtained a Master’s in the subject at Griffith University in Brisbane Australia. She studied Education in Ontario and is a teacher in Toronto. She lives in the outskirts of Toronto with her three children and their father.

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Instructions

Not Included

The Adventures of New Motherhood

Karen Savage

missing image file

AuthorHouse™

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.authorhouse.com

Phone: [phone]

© 2011 by Karen Savage. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse    08/12/2011

ISBN: 978-1-4634-0685-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4634-0684-4 (dj)

ISBN: 978-1-4634-0683-7 (ebk)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2011907278

Printed in the United States of America

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Cast Call

Introduction

Hotel Hospital

Bringing Home Baby

Let the Parade Begin . . . . Visitors, Visitors, and More Visitors

I feed this baby from where?

Becoming the M Word

Motherhood and the Just in Case Syndrome

On Getting it On

Is There an Off Switch Somewhere???

Mommy Friends

Doctor Visits

Competitive Mom Syndrome

Trust me, I’m an Expert

I Hate Skinny People

Developmental Derby

Grandparents

Emotional Motherhood

Date Night

My Child is a Genius!

If I were you . . . .

Is Fabulous Mom an Oxy-Moron?

What Errands Can I Run Today?

So . . . . T . . . . i . . . r . . . e . . . d . . . .

What is a Working Mom?

Daycare

Becoming A Noise Prisoner in Your Own Home

Teething Torture

Mommy’s Night Out

Your Turn, Daddy!

Airplane Baby Haters

The iStroller

Weight Wars

Brave New World

Not me . . . Not my kid . . .

Birthday Parties

Here We Go Again . . .

Conclusion

What I Wish I Knew Then . . .

Dedication

To Thanos, Sandy, and Max.

Acknowledgements

Thank you to everyone at AuthorHouse for helping me get my book out there. This book has been a work in progress for almost the past four years. It is wonderful to see it come to fruition. And thank you to all the other’s who said no thanks so that i was able to build a folder of evidence to one day show my kids that goals aren’t reached overnight. Thank you so much Shannon Galvan for the wonderful artwork on the cover. Thank you to my mom and dad for being my role models, my sounding-boards, my confidants, my relief, my babysitters, and my friends. Thanks to my Gramma for so much love. You are the ultimate care-giver, and your grace amazes me. To my brother Alan and my sister-in-law Kim, thanks for always being there for me, for always letting me bring the kids over for a play, for supporting my writing endeavors, and for all the hand-me-downs! Thank you to the best group of girlfriends a mom could possibly ask for: Crystal, Robyn, Shannon, Suzie, Tennille, and Vanessa. Your endless support, humour, understanding, and unconditional friendship sustains me. Thank you for always telling me I’m doing a great job, sometimes I really need to hear it! Thanks for laughing at my funny mom stories (that in reality might only be funny to me), and for listening with interest and care to all my other issues. Amanda, thanks for understanding my temporary mommy-disappearing act! If I can raise my daughter to be as motivated, reflective and empathetic as you are, I will be a very proud mother. Marta, thank you for knowing me well enough to say "How are you really? when I casually say I’m fine." Voula, thanks for being my first new friend in a long time. I don’t know how to explain how much it means to me, but I’m grateful that you came into my life when you did. To my friend Terri who’s about to be a first-time mom, you’re going to be great! Thanks Jimmy for riding (and loving) the rollercoaster with me. Love you. And most of all, thanks to Thanos, Sandra, and Max. You are the best part of every day. I love you so much there are no words to do it justice. Other things in life may change, but we start and end together. Mommy loves you.

Cast Call

Mommy:     Me, Karen.

Daddy:        Jimmy, my common law hubby.

Thanos:       Our first baby, born April 25, 2007

Sandra:        Our second baby, born July 25, 2008

Maximus:     Our third baby, born February 3, 2010

Yeah, it’s been a busy few years.

This book is a mash-up of all of their first years of babyhood (and mine of motherhood!)

Introduction

IT all starts with a small plus sign on the pregnancy test; such a small symbol, and yet big enough to let you know your life is about to change. Radically. You’re having a baby!!! Although you know your life is about to change, you really have no idea how profoundly. You’re about to embark on the most exhilarating, frustrating, joyful, rewarding, frantic, hilarious, loving, messy, exhausting, euphoric, amazing journeys of your life.

Isn’t it funny how you can expect to receive a hundred-page manual when you buy any item from Best Buy; how you have to write a test and pass a practical to get your driver’s license; how you have to be a certain age to vote; and yet you’re allowed to have a human with no real prerequisites (other than an egg, a sperm, and maybe a margarita) and when you leave the hospital, they hand you this teeny tiny little leaflet and send you on your way. That’s it!

There are books written by pediatricians, child psychologists, life experts, baby whisperers, and celebrity moms. This book is none of those. This book is written by a mom, for moms. This book is not going to tell you how to do things perfectly. It is not going to tell you a fail-proof way of getting your baby to sleep by age one month (sorry); nor will I show you a way to lose all the baby weight and then some in four months flat. This book is not going to tell you that you have to swaddle your baby, or how long you need to nurse, or whether or not you should let your baby sleep in a swing. I’m no expert, but I am a Mom, and a Mom of three, at that. I had three children in two years and ten months. No multiples.

My vocabulary is chock-full of baby talk. I care about the ingredients of my cleaning products. I know I look nuts when I talk to my newborn the entire time I’m in the grocery store, but I do it anyway. I know which laundry detergents get out poop and spit up stains best. I can suss out any stroller and all its features with a quick glance. I know who Julie Clark, Harvey Karp, William Sears, and Tracy Hogg are. I know what AP, and CIO stand for (you will too by the end of this book) I spend an inordinate amount of time in yoga wear.

Whether you got pregnant by accident, or have spent years (and your savings) on fertility treatment, pregnancy and motherhood will change you forever. Prepare for your world to be rocked! I’ve been there, and I’m here to share it with you. Motherhood is possibly the only endeavor during which you can feel joy, sorrow, fear, excitement, frustration, and love simultaneously. Not many people can relate to this, except other moms. If you’re feeling these things, you’re not crazy—you’re a mom!!

And I’m with you. I’m deep in the trenches. Sometimes I wish I could go back and talk to myself when I was a new mom. Knowing what I do now, knowing what I went through then; I feel like I could be a guiding big sister to myself back then. I want to give her a big hug and say You’re doing great! That’s a big reason I wrote this book. I also write to maintain myself, and my sanity. I write to remember. I write so that one day I can give this book to my daughter, when motherhood is upon her and she needs someone to turn to. It’s evidence. A memoir. What we’ve been through as a family; what I’ve been through as a woman. A few passages of this book have been typed with one hand, while the other hand holds a baby. Sometimes I write standing up, while I sway back and forth comforting some tears. Most of it has been written during sacred nap time.

My goal for this book is to explore parenthood with honesty, empathy and humour. I’ll bypass as many clichés as I can. Through my experiences, successes, trials, challenges, and embarrassing confessions; from the magical to the maddening, I’m here to try and help you sift through some of motherhood’s stickiest of topics. I’m here to try and help you feel good about your parenting decisions, and tap into your (probably very quiet at first) Gut Feeling and Intuition, and reassure you that just by doing the best you can, makes you a good mom. I want this book to reassure moms out there that you are not alone, whatever you’re going through, moms have gone through before you, and will continue to endlessly. We’re all part of a giant club, which ties us all together. It took me a while to stop feeling like an imposter in this club, like a fraud. It took me a while to realize that feeling that way was part of the rite of passage. Hopefully I can also entertain you along the way, and most importantly be a reassuring voice of reason along this journey of motherhood . . . where instructions are not included.

Hotel Hospital

IT takes a while to get over the shock of childbirth. I mean, you go into this room with two people, and you come out with three. Yesterday, there was no baby. Today, there is a baby! No longer are you a mother-to-be; you’re a full fledged Mommy It’s pretty mind blowing. Take a moment and congratulate yourself. You just had a baby! Take a mental picture and try so hard to memorize everything about this moment. It’s a doozy! You’re finally meeting this little person who’s been your belly buddy for so long now. The logistics of this whole thing are pretty crazy. On one hand you can’t get over how tiny they are. They look so fragile, so delicate. But at the same time, they look huge. Did this person really grow inside my body? My first son was 24 inches long. A two-foot person! Inside my belly! How wild is that?

Are they what you expected? Did you count all their fingers and toes (or like me when I had my second and was so desperate to have a daughter I looked down and said does she have a vagina!!?? . . . Hey, give me a break; I was pretty high on delivery adrenaline. You can relate!) Finally your baby is wrapped up burrito-style in your arms and you’re gazing at that tiny face. Do you see yourself in them? Your husband? Your parents? Can you believe you’re actually in this moment?

Sometimes it’s strange to see an actual newborn (especially one that came out of you). If you haven’t been around babies much, you might be surprised to see that they look absolutely nothing like the newborns from TV, who are actually all three month old babies. Actual newborns can take on a few appearances: The Gerber Baby looks adorable right from the beginning. The Alien is a slightly odd looking little one. The Old Man is a baby who comes out looking like a miniature version of your Grandpa. The Exotic ones are babies who look nothing like their mother. The Cone Head is, well, a cone head, and possibly had the vacuum to help them on their journey to the world.

My first baby, Thanos, was definitely a Gerber baby. He was crazy adorable instantly. When I look back at his pictures from the hospital, I’m still blown away by how picture-perfect cute he was. Sandy, my second, was an Exotic. She had this dark hair, and olive complexion. She looked very European, not at all like me. It was the opposite way around for my friend Marta and her daughter Natasha. Marta is from El Salvador and has a tan complexion. Natasha has the whitest, creamiest complexion. They’re both beautiful, but it’s like Marta is Princess Jasmine and Natasha is Snow White. Maximus, my youngest came out looking like a cross between an Old Man and an Ultimate Fighter. He had this peaceful old-soul quality to him, and also this crease that was at the bridge of his nose, like his nose was a bit swollen or something. I’m pretty sure the first words out of my mouth were He looks like he’s been in a hockey scrap already! I called him my little Benjamin Button; my wrinkle-free old man. He was adorable. They all were. I’m so lucky. Although every mom is lucky, I know that too.

I hear some women talk about how it took them a while to bond with their baby. How they didn’t feel the instant connection they thought they would. I was the opposite. I knew I would love my baby, but I had no idea that I would instantly, instantly, be madly in love with them. Bigger than I’d ever loved anyone. It’s a different kind of love; different from the way I loved my friends, my sibling, my parents, and even