"And All Your Dreams Be Realized..."

By Kaye Tillotson-McIntyre

Every year, throughout our country, approximately 70,000 juveniles are declared “wards of the State” and placed in one form of institution or another. The sad fact is that about 75% of those children will go on to become adult offenders. Why does this happen? More importantly, why does this continue to happen for decade after decade? Apparently the “intervention” steps that the professionals are attempting to perform are not working. What is the State, as the guardian of these children, doing wrong? Well, first of all, until the professionals admit that they are doing something wrong, nothing will change. And, unless you believe that all these children are simply fatally flawed from birth, then the statistics clearly show that the State and the professionals are, indeed, doing something wrong. But treatment of juveniles can’t change until the professionals get an understanding of what the kids are thinking and how they are processing what is being done. Unfortunately, it is not likely that the kids are going to tell them.
This book is a first person narrative of a teenager caught up in the Juvenile Justice system.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Kaye Tillotson-McIntyre
• Release date: May 6, 2020
• ISBN: 9780463425053

Book preview

Chapter 1

Mom was the only one home when the social worker came for me. Mom and I didn’t have much left to say to each other. She told me that she loved me and that she’d see me as soon as they’d let her come. Then she kissed me goodbye.

I reached down and picked up my suitcase. Mom looked like she wanted to cry. I wanted to say something. Maybe, I’m sorry for hurting you, but the words just stuck in my throat so I gave her another kiss and walked out to the State car.

I wanted to act like I didn’t care while my social worker drove me to the Center. I tried to put on a great I don’t give a damn show for her. I didn’t want her to see how much I hurt inside. I refused to give her the satisfaction.

My silence must have made her uncomfortable and she tried to start a conversation, Your hair looks pretty today, Kathleen.

I stared straight ahead.

It’s such a beautiful shade of blonde, she continued.

I dye it, I answered still staring ahead.

Really? It looks so natural. What brand do you use?

I don’t remember.

Kathleen, she began but switched to, Kaye, you must understand that the Center will only be as good or bad as you choose to make it.

Sure, it will, I said and turned to stare out the side window so I wouldn’t have to talk to her any more.

We had an hour of very quiet riding after that.

Finally we drove in through the iron gates, past the big square Administration Building and around the oval green. She parked the car in front of a one-story brick cottage.

I think you’ll like it here, she said as I pulled my suitcase from the back seat. I turned away from her and started up the sidewalk.

She introduced me to the cottage parent whose name was Scotty and then said, I’ll keep in touch with you so you can let me know if you need anything, all right?

I watched her walk out.

Put your suitcase here and I’ll show you around before you start unpacking, Scotty offered.

I really wanted to be shown to my room so I could be alone. Coming through the gates had made me feel like I was being swallowed by the Center. Everything felt so final now.

But part of me wanted to be near Scotty. I was scared and everything about her was so gentle.

She was around forty and her hair and eyes were a soft brown. I even liked her voice because it was kind of soft too. I thought she was beautiful.

So I agreed to a guided tour.

The living room was large and filled with chairs and two long couches, all turned toward the television. Everything looked faded and worn. One part of the room was made into a dining area with straight-backed chairs and a long table.

The other girls are all at school but you’ll get to meet them later, she told me as I walked down the hallway past the bathrooms, showers and laundry room. You’ve already seen the office so there’s not much else of the cottage to show you but the girls’ rooms and they’ll want to do that themselves. I’ll show you how to use the machines in the laundry room whenever you want me to. Now we’ll get you set up in your room.

The room she took me to was kind of small and had bunk beds, two dressers, a straight-backed chair and a large closet. It was so bare and plain.

Do you want to be left alone to unpack, Kaye?

Please, I said feeling scared again. This time I didn’t want anyone around me.

She left and there I was, thinking about what I’d gotten myself into. I guess I never really believed I’d be taken away from home. I didn’t like home but the Center felt like a prison already.

I thought if I could pretend that I was a reporter just living there to do some research maybe it wouldn’t seem so terrible. But it was terrible and hard to pretend it wasn’t and I felt so all alone.

It was about then that I realized I was going to throw up. It didn’t take long for me to remember where Scotty said the cottage bathroom was.

I opened the door to one of the stalls and knelt down. I was hoping by some miracle no one would hear me. But, in between retchings, I could hear Scotty’s soft voice.

Kaye, Hon, it’s all right, I’m with you.

I never threw up in front of anyone before. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I wanted to crawl away some place and hide from her.

I felt my stomach starting to turn again and I tried to motion her out. But she held my hand and sat with me while I puked all my courage down the bowl. So much for my I don’t give a damn act.

When I was finished we went into her office and she held me in her arms while I cried.

Chapter 2

Isettled down in my room and put my clothes in the dresser that was supposed to be mine. It hurt when I unpacked the new nightgown and robe that Mom had bought for me the night before.

At first one at a time and then in groups, the girls began arriving. They were all curious to meet the new girl. Although they were trying to be friendly, I didn’t know what to say to them. It seemed as if they all accepted the Center as a perfectly normal place to be and I didn’t think I could ever feel that way.

They wanted to give me whatever they had to offer. Loans of glamour magazines and records. Hints on who was nice and who you should keep away from. Art will rape you if he gets a chance so never walk behind buildings with him.

A girl named Lynn was especially persistent. She was shorter than my own 5’ 3 by a full six inches but she took me under her protection and ended up spending weeks teaching me how to inhale cigarettes, say frig it and fuck without feeling guilty and, in general, how to fit in".

Finally Carmen, my new room-mate, appeared. Although she might be a year or two younger than I was, she looked like an Amazon to me. She was a few inches taller than me and outweighed me by at least 50 pounds. Everyone left the room except for Lynn.

Carmen stood glaring in silence at me. Then she turned and stormed out. Lynn shook her head, Don’t let her bother you, Kaye.

We ate supper together in the dining room. Scotty on one side of me and Lynn on the other. Carmen continued her scowling. I didn’t eat much.

After supper some of the girls from another cottage came over and a few of them stopped in my room to meet me. My stomach had lost most of its control and got even worse periodically. I laid on my top bunk choking hellos. I discovered that I could open the upper part of the window for air and once, when I knew I didn’t have time to run for the bathroom, I just threw up out the window.

At that point Lynn stood guard at the door and began refusing to let anyone come in.

At last the lights out call was given. Lynn said good night and left just as Carmen entered the room. It was the first time she’d come back since our initial meeting.

We changed into our nightgowns without speaking. Then she shut off the lights and I slowly climbed up to my top bunk.

Good night, Carmen.

There was a long pause. I thought she had fallen asleep.

Then she said, I’m gonna stick a knife in your gut.

Chapter 3

While I was thinking over Carmen’s words, I heard girls shouting at each other in the hallway.

I’m gonna smash you face in, Brenda!

Go ahead, Susan! Just try it!

They exchanged threats, other girls shouting encouragement to one side or the other. Then the night staff’s voice joined in, I’ll call Mr. Stanton if you girls don’t calm down and get back to your rooms! When we saw Mr. Stanton earlier, Lynn told me that he handled most of the cottage fights and took over the Center when Mr. Jacobs, the director, wasn’t there.

The girls didn’t calm down. The yelling went on. A few minutes later I heard the sounds of them fighting and the thump of someone falling against the wall.

The cottage staff began shouting again and then I heard a man’s voice.

He started arguing with the girls and then told Susan that he was taking her to Detention.

He must have tried to force her to go because she yelled, Take your friggin’ hands off me, Stanton! You don’t scare me!

The sounds of pushing and shoving went on. Finally the door slammed and the cottage was quiet.

I hoped I’d make it through my three months at the Center.

Chapter 4

The next day was Saturday. I felt numb inside as if I was acting out a bad dream. But at least I was back in control of my stomach again.

Saturdays at the Center were Job Days. After breakfast everyone had one major cleaning job to do in addition to their own rooms.

New girls were exempt for their first week so I roamed around finding out where things were and talking a bit to some of the girls I’d met the day before.

Lynn assured me that a lot of girls were sick or blew fits on their first day. No one thought I was particularly strange. She also assured me that Art was not a rapist, the girls just wanted to see how I’d react to their saying it.

And she explained why Carmen hated me. Her former roommate, her best friend, had been sent to another institution. Carmen blamed me because I had taken her place.

I asked Lynn about Detention.

Well, if you get the staff pissed off at you, there’s a few things they do to you. If you weren’t too bad, they put you on ‘grounds restriction’, that means you can’t go off-grounds for any reason except school so you can’t go to the Del or anything like that. If you got them more pissed off, they can put you on ‘cottage restriction’, that means except for school and meals you can’t go outside the cottage so that means you can’t go visit other cottages or go hang out on the Oval or anything. Now if you really pissed them off, they’ll put you on ‘room restriction’. That means that except for school or to see the social worker, you can’t go out of your room and no one can come into your room to visit you either. And if you really, really piss them off, they’ll throw you in Detention. You don’t want to go there, you get locked up in a room by yourself and you can’t come out for anything.

Just how long do these things last?

Depends on what you did. Could be a couple of hours, could be a couple of weeks. Oh yeah, they can take away your home visits too. But they don’t do that very often.

That afternoon the kids at Girls Cottage sent a message asking me to visit them. Since there had been constant yelling and one fight in my cottage already that day, I was relieved to have some place else to go.

Although it was very awkward to meet the kids at Girls Cottage, some of them tried so hard to be friendly that I was even able to laugh a little at the stories they told about the staff.

As I was about to go back to my cottage someone introduced me to a black girl named Dale. She had beautiful hair and I complimented her on it. She asked if I’d like to set it for her later. When I told her I had to leave, she pulled her wig off, handed it to me and said, Here. Take it with you.

Chapter 5

Sunday was kind of quiet. Lynn and I decided to take a walk around the grounds.

There was the Administration Building, a gym, an Infirmary, and four resident houses. Two of the houses were divided in half so technically there were six cottages containing about seventy kids in all. Two cottages were for the girls and the rest were for boys. The boys’ cottages were divided into the different age groups. My cottage was one of the houses divided into two. The girls’ side was called Cottage North.

In the middle of all this was a green. They called it the Oval. It was where most of the kids hung out. Almost everyone seemed to be normal and that wasn’t at all what I’d expected. They seemed pretty much like kids you’d meet anywhere except that most of them were a little more outgoing then I was used to.

But I saw the big iron fence that went all the way around the grounds. There were two iron gates. Lynn told me they were almost always kept unlocked. But it made me feel lost and trapped again and I wondered when I could start having visitors from home. I wondered if Mom would bring Ricky. I didn’t know whether or not I wanted him to see this place.

As we walked in front of one of the cottages I saw a girl who was about fifteen sitting on the steps. She was wearing a white sailor suit complete with hat. She smiled and waved at us.

I asked Lynn about her.

Oh that’s Connie. Every Sunday morning she puts on that suit cuz her father gave it to her. And she waits on the steps for her family to come. But I’ve been here a year and they haven’t come yet. After dark she stops waiting.

Chapter 6

It was strange to get used to eating breakfast with so many people. At home I always ate breakfast alone or just with Ricky. We had a kind of routine of who woke who up. When Sharon and Ellen were still living at home, Dad would wake up Sharon just before he left for work at 5:30 am. She would wake up Ellen just before she left at 6:30 am. Ellen would wake me up as she was leaving at 7:30 am. I would wake up Ricky and get us ready to be at school at 9 am. Just before I left the house, I’d wake up Mom. After Sharon got married and left home, Dad would wake up Ellen. Then after Ellen got married and left home, I would be the one Dad woke up at 5:30 and then I had to wait two hours in the quiet house before I woke Ricky. Mornings were always so lonely for me and I hated them most of all. Mornings just felt cold and dark and lonely. So it was very strange to have someone make breakfast for me and to have so many people to talk to. But I worried about how alone Ricky must be with no one to make him breakfast any more. Not that I ever made him much, just cold cereal but I always tried to make sure he had the kind he liked. Captain Crunch and Cocoa Krispies were his favorites. I never ate anything, I just had a cup of tea or two.

And no matter what Mom or Dad said to the social workers or judge, no one cared whether or not any of us went to school. Once Sharon transferred to a technical school, she really liked going and joined as many school clubs as she could. But Ellen skipped school even more than I did and no one said anything. She quit school the minute she turned sixteen. It wasn’t any big deal to anyone. Ricky stayed home almost as much as I did. If we didn’t feel like going, we just told Mom and she said OK. But even if we really were sick, we just took care of ourselves.

After breakfast at the Center, there was a little time to make our beds before we had to be at the Center school.

The school wasn’t much. There were several classrooms scattered throughout a couple of different buildings at the Center. Each classroom had one teacher and about five or six students. The teacher taught all different grades at the same time depending on how far each kid had gotten in regular school. There wasn’t a lot of schoolwork for me to do because I’d never had a hard time learning things. I got through my assignments fairly quickly and spent most of the day looking out the window.

Chapter 7

Toward the end of the first week Mrs. Golton, one of the cottage staff, knocked on my door and came in.

Kaye, have you had your period yet?

Yeah, I had it over a week ago. Why?

Kaye, you’re supposed to tell us when you’ve had your period.

Why? I asked.

So I can write it in the Log Book, she answered.

I sat there and looked at her. I didn’t like the idea of having to announce monthly that I’d had my period. That was private.

She continued, Kaye, you’re also supposed to tell us when you take a bath or shampoo your hair so we can mark it down.

That got me angry. My hair was shiny so I’d obviously been washing it. My body didn’t smell so I’d been taking baths, and my stomach was flat so I’d been having my periods. I wondered if they wanted to know when I used the toilet.

Come on, Mrs. Golton, that’s dumb.

Those are the rules, Kaye, so from now on, follow them. You’re new so I won’t report you this time but I will in the future, she said as she left the room.

The rules, the rules. I understood that the Center was an institution and had to have rules, but the business about the baths, shampoos and especially the periods was embarrassing.

Then there was the rule about passes too.

Although most kids were allowed off-grounds daily, the staff had to OK each trip with a signed pass. I could understand that part of it but, a pass was needed to go anywhere outside of your own cottage.

A pass to go to Girls Cottage, a pass to go to the Administration Building, a pass to go to the Infirmary, and a pass to go to school. Technically you needed a pass to hang out on the Oval between buildings even though there was no one to look at the pass when you got there.

On the pass was written the time you left, where you were going and what time you should return. And it had to be re-signed by whoever you went to see to make sure that was where you really went.

Maybe it was true that the gates were never locked but there were more kinds of fences at the Center than the iron ones.

Chapter 10

Istayed awake late that night concentrating on not turning over onto the side with my sore ear. I’d made it through almost a week at the Center. It was hard to believe. Most of the time I just felt numb and like nothing was real. A lot of the time I didn’t realize someone was talking to me until they raised their voice and called my name. Three months seemed so far away. And maybe a year? I knew I couldn’t do that. I didn’t know how anyone could but a lot of the kids had.

Once I had seen a movie called Boys’ Town. Spencer Tracy was a priest who ran a place for young boys that everyone else had called bad. But he believed they weren’t bad at all. He believed that if someone just gave them a chance, they’d show that they were good and worth giving love to. And he knew how to help them talk about the bad stuff that had happened to them and he made them feel like it wasn’t their fault. In the end they knew he loved them and they loved him because of it and the place became a real home for them.

Before I’d come to the Center I’d wanted to think that this place would be like that. I knew it wasn’t going to be but I tried to force myself into believing it might be. That was the only way I could get myself to come. I’d hoped so much that the staff would be like that first social worker, Miss Davids, or Spencer Tracy in that movie. And when I’d met Scotty she’d been so warm and gentle, I thought maybe my hope wasn’t so stupid after all. I thought maybe it would be OK. But most of the other staff weren’t like Scotty. A couple of them seemed OK but just two or three of the girls took up all their time talking to them in the office with the door shut. Most of the other staff shouted almost as much as the kids did or just ignored what was going on and shut themselves in the office. The only time you’d see them is when they called us for meals, told us to go to school or that it was time to go to bed.

It seemed like if I was going to make it through my time at the Center I’d have to find another way to do it. Maybe the reporter game wasn’t such a bad idea or maybe if I could make enough friends with the kids like Lynn, Foxie and Elaine.

Chapter 8

Everything at the Center was scheduled.

The kids explained to me that on weekdays you got up at 6:30, breakfast at 7, on-grounds school from 9 to 11:30, lunch at noon, school again from 1 to 3, supper at 5, snacks at 7:30 and lights out at 10 pm.

A lot of the girls complained about all the scheduling but I didn’t care too much about that part of it.

Then they told me about the rest of the schedules.

The social workers and the judge had lied to me about the way things were at the Center.

Before I was placed there they said my family could visit right away, that I could go home every weekend, and that I could leave for good in three months or even sooner if I didn’t like it.

That was a lie. It was all lies.

After I talked with the kids, I asked the Center staff about it. They told me the Center regulations were that I wasn’t allowed off-grounds for a week, my family couldn’t come for two weeks, and that I could only go home on some weekends after I’d been there for two months.

I asked the staff about my leaving for good after three months. All they would say was that it would be decided at my staffing.

But the kids said that no one left the Center, unless to go someplace worse, before a year.

A year. The lying bitches.

Chapter 9

K aye, do you want to have your ears pierced? Elaine, one of the cottage girls asked me during lunch.

I don’t know. I never really thought about it before. Why?

Foxie, over at Girls Cottage, can do it for you. She did mine this morning.

Does it hurt much?

I’ll have her come over after supper. She’ll show you. OK?

I nodded wondering if I was making a big mistake. But if this is what it took to fit in with the kids at the Center I decided to try.

That night Elaine arrived at my room with a girl who reminded me of a fifteen year old Natalie Wood.

Kaye, this is Foxie.

Elaine said you want your ears done, Foxie said holding up a paper bag.

Well, I’m not sure yet. What’s in the bag? I asked.

A needle, a tray of ice cubes, a clothespin, and a potato, she answered emptying the stuff out on my dresser, Oh yeah, and here’s a pair of plain hoops you can use until you get your own earrings.

I looked at the pile on the dresser.

I use the ice cubes to numb your ear. I’ve seen people use the clothespin and the potato so I always bring them along just in case. Why don’t you sit over there on the bed? I’ll freeze one of your ears first and then you can decide if you want me to pierce them for you.

We all took turns holding ice cubes on my ear.

You any relation to someone who used to be at the State Hospital? she asked after we’d been talking for a while.

Yeah, but I don’t like to admit it much. She’s a cousin of mine. Why? I really disliked my cousin and I felt uncomfortable with anyone who did like her.

Cuz I used to beat her up once a week. Wow, she’s a real ass and she asked for it. I’m glad you’re not like her, Foxie explained.

We spent some time talking about her and I enjoyed hearing Foxie’s stories about both my cousin and the hospital.

Too soon though my ear was numb and it was time to decide.

All right, I said holding Elaine with one hand and the bedpost with the other, Go ahead and do it.

To my surprise, it really didn’t hurt much but the sound of the needle going through my ear was weird. It crunched.

When she finished and had the earring in, she said, OK, let’s freeze the other one.

Well, we tried. We tried a tray and a half of ice cubes, we tried holding the clothespin closed on my ear for ten minutes. But we couldn’t make my ear numb.

Foxie, I can’t have one ear pierced and not the other one!

I don’t know what else to do for you though!

OK, put the potato behind my ear and we’ll try anyway.

Elaine held my hand and I gripped even tighter than before onto the bedpost.

Ready? Foxie asked.

I bit down hard and nodded.

Ow! Son of a bitch! I yelled and Foxie stopped.

Kaye, Elaine began, it’s gonna hurt a lot worse when something big happens… like when you have a baby.

I don’t want to have a baby! I yelled a little too loudly.

My door opened and Mrs. Anderson looked at the three of us. From her angle she couldn’t see any of the ear piercing materials.

Is everything all right in here, girls? she asked.

We all smiled and nodded our heads.

Kaye, do you want to tell me anything?

No, Mrs. Anderson. Everything’s fine.

She looked at the three of us again and then slowly closed the door.

We stayed quiet until we heard her walk down the hallway.

Then I said, Great. Now they probably think I’m pregnant.

With that we all burst out laughing and officially gave up on my un-numb ear.

Chapter 11

Iwas finally allowed off-grounds on exactly the seventh day. A couple of us walked down to the Ville. It was a few blocks from the Center and had a drug store, a grocery store, and the Del. That was a combination diner and delicatessen with a juke box. It became my favorite place to go when I needed a break from the Center.

The two men who owned the Del liked having the Center kids there. They laughed at the kids’ stories and made me feel welcome. They seemed to understand how out of place I felt.

While we were there, a wealthy lady came in with her dog, a Pekinese. She ordered a pound of chopped liver and said it was for the dog.

John, one of the owners, looked at the dog with the pink bow in its hair, looked at the lady, and then back at the dog again.

She informed John that the dog’s name was Percy and that he slept on a velvet pillow, loved having the bows put on his head and would only eat fresh chopped liver.

John said, If you ask me, Lady, your dog’s a fairy.

We all choked on our soda.

The lady left without the liver.

John gave us all free Cokes and we toasted Percy, the Fairy Dog.

Chapter 12

Lynn and I walked back on-grounds but when we tried to go into the cottage, we found our way blocked by Carmen.

Carmen and Connie, the girl I’d seen in the sailor suit, were standing on the cottage steps arguing.

He’s a pig and you know it! That’s the only kind that would go out with you! Connie taunted.

You shut your fuckin’ mouth! You think you know so damn much! I don’t see any guys coming around you! Carmen shouted back.

I wouldn’t want the kind you’re stuck with! Pigs, pigs, that’s all they are! yelled Connie.

Carmen grabbed Connie’s arm and took a handful of her hair. Connie spun around and hit Carmen. Blood started to flow from Carmen’s lip. The two pulled and twisted trying to break free from each other’s grip.

I stood staring. This was not what anyone had told me the Center would be like.

Jesus Christ! Does this go on all the time here? I asked Lynn, trying to make myself heard over the shouting of the two girls.

Don’t worry, Kaye, you’ll get used to it, Lynn answered.

But I didn’t believe I ever could.

Chapter 13

Elaine came back from the weekend at home. We could hear her bitching all the way down the hall. She got into two arguments before she made it into her room.

Peggy came in and told me that Elaine was upset and wanted to talk me in her room.

I grabbed my cigarettes and went in to see her. Elaine was crying. I sat down beside her.

Kaye, my father’s gone bankrupt! We’ve never been without money before! I don’t want to stay here but they said I have to now!

I tried to talk to her but there wasn’t much I could say. My family had always been poor. I didn’t see what her family losing its money had to do with her being at the Center.

I stayed with her until lights out but when I left she was no better than when I’d first seen her.

About a half hour later, I heard Mrs. Tremar’s voice in the hallway. It sounded like she was trying to calm Elaine down so I got up and went out.

Elaine was standing there with a dozen razor cuts on her arm. Some of them were starting to bleed. Mrs. Tremar took her to the Infirmary.

Later a few of the girls joked about it because none of the cuts were deep enough to need stitches. Everyone said she just did it for the attention.

She was faking it, insisted Peggy.

Yeah, Elaine likes it when Jacobs or Stanton makes a big deal out of her bullshit, Susan said. But I couldn’t stop thinking about Elaine cutting herself and I told them I didn’t think she was bullshitting, the cuts on her arm looked real to me.

Those cat scratches? Bullshit! Carmen argued, Look if she’d really wanted to kill herself and was gonna use a razor, she would have cut her ankles. It works better.

Yeah, or she could have put her hand through a window, but she’s too scared to, added Brenda, There’s two ways to do that. If you don’t want to hurt yourself too much, you make a fist and put it straight through. But if you really want to cut yourself, you make a fist but bend it up at the wrist so you hit the glass with the bottom of your hand. That way you cut the wrist better.

I wasn’t an authority on any of that so I had to think about it for a minute or two. Then I said, But, doesn’t it hurt when you put your hand through a window?

Shit no, Carmen laughed, Not until the nurse starts picking the glass out anyway!

I looked at all of them. Even thirteen year old Dianne had the same scars on her wrists and hands as the older girls. I wondered if after they left the Center it would be hard for them to explain to other people how they got all those scars, but I didn’t ask.

Chapter 14

Ihad just returned from Girls Cottage and was walking across the Oval when I heard Elaine scream, You stinkin’ bitch! Liar! I know damn well you stole it!

Elaine was leaning out her bedroom window and Carmen was about ten feet away from her on the sidewalk outside.

You watch what you’re saying and you watch what you’re calling me! I don’t have to take your shit! Carmen shouted back.

Maybe you’d like me to ask Stanton to check your room! Elaine threatened.

Maybe you’d like me to beat the shit out of you! Carmen returned.

Elaine disappeared from the window. Carmen started walking away from the cottage. Suddenly Elaine ran out the front door with something in her hands. It was a one gallon fish bowl.

Elaine threw it and it landed with a shattering of glass a few inches behind Carmen. Bits of glass were sticking in Carmen’s pants legs. She turned and ran after Elaine.

But Elaine was already in the cottage yelling, Ma! Ma Anderson! as she ran down the hallway. Elaine was always doing that. She’d start a fight and then go running for a cottage parent.

I wished I didn’t have to go back into the cottage.

I sat on the front steps and smoked two cigarettes before I went inside to turn in my pass.

Chapter 15

The first time my parents and brother came to visit was awkward for all of us. We didn’t know quite what to say to each other.

It was Ricky who helped things along. He had an afternoon newspaper route and he told me he saved his money to buy me a present.

He went out to the car and brought back a parakeet in a cage and said, This is so you don’t get lonely here.

There was a rule against having pets at the Center but there was no way I would give up his gift. I think the staff must have known that because no one ever asked me to.

The rest of the visit was better. Although Carmen was still angry at me, she was polite to my family. And the other girls really took to my mother, a lot of them calling her Mom.

As my family was leaving, the house parent on duty that day came to talk with them. It was Mrs. Anderson. She was a broad lady with more than her fair share of bustline.

She spoke to my parents and immediately liked my brother. When she finished talking to Mom, she gave Ricky a long hug saying she was glad she had met him. I couldn’t see any part of his head except for a very round pair of eyes peering out over one breast. He didn’t look as if he could breathe. I was proud of myself for not laughing.

Outside we said goodbye to each other. Dad started the car. It was hard to know I’d have to stay when they left. I watched the three of them drive away.

I went back into my room, sat down and stared at the bird in the cage.

Then I cried for a long time.

Chapter 16

I’d been walking on eggs with Carmen since my first day at the Center. It seemed like the