Frantic Caged: Navigating Life After Suicide A Survivor's Journal part 2

By Missy Palrang and Jill McMahon

In the three-part Frantic Book Series, survivor Missy Palrang shares her journal entries from the year following her husband’s death by suicide. Part II, Frantic Caged, describes her daily life during months four through six after his death. Her emotions aren’t as raw as in the previous months, but anger, sarcasm, and fear have begun to take hold. The fog that enveloped her in the beginning is lifting and the reality of her situation starts to set in. She describes her attempts to find stability by learning to perform chores previously delegated to her husband, by stepping back from survivor groups, and even starting the dating process after 25 years of being out of the market.
Missy’s therapist, Jill McMahon, continues to offer her perspective throughout these passages. Jill draws on her 18 years of experience working with survivors. She continues to share common reactions, feelings, and behaviors survivors may encounter during the healing process.
This is a continuation of Missy’s story of healing. Each survivor will walk their own path. It’s her hope that by sharing her unfiltered experience, others will find comfort on their own road to recovery.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Sphere4 Publishing
• Release date: Aug 2, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463267394

Missy Palrang

Missy grew up in Idaho with her younger siblings, Karen and Mike. She received a four-year basketball scholarship to attend Tulane University and she received her Bachelor’s Degree in 1987. In 1988, while studying for her Master’s Degree at Oregon State University, she met Scott McComb. They married in 1991. Missy got a job working for the Benton County Sheriff’s Office as a parole officer shortly after graduation, although life was determined to take her elsewhere.In 1997, she began taking helicopter lessons and completed her Commercial Pilot Certification and Instructor Ratings one year later. She began working for Quantum Helicopters in 1998 where she has been the Chief Flight Instructor since 2000. She oversees the flight operations at one of the largest and busiest helicopter flight schools in the country. Missy has also been an FAA Designated Pilot Examiner for over 15 years, one of only a hand full of helicopter DPE’s in the state of Arizona.In her spare time Missy enjoys going to the gym several times a week, cooking, reading fiction novels, and traveling. She explores her world both from the skies and on earth. Her favorite destinations so far include the Galapagos Islands, Australia, and Tahiti. She loves to take cruises and has enjoyed about ten.

Book preview

Praise for Frantic Unleashed

Navigating Life after Suicide

A Survivor’s Journal

Part 1

The words are healing and I can relate to so many things. It gives me a reference point to start. I can’t imagine how hard getting these memories and thoughts on paper had to be but I thank you so much for doing so. I don’t feel so alone.

Kelly C.

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Your first book was the most help in the first months for me. It was the only one I could read daily. Just the reassurance that my brain could process. THANK YOU.

Gale F.

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I read your first book and couldn’t put it down until I finished. I cried multiple times. It evokes such powerful feelings and emotions. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability and helping so many others out there.

Katy S.

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Frantic Caged

Navigating Life After Suicide

A Survivor's Journal

Part 2

Missy Palrang, MS

with Jill McMahon, LPC Grief Specialist

Frantic Caged

© 2019 by Missy Palrang, MS

Published by Sphere4 Publishing at Smashwords

Arizona USA

Cover Photo by: Rebecca Lawson

Cover by Sweet N Spicy

Editor: Eileen Troemel & Susan Pohlman

The author of this book acknowledges the perceptions and memories in this book are her own and may not be the same for others who are familiar with the circumstances. All care has been taken to protect those mentioned within the books, and some names have been changed. This book contains actual accounts of surviving a suicide. If anyone is struggling with the contents, a list of references where you can get help and support are listed in the back under Resources.

Smashwords Edition, License Notes: This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

All rights reserved. No parts of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form without written permission from the publisher, except by reviewers who may quote brief excerpts in connection with a review.

Acknowledgement

Without the support and encouragement from Jill McMahon, I may still be finding reasons to not publish this book. However, my persistent fretting about the contents was consistently countered by her patient and equally persistent, It’s real. Her commitment to this project is deeply appreciated. Thank you, C.

Susan Pohlman, thank you for your thoughtful approach and superior attention to detail during the editing process. I’m lucky to have stumbled upon you.

Finally, to Eileen Troemel. Thank you for your wisdom, guidance, patience, and teaching throughout the editing, formatting, and marketing process. Thank you for providing the information I asked you for and gracefully accepting that there are some things I should care about, but just don’t…and for continuing to pick up my slack in those areas.

In Loving Memory of

Scott E. McComb

Husband, son, brother, veterinarian, and veteran

March 26, 1966 - March 27, 2015

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Appendix A

Appendix B

Appendix C

Suicide Prevention and Support Resource Guide

Introduction

Grief…

The art of living

After your

Heart is ripped

Out of your

Body

Unknown

To the thousands who have been impacted by suicide, the semicolon ( ; ) has become a symbol of survival. In literature, the mark is used when an author chooses to pause a sentence rather than end it. Survivors of suicide have embraced this symbol as a statement that their stories are not yet over. It’s a reminder it’s not the end; there’s more to come.

In her article, One Small Character, One Big Purpose, Laura Willard explains: Project Semicolon came to life in 2013 through a social media movement. Members of this group dedicate themselves to providing hope and love to those who struggle with depression, self-injury, addiction, and suicide. If you see someone sporting a semicolon tattoo, I encourage you to initiate a conversation. Perhaps they would welcome the opportunity to share their stories.

I don’t have a semicolon tattoo. I didn’t choose to get one on my path to recovery, though I do use the semicolon as a graphic within this book to honor those who do. Instead, I chose to put my story into words to share my journey.

In his podcast series, Desire and Destiny, Deepak Chopra tells us, When we share, we become more comfortable being in, and speaking our truth. Inspiration seemingly comes out of nowhere, new opportunities arise, new ideas roll in, and we are pointed in a new direction. This statement accurately describes the path my life has traveled since it veered off course four years ago when my husband of nearly 24 years died by suicide. Since that time, my life has been the worst it’s ever been, the best it’s ever been, and everything in between. I think I experienced every emotion possible within those four years, usually at maximum intensity. Obviously, the emotions in the beginning were on the worst it’s ever been end of the spectrum. This journal was part of my effort to make sense of my new world.

Journaling my thoughts was an exercise suggested by my therapist. I found it therapeutic to put onto paper everything that was swirling around in my head. It was also an opportunity to talk to someone, even if that someone was just a dark keyboard in the middle of the night. The words had to come out if I was to ever find my way back to sleep. And eventually, back to happiness.

When Scott died, my life became more difficult than it had ever been. By far. Nothing I’d experienced up until that time could compare. It was like going from being a five-year-old child on a swing set whose only concern was going higher than her best friend, to being plopped on the middle of a tightrope spanning the Grand Canyon during the most violent thunderstorm of all time. If I was to survive, I had to figure out how to return to the safety of the ledge. Most of the time I felt like I was hanging onto the rope by one finger. Or even just a nail. Sometimes I lost my grip and the angels who surrounded me (my friends) lifted me up. Other times I had to stop and hang there long enough to catch my breath.

Ultimately, I had to learn no one could do it for me. I had to slowly make my own way to the edge. At first, the task ahead seemed impossible. I had to learn to strategize in new ways, rely on others, and give myself permission to move past this terrible event. I had to drag myself back to that ledge, stand up straight, take a deep breath, and begin to walk forward.

Many aspects of this journey are hard for those on the outside to understand. For example, how can someone go from being a competent woman who is accustomed to managing challenging tasks, to one who, at times, couldn’t make a simple decision when presented with only two options? Why, they wonder, is it so difficult to go grocery shopping, to watch TV, to take a cat to the vet, to cut a watermelon into bite-sized pieces? Why can’t she go to the doctor without someone there to hold her hand? Why does she feel so angry all the time? It wasn’t the event or task that posed the challenge, it was finding a way to manage the messages flooding my brain about that particular activity. HE used to do that. WE enjoyed this. HE would prefer. We used to do this TOGETHER. I can’t do this alone.

In the beginning, it was a difficult decision to put something as personal as my journal out in the world for others to read. It meant opening the door and saying, Please come in. Have a seat and watch the worst and most embarrassing moments of my life. Watch me become someone my family and friends don’t recognize. Someone you might not like. Watch me be the worst version of myself. Watch me unravel. I commonly receive feedback about how brave it is of me to make this journal available. No, not really. When I lost my husband to suicide, I gained perspective. I don’t see the world through the same lens I once did. I can’t speak for other survivors, but my guess is neither do they. Things that once caused embarrassment, stress, anger, or any number of other emotions are just not important now. That someone may recoil, laugh, mock, or dislike me for things I said or did during that time simply doesn’t matter.

The reason for publishing this journal is twofold. First and foremost, my concern is for the other survivors of the world. I hope when they read about my experiences, it not only helps them feel normal, but allows them to learn from my missteps and make better choices. I hope to be an example to other survivors that, missteps and all, moving past this loss into a rewarding future is possible. Difficult, but very possible. I don’t want anyone to think I did anything special. I want them to think, if she did it, so can I.

Secondly, I hope those surrounding the survivors will gain insight into the reality in which the survivor has been thrust. It’s such a foreign world to most people that knowing what to say and what to do is a challenge. Unfortunately, there’s no playbook on how to support someone as they recover from loss to a suicide.

When we learn to walk in our new lives, we each choose our own path. We visualize where we want to be and how we plan to get there. This is a story of the path I chose. In many ways it’s different than other survivors. In many ways it’s the same. We are a group bonded by an experience we lived, followed by a choice we made. We chose to survive when the road in front of us forked. Now, four years after my husband’s death, I feel honored and blessed to be a member of this amazing group I once called the Crappiest Life Ever Club.

This book, Frantic Caged: Navigating Life after Suicide – A Survivor’s Journal is the second in a three-part series. It includes months four through six of my personal journal, a time of corralling my life that had exploded. The first three months are contained in Frantic Unleashed: Navigating Life after Suicide – A Survivor’s Journal, and months seven through twelve are in Frantic Tamed: Navigating Life after Suicide – A Survivor’s Journal.

Since the text is my daily journal, many people mentioned in this book were previously introduced in the entries contained in part one of this series. As a result, these entries, do not include explanations of who they are, and how they were involved in my life. For clarity, I have listed those individuals in Appendix A along with a brief explanation of each.

I’ve learned it’s common for survivors to mark time in terms of how long it’s been since they lost their loved ones. It’s certainly the way I did. I guess it’s the way our minds process and manage time. In the beginning, I marked time in minutes. I just need to make it through the next three minutes, I’d think. Later by weeks. It’s been four weeks since he died, I would tell myself. Later I thought in terms of months. In each of the three books, the chapters are divided according to the way my mind worked at the time. In book one, each chapter is a new week. In books two and three, each chapter spans one month.

All of the chapters begin with a paragraph about a woman dealing with a basket of broken eggs. They are metaphors illustrating the way I saw life at that time. For those who haven’t read part one of this series, or have and would like a review, all of the egg metaphors from book one, the first three months, are included in Appendix B.

The end of each chapter offers two things: notes from my counselor, Jill McMahon, and a list of things I now know, but