Taste This, America

By Chef Victor

Let's get cookin' American style. Are you tired of eating processed food? Are you sick of tasteless meals? Have you had enough of the endless talk that tries to diminish the greatness of the USA? Well, I have. It's because of these actions that attempt to take away the beauty of our great people why I need to write cookbooks like this. I am Chef Victor. I am a true American, and I love true Americans like you. I've made a number of dishes and provided thorough instructions that will help you be the best person you can be. Enjoy!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Chef Victor
• Release date: Jun 11, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463255919

Chef Victor

I was born on July 4 in the USA. I love cooking. I love America.

Book preview

Chapter 1

Breakfast

Traitor eggs

(includes influence from Canada and United Kingdom)

Ingredients

The holiday sauce

3 egg yolks; for a guide on how to efficiently separate the yellow from the white please go to www.lockthemupforpearlharbor.com

1/14 teaspoon spicy mustard

1 tablespoon yellow lemon juice

0.5 (this is a half) cup butter, the real stuff

The Benedict eggs―these are not named after that Wall Street dude, but after the traitor, which we all think it’s named after anyway

6 slices bacon from a Canadian pig

1 tablespoon butter

1 English muffin, white not wheat

4 large egg whites from white or brown eggs; remember that traitors come in all colors

1 tablespoon white vinegar

Salt

White pepper

Instructions

Here’s how you make the holiday sauce: in an American-made blender, combine egg yolks, mustard, and lemon juice. Whip that muthafucka till smooth. Put the butter in a separate microwave safe container and microwave till melted. The microwave was invented by our pal and American engineer Percy Spencer after we kicked ass in World War II. Turn the blender back on and slowly pour in some of that delicious hot butter. The sauce will thicken.

OK, let’s make the rest of this breakfast: heat a small skillet over medium high heat. Melt some more real butter. Cook, don’t brown, the Canadian bacon. Bring a large US-factory produced pot of salted water to a boil. Don’t forget to toast those bastard English muffins. Put the vinegar into your boiling water. Gently slide the egg whites from the eggs you cracked open into the boiling water, single file. Cover the pot and turn off the heat, letting the eggs poach for 5 minutes. Fetch the poached eggs from the water. And speaking of poaching, there is some serious poaching of our American youth by the evil masters who want to change our beautiful country into a pile of blah. See, we all have a fundamental human need to belong to something. The changers know this and have infiltrated the minds of our youth to make them believe that they do not belong to this great country, and therefore need to thwart the existing presence of our great nation, turn their minds against hard-working, rule-following, successful Americans, and create their own world. Which is a bunch of bull, because they just want followers who won’t question their intentions, but will doubt in the beauty of our United States. They want to create traitors. The problem is, the backbone of America is too strong. It may bend a little as these traitors come up with new and sneaky modes to try to subdue our greatness, but our backbone will never break. Americans belong to America. Period. On to the presentation.

Presentation

Get a plate and gently place the flakey English muffin and the non-committal Canadian bacon on it. These countries’ products belong on the bottom. Distribute the slices of bacon in any type of symbol you deem necessary. You can even make a miniature Eiffel Tower or some famous structure from Canada or Ireland (if they have any). Slide the poached egg on top and pour some sauce on top. Eat up! You’re gonna need some utensils to eat this crap like an opened-face sandwich. Or you can put another English muffin half on top and eat it like a regular American sandwich. Maybe you don’t have anything to do today except get your free check from the government. Maybe you have to call around and get an extension on all of your loans and bills, because you don’t friggin pay them on time. If that’s the case, take your time and eat it open faced with your fancy silverware. While you’re at it, throw on your favorite fake news exploitation channel. Don’t worry, us hard-working citizens of the USA will take care of your selfish and always-needy ways. If you have a job to actually go to, like a real American, make that sucker into a sandwich and woof it down. Get out there and kick ass today. You have the moral integrity of our country to defend.

Unpretentious ham and egg bake

Ingredients

8 eggs; remember, brown eggs are not better than white eggs

1 thick slice of Virginia ham

This is a country ham, made in Virginia, from pigs that were raised in Virginia, sliced by an American butcher. Of course, there’s no USDA statute that legally requires what one calls a Virginia-style ham to be made in the actual state. You’d probably insult someone or hurt someone’s feelings. Ugh! So, you better make sure and check the gosh damn label or ask your butcher if you got the right kind.

1 white onion

1 cup shredded cheddar cheese; do it yourself from a block of cheese, not that processed crap. Make America Grate Again.

3 tablespoons butter from a cow

Salt

Pepper

1/2 teaspoon dried tarragon

1 pinch dried thyme

Some slices of white bread

Instructions

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Get your eggs and crack the egg yolks and whites into a bowl and beat with a hammer (just kidding) till nice and frothy. Toss in the salt, pepper, tarragon, and thyme. If you don’t have the last two, screw it. Your egg dish will be great without them. They’re not common spices and don’t really help anything. Some high society people try to make you feel like you need unheard of food enhancers in your pantry to be a good cook. Babble. In the meantime, cut that ham into small cubes about a half-inch wide (that’s this wide -----). Peel the skin off the onion (duh) and finely slice it. That means cut it in really small pieces, not hey, do a fine job slicing that onion. Heat up a frying pan on medium with a little butter. Cook up the ham pieces and onions till they’re just browned a little. Once they’re black, they’re no good. Mix together the eggs and spices, ham and onions, and cheese in a large bowl and stir up a bit. Pour egg mixture into a greased 8-inch-square baking dish. Bake at 350 degrees for 40-45 minutes, or till eggs are cooked and set.

Presentation

Just before the egg bake is done, start the toast. Put white bread slices into a toaster. If you have company, put someone in charge of the toast, as there are many series of