Growing Butterfly Wings

By Kerstin Jatho

Growing Butterfly Wings is the story of eighteen months of recovery and personal transformation from a serious car accident. In her book, Kerstin shares her personal story as well as ten Positive Psychology techniques she applied to assist her in her post-traumatic growth. She had to learn to adapt to a new lifestyle, overcome many unexpected trajectories, and accept and embrace the situation and her new life.

The book aims to motivate and inspire others who face a similar long-term recovery process.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Kerstin Jatho
• Release date: Mar 24, 2019
• ISBN: 9780620828710

Kerstin Jatho

Kerstin Jatho, is the Founder and Managing Director of 4Seeds Consulting, a certified coach, positive psychology practitioner and speaker who is passionate about empowering leaders in medium sized business to integrate happiness and well-being into the workplace. She also trains potential coaches on positive psychology principles and designs her own bespoke workshops for organisations. Kerstin contributes to magazines articles, talks on radio, features on TV and is a motivational speaker.

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Growing Butterfly Wings

Kerstin Jatho

Published by Kerstin Jatho, 2019.

While every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this book, the publisher assumes no responsibility for errors or omissions, or for damages resulting from the use of the information contained herein.

GROWING BUTTERFLY WINGS

First edition. March 24, 2019.

Copyright © 2019 Kerstin Jatho.

ISBN: 978-0620828710

Written by Kerstin Jatho.

A special thank you goes to my dear family  and friends who stood by my side every day. My loyal clients who gave me the space to recover and all the medical staff.

Growing

Butterfly Wings

Kerstin Jatho

© Kerstin Jatho 2019

Growing Butterfly Wings

Published by Kerstin Jatho

Suite 70 Private Bag x2, Dainfern 2155

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ISBN 978-0-620-82871-0

eISBN 978-0-620-83368-4

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All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Layout and cover design by Boutique Books

Printed in South Africa by Digital Action

Acknowledgements

To my dearest family whose unconditional love, support and care was like a warm, safe, comfortable blanket that enveloped me throughout my journey. To my mother in particular, who shared every moment of joy and despair. I know that watching me heal was the hardest and most difficult time for everyone, and I want to say that I couldn’t have done this without any of you. To Graeme, who drove a couple of times the far distance to fetch me and bring me back, just so that I could join in on a Sunday family lunch. Also, for coping on your own for so long without mom. To JJ, thank you for being by my side from the start and cheerleading me on throughout the recovery journey. I know it was our hardest time and that you were always there in heart and thought. To my sister, Rene, as well as Sebastian and Christine, thank you for all your love, visits, calls, delicious food and for comforting mom.

To my wonderful friends who never left my side; you know who you are. Thank you for the countless visits, telephone calls and messages. To my loyal clients who supported me during the journey, thank you for being flexible and accommodating in our professional relationship. So many of you kindly opted to wait until I had recovered.

Introduction

Every day, many people face traumatic events in their lives, be it the death of a loved one, the break-up of a romantic relationship, news of a terminal illness, the impact of abuse, or the trauma of crime. These are all sad, shocking and painful events that take our breath away, sting our lungs, bring tears to our eyes and a lump to our throats. Some can be tragic events that change our lives forever. We are consoled, comforted and supported by others, but there comes a time where we have to internalise the event and process it; understand it in our heads and hearts. We need to do our best to make sense of why it happened to us. For some, the recovery process is lonely and long, for others short; no two journeys are ever the same. This book shares my recovery and healing journey. May you draw some form of inspiration from it.

During my recovery period, my neurosurgeon planted a seed that I should share my story by talking at rehab centres and the like. He encouraged me to inspire others with my positive outlook and approach to my recuperation. His words to me were: Kerstin, I can only vaguely imagine what it must feel like to have the injuries you have, but I will never really know or understand the struggles you face. I can heal the physical body, but people need to hear how to stay mentally strong from a person who has experienced it themselves. The mind-set component is as important as the physical healing I can give them. Share your story and touch other people’s lives, especially people with long recovery periods ahead of them.

Wanting to inspire and encourage people with long-term recovery periods to stay resilient, optimistic and moving forward in their recovery, I opted not to become a motivational speaker, but rather to write my story. Sharing anecdotes of my eighteen months’ healing process may assist someone else to feel understood and give them the courage to persevere, especially in those dark days where everything feels hopeless and painful.

You may never emerge the same person again. Your physical, psychological and emotional scars may remain. Embrace and accept that, as only you have the choice as to how you will come out at the end of your journey. You get to decide if you come out stronger or not. You get to choose to give up or win. Nobody other than you makes that conscious decision and has that willpower to see it through. I decided to do exactly that – come out a winner and not let the injuries or the epilepsy diagnosis dictate my life. I am not my illness. I am an authentic, beautiful human who chose to grow new butterfly wings and fly. You can do exactly the same.

The book is divided into two parts. In the first, I share the details of my car accident and the healing process, including the challenges and tribulations I faced. Writing some sections wasn’t easy as it brought back memories, emotions, the pain and the tears. But hopefully this part may be encouraging for people experiencing long-term recovery. Knowing what and how another person has coped can provide understanding and empathy, and may rekindle the motivation to pursue the healing. Recovering from a long-term illness can be a lonely process and the people around us don’t always understand what we are going through.

In the second part of the book, I impart my professional knowledge of the techniques and practical tools I applied to assist me. Being a qualified coach and positive psychologist, I knew what and how to ensure that I remained resilient, positive and determined. It’s my testimony that the positive psychology strategies worked for me. You’ve heard the saying: The proof is in the pudding. Well, I’m sharing my trusted pudding recipe with you. You can read the two sections at different times, or one after the other, depending on what you want to learn for yourself.

I hope you enjoy reading my story and feel inspired to grow your own unique butterfly wings. Rise from the challenges you are facing and step-by-step grow the butterfly wings that make you the beautiful, amazing human you are. Be unrestricted in shining your authentic being to the world and be free to live the life that resonates with you.

About the author

Kerstin is a positive psychologist and professional coach specialising in creating awareness and supporting leaders to build working environments in which their followers can thrive, be happy and engaged. Her vision is to transform companies so that they can be positive work places that contribute abundantly to the socio-economic upliftment of society. For that transformation to crystallise, we need authentic, ethical, courageous and connected leaders who care about their most valuable resources: their people. Happiness matters to everyone and we innately yearn to be fulfilled in our lives, being the best we possibly can be and using our work as the tool of self-expression and development.

Kerstin holds notable qualifications: one being a Master’s Degree in Applied Positive Psychology (the science of human flourishing and well-being) and a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) accreditation from the International Coaching Federation (ICF). In addition, she is a qualified iOpener Happiness @ Work facilitator and trains coaches for the School of Coaching Mastery. She also runs a successful business, 4Seeds, through which she equips leaders to create a happy and engaged work environment that unleashes people’s potential. In her leisure time, Kerstin enjoys being with her family and friends, attending Pilates classes, playing the piano, reading and attending live performances.

Words from Dr Kolloori

The mind and body are inextricably linked. The one cannot function without the other, and the one cannot heal without the other.

When dealing with trauma, both physical and emotional, it is extremely challenging to find the balance between the mind and the body. This is the major issue when trying to motivate patients who have had serious injuries that need to rehabilitate. Depression, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness and, of course, pain are the major limiting factors for these patients.

It isn’t often that one encounters patients who have the capacity to see through the obstacles they are facing with a focus on the end point. Fortunately for me, Kerstin was one of those patients. Her ability to rationalise and contextualise her experiences as they happened, and understand them as part of an inevitable process, was a personal attribute that was very impressive. It gave her a depth of insight into what was necessary to get better after her accident, even if it meant dealing with the rigours of pain, the realisation of her circumstances and the emotional highs and lows that go along with physical therapy.

This book is a clinical tool that can be utilised by anyone going through a difficult patch in their lives, but in particular anyone whose own life events mirror Kerstin’s traumatic experiences.

It is inspiring to see that out of something that could be perceived to be so bleak and negative, something so positive can be conceived.

Privacy and confidentiality

By request, some people’s real names have been changed in the book to protect their professional, private and personal lives.

Part A

The

Life-Changing Event

Chapter 1

The minutes that changed my life

It was a Tuesday morning, the 2 nd of May 2017, and the start of a short four-day week. An extended long weekend was behind me, one that I had used to catch up on overdue work commitments and emails that needed my urgent attention. I had spent the Sunday evening with my dearest nephew, Sebastian, on a wonderful aunt-nephew evening. It was his delayed Christmas gift that he was now cashing in on. We had booked tickets for the musical Priscilla Queen of the Desert and we were looking forward to the show followed by a dinner where we could philosophise about the world and topics that interest us both. These get-togethers were dear to us and we always eagerly looked forward to them.

Monday was the Workers’ Day public holiday, and I met with my folks for a lunch and a natter. I hadn’t seen them for some time and the public holiday was a perfect opportunity to connect with family and take it easy. Besides that, the weekend was filled with social events and activities that I enjoy doing but seldom get around to – like working towards finishing my embroidery picture that has been in the making for the past ten years. I go through phases where it stands in the corner for a year, totally neglected, and then I have the urge to work on it voraciously. I didn’t have much left to finish of my jewel of a 1.8 metre by 60 centimetre scenic embroidery picture, and my goal was to finish it by Christmas 2017. I thought that if I kept at it with more discipline I should manage that with no problem. When it was finished I wanted to frame it and hang it over my hundred-year-old upright piano, so that I could admire it every time I played. A long weekend was the perfect time for me as I felt that the clock ticks a little bit slower and life is not an active mad rush. How was I to know that this weekend would be the last one before everything changed? Sometimes, I guess it’s best not to know what’s going to happen next in your life, otherwise how would I have experienced that long weekend?

That Tuesday was the day that my life changed forever. The old me would drive away, and over months a new, transformed me would emerge. An unexpected journey would unfold in front of me overnight. It would be a journey that would require months of courage, resilience, patience and finally acceptance.

On that particular Tuesday morning, the sky was a bright crystal blue, and there wasn’t a cloud in sight. There was a nip in the air in the early mornings, but as the day progressed it got a bit warmer. You could call it a typical South African Highveld autumn day. I always find it tricky to decide what to wear in this kind of weather and I wanted to look extra pretty for my eleven o’clock meeting. A dress is always elegant, but that would mean wearing my most dreaded accessory, pantyhose! Being 1.8 metres tall, they never seem long enough for me. It may say XXL on the package, which means that they should fit, but my legs always feel as if they are being forced into a tight sausage sleeve… uncomfortable doesn’t even begin to describe it. So I settled for comfort and opted for a pair of black trousers with an elegant printed long-sleeve blouse and my favourite black and white jersey.

I was extra attentive with my make-up and hair. My hair took longer to style than normal, as I was growing it, and it was at that frustrating stage where you either persevere or cut it shorter. My twenty-year hairstyle tradition of wash and wear didn’t work any longer and I needed to blow-dry it. My mother had been a hairdresser, so I grew up with perm lotions, hair colour tubes, hair dryers, gels, mousse, hair spray and curlers, and yet both my sister and I, to the dismay of my mother, turned out totally plain and not concerned about our hair. We are both fans of no-fuss hairstyles: short styles that we can just wash and go. Anyway, time was ticking and I needed to get going if I wanted to be on time.

My appointment with the digital marketing company, BlueMagnet, was scheduled for eleven o’clock. I was going to find out the result of the long awaited digital audit, website analytics, competitors and clients of my company, 4Seeds. The audit had taken six weeks to complete and I was curious to hear what the findings were and where the results would take 4Seeds next. In January, during 4Seeds’ annual business strategy review, it became clear that marketing was our Achilles’ heel. We had the products, and we could deliver them effortlessly, but we struggled to market ourselves and attract new clients. In addition, all the digital marketing as well as social media stuff seemed to be an art and a science that I certainly hadn’t mastered. I also didn’t intend to do so, so thought that it would be best to hand it to the experts. This was something that had to change in 2017 if I was to grow and develop the business to the next level. I had put all my hope and trust in the idea that the digital marketing audit was going to change that and finally put the business on the map.

I grabbed my handbag and went looking for Jenny, our long-term housekeeper who is such a dear part of the family, to say goodbye. Jenny takes care of everything in the house and is an unbelievable tower of support to me in my active life. I couldn’t find her anywhere, and called her name. No answer! Looking at my watch I assumed she must be having tea as it was about her normal tea time. I really needed to rush out as I wanted to be on time so I decided to leave without letting her know. She would notice from the silence in the house, my missing handbag and car keys, that I had gone out. I usually say goodbye to her, and until today leaving without saying goodbye is a decision that I sincerely regret. I should have taken the time and effort to tell her where I was going and when I would be back. I got into my car, filled with hope and optimism, knowing that it was going to be a profound day; a day that would change my life forever.

As I was pulling out of the garage I sent JJ, my life companion, an SMS saying that I was leaving the house and on my way to BlueMagnet, sharing that I would be back in about two to three hours. I felt excited about the digital audit findings and at the same time a little nervous and anxious. What if I was disappointed with the results? Or if it wasn’t what I thought? The digital audit had cost quite a bit of money that 4Seeds hadn’t budgeted for, let alone had in reserve, and I had made arrangements to pay it off in three monthly instalments. It was a big financial investment for me and had more meaning than simply receiving a report with graphs and statistics. What if it was going to be a smoke and mirrors presentation?

Those were the thoughts going through my mind while I drove to Fourways. I seldom listen to the radio while driving as I find the noise distracting and the news too negative to listen to. Why listen to news that you cannot change and that is beyond your control? The important news is usually shared by people, so indirectly I am informed of what happens around the world, but it remains at a less negative level.

I turned right onto Cedar Road and saw that the traffic was gridlocked. I swore a bit as I realised that it was too late to be the normal peak-hour traffic. Was there perhaps an accident ahead? The cars were edging forward at a snail’s pace, trying to shift three lanes into one. Everybody was competing to push forward and not let the car next to them in. As if it would matter! We all had to file into one lane which was going to be excruciatingly slow. Well, whatever the problem, it was going to make me run very late. I could excuse myself if I was five minutes late, but this looked like a lot more than five minutes!

It was then that I had a moment of brilliance. I remembered a side road that a driver from the car service company had showed me in November. Would I remember it? It would certainly be the solution to my current dilemma, but I couldn’t recall all the twists and turns. I decided that I would take a chance and rely on my Garmin to do the rest. With any luck, I would come out at the intersection at the top of Broadacres and from there it was a stone’s throw away to my appointment. I should hopefully arrive just on time. I turned right at the traffic lights and saw that the road ahead was quiet and empty; what a relief! I had made the right decision and would be on time. I sighed with relief and relaxed my tensed-up shoulders.

Those were my last conscious thoughts before everything went black. I didn’t hear the car behind me hooting when I stopped in the middle of the road. I also didn’t hear the second impatient hooting a few seconds later urging me to move on. I felt and heard nothing as my right foot collapsed onto the accelerator and put the car into motion. I was not aware of my car ramping the curb, or the impact when I hit the complex boundary wall at high speed. When I woke up from the initial daze, it felt like I was dreaming, but then I slipped back into the dream state.

I could hear a woman’s voice in the distance, but I didn’t understand what she was saying. Was it an angel calling me? I had to be dreaming. Then the voice changed and I heard a man’s voice. I sensed him kneel in front of me and gently touch my knee and right arm. What an odd, nonsensical dream. Then the voice asked me if I had any pain. Pain? Why pain? I had to focus and concentrate to answer this simple question. He had woken me from my chaotic dream, but I couldn’t even get annoyed. The more conscious I became, the more I could register the excruciating pain in my lower back and the throbbing in my head. What had happened? Had I been in a car accident? But how had that happened? Were other people involved? Was anybody injured?

I couldn’t complete these thoughts as I kept on drifting in and out of consciousness. I would have to figure out the answers later, as at that moment I wasn’t able to stay conscious. I don’t remember how I got out of the car, but every movement was breathtakingly painful. My lower back was extremely sore and I have never known such acute pain. With the help of the paramedic’s gentle hands and soothing words, and by listening to his instructions, I managed to slowly and very gently lift my legs and turn them towards the driver’s door. That was the last conscious moment I had for a very long time. I’m not sure how they got me out of the car and onto the stretcher. Nor do I recall the drive to the hospital or who was with me.

The angelic woman’s voice I mentioned earlier belongs to an amazing woman, Lauren, who was my guardian angel on that day. At the beginning of the year, Lauren and her family had relocated to be closer to her sister so that they could support each other in raising their children. On that morning she had already dropped off her eighteen-month-old son at pre-school when she realised that she had forgotten her purse at home. She had no swimming classes scheduled for the morning and decided to make a quick trip back home to collect what she had left behind. She always drove along that particular road, as Johannesburg was still unfamiliar to her and she had to find her bearings in this very busy city with many intricate roads.

Lauren was two cars behind me when she noticed that I had stopped abruptly in the middle of the road. She was wondering what had made me do so and patiently waited for me to move on. The gentleman directly behind me was less patient. My stopping had prevented him from turning right and he hooted impatiently. On reflection, I guess I would have reacted exactly the same way if a driver stopped in the middle of the road. We generally don’t expect drivers to behave abnormally on the road or do radical things.

Still I stood still and didn’t budge. Lauren decided to approach slowly and pass me on the left side when she saw me gesticulating wildly with my hands. At first she thought that I was angry because I was being hooted at. At second glance, she realised that it was not normal anger and gesticulating, but a physical fit of some sorts. Just at that moment, the man’s patience had worn out as I was still standing stationary and he hooted again, this time for longer. I must have jolted upright and pushed my foot right down onto the accelerator.

I was driving an Audi, and something these cars can do is to pick up speed from zero to one hundred within a few seconds. My Audi A4 was no different and was true to its name and promise. It raced at the speed of light over the curb, scraped a tree on the left side, ripped the left rear-view mirror off and collided head-on