When Death Knocks on Your Door: Care Partners in Oneness

By Myriam LaVoie

When Death Knocks on Your Door: Care Partners in Oneness illustrates the emotional and spiritual journey of the dying and their close ones, and offers useful teachings, guidelines, and stories based on genuine experiences.

The Ultimate Transition is an opportunity to mend and transform relationships with Courage and Compassion. This process might be intense for a little while, but when you break through, you break free! And then, your Authentic Essence can at last blossom.

Care partners must enhance their strength and resilience, share their expertise and inner knowledge. Self-care is crucial to sustain your health and happiness. Be Loving and Compassionate for Yourself first and then for others.

In this life journey, care partners are interconnected as One Heart, One Spirit within the Infinite Oneness!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tellwell Talent
• Release date: Jul 16, 2021
• ISBN: 9780228852995

Myriam LaVoie

Myriam LaVoie, MA, a débuté sa carrière en Soins palliatifs en 1984 comme infirmière autorisée. Elle partage son expertise professionnelle dans les services de soins de santé et les organismes sociaux et communautaires, ainsi qu'auprès des universités et collèges. Elle est l'auteure de When Death Knocks on Your Door: Care Partners in Oneness.Myriam LaVoie, MA, began her hospice palliative care career in 1984 as a registered nurse. She shares her professional expertise within health-care and community organisations, as well as universities and colleges. She is the author of Au coeur du Passage: Amour, espoir et réconciliation en fin de vie.

Book preview

When

Death

Knocks on Your

Door

Care Partners

in Oneness

Myriam LaVoie

We are deeply grateful for the wisdom and grace of the people

who gave us the privilege to accompany them on the threshold

of their Ultimate Transition.

You have inspired our heart and soul

more than you could ever imagine.

It is with gratitude that we are transmitting

some of our invaluable teachings and intimate stories

to the ones who are and will be travelling on this journey.

May these experiences bring you Hope, Peace, and Love.

The stories and names have been modified

and often narrated in the first person in order to maintain confidentiality.

In this document, the generic use for a person refers

to both the masculine and feminine genders which are mutually inclusive.

Table of Contents

1.When Death Knocks on Your Door

2.Awareness and Conscious Presence

3.The Greatness of Oneness

Practising One Presence in Daily Life

Manifestation in Oneness

4.Accompanying the Dying from Your Sacred Space

5.Compassion is a Quality of Being

6.Time Is a Precious Commodity

7.Joy and Happiness

8.Practise, Practise, Practise

Take a Short Break

Take a Longer Break: Conscious Breathing

Centering and Grounding with Self-Awareness

9.Communication Goes beyond Mere Words

One More Question

Clarifying Our Perception

What Would Your Answer Have Been?

10.Transformation and Freedom in Relationships

11.Conscious Gifts of Transformation

It’s Never Too Late

12.Tools for Transformation

Visualization: Healing with Love

Sunset Ritual

Healing Method: An Inner Dialogue

How Do You Feel Right Now?

Tell Me More

Stillness

Journaling

Automatic Writing

Affirmations

Dream Interpretation

Self-Help Resources

Ho’oponopono Mantra

I Am Love

Reminiscence

Complementary Therapies

13.Self-Care and Self-Love

Help Yourself First and Then Others

Self-Care Assessment

Self-Care Commitment

Today, I Take a Me Time

Being on the Receiving End

One More Thought for Carers

Community Resources—Reach Out

My Carer Network

My Carer Network List

What Can You Do at the Dying’s Bedside?

14.Transition—The Time Has Come

Finding Freedom and Peace

15.The Tapestry of Our Life: A Legacy

16.Final Words

Recommended Readings

List of Story Time

Endnotes

Chapter 1

When Death Knocks on Your Door

Story Time

He was choosing his words carefully, wondering how we would react. My mind was ready to explode. Come on, spill it out. We know it’s cancer. Let’s get it over with.

Of course, I’m aware that this thought reflects my needs only. I can deal with it, but events were unfolding way too fast for him. He had no time to process what was happening to his body, a body that had been forgiving his carefree living up to now. This is a new territory for someone who has never been sick. He didn’t want to hear it: Physicians always find something wrong with you. You’re better to stay away from them. His attitude was: look away, close your eyes, and everything will be fine. And now the ground was dissolving beneath his feet; he was falling into a surreal world. These past six months had sent him on a wild ride of emotions, carrying his entire family along. His sickness profoundly strains the daily life of everyone.

I have travelled down this road before, professionally and personally. Once upon a time, I found myself at the doors of a supportive palliative care unit with butterflies in my stomach and huge fears and doubts: Am I able to work in this environment? Can I meet their expectations? After a few weeks, I was at ease in a world that most people don’t even want to hear about. It became natural to accompany people during their last transition. My every word, gesture, and action became permeated with tender loving care. I have been deeply touched by the dying, their families,¹ and their close ones.² I have heard countless stories and witnessed endless suffering and tears, obviously, but also love, happiness, and grace. I have observed relationships deepening as each moment became more precious: It may be the last time. I have learned invaluable lessons such as to engage in genuine reconciliation with significant others before it’s too late. Knowing that death is imminent, it becomes imperative to find completion and peace, not only for the dying but for the living too. Doing so gives them a chance to ease the grieving process and to live with a lighter heart and spirit in years to come.

I have learned the hard way that self-care is a priority and precedes countless responsibilities. It is crucial for everyone involved in accompanying the dying. Caring for others requires a healthy body, mind, and spirit. Sooner or later, we get caught up in endless struggles, one crisis to the next, or simply in the routine that demands more and more time and energy for months and even years. Ignoring or neglecting self-care brings us to the point of exhaustion. It’s like swimming against the current of a fast-moving river; draining our most precious energy of which every ounce is accounted for to keep our head above rumbling waters. Then one day, we wake up burned out wondering how it happened and why we forgot to take care of ourselves. There is a time when we must make choices between what is essential in daily busyness and what we need to let go of: it becomes a matter of surviving.

Surviving? In time, we need to go beyond that stage. Surviving means making sure our basic needs are fulfilled in order to simply remain alive. We need to get out of that mode and jump into a living mode, which is to enjoy and savour every moment that is given to us now; to take time, even if it’s limited, for our personal interests. It means maintaining good health and wellness of our body, mind, and spirit. We need to share and integrate our experiences, knowledge, and expertise to better our lives. We need to reach for and connect deeply with our care partners while accepting and showing appreciation for their services and support. What does care partners mean? Who are they? I’m using this expression in an inclusive form and in a larger sense as they come in unexpected shapes and forms. Care partners encompass all people who are involved in the care of the close one: family members, friends, and significant relationships; medical teams at large; and community carers³ such as neighbours, visiting nurses, pharmacists and other professionals, volunteers, service animals, and so on. Their goal is to serve as One team with love and compassion for the highest good of the person in transition. Care partners are interconnected as One Spirit, One Heart in Oneness. They are on standby and ready to answer the call throughout the journey. Each and every one plays an essential role in every task, action, and skill in the accompaniment from sitting at the bedside, driving to appointments, or administering treatments. We choose them and they choose us too. Be open to accepting offers to serve you. As a friend texted me one day: Call me anytime. If I can’t help you, I will gather a team for you. It was such a relief to read those words. Knowing that help is at the tip of our fingers is enough to boost our energy to carry on a little bit longer.

When death knocks on our door, we find ourselves in a space that I name the threshold, wondering how to answer the call. What is on the other side of that door? Do we choose to fight, flee, or welcome it calmly? Suddenly, our life turns into turmoil with decisions to be made, constant changes to negotiate, treatments to go through…We must face the music and go with the flow: the sooner the better. The threshold can be scary, too scary for some. It can bring back memories of a time too painful to face again or too recent, as the scar isn’t healed yet. It can be overwhelming at times. We don’t know how long we will stay in that space. It could go on for weeks or months; for others it can be years. It’s unpredictable even if the prognosis is clear: it’s not written in stone. New treatments and medications give us hope. The person’s willpower might modify the course. Hope becomes a lifeline. For some, it means having enough time to prepare for the Ultimate Passage, while others wish to see their new grandchild. Living becomes more intense when the clock is ticking. The threshold serves as a space to lighten up our Inner Being. It impels us to mend, forgive, and bring clarity in our relationships as best we can within the present situation. The heart of transition is a space in which we are called to develop more compassion, love, and gratitude. It’s an opportunity to better oneself as a person living an unpredictable spiritual experience.

Hope is the oxygen that we breathe.

Peggy Deschambault

In this book, I want to transmit experiences, invaluable knowledge, and insights gathered from patients and their close ones who have been there. The stories are about real people we have attended over the years. Their legacies are an inspiration and a beacon of light in the unknown. They will bring you guidance, hope, and support in moments of despair and imbalance and when you feel the ground dissolving beneath your feet. They will answer some of your questions: the why, what, who, when, how on physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual levels. Stories are a beautiful tool to share experience and wisdom, to understand the underlying message as they tap into your subconscious mind for guidance and understanding, to awaken your inner knowledge that applies during transitions. From generation to generation, elders have used stories to transmit their wisdom so their children and grandchildren would learn and remember. Their wisdom is already deeply ingrained in your DNA as part of your ancestral legacy.

In addition to my stories, I’m sharing numerous teachings witnessed by personal and professional friends and colleagues that will empower you and make you feel more confident with people who are looking for your support. You will find useful guidelines tools, and resources that will be of help when death knocks on your door. I aim to empower you in trying times, enhance your confidence in stepping forward in the tasks ahead, motivate your curiosity in acquiring more knowledge in how to serve and what to expect, guide you in making the best choices in what you want and don’t want to experience, and offer you indications on how to help each other. There are no quick-fixes or specific recipes for accompanying the dying, for it is a unique journey for each individual. Everyone has their own personality, values, and beliefs. Life experiences and relationships vary within social and cultural context. But there are some similarities. You must assess the situation, find out the person’s needs, and navigate from there in preparation for a meaningful transition.

You will also find brief synopses of the experience of people who had a glimpse of what to expect in the afterlife. After witnessing countless transitions, there are no doubts in my mind that we are going to a better place: a place of joy, peace, and love. Most often we are greeted by deceased close ones in the next phase of our Soul existence. Skeptics like me have been won over many times.

This book isn’t meant to be exhaustive. Many authors have brought their own perspective on transition. You will find some references that will answer your inquisitive mind and help in your search on specific dimensions of the subject. Once you have acquired more knowledge, learned to quiet your mind chatter and follow your intuition, you will be able to better trust your inner wisdom and go deeper into this ultimate experience.

Chapter 2

Awareness and Conscious Presence

"Awareness is the power

that is concealed within the present moment.

This is why we may also call it Presence.

The ultimate purpose of human existence,

which is to say, your purpose,

is to bring that power into this world."

Eckhart Tolle⁴

To live this moment with our whole being—body, mind, and spirit—means to bring our attention and intention to the ever-changing reality in this moment, and to discipline and let go of our thoughts by focusing our wandering mind in this evolving situation. It means being aware of and deeply engaged in what is happening in the now in this experience or challenge without expectations, concerns, or worries. It means freeing our mind from the past and the future: what happened last month or years ago doesn’t have to take over the present; and future plans or concerns are not there, yet.

Living this moment is an opportunity to slow down by focusing your scattered energy back into your physical body right at its center, in the core of your being where love, peace, and wisdom reside. Staying centered in the midst of daily living is quite a practice. The most efficient way to do so is to stop for a moment, close your eyes, and take a deep breath. Be still and welcome what comes up. Be aware of your present thoughts, sensations, and feelings. Gather all your thoughts to focus on what is in this moment and what needs to be changed for your next step. The more you practise, the better you stay connected with your inner space, with who you really are here and now. Keep an open, clear mind without attachments or emotions that are not related to the actual reality. There is only you and your breath harmonizing with your surroundings. This practice can be done while waiting for someone, riding the bus, before a social event, or family gathering.

Sitting at the dying’s bedside in conscious presence means to be in this moment