A Glorious Sunset: Handbook and Journal for Fearless Dying in the 21st Century

By Eileen Stein

This book is for those at or nearing the end stages of their lives and for those who are dear to them. Following on the heels of Dr. Elizabeth Kübler Ross, I see that there is once again a need to change the way we in our society perceive the death transition. There is a continuum I believe we need to acknowledge and come to terms with before we face the conclusion of our human experience on this earth. I emphasize "before" because when someone is in the throes of grief (for one's own life or that of a loved one), they are not in a place to be altering major belief systems.

Perhaps there will come a day when we can have greater wisdom that will temper our emotions during these kinds of things. That may be a good thing, but perhaps the emotions of grief have their purpose. Let those "on the other side" give us comfort, but part of our humanness is the outpouring of love and help for those in need left behind here on earth. We need a time of mourning. It helps those who are struggling and even those who are not, for in times of great need we all tend to draw closer together.

What I have come to understand from my experiences and those of others—and what I am attempting to show in this trilogy—is that humans, especially those of us in the Western world, have been taught to see life and death as two separate conditions: you are either experiencing one or the other.

A more realistic approach could be explained by drawing a circle that includes all of life, whether physical or not. The distinction would be between physical and nonphysical life. There are specific areas, or levels, of the nonphysical world that are inhabited by human beings who are no longer physically alive. Even when they've shed the temporary human conditions of their most recent incarnation, their basic soul personality remains intact.

That being said, the most plausible conclusion we can draw is that, technically, there is no death—just life on earth, or the physical plane, and life in spirit.

It's true that we commonly deeply mourn the loss of the physical body, the physical presence. But that has not always been the norm. (Being common does not imply that a thing is normal.) Members of many tribe-like societies, both ancient and modern, do not, as a rule, experience prolonged psychological distress after the death of a loved one. They tend to have an initial dramatic display of raw emotion either concurrent with or before a funeral or ritual that allows them to then move on with positive memories and thoughts of the deceased person.

It is my intent—through the information, vignettes and exercises presented in these books—to help more people reach a deeper level of understanding about death and dying so they may experience much fuller, happier and healthier lives in every moment, both here on earth and beyond.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Feb 1, 2021
• ISBN: 9781734739619

Book preview

notes.

Introduction

The dying have always been teachers of great lessons,

for it’s when we are pushed to the edge of life that we see life most clearly.

—David Kessler

So, can you have a remarkable death? Absolutely yes! And in this book, I want to show you, and those you love and care for, how to do that.

At some time and in some way, we will all face the end of our physical experience on this planet. For some this may be a difficult passage. I believe, however, that there are ways to ease that transition and actually turn it into a delightful time where you focus on only the things that matter and that you can take with you into your next experience.

Yes, I said next.

As with just about everything in life, we may not realize control over many external events but we can learn to consciously choose our attitudes and emotional responses to these events, even life-threatening situations. Exercising control over our responses can be empowering and life-changing, no matter when in life we do so. And, like most everything else, it gets easier with practice!

Those in the end stages of life have much to teach us in these days and we need to listen—not simply to the words spoken, but also to those unspoken, and to the emotions and gestures behind them. A terminal diagnosis may cause one person to think differently—to reflect more, become wiser, perhaps—and another to just want to carry on as though nothing has changed.

In any event, communication among family members and others close to the dying person may become difficult at best. Having a vehicle with which to share thoughts, wishes and feelings may help make things easier. Whether you have been suddenly diagnosed with a terminal illness, have a life-long medical condition that is totally unpredictable, are in the late stages of life, or just want to prepare for your transition, this interactive book can meet your needs.

In her book, A Good Death, Marilyn Webb states that there are three things that determine how difficult our labor of dying will be: how much our pain is controlled, how much fear we have, and how much we are troubled by unfinished business.¹

Culture plays a significant if not a starring role in how a person experiences the dying process. Culture is central to how people organize their experiences, how they seek assistance, what they define as a problem, what they understand as the cause of their illness or situation, how they view and treat their symptoms, their degree of optimism or pessimism about recovery, their attitude about sharing emotional problems, their attitude toward pain, their expectations of treatment, their perception of the best method or methods of treatment, and more.

It’s extremely important to honor each person’s culture and point of view, as it may be vastly different from our own, even if we live in the same neighborhood. In this book I have included prayers from various cultures and religions around the world that may be used to assist someone through end-of-life care, regardless of how they've lived their life.

I realize that not everyone will agree with everything I have written. Like Dr. Karen Wyatt (see Appendix B, accessible from www.dragonflyheart.net), I too was raised Catholic, became disenchanted, started out with the intention of serving as a bridge between beliefs, and have at times found myself a target of a variety of points on the spectrum!

Regardless of any studies or speculations, each person’s situation is unique and each life has its own process with its own characteristics. The goals of every patient need to be considered. Just like there is no one right way to live, there is also no one right way to die.

_________

FOOTNOTES:

1. Marilyn Webb, Hospice In The Good Death: The New American Search to Reshape the End of Life. New York: Bantam, 1997. P 241. Print.

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What Makes for a Remarkable Death?

I see a good death as one where the patient can express what they feel,

what they fear, where they find peace, and where the family is willing

to talk about the journey of death.

—Nari

Sacred Buddhist texts speak of great teachers who have mastered the art of dying and describe it as "becoming a rainbow body."¹ Could this mastery, then, be the next step in the evolution of humanity—perhaps to be followed by mastery of death itself? Some ancient cultures, such as the Egyptians, obviously had a handle on many aspects of death and dying. So what reason have we to believe it cannot be that way again. in all cultures and with an even more enlightened perspective?

The combination of the old that needs remembering and the new that needs incorporating could really uplift us to realms beyond our present comprehension. If that is the ultimate goal, then this book can serve as a baby step in that direction—by helping those in the dying process to master their fears and uncertainty, helping them see how death can be not only acceptable but remarkable, so that it may become the norm to face death with such sacred openness.

Regardless of how he lived his life, and how short that life was, what happened at the Buddhist funeral pyre of Chogyam Trungpa, Rinpoche was nothing less than remarkable. "Black smoke swirled up into the blue sky, concentrated in one long line. Like a rope dangling between pyre and sky, the smoke seemed to join heaven and earth.

"Suddenly three black birds gathered overhead, and slowly, quietly, began circling that rope of smoke. As they circled, a huge rainbow appeared—not stretching from one end of the mountains to the other, but a circular rainbow, a halo that completely surrounded the sun, wider and with more bands of color than most people had ever seen. As the fire died down, a dramatic succession of rainbows began to dot the sky.

The mourners stopped talking and stared, awestruck. (The rainbow body mentioned above?) It is said in the Buddhist scriptures that these are exactly the signs that appear when great teachers die…. But this was Vermont in 1987, and though these Americans considered themselves Buddhists, they were not prepared for ancient signs and symbols.²

The crowd descended the mountain quiet and shaken, assumedly no less so than those who had witnessed the death of Christ over 2,000 years ago.

Although most of us will probably go out with much less fanfare, we can look at some of the more common components of a good death.

In one study, a group of researchers from North Carolina interviewed several focus groups made up of doctors, nurses, social workers, chaplains, hospice volunteers, patients and recently bereaved family members, and came up with six themes that, if put into place for someone in their final stages of life, would raise the quality of those days exponentially. Other practical components of a good death are described in Marilyn Webb’s The Good Death: The New American Search to Reshape the End of Life.³

What makes for a good death? Besides conscious medical care, other considerations need to be made that involve emotional, financial, spiritual and family support. For example:

Pain and symptom management: Many of the participants in the North Carolina study feared breakthrough pain, dying in pain, undergoing aggressive therapy with insufficient pain treatment, continuing life-prolonging treatment when it was not wanted, and not being able to breathe. Having these symptoms under control was of primary importance.

Open communication and clear decision-making: Families and providers expressed the need for improved communication so that patients would be empowered and included in all decision making regarding their finances, care and treatment, to guarantee their caregivers would have a clear knowledge of their values and preferences before they reached a crisis stage. Providers all too often avoid end-of-life discussions for fear of removing hope; yet it was emphasized that everyone benefits from preparation, whether they have an idea when their life will end or not.

Preparation for death: People want to know what to expect when they are given a diagnosis so they can plan their final days and say their good-byes. Patients, their families and their providers wish to understand the physical and psychosocial changes that accompany the approach of death. There is also another level to this, and that is preparation of the spirit for transition. Some ways that can be accomplished are through prayer, meditation, contemplation, reading scripture and other spiritual books and practices, as well as regularly accessing non-ordinary states of consciousness in other ways, such as Holotropic Breathwork. These practices not only reduce the fear of death but also lead to greater mortality wisdom and the realization that death is not the end of consciousness (as, by the same token, birth is not the beginning of it). A video by Sogyal Rinpoche—just one demonstration of how one can prepare for death, help another prepare for death, and help those who have already made their transition—can be found at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYcqX8lrd8I.⁴

Completion: The non-physician portion of the focus groups emphasized the importance of spiritual and emotional purpose and meaning at the end of life. Examination of beliefs, individual life reviews, conflict resolutions and time spent with loved ones are considered crucial aspects of the dying process. A focus on preserving the patient’s quality of life takes into account the patient’s values, their saturation point for pain tolerance, and