The Bullyologist - Breaking the Silence on Bullying

By Jessica. Hickman

The Bullyologist - Breaking the Silence on Bullying

Through adversity comes great power..

Working in corporate Human Resources at an oil and gas project in Australia, Jessica Hickman was a champion for positive change, winning awards and recognition for her outstanding work in identifying gaps in mental health support in the Resources industry and helping create safer work environments.

But behind the scenes, Jessica endured prolonged workplace bullying that included physical and emotional intimidation, misogyny, threats, harassment and verbal abuse, which over time led to extreme anxiety and stress-related hospitalisation.  

Although her job was to implement best practice for employee support and to encourage healthy, respectful and productive company culture, Jessica herself became the victim of a relentless workplace targeting that caused her to live in fear at her own desk. 

She filed over 30 reports to upper management about her manager's behaviour with mixed results. Working through her own suffering, she was torn between a desire to help others and serious thoughts about abandoning an industry in the midst of a rise in suicides. Bound by a visa restriction and the concern that if she left, someone she cared about would have no mental health support, she stayed out of fear - putting her own happiness on hold to help those who needed her most. 

Turning fear into fuel, Jessica now uses her valuable experience to be an advocate for positive and lasting change. Thriving in the aftermath of her 'post-traumatic growth', she now helps others understand the complex nature of modern bullying, educating today's leaders about the damaging effects toxic workforce cultures can have on personal and business success.

Jessica Hickman was born in Wales and moved to Australia in 2013. Through a three-year personal ordeal with workplace bullying, she empowered herself to become a dynamic activist and advocate in the field of bullying, mental health and positive relationships.She is the founder of Bullyology, a professional anti-bullying methodology dedicated to tackling the global scourge of bullying while striving to promote healthy relationships in workplaces, at schools and online.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jessica. Hickman
• Release date: Jan 1, 2019
• ISBN: 9781540112453

Book preview

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The Bullyologist

Breaking the Silence on Bullying

By Jessica Hickman

Jessica photo

Dedicated to my parents, who taught me resilience, courage and how to love unconditionally.

To Sarah and Ryan, my non-biological family, who carried me along with compassion and kindness and provided a home away from home while I learned life’s tough lessons.

To my love Troy, who has supported me emotionally and lovingly and helped me heal. You’re my biggest fan, always by my side, encouraging me to pursue my dreams. Without you, this book and Bullyology might not exist. Thank you for believing in me.

DISCLAIMER, TERMS OF USE AGREEMENT AND COPYRIGHT NOTICE

The author/publisher has used her best efforts in preparing this book and makes no representation or warranties with respect to the accuracy, applicability, or completeness of the contents herein.

The author and publisher disclaim any warranties (express or implied), or fitness for any particular purpose. The author/publisher shall in no event be held liable to any party for any direct, indirect, punitive, special, incidental or other consequential damages arising indirectly or directly from this material, which is presented ‘as is’ and without warranties.

This book is copyrighted (© 2019) by the author/publisher, Jessica Hickman. No part of this book may be copied, changed in any format, sold or used in any way under any circumstances, without the written permission of the author.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

About the Author

Foreword

Introduction

Chapter 1  New Country, New Life

Chapter 2  Meeting my Bite-sized Bully

Chapter 3  Is your Workplace Toxic?

Chapter 4  Piling on the Pressure

Chapter 5  Bullies, Bystanders and Victims

Chapter 6  Small Man Anger 

Chapter 7  Cyberbullying: a Modern Epidemic 

Chapter 8  Bullying in Schools

Chapter 9  Building Resilience

Chapter 10  Workplace Leadership

Chapter 11  Bullying and Mind Health

Chapter 12  Broken Promises

Chapter 13  Anatomy of an Investigation

Chapter 14  Bullying in Sport

Chapter 15  Bali Healing

Chapter 16  Bullying Around the Globe

Chapter 17  Bullying Recovery Tips

Chapter 18  Bullying Myths and Stereotypes

Chapter 19  A Positive Workplace

Chapter 20  Be a Change-maker

Chapter 21  Building Bullyology

About the author

JESSICA HICKMAN WAS born in Wales and moved to Australia in 2013. Through a three-year personal ordeal with workplace bullying, she empowered herself to become a dynamic activist and advocate in the field of bullying and mental health in work, school and online environments.

Jessica worked in a Human Resources position on a Darwin-based oil and gas project in Australia. Here, she identified gaps in mental health support within the Resources industry and learned the core lessons that sparked her mission to be a change-maker, dedicated to creating safe and supportive work environments.

Jessica was a champion for positive change, winning awards and recognition for her outstanding work, including:

- Culture and Safety Champion Award

­­- Exceptional Women in Resources

- Cultural Champion Award

- Northern Territory Young Achiever Awards

- NT Somerville Community Service

- Minister for Families Excellence in Youth Leadership

- Community Fundraiser Award

But behind the scenes, Jessica suffered from extensive and prolonged workplace bullying that included physical and emotional intimidation, misogyny, threats, harassment and verbal abuse - which over time led to extreme anxiety and stress-related hospitalisation.

Although her job was to implement best practice for employee support and to encourage healthy, respectful and productive company culture, Jessica herself became the victim of a relentless workplace targeting that caused her to live in fear at her own desk. Equally ironic was the fact that her tormentor was her own HR manager, a person tasked with the professional responsibility of ensuring that this type of behaviour would not to be tolerated in the workplace.

She filed over 30 reports to upper management about her manager’s behaviour, with poor results and little or no protection. Working through her own suffering, she continued to strive to create a positive workplace culture while enduring toxic leadership behaviour that was tearing the company down. Feeling trapped and with no way out, she was torn between a desire to help others and serious thoughts about abandoning an industry that was in the midst of a rise in suicides. Bound by a visa restriction and the concern that if she left, someone she cared about would have no mental health support, she stayed put out of fear - putting her own happiness on hold to help those who needed her most.

Turning fear into fuel, Jessica now uses her valuable experience to be an advocate for positive and lasting change. Through adversity comes power, and Jessica now helps others understand the complex nature of modern bullying, educating today’s leaders about the damaging effects that toxic workforce cultures can have on personal and business success.

Jessica’s qualifications include:

Youth and Community Degree

Training and Assessment

Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT)

Suicide Intervention Skills

Coaching, Mentoring and Mindfulness

Cert IV Work, Health and Safety

Jessica is a professional member of the Australian and New Zealand Mental Health Association and the International Association on Workplace Bullying and Harassment. She is a Core Member of the UK Anti-Bullying Alliance.

As the founder of Bullyology - Breaking the Silence on Bullying, she delivers practical anti-bullying solutions for workplaces and schools.

Jessica is an in-demand speaker at business conferences, leadership workshops, charity fundraisers, corporate events and school assemblies, providing targeted keynote addresses on subjects that include workplace bullying, gender equality, resilience, corporate and school culture, mental health and more. You can contact her at [e-mail].

Foreword

BULLYING IS AT EPIDEMIC proportions worldwide: one in three children are bullied at some time in their lives. Like a disease, bullying doesn’t discriminate or target any particular individual. It is pervasive and can happen to any of us, at any time during our lives.

As CEO of No Bully, an international non-profit seeking to eradicate bullying in all its forms, our work is anchored primarily in bullying that affects school-aged children. That’s why I was so excited to be approached by Jessica Hickman about her work.

As children grow and enter the workforce, bullies continue to be encountered and persist in making life miserable for those they choose to target. Workplace bullying accounts for lost time, wages, resources and production on a daily basis. If left unchecked, it can wreak havoc, not only on individuals impacted by the bully’s volatile and disruptive behaviours but on the bottom line of the company itself.

The Bullyologist is a fascinating look at workplace bullying from multiple perspectives. It strikes an important balance between the author’s first-hand accounts of being bullied in the workplace and the facts, circumstances and challenges that companies must consider in supporting their own corporate climate and culture. The Bullyologist dances between the narrative experiences of the author and the provision of guidance and practices that can (and must) be incorporated into the workplace. Additionally, the chapters provide the reader with thought-provoking questions and activities to draw out examples, experiences and next steps regarding the bullying that might occur in their own world of work.

What I love most about The Bullyologist is that Jessica Hickman doesn’t stop with the braiding of personal narrative and practical business advice. She rounds out the book with examples from her own life that demonstrate how to achieve a healthy balance between personal and work life. For me, this gives The Bullyologist widespread audience appeal. Those multiple perspectives of bullying victim, corporate practice and responsibility and personal self-help advice provide each of us with something to latch onto and learn from. I applaud Jessica for her willingness to recount the raw feelings and emotions of her experiences and for her fortitude and grit as she persevered in a horrible workplace.

I also commend you – the reader – for recognising that bullying is pervasive in our society and that it needs to be addressed immediately. If you are the victim of bullying, you’ll find encouragement, practical solutions and hope within these pages as Jessica details how she overcame dramatic instances of workplace bullying to become an international thought leader in the field of anti-bullying.

If you are a bully, you will discover the traumatic impacts your own behaviours have on your targets and learn about more positive behavioural alternatives. And if you are a bullying bystander, you will learn the vital role you play in combating bullying when it occurs. You have more power than you know and your co-workers need you to step up.

Jessica Hickman is a role model for each of us as she takes us on a journey through her own harrowing workplace experiences into a world of personal and professional growth and best practices. I am incredibly honoured to know and work alongside Jessica as we approach the eradication of the global bullying epidemic together. This book is a strong cornerstone for quality discussion and discourse related to workplace bullying, and I look forward to improved corporate workplaces as a result of it.

Will McCoy, CEO

No Bully

www.nobully.org

Introduction

BULLYING IS A SERIOUS, complex and growing problem – and it’s not going away by itself. It rears its ugly head every day in workplaces, at schools and on social media platforms. Its perpetrators and victims are everywhere - there is no ‘standard bully’ or ‘typical bully victim’. Bullies and their targets come in every ethnicity, religious affiliation, socioeconomic status and educational background.

I am a former victim of extreme workplace bullying. For more than three years, I worked diligently in the global resources industry, running health and well-being programs and striving to create safe and productive work environments. To anyone viewing my career progress from the outside, I would have appeared to be powering from strength to strength - winning numerous industry awards, featuring positively in the media and receiving ministerial recognition for my work.

But behind the scenes and underneath the brave smiles, my life was at its lowest point. My ‘personal bully’ (I was by no means his only victim but I was a perennial favourite) began his relentless campaign of belittlement, threats and intimidation within a few hours of being promoted to a management position – probably not a world record but still impressive. This was my abrupt introduction to my new manager and the commencement of a barrage of personal attacks, habitual harassment, sabotage and standover tactics that progressed from the subtle to the blatant and continued until I finally left the company, fearing for my own mental and physical health.

One of the side effects of chronic bullying is the ongoing doubt it creates in its victims’ minds. You begin to ask yourself questions like ‘Why me?’ and ‘What have I done to deserve this?’ You wonder what you’ve done so wrong in life to be subjected to the horrible treatment you’re receiving. In my case, my only crimes were that I was a young woman, I was good at my job (which was threatening to my bully, who relied on bluster over competence) and I wasn’t afraid to speak up when something wasn’t right in the workplace.

I was a high achiever with a good heart. Through research and my own experience, I’ve discovered that this combination of qualities can make a person a target for bullying in many work environments. As is the case with most bullying scenarios, my workplace trauma wasn’t about me at all – it was about the perpetrator’s personal and professional issues and insecurities. I was simply a preferred target.

Bullying is an old story – a story that has no real accountability and is a perfect breeding ground for blame. Bullying and ‘passing the buck’ go hand in hand.

A bully blames employment pressures, stress, family issues, their environment or their past.

A victim blames the bully’s behaviours, their manager’s lack of support and their colleagues, who may see the abuse happening but do nothing to stop it.

Bystanders who witness the events and management who turn a blind eye to escalating tensions shift blame to the individuals themselves, dismissing the conflicts as personality clashes or excusing them as ‘just the culture of the organisation’.

In truth, all participants in bullying, whether directly involved or observers, can eliminate these events by changing the story. This is a simple matter of being proactive about demanding accountability:

Acknowledging that the situation is not okay

Recognising the repeated patterns that lead to the bullying

Accurately documenting the activities as they occur

Speaking to an outside source to get objective advice

Reporting concerns to upper management using factual information

For a long time, my story consisted of me being a victim of workplace bullying. My responses came from a position of fear; my actions were led from an emotional state. Workplace bullying shares a similarity with sexual assault and domestic violence: those who are harmed are frequently shamed and blamed into silence. Bullying is that awkward subject no company wants to shine a light on.

Whenever I tell people my ‘living hell’ story, their first reaction is to apologise – to tell me how sorry they are that I had to go through all that pain. But I don’t look at it that way. Yes, the experience was terrible. Yes, it caused me sleepless nights, high stress and a feeling of helplessness, fear and frustration. It was a crippling onslaught that caused me to lose my sense of worth and identity. 

But today I am so thankful to my bully because he’s the person who opened my eyes to how serious this issue is and its devastating effects on workplace productivity and mental health. His actions, inexcusable as they were, cleared the path for me to find my life’s purpose. Today, I run workshops that teach others to break the silence around bullying. I provide coaching support to bullying victims. I give CEOs, business leaders, school faculties and students the tools they need to break through the roadblocks that stand in the way of healthy human relationships.

My mission is to put people in a position to become positive change-makers. My personal ordeal was a motivator that helped drive my desire to help others. I’ve turned my negative bullying experience into a personally fulfilling life path. This process is known as ‘post-traumatic growth’: the resilience to create a magnificent life out of the worst-ever situations.

My bully would hate to know this but he’s done me a tremendous favour: he pointed me firmly in the direction of a calling that has changed my life for the better and is now changing the lives of many others too. He tried to break me but ended up creating a stronger version of the original. His behaviour propelled me into a life-changing decision to become an advocate against bullying and to battle the cultures that allows it to exist - to be a voice for the voiceless and to coach people through the difficult times that bullying creates.

I know everyone loves a good dose of comeuppance. We feel a bit cheated if every bullying story doesn’t end with the perpetrators ‘getting their just desserts’. Retribution and recompense can be incredibly satisfying. Unfortunately in real life, bullying situations don’t always work out that way. Change comes slowly if it comes at all. My bully is still active and the company I worked for that turned a blind eye to what was happening is still going about their usual business.

Bullying doesn’t vanish overnight with a ‘stern talking to’ or a couple of ten-minute morning meetings about employee respect. The cultural conditions that allow it to fester can be deeply ingrained and hard to budge. You can’t rely on Karma to even up the scales over time; there have to be specific, actionable strategies in place to put the brakes on today’s runaway epidemic of bullying. Being aware of the problem isn’t enough – we have to do something about it.

Left unchecked, bullying carries a huge cost. Businesses can lose money, public support and their reputation as a safe and desirable work environment. Students can lose self-esteem, friends and the ability to find their true voice and identity. In the most severe cases, bullying can lead to major mental health issues and even cost victims their lives.

Bullying is a relentless killer of productivity. A company or educational institution that ignores this fact does so at their peril. Bullying causes all those involved to lose focus. Employees feel undervalued and the emotional upheaval and time wasted distracts from everyone’s ability to get on with their jobs.

When I first started to voice my experiences with friends and those around me, I discovered that many people in today’s society have similar stories to tell. Armed with a passion for positive change, I founded Bullyology, an international business dedicated to tackling the scourge of bullying through education, workshops, public speaking, targeted courses and more.

I’m a big fan of bullying statistics (the more you study them, the more you realise the extent of the problem) but this isn’t a book about the dry facts of bullying. It’s a very personal story of one woman’s journey through a damaging bullying experience and her resulting emergence as a tenacious advocate for healthy and respectful human relationships in workplaces, schools and online environments.

Because out in the real world, bullying isn’t about stats, percentages or number-crunching. It’s about real people and respect.

This book is an interactive resource, so please feel free to participate in the questions/ideas/tasks found at the end of each chapter.

To join the anti-bullying movement and show your support, please connect with me using #bullyologist. On YouTube, Facebook and Twitter, search: Bullyology. Subscribe to the www.bullyology.com mailing list to learn more about anti-bullying resources and upcoming workshops, books and courses from The Bullyologist.

Chapter 1  New Country, New Life

COURAGE IS FIRE, AND bullying is smoke.

– Benjamin Disraeli

Before I arrived in Australia at age 23, I was a youth worker in Wales for seven years. I ran youth clubs for my local council, starting as a volunteer at age 15 and then progressing to a paid manager position. I had several busy years working full time as office/contracts manager for a UK construction firm, doing evening work in youth clubs and studying for my Youth and Community degree. Feeling I needed a break after this hectic period, I decided to apply for a working holiday visa and travelled to Australia as an enthusiastic young backpacker.

I soon picked up an admin job with an Australian company that offered me a Human Resources position and on-the-job training. My Dad worked for the UK branch of the business, which helped me get a foot in the door. My experience as an office manager and running teams in youth clubs was looked upon favourably and I was able to quickly build upon my existing HR skills.

I was hired in Darwin in March 2014 and then flown to the corporate head office in Perth, where I was offered a company car and an apartment. Going from living in a Darwin backpacker hostel to this kind of luxury felt like a dream and it was amazing to have a proper base to call home. I couldn’t believe all these wonderful things were happening to me so fast. I was ecstatic and incredibly grateful – Australia was somewhere I’d always wanted to visit and here I was with an opportunity to bring my skills to a new place and expand my passion for helping people. I didn’t take this positive turn of events for granted: I was determined to prove I could make a real difference.

My mother came to visit me while I was in Perth and I remember how proud she was of me, all set up in my own apartment and working for a major global company.

When interviewed by the company CEO, I was asked about my long-term goals. Did I want the job merely to fund further travels or was I keen on a serious career and the chance to live, work and stay in Australia? He offered me a visa sponsorship right there at that first coffee-shop meeting, provided I could prove I was a valuable employee. From that point on, I tried my hardest to exceed his expectations, justify his trust in my abilities and go above and beyond the requirements of my position. That visa sponsorship came through within the next 6 months and I cherished what it represented for my future. Life