Bully Proof

By M. Issa Seck

Bullying is wrong, it is unacceptable and just like we do not tolerate rape, murder, drinking and driving we should not tolerate any form of bullying in our societies. So many lives are being affected in a negative way and to this day we still don’t seem to figure out what to do to prevent bullying from happening. Our kids have the right to and deserve to grow up in a safe environment where they can live their youth fully and happily without fear.

Not knowing is not an option anymore. The purpose of this book is to provide to parents and children with a guide, techniques and various tools that will allow them to take the appropriate actions when facing bullying. It also helps start the conversation between parents and children using case scenarios and family discussion topics.

The “Bully Proof” book is divided into four main categories: the Players (bullies, victims and bystanders), the Behaviors (Physical, verbal, social, cyber and self-bullying), the Environment (at home, at school, online and within the community) and the Solutions (the parents, the youth, the schools and the community).

In order to effectively prevent bullying from happening, we need to first understand what is and what is not bullying so we can make sure that each support group (parents, children, the communities and school) is equipped with the necessary knowledge and skills to help prevent bullying from happening.

The “Bully Proof” book covers all types of bullying ranging from self-bullying, verbal bullying, physical bullying, social bullying and cyberbullying. It details what they are, the reasons why they happen, the consequences and the solutions.

It also highlights the importance of living an active life which is directly connected to self-esteem. In addition, it also provides various case scenarios as well as basic self-defense techniques to safely get away from the different forms of physical bullying. As an extra, there are tips and tricks to help with eye contact, body language and knowing the difference between certain behaviors (e.g. telling vs tattle telling).

There is also real-life stories about bullying that ended up with the victims taking their own lives. In addition, you will also find some sample documents (e.g. letter to the school, action vs responses and more you can use.

• Language: English
• Publisher: M. Issa Seck
• Release date: Oct 26, 2017
• ISBN: 9781775118725

Book preview

Bully Proof

M. Issa Seck

Published by M. Issa Seck, 2017.

While every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this book, the publisher assumes no responsibility for errors or omissions, or for damages resulting from the use of the information contained herein.

BULLY PROOF

First edition. October 26, 2017.

Copyright © 2017 M. Issa Seck.

ISBN: 978-1775118725

Written by M. Issa Seck.

Bully Proof

M. Issa Seck

Contents

INTRODUCTION

About the Book

About the Author

THE PLAYERS

Part 1 - Bullies, Victims and Bystanders

The Players and Their Roles

The Bullies

The Victims

The Bystanders

THE BEHAVIOR

Part 2 - What Is NOT Bullying

Like-A-Bully Behaviors

Conflict Resolution

Conflict resolution strategies

Conflict Resolution Mistakes

Part 3 - What is Bullying

The Behavior

The Environments

Players Involved and Targets

Causes and effects of bullying

Warning Signs of Bullying

Reasons Kids Don’t Ask for Help

Role of parents

Skills That Can Be Used Right Away

Part 4 - Physical Bullying

Identifying Physical Bullying Behaviors

Causes and Effects of Physical Bullying

Signs of Physical Bullying

Solutions to physical bullying

Basic self-defense techniques

When Fighting Back Is Your Only Option

Reasons to Encourage Kids to Hit Back

Part 5 - Verbal Bullying

Identifying Verbal Bullying Behaviors

Causes and effects of verbal bullying

Solutions to Verbal Bullying

Comeback Lines

Part 6 - Self-Bullying

Identifying Self-Bullying Behaviors

Causes and Effects of Self-Bullying

Building up Self-Esteem

Tips to Improve Self-esteem

Solutions to Self-Bullying

Part 7- Social Bullying

Identifying Social Bullying Behaviors

Causes and effects of social bullying

Solutions to Social Bullying

Inclusion and Diversity

Part 8 - Cyberbullying

Identifying Cyberbullying Behaviors

Causes and Effects of Cyberbullying

Legal Consequences of Cyberbullying

Solutions to Cyberbullying

THE ENVIRONMENT

Part 9 - At Home environment

Types of Family Bullying

Preventing and Dealing With Family Bullying

Part 10 - At School Environment

Hot Spots and the Solutions

Part 11 - Online Environment

Methods and Mediums Used to Cyberbully

Understanding the Social Networks

Part 12 - Within the Community

Be Aware, Get Involved

THE SOLUTIONS

Part 13 - Bully-proof your kids

Bully-Proofing Your Child

Resilience and Confidence

Communicate and Guide Your Child

Reacting to a Bullying Situation

Do’s and Don’ts

Part 14 - Become an Upstander

Ways to Become an Upstander

Tips and Tricks

Part 15 - Active and Healthy lifestyle

Fitness and Balanced Diet

Lifestyle Choices and Calories

Part 16 - Bully-free Schools

Prevention Methods

Part 17 - Bully-free Community

Engaging the Community

CONCLUSION

EXTRAS…

Parenting handbook

Bullycide stories

Scenarios & Discussion Topics

Myths & Facts

Sample Letter to School

Donate

INTRODUCTION

INTRODUCTION

About the Book

Bullying is wrong, it is unacceptable and just like we do not tolerate rape, murder, drinking and driving we should not tolerate any form of bullying in our societies. So many lives are being affected in a negative way and to this day we still don’t seem to figure out what to do to prevent bullying from happening. Our kids have the right to and deserve to grow up in a safe environment where they can live their youth fully and happily without fear.

Not knowing is not an option anymore. The purpose of this book is to provide to parents and children with a guide, techniques and various tools that will allow them to take the appropriate actions when facing bullying. It also helps start the conversation between parents and children using case scenarios and family discussion topics.

The Bully Proof book is divided into four main categories: the Players (bullies, victims and bystanders), the Behaviors (Physical, verbal, social, cyber and selfbullying), the Environment (at home, at school, online and within the community) and the Solutions (the parents, the youth, the schools and the community).

In order to effectively prevent bullying from happening, we need to first understand what is and what is not bullying so we can make sure that each support group (parents, children, the communities and school) is equipped with the necessary knowledge and skills to help prevent bullying from happening.

The Bully Proof book covers all types of bullying ranging from self-bullying, verbal bullying, physical bullying, social bullying and cyberbullying. It details what they are, the reasons why they happen, the consequences and the solutions.

It also highlights the importance of living an active life which is directly connected to self-esteem. In addition, it also provides various case scenarios as well as basic selfdefense techniques to safely get away from the different forms of physical bullying. As an extra, there are tips and tricks to help with eye contact, body language and knowing the difference between certain behaviors (e.g. telling vs tattle telling).

There is also real-life stories about bullying that ended up with the victims taking their own lives. In addition, you will also find some sample documents (e.g. letter to the school, action vs responses and more you can use.

About the Author

Iam not a psychologist nor do I have a PhD in children’s behavior, I just happen to be a parent of three children (thirteen-year-old girl, nine-year-old boy and a five- year-old girl) and let’s not forget the cat and the dog.

I have a bachelor degree in marketing and management and I am also a martial artist with a black belt in Taekwondo and a blue belt in Brazilian jujitsu, a solid background in Muay Thai as well as being a retired professional mixed martial arts fighter. Presently, I have my own gym and teach kids self-defense and anti-bullying and conflict resolution programs.

Bullying is a serious issue; kids are dying, going through depression, anxiety and many other devastating situations that are leaving parents and family members powerless and broken forever.

I am writing this book hoping that it can save or at least make a difference in one life. Change the heart of somebody that is bullying others or by strengthening a victim and bystanders by giving them courage and information that will allow them to stand up to bullies.

Before having kids I didn’t really care about bullying. I thought it was just kids being kids and that every kid will have to go through some roughhousing from time to time and it was part of growing up. I used to think that either you are tough or you are a wimp and that you just need it to toughen up and stand up for yourself.

I got my wake-up call when my stepdaughter, a brilliant and smart little girl who loved going to school was getting bullied at school at age six. We first noticed that she started not wanting to go to school, she would cry the night before going to bed and complain about stomach aches. After further investigation, we found that the reason she did not want to go was because she was getting bullied and harassed by another girl at school.

My first reaction was totally wrong, I told her to toughen up and fight back and when she didn’t, I got frustrated and could simply not understand why she was not just fighting back. Knowing what I know now, I feel really bad for reacting that way. But to understand my initial reaction let’s take a step backward. I have to tell you a little bit about my upbringing and my background.

I am originally from West Africa a country named Senegal. I come from a family of seven with two older brothers, two younger sisters and two younger brothers. Like any other family we loved each other unconditionally but us boys got into many physical altercations growing up which was very normal back then. On the other hand, anybody that would fight one of my siblings outside of the household environment would have to deal with the whole family. When it comes to friendship, I remember to this day my parents always telling us, Your brothers and sisters are and always will be your best friends.

My older brother and I had the same group of friends; they were two years older than me making two others and me the youngest of the crew. Now that I think about it, there was a lot of teasing, taunting and bullying and because I was a little chubby kid. I got teased with the nickname Big Butt Issa. I can’t even tell you how many times I got into fights beating up other kids or sometimes getting beat up just because I would not let them call me that nickname.

My mom urged me to let it go and not engage in physical altercations she would always say, "What is it doing if somebody calls you a big butt? Just ignore it and stop getting into fights. It doesn’t matter how big or skinny your butt is, they all

stink anyway." She always found humor and made up her own sayings to explain to us complex topics or downplay situations. That big butt of mine actually became handy and paid off big time when I started doing Taekwondo at the age of ten earning me some strong kicks and lots of success competing in martial arts.

Growing up, bullying was everywhere. There was no day that would have gone by without one of us getting into a fight or somebody getting beat up, it was just a normal thing and god forbid if you go home crying telling your parents that some other kid beat you up, then you got into more trouble for not standing up for yourself.

The worst was at school. Friday was fight day, you could have an issue with somebody on Monday and then they would say wait until Friday so imagine as a kid having to go all week stressed out about the upcoming fight on Friday especially if the other kid is bigger and stronger and on top of that you can’t even tell your parents for fear of getting in trouble for not standing up for yourself.

In my case I have never been a bully. However, I never shied away from fighting neither. I was more like one of those that would take a fight for somebody else if I judged that it was not fair (anyone could take a fight for someone). Teachers and school administration didn’t really care to see two kids beating up each other; they would walk by without even flinching. It was not a big deal.

Fighting was just normal and part of growing up I guess. So I came to Canada at age twenty with that mentality. Until the incident with my daughter happened my mentality was always to stand up for yourself and if somebody hits you once, you hit them as hard as you can so they learn a lesson and make sure they never do it again because that’s what worked for me in the environment I grew up in.

At first when my daughter mentioned that another girl was intimidating her and physically pushing her my first reaction was to ask if she pushed her back, she said, No and I got upset because I couldn’t understand why she was not defending herself; I tried giving her tips on how to be aggressive when somebody being aggressive toward her but it just didn’t work and as the semester went she was more and more miserable. It just broke my heart to see her like that. That was for me the tipping point why I had to step back and try to put myself in her shoes.

It was not right for me to try to compare her to myself or try to make her react the same way that I would have reacted. From that moment I’ve decided to take another approach which consisted into empowering her to speak up and not have an emotional response to the bullying. The goal was to teach her how to be assertive because one thing I have learned is that people will pick on you if they see that it is getting to you. However, they tend to stop when you show them that you are not afraid and show some resilience and stand your ground then they will tend to stop.

Guess what? It worked. It took patience and practice, I remember sitting with her at the kitchen table when she came home from school to talk about her day and the situations that happened as well as the best way to handle them. We would talk about ways to react and respond with the right body language and tone of voice, etc. It took a few months but at the end we got a hang of it and the bullying has stopped because she was able to show assertiveness and stood up for herself.

She was again happy to go to school and learn. Now my daughter is thirteen-years old going on fourteen she has a strong personality. Speaks for herself and her friends and this year has overcome social and cyberbullying in a way that made me really proud of her. But the challenges are never over. Just when we are done

dealing with the latest bullying attempts comes the potential boyfriends challenge which is a totally different issue that I personally find way more challenging since it is new to us.

All this make me realize that parenting is a full-time job. There are always new challenges and we have to be proactive and continuously educate ourselves to be able to successfully guide our children through their life journeys. I don’t know if I’m doing it right or wrong but what I know I will try my best by loving, listening, supporting, guiding, teaching and compromising using disciplining as a teaching moment and not a punishment.

Through this book, I am hoping to provide a toolkit to help parents and families going through the same things or wanting to prevent that situation from happening to find answers and solutions that are common to each family.

Let’s Bully Proof our children, change the behaviors and create bully-free environments supported by an army of upstanders rather than bullies, victims or bystanders. My motto is:

❖ You Shall Not Bully Yourself!

❖ You Shall Not Bully Others!

❖ You Should Stand Up for Yourself!

❖ You Should Stand Up for Others!

Chapter 1

THE PLAYERS

Preventing bullying in early childhood settings involves more than focusing only on the child who is doing the bullying. The emergence of bullying is based on the formation of specific relationships among children who bully, children who are bullied, and children who observe the bullying: the bully, the victim and the bystander.

Part 1 - Bullies, Victims and Bystanders

In group situations, other children are often watching the bullying unfold. These bystanders to bullying learn who’s involved and which behaviors are permitted and rewarded. They may become fearful of the bullying child, rejecting of the victimized child and passively accepting of a climate where bullying behaviors are permitted. They may also be enticed to join in or try out the bullying themselves.

There are many roles that kids can play. Kids can bully others, they can be bullied or they may witness bullying. When kids are involved in bullying, they often play more than one role. Sometimes kids may both be bullied and bully others or they may witness to other kids being bullied. It is important to understand the multiple roles kids play in order to effectively prevent and respond to bullying.

The Players and Their Roles

The role kids play in bullying are not limited to those who bully others and those who are bullied. It is a bullying cycle defining both those directly involved in bullying and those who actively or passively assist the behavior or defend against it with direct roles that include:

Kids who Bully - These children engage in bullying behavior toward their peers. There are many risk factors that may contribute to the child’s involvement in the behavior. Often, these students require support to change their behavior and address any other challenges that may be influencing their behavior.

Kids who are bullied - These children are the targets of bullying behavior. Some factors put children at more risk of being bullied, but not all children with these characteristics will be bullied. Sometimes, these children may need help learning how to respond to bullying.

Even if a child is not directly involved in bullying, they may be contributing to the behavior. Witnessing the behavior may also affect the child, so it is important for them to learn what they should do when they see bullying happen.

Kids who assist - These children may not start the bullying or lead in the bullying behavior, but serve as an assistant to children who are bullying. These children may encourage the bullying behavior and occasionally join in.

Kids who reinforce - These children are not directly involved in the bullying behavior but they give the bullying an audience. They will often laugh or provide support for the children who are engaging in bullying. This may encourage the bullying to continue.

Outsiders - These children remain separate from the bullying situation. They neither reinforce the bullying behavior nor defend the child being bullied. Some may watch what is going on but do not react to the situation to show they are on anyone’s side. Even so, providing an audience may encourage the bullying behavior. These kids often want to help, but don’t know how. They need to learn to be upstanders.

Kids who defend - These children actively comfort the child being bullied and may come to the child’s defense when bullying occurs. When referring to a bullying situation, it is easy to call the kids who bully others bullies and those who are targeted victims, but this may have unintended consequences.

When children are labeled as bullies or victims it may send the message that the child’s behavior cannot change and fail to recognize the multiple roles children might play in different bullying situations; it might also disregard other factors contributing to the behavior such as peer influence or school climate.

Instead of labeling the children involved, focus on the behavior. For instance, instead of calling a child a bully, refer to them as the child who bullied, instead of calling a child a victim, refer to them as the child who was bullied and lastly instead of calling a child a bully/victim, refer to them as the child who was both bullied and bullied others.

Parents and educators need to understand the dynamics of these three roles and to recognize when a child begins to step into a particular role. Early intervention and guidance can prepare children to prevent or stop bullying behaviors and establish an atmosphere in which bullying is not permitted.

Most kids play more than one role in bullying over time. In some cases, they may be directly involved in bullying as the one bullying others or being bullied and in others they may witness bullying and play an assisting or defending role.

Every situation is different. Some kids are both bullied and bully others. It is important to note the multiple roles kids play, because those who are both bullied and bully others may be at more risk for negative outcomes, such as depression or suicidal thoughts. It highlights the need to engage all kids in prevention efforts, not just those who are known to be directly involved.

The Bullies

They select and systematically train their victims to comply with their demands. They seek active encouragement, passive acceptance, or silence from bystanders. But bullies can be stopped when victims and bystanders learn and apply new ways to stand up against bullying.

Bullies can also learn how to make friends and get what they want by helping, rather than hurting others.

Types of bullies: Bullies can make us feel sad, alone, scared and even affect how well we see ourselves. Sadly, no matter who we are or what we do, sharing space with this incredibly annoying individual is inevitable, mainly because they come in many different forms.

Aggressive bullies - They are the most common type of bully. Young people who fall into this category tend to be physically strong, impulsive, hot-tempered, belligerent, fearless, coercive, confident and lacking in empathy for their victims. They have an aggressive personality and are motivated by power and the desire to dominate others. They are also likely to make negative attributions, often seeing slights or hostility in those around them that don’t actually exist.

The aggressive bully tends to be most popular in the early school years and then less so in the upper grades, perhaps because young children are more likely than older students to admire the macho image. As students get older, they become better able to think critically about peers and leaders.

Passive bullies - Unlike the ultra-confident aggressive, passive bullies tend to be insecure. They are also much less popular than the aggressive bullies and often have