A Girl Like Me

By Simply Sue

I am so grateful for the ability to step beyond my old limits to experience and participate in my own life.

Who is the least likely person to reach for her dreams, to step over the baggage that the family disease of alcoholism can create? Who is the least likely person to rise above the loneliness, isolation, and fear of her own shadow?
A Girl like Me ...thats who.

Simply Sue starts out with a compelling story of struggle, strength, and courage as her faith grows and blossoms in her spirit, awakening her ability to walk through fear after fear to be a part of her dreams coming true, drawing others in to share with light and love of God. Sometimes you have to step out in order to step intrust in God and tie your camel to a tree. So grab a cup of tea and your favorite afghan and curl up with A Girl like Me. Simply Sue will take you through a bit of her life from there to here and share stories that will make you laugh and cry or nod your head. Come along and experience the transformation first-hand and be inspired to become willing to be all you are meant to be!

Remember, faith does not take away our humanness; it restores our ability to remember who we are.

- Simply Sue

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Jan 10, 2014
• ISBN: 9781452588100

Simply Sue

A mother and a grandmother of six, a former wife, a sister and a friend. I’m a cousin and an aunt. Most importantly, I am a child of God. I’m Simply Sue and I live in the city of Tonawanda, tucked in between Niagara Falls and Buffalo, New York. Here I am, A Girl like Me, reaching out with hope and promise. Who would have ever thought? I’m Simply Sue, and I’m glad to be here.

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Copyright © 2013 Simply Sue.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Credit for Author Photo: Trina Clifford

Balboa Press books may be ordered through booksellers or by contacting:

Balboa Press

A Division of Hay House

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.balboapress.com

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-4525-8809-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-8810-0 (e)

Balboa Press rev. date: 12/30/2013

CONTENTS

Endorsements…

Poem And Dedication

Preface

Introduction…Just A Peek

Part One

Chapter 1 Frazzled

Chapter 2 Inch-By-Inch Is A Cinch?

Chapter 3 …And The Courage To Change The Things I Can

Chapter 4 Shuffle Off To Buffalo

Chapter 5 Possibilities And Promises

Chapter 6 Let The Obstacles Be Gone!

Chapter 7 At The Threshold

Chapter 8 Just Plantin A Seed…That’s All…

Chapter 9 Boom

Chapter 10 Faith Is Finding Answers Within The Heart

Chapter 11 Key To Harmony

Chapter 12 Don’t Look At The Waves!

Chapter 13 Opening Day!!!

Chapter 14 Ok Breathe…

Chapter 15 The Thirty Dollars Too Much Room

Part Two

Chapter 1

Amelia

I Love My Job!

Just A Saturday Afternoon, At Simply Sue’s Tea Shop

It’s All In The Presentation!

Never A Dull Moment At Simply Sue’s!

Gimmie Back My Friend

His Name…. David

A Day At The Beach

Your One Stop Tea Shop

Part Two Chapter 2

Subject: Ok

Special Times Special Folks

Simply Whew! By Simply Sue!

I’m In Awe…Again/Still

Don’t Let The Dream Become Your God: Step 2

My Paperboy

Dear God

Sweetness

Twelve At Twelve

Old Fashioned Days

Now I Know Why…

Part Two Chapter 3

July 11, 2008 Journal Entry

Wholly Mackerel…One Year!

July 17, 2008

Sea Gulls And Geese And Cranes Oh My!

Rainy Day At The Beach

The Shell That Enclosed My Life

August 14, 2008

The Taste Of Tonawanda Is Here!

The Taste Of Tonawanda …2008!

Higher Powered

Remember Amelia?

Early Bird Bookworm!

Grace, An Inspiration Today

A Date With Perfection

Julie, From Survival To Recovery

Just One Of The Things…

Oh Yeah….I Am Woman!

Part Two Chapter 4

Don

First Grade Serenity

Another Day….Another Blessing

Just Cookin

Autumn On Main Street

Another Autumn On Main Story And…Oh, And Let’s Not Forget The Girls

October 9, 2008

Part Two Chapter 5

Lost

Simply

Mr. Lost Returns

It’s All Good…It’s All God!

Dannnyoke

He Rocks!

A Beautiful Child Of God

Just Be

Part Two Chapter 6

Brrrrrrr…..Just Some Rambling

Sometimes My Mind Tells Me That God Over-Estimates Me, But My Heart Tells Me No

Goin’ With The Flow

Happy Birthday Mom!

On My Mind

Chester

Part Two Chapter 7

His Name…. Charlie

She’s A Me

Oh My Gosh…You Won’t Believe It….

An Artists Date

Kathy

It’s Done

Something New For Simply Sue’s

Trust In The Lord With All Your Heart And Do Not Lean On Your Own Understanding

A Lady Named Me

A Bundle Of Love…That Hits The Spot!

Thank You Lord, For Your Light…Amen.

He Is The Air I Breath

When It Rains, It Pours

It’s Spring!

Short, But Amusing… Simply Sue Taking Charge

Part Two Chapter 8

Back To The Future? Or Back To The Past?

Let Go And Let God, Live And Let Live, Stay Out Of The Way, Don’t Enable…. I Can’t Save, I’m Just Sue

The Best For Last

Simply Secretary!!

Action!

Flowing With The Day!

Craft Show Eve

Not Sure What To Name This One, But… Thanking God (Literally)

God… Grant Me The Serenity To Accept The Things I Cannot Change, The Courage To Change The Things I Can… And Wisdom To Go With The Flow!

Good Orderly Direction!

Come Out! Come Out Wherever You Are!

Part Two Chapter 9

February 2010

Waves Of Grief

Alone In Grief

Grace

All Is Well

Mother Hubbard?

Part Two Chapter 10

Sweet Endings

Buffalo’s Broadway Market

Easter Sunday

Walk With Me

Part Three

Chapter 1

Purpose

Healing Snuggles

From Sad To Glad…

Body, Mind, And Spirit United!

Moms

I Miss The Shop

Double Header Day!

Send Me???

Talk About Being Dumped!

Thankful, Grateful…Thanks-Giving

Spiritual Gifts

So This Christmas….

Hand In Hand

Let Me Be A Channel

This Is What I See

Intimacy In The Circle

The True Art Of Companionship

In Closing I Would Like To Say…

Simply Sue’s Tea Shop

P.S.

One Last Note…

Acknowledgements

My smiling heart….

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…Loves you!

Remember, faith does not take away our humanness;

it restores our ability to remember who we are.

ENDORSEMENTS…

From the hidden corners of her soul to the hearts of her readers, Susan Joy takes us on a journey of discovery… a journey within and towards ones Divine inner light. An unforgettable story of self-awareness and love…Kim S.

Sue has a way describing everyday situations that touch my heart. She sees in daily happenings what many of us fail to notice; the little joys that make up life…April K.

This is a book that will appeal to all mothers, single mothers and divorced women. It is forthright as well as insightful. The style is simple and entertaining….

Ellen J. Christensen

Adjunct Professor

Canisius College - Buffalo, NY

I’ve known Sue for a little while and what’s so readable about this book is that it’s an everybody book. Who can’t relate to almost every story that’s told from the heart and touches the edges of encounters with everyday people? The stories are engrossing; you can’t put them down till the finish. It’s wonderful to know that someone else has had the same feelings that you’ve had about events in their life.!!!! Love, Sharon T.

Inspiration abounds!!! If you think you can’t make a change, just pick this book up – it’s that simple!…Early Bird Bookworm

I’ve known Sue my whole life, she’s my sister! My siblings are special but Sue has always expressed her feelings and experiences in a unique way! …Jim Pietrowski

An invaluable, compassionate, and spiritual harvest of redemptive insights that will both excite and challenge the reader to look within. Sue has put together a beautiful book, unlike any other, describing personal accounts of living life by seeing the extraordinary in the ordinary… A heart-felt, genuine, honest, and tender work that will fill you with an array of emotions, making it nearly impossible to put this book down. …Angie P.

Sue has a special way of warming hearts by sharing her life stories and giving inspiration and hope to all who know her. Sue’s heart full of love for others overflows in each story and her readers are reminded that it truly is in giving that we receive as Sue has given so much of herself to others.…Mary Anne Z.

Sue is the most spiritual person I know. She has written many beautiful stories that have captured my imagination. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who is a participant in life… Betty C.

Get ready to have your emotions stirred when reading Simply Sue’s stories. There have been times I have laughed out loud and times when my eyes are filled with tears. I recall reading a story and holding my breath, not knowing if the ending would bring tears or laughter. The sensitivity with which Simply Sue writes with makes one feel as though they are receiving life from her life…. Carol Ann G.

An amazing share of experience, strength and hope and testament to the power of the Al-Anon program… Debby F.

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Dandelions Are My Favorite Flowers…

…Because they Never Stop Growing

What kind of flowers do you have in your yard?

Are they the hearty survivors?

Or the skimmers that fade away with life’s storms?

For me and my yard…. I prefer the survivors.

They are an inspiration for me,

and also quite an example of Serenity.

You don’t have to weed around them,

or prepare the soil for them…

they just grow and multiply.

And the color….Oh! The color…

is the deepest, brightest yellow you will ever find.

Beauty, Hope, Strength and Endurance…

Dandelions are my favorite flower.

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With Much Love,

~Simply Sue~

To: Debby, Robin and Julie

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You three girls are survivors for sure, beautiful dandelions!

A bouquet of beauty!

I don’t even know how long we’ve been at this editing of my stories.

I am so grateful for the love and endurance you’ve shown.

Laughing, crying and criticizing! I have been so blessed.

I thank you from the deepness of my heart.

It’s been a wonderful journey of discovery, thank you for joining me!

I wish for each one of you the awareness of God’s guidance and blessings in all you do.

I hope that as we traveled though my stories, you each took away nuggets of inspiration, faith and fellowship that will blossom and bloom in your lives…just like a dandelion!

I know that just like a dandelion,

you will continue to carry the message of hope in all you do.

Love, Peace and Gratitude to you, from me…Simply Sue

I love you, Debby, Robin and Julie

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Perception is a funny thing…

It changes from mind to mind.

As I prepare my book to be submitted for publication, I have been hosting many emotions. Fear is one of the big ones and it comes through in many ways. Each time it has, I embrace it, feel grateful for it, and then I take a minute to just breathe in the presence of my God, imagining that amazing Spiritual Energy surrounding it, disabling its hold on me, and filling me with the wisdom to know the difference. I no longer feel the need for fear to be magically removed, or let it stop me in my tracks…I simply have to ask the God of my understanding to help me understand it and to use it to move me forward if need be.

I made a list of my fears and one by one I turned them around. One remains as I read over stories. I do not wish to hurt anyone’s feelings with my perceptions. Two people in the same womb, room, home, workplace, relationship, drive-way or anywhere, can and will have different perceptions of everything they encounter. I implore you to keep that in mind when reading my stories. My first impressions used to keep me enclosed in my own little world. They kept me from so many blessings and wonderfully loving people. Throughout my recovery and especially in my shop, I have learned that even though I might tally up a first impression, I can set it aside and see the beauty within, or I can walk away with peace.

Just to share a cute little story about perception, I’d like to tell you about the perception of a 3 year old and his Grandma. We were coloring one day, me and Cohen, and there was picture of car with a character as the driver. The car had little poofs coming out the back of it. Cohen said to me, Grandma Sue, why is popcorn coming out the back of that car? At first I didn’t know what he was talking about. My perception was that the car was in motion and the poof’s was the exhaust. But once I understood his perception, I could see it too! It didn’t make it true for me… but in his little 3 year old mind, that car was making popcorn, and that’s OK.

Also in my writing after reading through it seemingly a thousand times, I noticed how my perception changed as time changed. I hope you will be able to see how the slogan, This Too Shall Pass, really does apply to perception and acceptance. I hope you will read with an open mind and an open heart and most of all, I hope I have carried the message I so desperately wish to.

INTRODUCTION…JUST A PEEK

I’m starting this story as I come to an end of an experience that was and continues to be beyond my wildest dreams. I’m just a mere wisp of a person on this earth. By earthly standards I’m just ordinary and very soft spoken…so much so that I’m often overlooked. In the past I have had the tendency to shrink back and watch life go by thinking I was not capable or worthy of participating. I feel like I’ve lived most of my life inside my mind and that for so many years my spirit roamed around looking for its purpose.

As a result of situations and events in my life, I found a program that gave me 12 Steps to revive my broken spirit and courage to step outside of my very limited life to begin to live from the inside out, to open my mind and to be able to give and receive with my heart and with faith. Most importantly, the 12 Steps also gave me a God of my own understanding, whom I continue to explore and deepen my relationship with on a daily basis.

I’ve been writing stories for quite a few years now. They have helped me to express myself and also to pull deeper thoughts from my mind and heart. My family and friends have enjoyed reading them and passing them along. Much of my book will be stories that look like journal entries, because they were written along the way and saved. Some will take you back to where I’ve been, some will move you forward, and some will be in retrospect.

Many times over the years, friends have encouraged me to write a book with all my stories. I’ve always loved reading and had many tiny little wish nuggets tucked away deep within that pocket of dreams beyond my capability. The dreams that came true for other people. One of those nuggets was to write a book. Another was to have a business of my own. As I stepped out of my cocoon and started to open my mind to heal from the effects of the family disease of Alcoholism and life in general, I started to let in the maybes. That started a progression of all those little nuggets becoming possibilities popping up here and there in my mind and in my sharing. Sometimes I would welcome them and even dream further, but sometimes it seemed like I was playing that children’s game called Wack-A-Mole. Every time a dream would pop up, I’d hammer it down. So please know that my dreams were not overnight happenings. Also know that the journey is what made them all the more real and powerfully effective in my life and those that witnessed it happening.

I hope this book will be an inspiration and encouragement to all. Especially to women who think they are locked into a way of life with no options or any rights to options. I’m throwing you a Light, a lifeline if you will. Take a look around you. Take a look within yourself and wonder…. Am I everything God wants me to be…just for today? One thing to remember while reading is not to compare, but rather to identify. Not to minimize, but rather put into perspective.

The following entry takes place about half way through my story; I’m giving you a glimpse into the future. I didn’t have that glimpse, I had faith. God sees what’s up ahead… around the corner and when I step out in faith, I have no idea what the impact on one seemingly little scary step will have on my future.

March 28, 2007

I went to downtown Buffalo Monday and applied for my DBA (Doing Business As)…God was with me all the way. I don’t like the parking garages and it was pouring rain and I couldn’t find 92 Franklin. I drove up and down Franklin Street quite a few times before deciding to drive into the ramp and just walk the street to find 92.

So, I said a prayer and drove on in. Suddenly I realized I was driving the wrong way but when I went to turn around…there was a parking spot right by the door! You see if I am willing to walk (or drive) by faith most times I don’t have to walk or drive too far, willingness is the key! When I came outside, the sun was shining and guess what else??? 92 Franklin was right across the street!

I went through the metal detectors and right on the other side was my good friend Lynette, who hugged the heck out of me—> for God…. He always sends encouragement along the way. Always.

I don’t know if you have ever been down in the Records Department of the County Clerk’s office but it’s in a musty ol’ basement, and mostly really old men work there! I felt like I entered a different world down there. It seemed as if I was walking into a black and white world, but I was so pumped I felt as though I was in living color. I had to look through these very huge dusty books of all businesses to see if the name I picked was already taken for someone else’s business. It was so neat! I was just so in tune with my surroundings, trying to take everything in. I felt as though all the pores in my skin were open, absorbing the excitement of this very dull place! There were no Simply Sue’s at all…imagine that!

I was so excited as I filled out my forms and paid my fee. By the time I got back to my car, I was crying. When I let the Power of God run through me I get so overwhelmed with emotion and awe. His Power saturates every cell of my being, carrying me when needed or standing me upright to walk through situations I once never dreamt of being in.

Sometimes I just don’t know what to do with all the excitement going on inside me! I called my daughter Alison and shared my experience with her. She was so much more excited than the woman who stamped me official and took my money. I think that woman could have used some fresh air, breathing in all those dusty old men all day, what would you expect?

Anyways…I have been working on a business plan and hopefully I will be done with it in a week or two. The building I want needs a lot of work…but so did I. If God wants me to have this and do this…. then He will make a way, He always does!

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That story seems as if it were another lifetime. It was the beginning of an incredible journey for a girl like me and could be you! …by the Grace of God. Today is June of 2010. I’ve been there, done that, and now I have a story to tell. I hope you will enjoy it, be encouraged by it, and even learn something from it!

I am probably the least of all people that you would expect to do what I did three years ago as I stepped out in faith to have a business of my own; a business that I think you will come to believe really wasn’t my own. I’ll explain how that all worked out for me, my family and friends in this story…a story of faith, love and trust.

It all started with a simple decision to turn my life over to the care of a God of my own understanding. Since then it’s been quite a journey of transformation and growth beyond my wildest imagination. I’m not here to convince you to believe in my God, or to suggest you step out before you are ready. It’s simply my story.

For as far back as I can remember I used to be afraid of my own shadow. I believed in a God, but really had no relationship at all. Although the effects of the family disease of alcoholism are a big part of my life, it no longer holds me prisoner. I’m not going to go into all the gory details of those effects, or name names or blame, however there is no way you will understand how I got from there to here without the power of the 12 Steps and the recovery program of Al-Anon. My recovery will be mentioned and referred to quite often, as it is a way of life for me now.

Just let it be said that the family disease of alcoholism is not prejudice and it is deadly…cunning, baffling, and powerful…. left untreated. I have great respect for Bill and Lois Wilson who let the God of their understanding bring the 12 Steps to us. Through them, the power in these Steps is beyond my wildest dreams ever.

This is my story, I wanted to shout it from rooftops, but I’m not a shouter, so grab a cup of tea and snuggle up with your favorite afghan and read on! Let me introduce myself….

I am simply…. Sue. …

No more and no less…. just simply a child of God.

PART ONE

CHAPTER 1

FRAZZLED

Frazzled. Yes frazzled, that’s what I am…but if I could just get the house cleaned up, I would feel better. Diapers! Yes diapers! I need to get to the store to get some diapers. Money! Yes money…I need to find some money to put gas in the car to get to the store to buy some diapers. My mind is going a zillion places at once, but don’t worry, I can do it! Oh, the kids, I have to get them fed, and dressed so I could put them in the car to go to the gas station to get some gas, so I could get to the store to get some diapers. Frazzled? YES!! Only on the inside though. I’m still getting things done and the kids are doing well. Everything is good. If only I could just get this house cleaned up…Oh…and me, yes me cleaned up too. I need to comb my hair, brush my teeth and put some clothes on so that I can go to the store to buy some diapers. I’ll search his pockets to see if he has any money left. No problem, I can do this. Oh I hope there’s money left in his pockets.

If only he would get out of bed and help me! Tears! NO tears you big baby! You made this bed now lie in it. (How many times have I heard that? Is that me asking me or an old tape running in my mind to keep me locked in my little life?) Just get your act together and start the day. These kids! These kids…if only they would quite down and cooperate. Why are they laughing and seeming to have so much fun when there was so much to be done! Can’t they just sit and watch TV? Why do they have to pull all those toys out after I spent the whole evening last night cleaning up and organizing them? Don’t they see how hard I work? I better remind them.

OH OH! I hear a truck outside…poof! There goes the electric. Now they can’t watch TV. Oh why didn’t I pay that bill? But wait, I did pay that bill, didn’t I? I thought I gave it to him to drop off. If only he would get out of that bed and help me. Its ok, it’s ok…I can do this. I’ll call and see how much it will be to have the electric turned back on. In the meantime, we’ll use candles and pretend we are having a camp out. Oh my gosh…what’s wrong with the phone?? Well, I’ll worry about that later; right now I have to get cleaned up so that I can go out to the store. Now…where’s my brush? Let’s see, can I just brush this hair down or do I need to wet it…better yet, I can just cut it off…one less thing to think about. Wait…what happened to this mirror? I can’t see myself in it but I’m standing right here, ain’t I? There’s the wall behind me, the bed with him STILL in it. The pictures on the wall…but where am I??? I touch the mirror. It’s real. I look behind me…the pictures are there on the wall, But Where am I?

Mom!! Mom!! She took my _____! No!. It’s mine! I was playing with that!! Waaaa! Mom!! She’s hitting me!! Mom!! It’s my ______, I had it first! Waaa Waaa Waaa…Mom!! He threw the ball and broke your____.. Crash bang crash bang…waaa waaaa…..

Dullness, numbness…. I can’t do this. I just can’t do it…..I’m fading…

Please help me. Please help me.

Mom! I need you, why did you leave me???

Get up out of that Bed and help me now!!

Tears? Are there tears on my face? Let me touch my cheeks and see.

I think it’s wet. Where am I? Who am I??? I just can’t do it anymore.

If only he would get out of that bed and help me. But he doesn’t hear anything. If only he would stop drinking he probably wouldn’t have to sleep so much. I wish I could just take that pillow and…

Ok Kids! I’m coming!

Pssssst, he’s up. Hear that can opening? Genny Lite. No diapers, no electric, no phone…but psssst goes the can. I think there’s a volcano growing inside me. I better get the kids and keep them quiet so we don’t bother him.

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Being frazzled is just one part of a day in the life of living with alcoholism. It’s hard to believe how many days I lived like that. I had no idea that there was a difference between surviving and thriving. I’m not a big person, 5'7, maybe 150 pounds…. but I sure took in a lot of stuff. I had a whole other life going on inside my mind. The life that screamed and yelled and cried and begged… stayed on the inside. On the outside, I tried to keep things looking normal while I waited for someday" when things would change. My body just got so tired out physically and emotionally…just drained. I couldn’t even see my own face in the mirror anymore. I truly lost my own self because I was so wrapped up in outside appearances. My spirituality was nonexistent and I didn’t even know it.

I used to drink too, sometimes for fun, sometimes to be social. It helped me to relax and sometimes to be able to perform. When I started to see that alcohol must be the problem in my life and marriage, I thought if I got rid of that, things would improve. I stopped drinking altogether.

I lived for and through my kids. I hid behind them and in them. I loved my kids more than I loved my own life and thought I was protecting them from something I had no name for. I had no idea that there was another way to live. We had a lot of good times and memories too, but the disease was always there, lurking and taking and just clouding our family. It’s as if Alcoholism emits a gas like a faulty furnace. Nobody can smell it, but it’s there sucking the life out of each living being in the home, taking self-esteem, love, trust and intimacy. Before you know it, everyone is lethargic and not sure if it’s normal to feel the way they do, but too tired out to step up and say, Hey, something’s wrong here!

Then one day there’s a moment of clarity, and it only takes one…. and the light starts to infiltrate the home…. It’s called Hope and when that light appeared, I wasn’t sure where it was taking me, but I was very drawn to it…. Thank God.

I began to hate alcohol. I hated the taste of it, the smell of it and the sound of it opening. I hated what it did to our family. I wanted him to stop. That’s when I saw the difference in our drinking. I still blamed the alcohol, not knowing about the disease behind it.

Frazzled is a story I wrote quite a few years ago. I want you to know where I came from and to let you know that in the disease of alcoholism everyone is affected, not just the drinker. Pouring the alcohol down the drain or removing the drinker does not uproot the disease. Recovery was and is the only way for me and its part of my journey to Main Street. I also want to say that the drinker/alcoholic is not the enemy. The disease also affects them and I have not only learned compassion for the alcoholic but also today I can feel the compassion and respond in a way that is loving and healthy.

I’ve heard some compare Alcoholism to Diabetes, because they are both diseases. Alcoholism is a disease, but the medicine to keep it in remission is not a pill or a shot. There is no quick fix or one time operation…it’s a lifelong commitment; the medicine for Alcoholism…the family disease, is 12 Steps, and willingness to practice the principles in all of our affairs.

My stories are not meant to accuse or blame or hurt anyone. They are my perspective, my opinions and so I want to give enough to let you know the depth of the situation without over dramatizing or causing further hurt to any of my children and family members.

Frazzled happened long before I found recovery so it is a story in retrospect. When I let one of my children read that story a few years back, she took great offense to it saying that she was one of those children. In a way, I was trying to make an amend and show her how crazy I was from the effects of Alcoholism. What I was trying to get across to her was that sometimes the love we have for others does not come out in the way it was intended. When battling the effects of alcoholism, intentions get blurred and thinking gets distorted. The thing is that while I was battling, I didn’t even know it! The disease does not care about the love we have for each other. It just keeps moving in with a silent power that is too much for most of us to deal with especially inside my head….. alone.

That love I had for my children is what got me out of bed most days. I know today that my response to the disease of alcoholism in our home kept me from really being there for my children. I did the best I could. My love fought the disease…mothers love is a formidable opponent, but without the tools I now have in recovery, I came up short many times. I hurt them in ways that left no scar on the outside, but on the inside. Tender loving care and acknowledgement to heal One Day at a Time, is how I make amends today.

In recovery now, I know that frazzled means unmanageable. I know that my life became unmanageable and that I am powerless over alcohol and a lot of other things. In recovery I was introduced to the Spirit within me…. God, who has lived in my heart for my whole life but was blocked by my own exaggerated fear and pride. The relationship I have with God today is the most awesome gift I have ever received. Turning my life over to Him is such a relief and an honor. My life today is so full, it sometimes feels overwhelming. The fullness of my life today is healthy. Sometimes it’s too healthy! I’m learning in recovery how to balance my life and to know with all my heart that I am worthy of the space I take up here on earth. My emotional, physical and spiritual parts are connecting. My image is showing up in the mirror. I’m learning that turning my life over to God and living in His will for my life means taking care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. It means that when I look into the mirror, I see a full well balanced woman who lives her life to the fullest. I have respect for others and myself. I’m loving and living my life. I can have fun, and I can deal with life on life’s terms. I am a Mom, a Grandma, a Sister and a friend. I am a child of God. I have all kinds of emotions and feelings like anger and fear and best of all I have joy in my heart and 12 Steps to live by. I have opinions and ideas. I matter. I can dance. I am artistically talented and I’m left handed and it’s ok. I love to write and I’m simply Sue, glad to be a participant in my own life.

CHAPTER 2

INCH-BY-INCH IS A CINCH?

Christmas time was coming up and I was a big preparer for that holiday. I used to buy all year round and stock pile as much as I could for my children. I wanted to show how much I loved them, and thought more gifts showed more love. I picked out paper for each one and kept everything equal and guarded, or so I thought…sneaky kids! I never wrapped anything until the last minute because I think I wanted to look at it all in their respective piles and see the love in a tangible way, because I just did not know how to feel it. By the time the morning actually arrived, I was so tired out and depressed that I never let myself enjoy watching them open and play with all the gifts. I was going through all the right motions for the right reasons, but still I felt like an outsider. Even though that love was very powerful, it seemed so inaccessible. It was like reaching over a fence. I’m not saying I was a big drag of darkness on Christmas morning, but I always felt like something was missing. I struggled for a long time trying to be happy from the inside using actions or stuff on the outside. It just never worked. I was like the ball in a pinball machine. No matter how many times I hit what I thought would be ‘the target," I always seemed to go down the hole anyways. One Christmas I even took an overdose of pain medication to sleep through emotional pain that I didn’t understand.

One year, I thought I had the perfect gift. The kids would love it! A computer! It was just around the time when computers were really starting to be a need for schoolwork. So I put one on lay away and of course the kids were real excited when they opened it. I figured it would be something they took care of and used, because it all looked too complicated for me. Eventually though, they started calling me over to show me different things you could do with it…games, pen pals and all sorts of interesting information. I was amazed! I still didn’t think I was capable of using it. I would look from a distance and say… Mm-hmm, nice Well you know my kids can be persistent and they kept