Marriage! Why Bother?

By Dorothy Adisa Mulanda

Marriage is constantly changing. From courtship to the death of a spouse, each stage comes with new challenges, and married couples will inevitably face conflicts.

Marriage! Why Bother? describes the challenges married people will face on their journey together and how they can unite their diverse traits to overcome them. Marriage! Why Bother? describes the common problems:
- Between a husband and wife, including a lack of quality time together, communication, sex, and children
- Between married couples and their children, in-laws, servants, and friends
-Faced by widows, widowers, or divorcees at the end of a marriage
Real-life advice and the teachings of the Bible teach married people how to handle each challenge.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Oct 7, 2013
• ISBN: 9781491876411

Book preview

MARRIAGE!

WHY BOTHER?

Dorothy Adisa Mulanda

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AuthorHouse™ UK Ltd.

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403 USA

www.authorhouse.co.uk

Phone: [phone]

© 2013 by Dorothy Adisa Mulanda. All rights reserved.

THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 10/02/2013

ISBN: 978-1-4918-7640-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4918-7639-8 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4918-7641-1 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

CONTENTS

Acknowledgements

Foreword

Preface

Introduction

Chapter one:   The Marriage Union

Chapter two:   The Husband

Chapter three:   The Wife

Chapter four:   Common Marriage Issues

Chapter five:   Relationships

Chapter six:   Bereavement

Conclusion

Notes

To everyone who is fed up with being bothered by marriage issues either directly or indirectly. You have the power to help transform the image of marriage. We may not know everything about marriage, but we know of some things that contribute to the success or failure of marriage. Let us sharpen one another by sharing our knowledge.

To those who are planning to get married. May you learn from others’ mistakes as you read this book. May you be part of the new generation that embraces marriage. Be empowered as you travel towards your dream of peaceful marriage. You have what it takes. Go for it!

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

With special thanks to:

God: for giving the vision and the ability to write this book on marriage. May your power touch men and women and help them to live in their marriages according to your laws.

My husband: Elkana Mulanda, for being my companion. As husband and wife, we have discovered many things through our mistakes. Thank you for loving me, supporting me, and encouraging me to be all I could be. Most of all, I am grateful for your forgiveness, understanding, and guidance. Through patience, we are still on our journey despite stepping on each other’s toes and getting on each other’s nerves at times. Thank you also for your contribution to our on-the-job training as parents.

Our children: Faith, Ismael, and Glory Mulanda. I feel privileged that God has given you to us. We all got it wrong at times, and we learnt from you how to be good parents just as much as you learned from us how to be good children. Although we seem to be enemies when we stand in your way, I’m grateful that you always put our clashes behind and continue our relationship. You are all unique and a treasure. Thank you for supporting me through prayers and encouragement in all that I do. I love you all.

Prayer partners Mary Ogendo, Sophia Gitau, Florah Baraza, Margaret Kalegi, Margaret Nderitu, Mercy Gitonga, Grace Amagove, and Janet Kidaha, for interceding for me as I wrote this book. Thank you for encouragement and your dedication.

Francis Kimaru, for the book cover photograph.

Pastor: Fredrick Muna and his wife, Sister Agnes, of Chrisco Church Kawangware in Nairobi, Kenya; and Pastor Ernest Mwilitsa and his wife, Sister Gladys, of Alpha Church in Nairobi, Kenya. I appreciate your teachings on marriage and family life. I have obeyed your command for us to share what we know with others. I believe if it were not for God and your teachings, my marriage would probably have ended. May God bless you and your Ministries.

Pastor: Ayoo Akinsanya and his wife, Sister Moni, of Deeper Life Church in Liverpool, England. Thank you for being my spiritual parents. I was privileged to learn more about God from you theoretically and practically. Thank you for the sacrifices you made for me and my family. You are my mentors.

Authors Stephen Harvey, Stormie Omartian, John Gray, Robin Skynner, John Cleese, Rob Parsons, Gary Smalley, and Larry Stockstill. Thank you for books on marriage and relationships. Your ideas have enriched this book.

AuthorHouse Publishers and their editorial staff thank you for your editorial contribution and publishing services. Your support and encouragement meant alot to me.

My parents: the late Manoah Obayo and Selina Egehidza. Thank you for bringing me up. Special thanks to my mother for her counselling that inspired me to care about other people.

Siblings: Margaret Kalegi, Robert Obayo and Grace Amagove, the late Emily Muhonja, Aggrey Nzavaye and Julias Ogada. It was a pleasure to grow up together and remain united even in adulthood.

The Kenya Community Association, Ushirika Women, Agape and the Liverpool choir

Thanks for the opportunity to write the ‘word for today’ for the website.

My Christian family of Apostolic Church Liverpool: Pastor John Hemus and Sherri and the entire congregation. Thank you for your prayers, love and support.

Flora Kayeke, Mable Jamoza, Janet Kamadi, the late Joyce, Bilha and Endovelia ; my parents-in-law Elam and Dedan Kibachi. I appreciate your welcoming me into your family, accepting me, and helping me to settle. I appreciate your love and support. I am proud of you all.

My brothers’ wives: The late Judith Nzavaye. You were more than a sister-in-law to us and a daughter to our parents. You loved all our family like your own. Though departed, you will be forever in our memories. Beatrice Obayo, your change has liberated us to love and appreciate you. May you continue to grow in relationships.

My uncle Rev Simeon Obayo and his wife Mary Obayo of Pefa Church Kakamega, Kenya: I appreciate your contribution to my education and Christian foundation. My aunties: Hana, Tabitha, Nora and Leonita: Thank you for your selfless availability in supporting me and my siblings since the death of our parents.

My family and personal friends: You are the pillar of my social relationships. I have learnt a lot from you. Thank you for being there for me at my hour of need.

Apostle Ernest Mwilitsa and Pastor Emmanuel Ilayesa: thank you for reading the manuscript and writing the foreward and back cover comment respectively. Your sacrifice and contribution is priceless.

FOREWORD

Mrs. Dorothy Mulanda is well known to me for quite a long time. We fellowshipped together before she proceeded to UK. What she has written in this Book is a real life experience of her own life or those she has come across. With this wealth of experience, she has seen it well to share with many who would find it helpful for themselves in their marriages, and even those who are aspiring to be married.

Having watched her marriage thrive through the grace of God, I find it quite interesting to know some of the secrets behind that kind of success. Her marriage is a role model to many of us. It is good that she has shared with us the experiences.

When she left Kenya for UK, we thought that would bring many changes in her marriage and even personal life. However, we have found out that she is still maintaining her integrity contrary to many who went abroad and changed drastically.

As she has outlined, marriage is a journey to unfamiliar destination which demands each partners’ positive input throughout. There must be leaving, cleaving and becoming one flesh. This takes a process, but failure to adhere to that exposes marriage to a lot of imbalances. Eventually marriage becomes ‘endurance’ not a partnership. She recommends marriage partners to rely on biblical guidance in order to handle their marriage with knowledge and wisdom.

Husband and wife are inexperienced drivers who will meet many challenges on the way as they travel to the unfamiliar destination. This calls for patience, understanding each other’s weakness and strength, their commitment to each other and God. There must be good communication between them and understanding of each other’s style of communication.

Many mighty men and women of God have collapsed on pulpit, fought in public, stressed or depressed, killed their spouses, deserted their homes etc because what they find in their spouses is not what they expected. Reading this book prayerfully and carefully, will contribute and enable everyone be it those planning to enter into a marriage relationship or those already married to continue their journey with a lot of understanding and hope for the future.

From her outline, marriage is the basic functional unit of a society. When marriage is devastated, the family government becomes weak which affects the church and eventually the State. Therefore this is a strong foundation in all spheres of our lives which needs to be handled with a lot of care. Each spouse must be willing to learn and improve on his or her mistakes.

She has also pointed out five love signs or languages that add flavor to any marriage (Quality time, appreciation, service, gifts and physical touch). One must know which of these love languages becomes strong to the other spouse. Peoples’ preferences are very different and hence understanding your partner matters a lot.

She has balanced her message to include how to handle children, parents, employers, servants, relatives, neighbors, friends, enemies, widows, widowers, bereavement, success, failure, society etc in a Godly way. These are circumstances around us and will always affect or infect us at different stages.

However through wisdom, knowledge, divine guidance and intervention, yes, we all can be able to make a difference within and around us for the glory of God.

Apostle Ernest K. Mwilitsa, Nairobi—Kenya.

PREFACE

The man said,

"This is now bone of my bones

         and flesh of my flesh;

she shall be called ‘woman,’

         for she was taken out of man."

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. (Genesis 2: 23-24)

In these Bible verses, Adam, the first man, talks about his wife, Eve, in the first marriage. This couple did not have parents or other human beings to learn from. They had only the word of God to guide them.

Marriage is a lifetime commitment to living together in all circumstances as husband and wife. I liken it to a journey in this book. In this analogy, all marriages have the common destination of a fulfilling, lasting relationship. However, each marriage is at a different stage in the journey. The husband and wife face the challenge of knowing each other so that they can travel together in agreement.

Imagine that you need to travel to an unfamiliar place. You may be terrified to face challenges along the way. To overcome your fear, you will likely search for information that will help you on your journey, such as directions for how to get to your destination and information about what you might need along the way, what mode of transport might be best, and what language is spoken at the destination. If you are lucky enough to speak to others who have travelled where you are going, the tales of each person’s experience will vary. You could be discouraged by tales of negative experience or encouraged by those of positive experiences. In other words, what happens along the way is a matter of personal opinion and experience shaped by many different factors, some of which your acquaintances might not tell you. As you prepare for the journey, take the time to encourage yourself that you can be among those who face the risks and travel successfully.

Two examples of travel, one from a developing country and one from an already developed country, further illuminate our discussion. In developing countries, travel may still be difficult because of inadequate infrastructure, but in many cases, it has definitely improved. When I was a child, the most common mode of transport was walking. People I knew walked many miles to schools, hospitals and health clinics, marketplaces, and family members’ houses. To get to these destinations, people depended on verbal directions. Since there were no street names to look for, following directions required finding landmarks along the way and understanding the description of the destination. Some journeys were short, but others took many hours. If I was visiting a relative, I was given a description of the relative’s home, the number of houses around it in the compound, and the names of all our shared family members, especially children, for knowing the relative’s children’s names helped me to get where I was going faster. We had no mobile phones, so if I forgot part of the directions, I simply had