So Pretty…. so Many Tears

By Rose Portillo

This book was written out of the feelings and some of the most

sadness out of the depths of my heart and soul. It contains feelings

from different times and many events of my life. So Pretty, So

Many Tears has poems from many different emotions I have felt

throughout my life. Some of the poems that are written in this book

were written when I was 16 years old, although I have been writing

since I was much younger, when I had already been physically and

emotionally abused! Then I lost "The Love Of My Life." I fell in

love with Tony when I was 12 years old. We got together when I

was 16 and then we separated for a few years because of my family.

We got back together when I turned 24 and he was 25 years old. A

couple of days before he turned 27 years old, he passed away; yes,

I lost my love, I lost my life, hence I lost my mind. When I finally

gave my whole self to him and finally stopped worrying about what

my family felt about him. Ever since then I have been truly going through years of so much denial of

his death, self conviction and guilt over what happened and how it happened. I sank into the "Abyss

of my empty soul," and I didn't want to be found because I knew deep inside if I found myself deep

within my secretly wounded heart, I would realize and find out that I lost the only love I had ever had.

He was my only friend and I knew that I would lose my mind if I ever lost him. There was no way

that I wanted to live in this ugly world without him by my side, and I had told him that I would never

be afraid of anything not even the end of the world, so long as he was there by my side even when

the end of the world was occurring. I have been abused most of my life, first by my mother, then by

my older brother, then later on when I got married to someone else other than my true love; I went

through some inner hell tortures as well as physical tortures, with my husband always on drugs, such

as heroine, crystal meth, and crack cocaine; when I didn't even know what all that stuff was or what

it did to someone. Anyhow, the book contains all of my dreadful, melancholic, horrific details of just

how much I had lost my mind. For I truly did lose my mind when Tony left my world. The only thing

I had to stay alive for was my children that I already had and when "The One I Loved" left my world,

I went insane but I didn't even know it, and neither did anyone else for that matter. I really didn't

know how to handle living life without Tony. I needed to learn how to live again not only for myself

but for my children, and the book does indeed hold the deepest fears, tears, and loves in my life. The

book contains so many feelings tears and love and as one person put it, "So Pretty So Many Tears"

when the tears wouldn't stop and how I couldn't stop thinking of and wanting to die! Like I said, I

actually really lost my mind. There are many different poems in this book; some are regarding abuse,

death, love, reincarnation and even living with physical pain as I do now and have been ever since the

year of 2001; it seems as if once the denial stopped and the admission of Tony being dead occurred,

the pain and suffering I had secretly been feeling in my heart and my soul, suddenly spurted out of

me and showe

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Dec 2, 2011
• ISBN: 9781468566420

Rose Portillo

My name is Rose Portillo. I am the mother of 12 children, nine daughters, three sons with now 22 grandchildren. I was born in El Paso, Texas on December 25, 1959. I have five brothers. I grew up in East Los Angeles in the Maravilla Projects. My father was a writer and an artist who became a Technical Illustrator for the Northrop Company in the mid 60s. My father, Albert Portillo, was the main person that inspired my love for writing! I began writing when I was very young and wrote a children's story for a company when I was 19. I grew up in a very controlled and restricted life with five brothers and my parents. My parents were both born here in the United States. My maternal grandfather was from Spain. My paternal grandfather was from France and Mexico. My paternal grandmother was a Native American Apache Indian from Arizona. My maternal grandmother was a Mexican American Indian. I lived in the city of El Monte and attended Mountain View High School. In East Los Angeles, in the sixth grade I wrote, directed, produced and put on two plays for the whole school. At the age of 9 or so, I also played a part on an old television program called Wonderama, which put on a section of it called, "Let's Be Friends." I learned how to read and write when I was four years old. I began reading the bible (not the children's version like they have nowadays) at the age of five. I began writing poems when I was very young. When I was five years old, I began dancing Ballet Folklorico and Flamenco. I became a Professional Flamenco/Ballet Folklorico Dancer in the year of 1976, when I was 16. I formed a dance group in 1995 and then I became injured with a spinal, nerve injury that has me living in daily pain now. I suffer from Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis, as well as other painful conditions that somewhat limit my life. Besides my love for writing, I had a Medical/Legal Transcription Business at the age of 29, was a Paralegal and Medical Assistant in my life at the age of 20 years and 25 years. I remained a dancer until I became ill with the Fibromyalgia and Degenerative Disc Disease, which includes seven disc protrusions and injuries to my spine, but I am always trying to show my children that no matter what happens in your life, nothing should stop you from reaching your dreams, no matter what your dreams may be! So don't ever believe anyone if they say you cannot, because there is no such word to me, because you can!.

Book preview

So Pretty… . 

 So Many Tears 

Minu

US%26UKLogoB%26Wnew.ai

AuthorHouse™

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.authorhouse.com

Phone: [phone]

© 2011 Rose Portillo. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse     04/04/2012

ISBN: 978-1-4567-4587-5 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4685-6642-0 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

DEDICATION

INTRODUCTION

Our Father

Hell Here

Was It You

This Strange Feeling

My Mothers Creed

That Very Moment

This Pain

Remember Me?

Your Spirit Cries

Your Soft Brown Eyes

The Whisper Of His Soul

Poison

The Very Sight Of You

The Very Breath Of You

The Rain

The Sweet Pain

The Tears Of A Clown

The Tale Of Your Crown

Your Secret Truth

Your Leaves Fresh And Green

Sometimes To Find

To The One I Used To Love

Today

Twin Souls

What Happens

What Love Is

When It’s Too Hard

You Left Your World

When You Went Away

Whose Pain Is It Anyway?

Carinioso

You

You Haunting My Soul

You Can Only Try So Much

You Death

You Have Your Meaning

My Mask

I lost… I gained

I Believe

No Thnx

My World Your Lives

The Games The Devil Plays

Your Friends

Love At First Sight

To Say Goodbye

Just A Woman

The Weeping Willow

My Father And You

How Do I Free My Soul

In The Clouds

He Was My Father

Addicted

A Hurt Heart

My Father

You Told Me

Why Did You Leave?

Encircled In Time

I Am Not Of This World

Why Do I Waste My Breath

So Much Hate

What If I’m Not Really Here

There’s A Hole

So Sad

The Stranger

Feeling Lost

He Was Her Sun

Am I Here

Stuck

That Night In Heaven

A Poem For You:

All Too Clear

Ever Since I Can Remember When

I Want To Go To Sleep Now

It’s You Again

Stolen Moments

Sad Sad Darkness

Too Hard

You Touched My Heart

Don’t They Know?

In My Sleep

It’ll Never Be Over For Me

I Ask Of You

Killing You Softly

His Smile

I Lied

Endless Tears

I Feel You

The Pain Found

Death

Amazing Love

Badly

I Want To Meet You Death

A Loving Kiss

Broken Dreams

God’s Will

Forgive Me Lord

I’ve Come

Man and Woman

You Are Here

I Knew You Once

I Remember

I Understand

I Wait Knowingly

In All The Vastness

It Was You

Lifetime Ago

Meant To Be

Music

My Curse

The Sad Darkness

My Destiny

My Love,

My Love God Sent

My Soul

My Tear Stained Pain

My Universe

Only In My Dreams

I See Her

Our Story

Our Story So Long Ago

Please Don’t Ever Leave!

You are My World, My Love My Life.

Reincarnation

Someone Like You

Sometimes, Dear Lord

Still

Struggle Of Love

Sweet Dreams

The Echoes Of His Sin

The Hurt She Gave

The Memory

The Pain Of Our Hearts

The Promise

The Strange Feeling

The Sunset I See

I Ask You

You Were The Sunshine

You Convinced Me

Such Evil

He Hurt Me

What Do You Do?

I Miss Him

I Asked The Lord Why

Wandering That Way

But Only For A Moment

No More Angel

One Man’s Joy

Destiny Of Fates

When Your Leaves Are Fresh And Green

Depression

As I Sat

To Find

Ignorance

This Darkness

Loving Someone

I Know It’s Over

It Happened So Long Ago

How You Make Me Feel

So Evil So Mean So Cruel

Love Deeper

Come Back Home

Could It Possibly Be

As I Sit Here

Don’t You Know

Eirene

How Do I

How I Wish

This Pain Time Cannot Heal

Please Tell God

She Said She Killed You

My Frozen Heart

A Beautiful Angel Boy

Too Little Too Late

My Wildflower-My Lady

One Man

Just An Illusion

Red Is A Rose

A Door

The me I used to be

I am

I Am

O, Chocolate Ice Cream

How I Love You Mom

My Orange Poem

There once was a boy who was rude

Today Is A Good Day For Love

Desiree Grace

Mercy Girl

Pains Of The Heart

My Minu

Eva Marie

Angel Baby

My Funny Face

Cherie Amour

Brilliance Is His Name

Her

Tony, My Son

I Feel Your Warmth

Believing In Yourself

This One’s To You Mom

Thank You God

I Told You

Leave Me Alone

Truth

His Marriage

Deadly Alcohol

Don’t Be Sad

No Response

My Heart Breaks

When I Was A Little Girl

The Day I Died

Loving Death

Love

My Silent Killer

No More Pretending

Saved

My Dearest Peanut

Awful Pain

Si Tu Conociste A Mi Madrina

If You Knew My God Mother

Lilly & Felice;

 (Jaguar & Aimee) 

I’m Not Trying

Since You’ve Been Gone

My Brown Eyes Blue

Our Souls Reaching Heaven

Our Tainted Love

Never Goodbye

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to The Love Of My Life who loved me in such a way that I had never been loved before. He was beautiful to me, he truly loved me unconditionally. For I was once told, When someone doesn’t love you, everything you do is wrong but when someone loves you, nothing you do is wrong!

The Love of My Life, was everything to me, his name was Tony Cota. He died when he was 27 years old. He loved me so much, he never had to ever tell me, I could feel it! When you find True love, or Real love, always remember that it will not be a question for you to ask, whether he or she loves you or not, it will be apparent! You will not have to ask them if they love you, you will feel it so strong that you will tell everyone that he/she loves you! You will want to tell everyone in the world and shout it from the top of the highest mountain! When you feel like that, then you know you have found True Love! So many, many people to this day, wish and hope to find that kind of love, they have never ever felt what it is to be loved this way or have love this way, True Love.

Well, I am so blessed that I have found love this way and although, he left this world and everyday, I still cry so hard even though it’s already been 25 years, I still cry because I miss the other half of me! He was so much apart of me, whether he told me or not, I cannot and still do not want to live without him! Still after all these years, I find it so damn hard when I wake up and I do not see his face. Life for me is so hard still that I couldn’t go with him too! I wish that someone would go find him for me! Please! This is how much I love him! Still! I know that if it had been me that left this world, he would be missing me this much too! I just know it to be true!

All I have to say, because if it is about him I could go on and on about Our Love, but I do have to say that if you ever find True Love like this one, keep it! Do not let go of it! Never let it go from your sight! Do not let anyone get it the middle of it and take it from you because once you find it, there are and will be so many jealous people over your love and will definitely try to hurt it for they will always be jealous of Love that anyone has that is real, because they do not have it.

The poems from the book were written from my heart and there are some poems that were written by my granddaughter Vanessa Rose, along with some poems that were written by my daughters, Desiree Grace and Princess Anna. The poems that were written by them were wonderful to me and I thank them for being so loving and true. The poems that were written by me, some were written when I was 16 years of age, and from that day on, until the days of what is called The Present Day. They are poems from all different types of feelings and there are also different type of styles of poems written, not just one type or style.

INTRODUCTION

LOVE IS

The strongest emotion in the World is Love. It’s strength lies in how it makes one feel and what it can cause one to do. People will die for it—people will kill for it- and most of all—Jesus died for it, was crucified for it, tortured because of it, spit on for it, and hated for it! This kind of Love is Real love, Pure Love, True Love, Unconditional Love, this kind of love comes from God.

GOD’S LOVE—

It takes a lot of a certain kind of love to be able to love someone still after they have deliberately hurt you, spit on you, hit and beat you, hate you, having taken advantage of you and simply by their actions showing that they just do not love you over and over again! Not very many people can still love someone after all of that, let alone even forgive someone for causing so much hurt to them. To forgive someone for that kind of pain caused on you and to still love them is purely straight from GOD - and simply put GOD IS LOVE! To endure this kind of pain in your heart and soul and to still have it in your heart and ability to still love anyone at all that is so hurtful and hateful is such a completely unselfish act and means that you must be full of God’s sort of love. If you have ever had this sort of love then you must realize that God has blessed you with this ability to love this way. For anyone to have this kind of love and to love someone like that is absolutely spiritual, sacred, and a blessing to be in that level in your life because it is very difficult to reach that level in one’s life. For instance; to forgive someone, to be able to forgive anyone that has put you through great hurt, severe pain and such evil torment is very difficult instead of wanting to hurt back and get revenge. It is not very easy for anyone to forgive without trying to hurt back but Jesus did it and God keeps doing it for us.

To Forgive: To Forgive is DIVINE. I have always taught my children to forgive, to have a forgiving heart, to not carry hatred and bitterness in their heart, to give their hurt and anger to God and to let God deal with our pain and suffering and as hard as it was for them, as I have seen my children in their lives now, I can see the growth and maturity in their hearts, I have witnessed their loving hearts with the kind of love that only God can give and have for I know that they all have learned to forgive! It takes someone very special to be able to forgive and really never hold a grudge for hurt being caused against them. God forgives us each and every day—every minute—every second—once we declare that we are sorry for our unforgivable actions, for the hurt that we have caused on others and ourselves, even though maybe we may not have even realized that we have hurt someone else in our lives, but all it takes is for us to just ask him to forgive and there it is, we are forgiven.

I believe sincerely, that all of us, all of you in the theory, thought, principle and/or the reality of that people know not what they do—this is so true about everyone of us! I have realized this even in my own life and I also realize that if I had known what I was actually doing to someone when I have hurt them I know truly that I would not have hurt anyone. Had I really known the result of the hurt and the consequences of my hurting them, I would never had done anything to hurt them! For so often in our lives when we hurt someone so much, the consequences are that we hurt ourselves; therefore if more of us knew what we were really doing to one another, and the consequences of our hurt that we cause even to others really brings, I like to believe that more of us would not cause hurt. This is also what Jesus proclaimed when he asked God to forgive the bad people for what they had done to him; Jesus said, They know not what they do. Most people don’t realize the severe consequences of what actions they take, even so, more so, they do not realize that they can be causing severe damage and changes to even themselves, forever! If we try to remember this about the people that cause us pain and people that we hurt then it might help us to understand that we are all too are ignorant to the fact of what hurt causes for all of us and others and what has really been done and what their hurt did or can do.

Once they become wise to what has been done, again, I truly believe that most of everyone would be sorry for what they have done and/or would really not cause the hurt at all. When you hurt someone so deeply and wrongly, you hurt yourself whether you believe it or not, you will carry guilt with what you do, or with what you did, whether you realize it or not. Guilt will destroy your soul, for guilt can actually kill, it will eat you up inside, it will bring hurt to you and even cause you not want to live anymore, with yourself or with what you have done. Eventually, it will get to you, somehow, someway in your life.

Not very many people have Pure love; Pure love is forgiving someone of hurting you and even killing your spirit—your joy—your good heart, your pure goodness or even trying to kill all of our love inside, especially those that have caused us such great harm and we feel they are responsible for the loss in our lives.

This kind of Pure Love only comes from God—Himself. When you have this kind of love—you know that someone who has done you wrong doesn’t deserve to be forgiven, and in reality none of us who wrong someone deserve to be forgiven at all! By God Himself and the kind of love that comes from God Himself, who forgives without even trying to; when we have Pure Love inside of us and it is in our hearts naturally, when we forgive such as this way, it is not necessarily because we are weak or afraid of anyone, it is only because we do have that kind of love in our hearts; the kind of love that God is purely about. One cannot help himself, one cannot help but forgive for it is in their nature because it is of God’s nature to