Rebel of the Asylum: I Played Their Game My Way

By N.O. Slak

I started working at the age of fourteen. It's not that I planned it that way, because working was the furthest thing from my mind. Like any child, I simply wanted to play with my friends and watch TV. However, my father insisted that I get a job so I would not become a family embarrassment. I delivered newspapers, delivered hay to the rich and snobbish and even worked at a gas station. I had approximately eight different jobs by the time I was twenty.
However, I was always determined. I always worked extremely hard, because I knew no other way. I persevered while living in my car with my favorite dog while working at a hardware store for a year after I quit college. At the age of twenty, I finally found my passion while working for Disney, yet this is the first company where I learned the definition of work ethics and in some cases, the lack thereof by other employees. My career blossomed at Disney through the help of mentors, who were also great leaders. I learned to separate myself from the pack in every endeavor I chose.
Work finds exemplary employees.
Mediocre employees find work.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Oct 17, 2007
• ISBN: 9780595911905

N.O. Slak

N.O. Slak was raised in Hollywood. After escaping that den of iniquity, he traveled throughout forty-three states, and he has no plans to stop poking fun at liberal wing nuts. His mission in life is to make people mad, and laugh and cry, but he does not care in what order.

Book preview

Rebel of the

Asylum

2274.jpg

I played their game my way

How I succeeded in the

workplace

N. O. Slak

iUniverse, Inc.

New York Lincoln Shanghai

Rebel of the Asylum

I played their game my way How I succeeded in the workplace

Copyright © 2007 by N. O. Slak

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any

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The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not

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any responsibility for them.

N. O. Slak is the author ofThe American Nutcracker, Time for some old school

crackin’

www.noslak.com

ISBN: 978-0-595-46901-7 (pbk)

ISBN: 978-0-595-91190-5 (ebk)

Printed in the United States of America

Contents

Acknowledgements

Introduction

McDonalds

Gas station attendant and entrepreneur!

Cooper’s Hardware

Lumber City

K-Mart, Tractor Driver and Lumber City again!

Disney

Airplane Company

Purchasing

Disney, Part II (Disney again and bartending)

WDI Research & Development

Sony Development

Universal Studios

Nonprofit Organization

Hourly Employees

Salaried Employees

Disney Legends

Summation

Acknowledgements 

I would like to dedicate this book to my mentors. Everybody needs a mentor to help pull him or her up out of the bowels of hell to join the ranks of management. I had four mentors in my working career. Bill Doolittle, Jim Williams and Jerry Perryman all worked for Walt Disney. My fourth mentor was Lt. Tom Kearney. The bond that I share with each one of these individuals is the fact they accepted me for who I was, and not for what they wanted me to become. Who wants to be the person in the company that wants to win the politically correct award? I can only imagine the award would be a framed poster of a plunger and a donkey. From my viewpoint, company politicians mirror our elected officials. Most of them are liars, cheaters, womanizers and pageboy wrestlers, so why would anybody entertain the notion of being politically correct in the workplace? I would also like to dedicate this book to my family and my wife, who I adore more than life itself, and yes, she puts up with my sorry butt as well.

Moreover, this book is dedicated to all the men and women who are in our armed forces. Too many people do not give honor or pay tribute to those who earn it. Jonas Salk earned his respect, as well as countless of others who helped forge this nation to become the greatest country in the world. Barry Bonds, Martha Stewart or any other celebrity didn’t do anything great. Well, Martha got a great break in my opinion and I won’t comment about steroids. I don’t need to talk about them, just look at Barry’s big sloping forehead. Perhaps it is a receding hairline, who knows and who cares.

The bottom line remains the same, neither of those two did anything great. They will never be revered as a member of the Holy crap, I couldn’t have survived without them tribe. If it were not for our armed forces, I could not write a book and Barry might not have been able to swing a bat. We are a free nation because of our armed forces. Whether they are veterans ofWWI, WWII, Korea, Vietnam, Desert Storm or the war that rages on with our enemies who believe in 7,000 virgins, we would not be a free nation. My heart goes out to those families who lost a loved one in any of our military conflicts. May God continue to comfort the souls who gave the ultimate.

WWW.semperfidelisamerica.org

and WWW.NVWM.com

are two great websites to visit. They are both nonprofit organizations who help our veterans. If you are ever in Orlando, FL., please visit the National Vietnam War Memorial. It will cause the smart people to put things in their proper perspective.

Introduction 

I want to share my stories in the workplace. The workplace is an asylum, but not in the context of a place of refuge. In my opinion, the workplace transforms some employees with good intentions to become insane drones so they can cope with their mentally twisted executives running their company. Obviously, I was not the only person who thought the leaders of Adelphia were cheaters, I think the jury found them sleazy as well. Enron, Global Crossing and too many airlines to name, went down in flames because of poor management or greedy executives. Some Global Crossing executives were spending money like drunken sailors and the Enron executives could have been the bar- keeps.

I am a rebel in the workplace, because I refused to play their games. My stories describe how I learned to have fun while advancing in the workplace, without compromising my ethics, as I navigated my way through the hourly slackers. Everyone knows the definition of an hourly slacker. These workers, commonly known as clock-watchers, typically have the gait of a snail and wear tongue rings. Moreover, their favorite saying is, Hey, I get paid by the hour. That is what they say, yet because of their tongue rings, you hear, iiHey, I get laid in the shower". Good for you Einstein, I do too. Did I tell you to stop polishing my rims?

The only thing that has changed in my twenty-one years ofbeing in the workforce is the fact that I had to learning how to battle my way past the management slackers and I do mean battle. Some mid to upper management groups use every weapon imaginable to try to prove you wrong if you have common sense and use outside-of-the-box thinking. Yet, their feeble attempt of using emails, memos and perhaps a landmine to provoke an unsolicited attack is silly. As we all know, the smartest win the battle and the war. When I entered my asylums, I was equipped with bomb-sniffing dogs, boomerangs, bolas, throwing-stars and snare traps. I entered my offices every morning by swinging on a rope with one hand, while throwing flash grenades with the other. Why take a chance on losing? I learned to enter my asylum each morning like a Ninja, with the exception of not having to wear that God awful juvenile costume.

I believe some CEOs and their senior staff members suffer from mental illness. Their illnesses appear to be inclusive of, but not limited to, amnesia, Ganser Syndrome, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Paranoid Personality Disorder and one of the several forms of Dementia. This explains why some employees suffer from Trichotillamania, intermittent explosive disorder and oppositional defiant disorder. CEOs and their senior team did not possess these genetic flaws until they obtained their titles because those mental illnesses are sometimes a result from their greediness and egos. Therefore, these individuals will do anything to keep their bonuses, company vehicle and the right to play golf during company time. It would appear that leaders in today’s corporations would pimp their own mother in exchange for stock options.

The only things corporations are missing are CEOs with Tourette’s syndrome and the people seen on the sidewalk talking to themselves while swatting at invisible things. Tourette’s syndrome is acceptable in the boardroom because it is their sanctuary. They need to disguise their normal language because a CEO would cause widespread panic ifhe or she dropped the F-Bomb while talking at the annual shareholder’s meeting or a live press event.

I have worked for large corporations. I worked for two that comprise the Dow Jones and one on the Fortune 500 list of companies. I have worked for companies that are on the NYSE and privately owned as well. To be honest, I do not know which type is worse. If you are not in the right position while working for a privately owned company, which is slumped over your desk on a daily basis, this means you definitely don’t play the political game. Why take a daily pounding? For crying out-loud, you can take that type of abuse in prison, albeit you will not make as much money or have your own desk. Owners of companies can squeeze a nickel into a quarter, continue to have Christmas parties without liquor to cut down costs and your office furniture looks as though Ray Charles built it. Frugal is one thing, but being a stingy tightwad shows lack of ethics as well. Do not get me wrong; I believe in capitalism and making the most money for myself, yet I will not do it from the sweat off the backs of others, secretaries excluded. Hey, harmony in the workplace is what they teach; correct?

I remember applying for my first job. They do not teach you how to interview and what the pecker-heads want to hear when you are a teenager, so it was rough in the beginning. I couldn’t even get a job at McDonalds on my first attempt, but it’s quite obvious that service related companies such as fast-food restaurants, department stores, etc. will hire just about anybody with a pulse these days. You can tell by the lack of service while visiting just about any retail establishment located in a mall. These knuckleheads are about as sharp as bowling balls with no motivation whatsoever. Most of these drooling buffoons do not possess or demonstrate any aptitude to enhance the customer experience. They just want to keep making minimum wage and complain about it. Hey, shut up and bring me another refill of tea, okay?

I was in the tenth grade when I landed my first job. I remember going where my friends did when they got their first miserable hash- slinging job, but for some reason I could not find one. I clearly remember complaining to my dad that I could not find a job, yet I was under pressure to find one. That’s because he told me I had to get one to start paying for my own school clothes and everything else. On one Saturday afternoon, he told me to get in the car with him and he would help me find a job.

He brought my first semester report card that showed I was a straight A student. We went into a couple of grocery stores at first, thinking a bagboy position would have flexible hours and something I couldn’t even screw up. The first two managers of these stores told my dad they had no openings despite him showing them my report card. They seemed to be disinterested and my dad noticed that rather quickly. This was in 1975 and I think my dad was rather appalled that people were not interested in hiring anyone without previous work experience, but had straight A’s on their report card. We lost the battle that day, but eventually ended up winning the war by lowering my standards to an all time low and I started working at the same McDonalds that most of my friends were working in Sylmar, CA.

That stint only lasted one month, because I confronted my manager about him picking food off the ground. Never pick up food off the ground, the manager always screamed, until I saw that little worm pick up a rack of Big Mac buns that he just dropped on the floor. I confronted him about it, and the rest was history. Why would he keep anybody that was not afraid to speak his or her mind? I never deviated from that philosophy since the first episode of telling my superior they were wrong. I realized at that point, it is okay to speak your mind. I also realized that it spared me from continuing to work in that agonizing profession. Slinging burgers to a group of dysfunctional teenagers should never be the goal of anybody unless they’ve just been released from prison. It is a win-win situation, because the convict receives a job and why would they want to steal a Big Mac? Just make sure they don’t run the register.

This book contains true stories that happened to me in the workplace. These are stories that most readers can identify with, because most of us had similar experiences. After all, only the names of the companies and managers change. These are my stories on how I survived in those asylums.

It’s okay if you choose not to play the game at work. I never did. The only game I played was my own. The problem with rising through the ranks is trying to fit in with the other members of your tribe. If you expose one of them for what they really are, you will take a kick to the groin. There are more hidden agendas than Rosie has rolls, but that’s what you discover as you advance in the workplace. If everybody played the game by having an enforced full disclosure policy; the workplace would have an even playing field.

There are two types of bosses. There are leaders and managers. A leader has the ability to get his or her employees to follow them. A dynamic leader builds their team by instilling trust and fairness. My definition of a vibrant and skillful leader is someone you would follow in a combat zone. A manager only has the ability to manage. Whom would you follow into war? If you had to make a choice, would you follow Donald Trump or Rosie O’Donnell? That should shut one of them up and friendly fire would silence the other. For those of you who would pick Rosie and she gave you instructions to follow her over a hill, I bet it’s a cliff, because the other component that is required to be a leader is knowing what the hell they are doing.

Information is power, but the abuse of information is more powerful. Knowledge is powerful in the workplace, but the abuse of knowledge, better known as the hidden agenda is lethal. I’m successful in the fact that I played their game my way.

Time, place and experience make up our ethic, or moral compass. Work ethics are debatable in the sense that nobody is squeaky clean. Everybody in the workplace should be held accountable in the same style and manner that is outlined by the company’s policies. If the leaders of companies are going to ram policies down the throats of their employees, it is their onus to make sure everybody; including the pin- heads that made the rules, receive the same disciplinary action if they break the same rules. Vendor gifts are inexcusable in my opinion, yet this practice of buying loyalty probably happens more often than Paris Hilton makes home movies.

In order to liven up the workplace and keep the senior staff members accountable, I think they should adopt a full disclosure policy. It is true most of us know someone who is ethically unfit in the workplace, but if companies enacted a full disclosure policy that applies to everyone, not only would it be hilarious, but it would also prevent any implosions. Why should hourly employees continue to suffer at the expense of mentally deficient officers of the company? Can you imagine the following scenario? What if a V.P. claims he or she was at work one day, but everybody knows they were in fact not there. I suggest this little worm must explain their whereabouts to the hourly employees. The offender has to sit in a chair with a bright light shining in their eyes. I can imagine the following event and subsequent rapid series of questions taking place.

Hourly Employee: Sir, we noticed you were not at work today, but the Payroll Department heaved you in front of the bus by stating you did not request a sick or vacation day. Where were you on April 12?

V.P.: This is preposterous. Call my secretary! She will attest that I was at work.

Hourly Employee: I am your secretary sir and I do not recall that you were in your office on April 12.

V.P.: Uh, I entered through the back stairwell and you were on the phone. After I entered my office, I kept my door closed all day. I swear I was in my office.

Hourly Employee: Did you park in your normal parking spot sir?

V.P.: Of course I did!

Hourly Employee: The Security Department also heaved you in front of the bus sir. They claim there was no sign of your car parked in your stall all day in addition you never came into view of the cameras located on the back stairwell.

V.P.: What date did you say? Did you say April 12?

Hourly Employee: That is correct Sir.

V.P.: I must have my dates confused. I believe I was attending an off-site meeting with a very important vendor that day.

Hourly Employee: Which vendor was that sir?

V.P.: I met with a new janitorial company. This building is not meeting my expectations of cleanliness."

Hourly Employee: Slowly put down your cell phone and provide us with the name of the company sir.

V.P.: Uh, did you ask for the name of the company?

Hourly Employee: Yes sir I did. I would also like to know whom you met with at this company. Again, put down your cell phone sir.

V.P.: "I met with Napei-Ho. He is the owner of Vracuums."

Hourly Employee: Somebody get Mr. Ho on the phone.

V.P.: The beads of sweat would be falling off the V.P. as though he just finished having a Mexican dinner with Mike Tyson’s girlfriend as Iron Mike entered the restaurant. He calmly announces, Okay, I can’t take this anymore. I was golfing with two of the other vice presidents. Would you like their names?

Hourly Employee: That is not necessary sir, because we already found them guilty of lying as well. It is not nice to throw your own tribe members in front of the bus. Furthermore, it was your policy to make sure management documents all of the hourly employees’ attendance. Under your direction, management is supposed to counsel, coach or punish employees who do not adhere to the attendance policy that you implemented. The hourly employees have reached the conclusion that your act of stupidity will result in a final written warning. We have opted to bypass the verbal and written warning. Only stupid people could act so brazen and show a complete disregard of the company attendance policy. The next course of disciplinary action will be termination ass-wipe. Do you understand?

V.P.: I am so sorry and I hope you find it in your hearts to give me another chance.

Hourly Employee: You are not Bill Clinton. You will not receive anymore chances.

Why can’t this scenario be real? Companies certainly can’t have hourly employees grilling the senior staff; otherwise, there would be total chaos in the workplace. That’s why most companies don’t allow free liquor at their Christmas parties. Can you imagine all of the hourly employees hammered? Most mid to upper management employees play it safe by only having a few glasses of wine. This prevents them from guzzling the beer straight from the tap as if they had a flashback from one of their frat parties. However, because of their age, most hourly employees are not fully cooked. Can you imagine if a company as large as Federal Express handed out free liquor to all of their hourly employees at their Christmas parties? Naturally, this would not apply to their pilots, but giving a bar-code scanner to a person with a hangover is akin to giving a monkey a razor blade. The package destined for Grandma in Kalamazoo has a good chance of arriving in Kazakhstan. Therefore, the rules of full disclosure cannot apply to everything. That is why most companies tell their employees that liability issues prevent them from serving free booze. Can anybody imagine all of the hourly employees tanked-up at Wal-Mart? Now that would be worth the price of admission to watch. I can only imagine that most of these employees don’t even know where Kazakhstan is located, let alone spell it.

If management labels me as a rebel, then so be it. My integrity will never diminish and I will always have my sanity. And although I never made a million dollars or received a stock-option package that many of us seek, I am confident that I played the game the right way. That is what makes me successful.

I am a rebel with a cause.

McDonalds 

As stated earlier, my first job was at McDonalds. At the time, I thought what McDonalds could possibly ask anyone during an interview that would cause them not to get a job if they were hiring. I listed two friends who were working there at that time on the application. Naturally, one would think this should be good enough to land a job flipping burgers for minimum wage. Nevertheless, the manager asked me to remember what toppings went on each burger before I could receive the job. Huh? I was 15 ¡ in 1975 when I landed the job, but I thought this was just plain ridiculous. Reciting something is one thing, but execution is another. What ifI only had one eye and no thumbs? Furthermore, I can recite the different materials required to build a house, but I can’t build one.

I had to recite