The Complete Wise Guy

By Don Anthony

In 1982 "Don Anthony" wrote about how to be a wise guy and the boss of wise guys. Most of his teachings still hold up in today's world. There's a wealth of information about the underworld life in this short book. Moreover, Don Anthony's ironic and cynical style of telling about life as the head of an O.C. outfit makes this book both entertaining and amusing. The reader will have lots of laughs.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Oct 11, 2017
• ISBN: 9781387288663

Book preview

The Complete Wise Guy

The Complete Wise Guy

By

Don Anthony

(edited by R.Maj)

Copyright © 1983 by Don Anthony

All rights reserved.  This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or scholarly journal.

First printing 1983 by LiRo Publications

Cover drawing by Ed Dunn

ISBN: 978-1-387-28866-3

Preface

Most of the below acts, if committed by any person, are certainly violations of state and/or federal statutes.  Committing such acts could result in imprisonment.  Far worse, others could get one killed.  Consequently, the author is in no manner advocating that any person commit any of the crimes discussed herein.  Au contraire, be nice!

The below pages, then, are nothing more than parody.  But we’re sure the wealth of information contained herein will arm the reader with enough knowledge so they won’t become a victim of these crimes.  And that is the sole reason for this booklet.

RM

1.  The Wise Guy

So, you’re thinking of becoming a wise guy?  Well, let me tell you, it ain’t easy being a wise guy.  You’ll have nothing but headaches all the time.  And some day you might even get a real headache.  A lot of my associates got real headaches, God rest their souls.

But who’s here to discourage?  You want me to take on the preposterous task of training someone to become a big wise guy.  You want to go down in history as one of the most shrewdest wise guys, so you can be remembered fondly for generations to come.  Okay, I can understand that: I can dig where you’re coming from, as these young turks like to say.  See, I’m one of these wise guys you want to be like.  Everybody loves me.  My wife loves me.  My kids love me. My made guys love me.  Even the cops love me.  Because I’m a real lovable guy.

I’m also a rich guy (which, I’m sure, you want to be).  I’ve got money all over the place.  There’s hardly anything you buy in a day that I don’t get an end from:  food, cigarettes, booze, diapers, and what have you.  When you go to a restaurant or nightclub in my city, I get a piece of the action.  When you take your kids to the zoo, those guys selling hot dogs and balloons?  They’re my guys.  Get your car washed on Sunday mornings?  That’s me.  Looking to rent office space in the skyscraper downtown?  Yep, me and a few associates.  That road you drive on to your crummy little job every morning?  Guess who laid the foundation (besides Ernie and his partner, Joey Boy, who are the foundation)?  Matter of fact, when you wipe yourself, you’re probably using my tissue.  So, you see, I’ve got more money than I know what to do with.

And that’s another headache.  It ain’t easy being so rich.  It takes me away from what I like doing best.  When I was up-and-coming, I could take care of business in my turf without no other worries.  But now that I’ve become rich, me and my attorney-at-law are all over the world.  Now I’ve got an ulcer worrying about those crazy Arabs, the London gold market, whether the Russians’ crop is going to be bad this year, or whether or not the president will sign a trade treaty with China—so my sons will have something to look forward to.  Hell, they’ve got to make their bones somewhere, right?

I’ve also got something else: power.  Now there’s different kinds of power.  For example, there’s the power rich people have, because their money can bend wills.  But not all the time.  Then there’s political power, which I’m sure most of your guys (and wise ladies) already know about.  But see, my power’s different.  I’ve got money power and political power, but I’ve also got the best kind of power:  the power of life and death.  I can say who lives and who dies.  Like if I happened to see you reading the advertisement for this book and you didn’t cut out the ad and mail it in, why I could just have you knocked off and mixed with a bag of cement.  Now that’s POWER.  I don’t need to pass a law to knock you off.  I don’t have to consult the legislature.  I don’t have to worry about my political image.  I just make a phone call and you’re knocked off.  Hell, I’m so powerful I could knock off Johnny Carson and take over his spot.  And I’ll bet you’ll laugh when I do the monologue.

Or else.

Maybe you think I’m kidding?  But those who want to be wise guys, they know better.  Just rolls the words of that last paragraph around on your lips a few times—or else.  Or else is a mean motorscooter.  Or else inspires people.  I could throw away those 55-gallon drums of money I have buried around the world, then refill them the next day on the power alone of or else.  Me and a couple of boys come driving up to someone’s house with an empty barrel and say, fill it up for us, or else … you think our barrel is going to be empty very long?  If it is, I know someone’s house will shortly be found in Nigeria.  Then I knock on the neighbor’s door and present my barrel, saying I heard they wished to have their house relocated to the Andes?  One look at that vacant lot next door gets my barrel filled quick-like.

That’s what real power is all about.  Some wise guys—like me—have that kind