Life is a Series of Jokes

By Sammy Lee Gott

Life is a Series of Jokes

This is a story of all the things that happen to a man from pre-birth to age 75 This book covers the events that a man has no control over but which affects his life and what direction his life goes. These twists and turns in life are very humorous and are accentuated by hundreds of jokes that fit the situations.

Sammy Lee Gott has been a son, brother, husband, father, soldier, and all around good guy for the last 75 years. During his life's journey, he has learned the power of humor. This is a collection of his personal story and jokes.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Sammy Lee Gott
• Release date: Mar 26, 2018
• ISBN: 9781370138210

Sammy Lee Gott

Author Sammy Lee Gott is a devoted brother, husband, and father. He's a veteran and a survivor of a dysfunctional family. He's an all around good guy with some great words of wisdom to share with the world.

Book preview

My wife Jan has always been my biggest inspiration. The woman has an eye and disposition to enjoy humor in every form. I know that this is the main reason that we have been together for over forty years. For without humor, she would never have been able to put up with me.

I took life way too seriously. Thank God for sending me Jan so that I could see the humor in my life. Her laughter to me is like honey to a bear.

I want to thank all my friends and acquaintances for sending me humorous jokes and information. I saved them all and a lot of them are in this book. Those funny emails through the years lit up my life and kept me sane. I also want to thank my father–in–law K.B. Johnson (he is in heaven now), for the huge collection of jokes he left my wife, Jan. K.B. served in the US Air Force for over 30 years. He was a navigator on a bomber in WWII and a fighter pilot in both the Korean and Vietnam Wars. He had saved jokes his military buddies had given him over a fifty–year period. Some of these jokes are also in this book.

Introduction

I wanted to write a book about all the wonderful and terrible things that happen as one lives to be old. We are born, educated, get married, have children, grow old, retire and die. We have no control over where we are born nor what color or sex we are. Life never goes in the direction we plan or think it should. Forces move our life that we have no control over. As long as we have humor and God, we will recognize just how funny life is and we will get through it with some amount of dignity.

My intent is not to offend anyone (although that is hard to do nowadays) but to point out some of the good, bad, and humiliating situations this male went through in his lifetime. I can assure you that I did not see the humor in most of the situations as I lived through them.

I have tried to match jokes, stories and informational pieces with the narrative.

Table of Contents

Life is a Series of Jokes

Acknowledgements

Introduction

Contents

I. Being Born

Pregnancy

We Don’t Have a Choice

In the Womb

Birthing

Circumcision

Just for Fun

II. Adolescence

I Have Certain Instincts

Why Can’t I Cry?

Realizing That Girls Were Missing Something

Learning to Fight

How to Make Friends?

Just for Fun

III. School

Female Teachers

Toilets & Showers

Games Played

Always a Female Point of View

Just for Fun

IV. Noticing Girls

Puberty

They Talk a Lot

They Seem So Happy All the Time

Makeup and Stuff

Dating

Just for Fun

V. Manhood

What is a Man?

Who Do I Use As An Example?

The Sex Urge

The Military

Just for Fun

VI. Marriage

The Wedding

The Marriage Contract

Children

Just for Fun

VII. Getting Older

My Hair Grows Best in My Nose and Ears

Everything Sags – Wrinkles

Just for Fun

VIII. The Golden Years

With My Wife 24/7

Children/Grandchildren

You’re Right, I Can’t Hear You

Why Do I Still Have to Pay School Taxes?

If My Wife or Phone are Gone – So Is My Memory

Just for Fun

I. Being Born

PREGNANCY

My mother had four children, one set of twins and two others. I was the youngest, so by the time I came along she was well practiced in the art of giving birth. Some common questions asked about getting and being pregnant follow:

Are birth control pills deductible?

–Only if they don’t work.

I am two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

–With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear–end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?

–Yes, your bladder.

What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?

–Childbirth.

My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she is irrational.

–So, what is your question?

How long is the average woman in labor?

–Whatever she says, divided by two.

Does labor cause hemorrhoids?

–Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?

–Before you see teeth marks.

What is the difference between a nine–month pregnant woman and a model?

–Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what is good for him.

Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

–When the kids are in college.

When choosing a name for your baby, go to the back door and shout it out a few times.

We Don’t Have a Choice

When one thinks about it, we are all at a disadvantage in our beginning because we do not get to choose to be white, black, yellow, or any other color. We do not get to choose what part of the world we are born in or what sex we will be. It would be nice to be able to pick a rich family over a poor one, but that is not our choice either. The language we speak and the customs we will have to live by are not our choice either. The genes of our parents mold us. One study has proven that the sperm of your father could decide if you are going to be lean or obese. In other words, God sends us to be born and expects us to do the best we can with the situation we are in. We will either work hard to adapt, learn, and succeed in life or we will be a chronic complainer and always blame someone or something for the problems we have in life. Sounds like a lot of fun to me.

In the Womb

No, I cannot remember being in the womb, but I can imagine. It seems to me that it would be a nice, warm, safe and loving place to realize that you are becoming a person. If during this time I could think and reason, I might ponder some things that were happening to me while there.

What is this thing between my legs? My goodness, I am a boy. This is great, there are 105 boys born for every 100 girls. God must need more boys in the world. At age 65, there are only 70 men to every 100 women. I can’t wait to learn why.

My mother and father were chain smokers. My parents each smoked two packs of cigarettes a day. They had no idea what this might do to me. The tobacco companies fought tooth and nail to keep information away from the public concerning the health effects of smoking. The smoke my mother inhaled and the second–hand smoke of my father fed numerous poison gases and nicotine through my blood stream. This lowered the amount of oxygen I received and increased my heart rate. It increased my risks of developing respiratory problems in future years.

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

The bus driver announces that smoking is prohibited and punishable by a fine of several hundred dollars. Suddenly a baby starts crying. Come on kid, the bus driver said, you are only 6 months old, you can make it without a cigarette.

What is the result of smoking too much? Coffin.

Overheard, You know lady, you don’t actually smoke. The cigarette does all the smoking, you are just the sucker.

Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can’t find your cigarettes.

About three to four times a week while in this nice, warm, cozy, and safe womb I found myself hiccuping and dizzy. What in the world was this all about? Both my parents were alcoholics. My mother did not realize that when she drank alcohol, so did I. Of course 75 years ago the medical profession did not know that a mother drinking alcohol while pregnant could lead to the baby having serious health problems as they grew up, like vision and hearing problems, intellectual disabilities, learning and behavioral problems. Give me a break, I am just trying to grow and get out of this dark place. I can’t control all of these bad things that are happening to me.

What is amazing is that I developed a heart murmur as a baby and had it until I was 15 years old. As I grew older, I developed hearing problems and my eyesight got bad. The medical profession had to put nine stents in my heart and