When Love Doesn't Start At Home: Surviving a Dysfunctional Family

By Sammy Lee Gott

It was hard being one of four boys growing up in the 1940s in a dysfunctional family. Throw in alcoholic parents, a hot tempered pure-bred American Indian mother, a father running secret missions for the military, and three wild brothers and you got a mix of family craziness.

This is a beautiful and engaging book about surviving and prospering after growing up in a dysfunctional family. It is told by a man who is a brother, husband, father, veteran, and overall good guy who has a lot of life lessons to share with the world.

Author Sammy Lee Gott shares an emotional and raw telling of events tempered with insightful moments that shaped the way he sees the world today. This book is about his life journeys. From poor to financially well off. From emotional broken to loved and centered. From a feeling of self doubt to one of self worth. From a non-spiritual beginning to finding Christ. From not knowing what good parents are to raising independent and well adjusted children that have a sense of what family is really about.

This book will make you think. It will also make you cry.

The book talks about all aspects of life - what it was like moving around so much, a lack of schooling (because they kept moving), early childhood years when the boys thought no one understood or loved them, relationships with women, finding Christ, relationships with their children, work, military service, and growing older.

Most books about dysfunctional families spend most of the pages defining what one is, not showing you the emotional scars. Most authors of books involving dysfunctional families write about resenting the world, they want to explain why they are the way they are, or they want to spread negativism in their book. Not this one. You see the growth, the hope, and the resolution. Sammy Lee Gott demonstrates his forgiveness and his ability to have moved on.

Absolutely beautiful.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Sammy Lee Gott
• Release date: Jun 22, 2017
• ISBN: 9780998186627

Sammy Lee Gott

Author Sammy Lee Gott is a devoted brother, husband, and father. He's a veteran and a survivor of a dysfunctional family. He's an all around good guy with some great words of wisdom to share with the world.

Book preview

Acknowledgments

This dysfunctional family I grew up in screwed me up as a person. When I look back, I see that all along the way, God sent people into my life to help me become a better person. My father, a drunk, taught me integrity and gave me a work ethic. My mother, Jessie, although mentally ill, gave us the virtues of cleanliness and persistency.

My time in boy’s homes brought many people who cared about and for me. These people and surroundings gave me insight into what normal was.

Charlie and Lenora, my first mother– and father–in–law, were caring people who took me under their wings and gave me shelter and understanding. Their daughter, Bernice, tried to love me and show me how to love.

B.D. Hoover, who was my mentor and friend in the US Navy, showed me what friendship should look like. Not only did he care about me, but he also worked very hard to educate me and help me succeed.

My wife, Jan, gave me love and understanding throughout the thirty–nine years we have been together. She really raised five children: Keith, Gary, Clifford, Kaylee, and me. In every prayer, I thank God first for this wonderful gift called Janet Kay Gott. It seems to me that God equipped Jan with all the traits that I lacked. She has patience; she is gentle, caring, and beautiful from the inside out. I fell in love with her and learned how to love through her.

Jan’s mother, Frances, showed me what motherhood should look like. Jan’s father, Keith, taught me how to walk life’s paths without complaining or belittling anyone.

Mark Toone, my friend and pastor, led me to Christ and the forgiveness of my sins. Through the grace that God gives, I was finally able to forgive my parents for the abuse they inflected.

My friends, Mike Wire, Bruce Anderson, and John Papke, show me how much they care even though we are two thousand miles apart. If I became ill and called them at 2:00 a.m., I know that they would be by my bedside the next day.

My sons, Keith Allen, Gary Lee, and Clifford Allen, and my daughter, Kaylee Frances, know how very much I love them and have forgiven all my parental mistakes.

Introduction

My wife, Janet, says that she comes from a normal, loving family, and mine was not normal. I believe, unfortunately, that my dysfunctional family is the norm and hers is abnormal. I know that is terrible to say, but in my experience, I believe it to be true.

This book tries to portray the damage done to children who are abused and the problems abuse causes throughout their lives. My brother Gerald and I found that we could best express our feelings in poems, and so I have mixed them with narration. I believe in these poems, one will see the stress, hurt, and lack of love that we felt as children, along with the panic attacks we still endure as adults.

My hope is that this book will give a voice to all the abused children in the world and through it bring about some change. When all is said and done, our most important job in this world is to love and nurture our children. Through them, our future is bright.

Part One

What Is Dysfunctional?

Chapter 1

I Am a Survivor

Sadness of a Dysfunctional Family

Children affected in a negative way, unable to keep panic attacks at bay. Going through life very insecure, their relationships in disarray. The scars of their childhood stretch into the future, as if the sad events happened today.

Physical blows or shoves are no way for parents to show their love. Physical abuse is never good for anyone trying to navigate childhood. When we are children, we think our parents can do no wrong, and years of abuse do not make us strong. A child tries in many ways to halt the assaults, but in the end, he believes they are his fault.

Oh my God, what have I done to make my parents treat me like this? My love for them persists; all I want is a hug and a kiss.

I will do anything to make amends. Please tell me what I have done that offends.

You can’t do anything right; just get out of my sight. These hurting words should never be spoken; they cause a child to grow up broken. Emotional abuse is the greatest tool of a dysfunctional family, because the scars cannot be seen, but the cutting of our spirits is as if done by a guillotine.

The effects of dysfunction in a family can go down many generations. The sadness has been going on since creation. Unless someone steps up and breaks the cycle, there is no salvation.

Sam Gott

What Is Normal?

What is a normal family? This is a question that has always haunted me. Is the question answered by looking at your family tree? Does answering this question require a high degree?

What is required to build a super–family or sub–family? I am sure the magic ingredient for a super–family, we all could not agree. For we all have had different experiences, you see.

The definition of normal has many degrees; what is normal to you may not be normal to me. The problem with being in a sub–family is this: there is not a lot of heavenly bliss.

Of all the ingredients I think are essential to a normal family, most important are God, Bible, and I love you.

Through knowing God’s love for us, we have a gauge of what love is all about, and love gives our families a proven route.

Sam Gott

I am not an expert on dysfunctional families. I only speak of the family my brothers and I grew up in. I know that in my dysfunctional family, conflict, neglect, and physical and emotional abuse occurred on a regular basis. Our parents were both alcoholics, and I believe my mother was mentally ill. My mother and father were married four times and divorced each other three times. They could not live with or without each other. They would get drunk and physically and verbally fight every week.

My older brother Earle was verbally abused because he was the oldest and should know better. Most times, neither of us could figure out what he should have known.

My mother always belittled us with the infamous words, You can’t do anything right. We really had no established rules; instead, discipline was based on emotions and family politics. I cannot remember one instance when either of us received praise for anything we did. My mother was paranoid and believed the world and her family were against her.

Under dysfunctional family, Wikipedia contains this information: Children growing up in a dysfunctional family adopt different roles. My brother Gerry assumed the role of the lost child. He was always inconspicuous and quiet, and his needs were usually ignored or hidden. My brother Earle adopted the good child role. He assumed the parental role. I adopted the caretaker role. I took responsibility for the emotional well being of my family.

I know that all my life, I have had feelings of low self–esteem. My judgment of myself and others is very critical. Personal criticism intimidates me and makes me feel anxious. I have always had difficulty with intimate relationships and feelings of insecurity. I do not trust people until they prove themselves worthy. I need to be in control, and I overreact to change.

Chapter Two

My Grandparents, Parents, and Siblings

Some of this information was told, and some I witnessed. I do not know if the part that was relayed to me is true or false, so take it with a grain of salt.