Ramblings of a Gutter Queen

By Jessica Barber

Have you ever shared a story with family, or friends about your life and have them rolling on the floor with tears of laughter? I have, many times. Most of my stories contain large amounts of humour, small traces of tragedy, and a pinch of grossness.

It is not often that a person will admit to having used a takeaway coffee cup as a makeshift toilet, in the car, while in gear, because their excretory system was too impatient to wait for the real deal. I don't know many people who have been mauled by a kitten and survived to tell their story. It is not everyday that you catch your mom walking down a busy intersection with five cats, in a continental pillow case, on her back, on her way to the vet. I am almost sure that I am the only human to have beaten herself with a hosepipe in a desperate attempt to stop a dog fight.

If the above paragraph does not pique your interest as to what my entire memoir could possibly be about, then I suggest you put this book down now.

What makes this memoir extra special is the fact that it is written by a person who suffers with bipolar disorder, not to mention all the other exotic mental illnesses that I have. As a "Bipolarian", I do believe that my memoirs will allow other people to feel better about their lives, even if only for a moment.
This memoir is honest and real. In a world where such values are hard to find, this book is not ashamed to share my most awesome memories with you. I hope you enjoy it.

WARNING!!!
This book contains explicit language & sarcasm. Read at own risk.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jessica Barber
• Release date: Aug 24, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370525942

Jessica Barber

I am a 34 year old, moody, impatient Taurean woman. I have been diagnosed with more mental illnesses than I can remember, and my morning dose of medication is equivalent to a full English breakfast. I am a wife to one husband and mother of two gorgeous girls. My family is my life. I like things done my way, most of the time. My friends reckon I have an awesome sense of humour. I love sarcasm and swearing. My excuse for my foul mouth is that I have no filter, and before my brain can register what my mouth is going to say, the word just slips off of my tongue. I end up being just as surprised by what I have said as everyone else is. I am honest to a point where some might say I am rude and/or blunt. I love exercising, keeping fit and eating food. My favourite colour is blue, I love tattoos, if my husband would allow me to, I would be covered in ink. I believe in unicorns and the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (I am still waiting for my acceptance letter, just thinking that maybe the owl, who was supposed to deliver my letter, died en route to my home). I love the smell of coconut oil and vanilla pods. I really hate stupid people. I absolutely love Vicks Vapour Rub, I have a jar in every room in our house and one in my car. Vicks cures everything and anything! I enjoy writing, watching movies, reading and hiking. I am actually a fantastic, marvellously, well-rounded human being. I pity those who don't know me and therefore can't bask in my awesomeness. That’s me in a bombshell.

Book preview

RAMBLINGS OF A GUTTER QUEEN

Copyright 2017 Jessica Barber

Published by Jessica Barber at Smashwords

Smashwords Edition License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your enjoyment only, then please return to Smashwords.com or your favorite retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

CONTENTS

Acknowledgements

Characters in My Memoir

Chapter 1 DOCTORS AND HOSPITALS

Chapter 2 ADVENTURES WITH ANIMALS

Chapter 3 DANCING WITH A DRUNK

Chapter 4 POLITICS AND RELIGION

Chapter 5 MOTHERHOOD

Chapter 6 PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES

Chapter 7 ENTERTAINMENT

Chapter 8 DIETING AND GROOMING

Chapter 9 RANDOM NONSENSE

Chapter 10 MY BUCKET LIST

Author's Notes

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

To my husband, you are my rock, the love of my life and biggest fan. I love you with every molecule that I am. Thank you for loving me for me, and never expecting me to change who I am. I know that no one would have been able to put up with my unstable, erratic and varied mood swings, except for you. I also want to thank you for never judging me or saying, It is all in your mind and for understanding that I need to be on medication in order to lead as ‘normal’ a life as possible.

To my firstborn, Nevaeh, I never truly believed that God existed until I held you in my arms. Thank you for being such an overwhelming energy in my life. Without you, my life would be grey. You are my sunshine, bubbles, and out of the box-thinking, rainbow-child.

To my lastborn, Tatum – you are a perfect example of how unique we all are. I love your strong personality. Don’t change for anyone. Thank you for challenging me every day. You are the littlest and naughtiest love of my life. I see so much of myself in you. You are determined, stubborn and a natural born leader. Your smile is contagious and your sense of humour is brilliant. Always be you.

To my dad, thank you for allowing me to leave your bag. I love you very much and could not have wished for a better father. Thanks for your advice and support throughout my years. Thank you for trying to make me a better person by encouraging me not to swear as much as I do. I hope that one day you will succeed in your relentless and pointless mission.

To my mom, even though our relationship is strained, your blood runs through my veins and you will always be my mother for as long long as I live. Unfortunately certain life decisions and circumstances have ruined our relationship; however I will never forget how much you loved all four of us. Like a proud lioness with her cubs, ready to kill anyone who dared to hurt us. Also, without you and my dad having coitus, none of these stories would be here on paper.

To my sisters, who are my best friends on earth. Thank you for all your love and support over the years, I appreciate you more than you will ever know. Thank you for all our childhood memories, the good, the bad and the damn near tragic! I hope to continue making many more memories with you all until the day I die. I’m praying that I go first, because burying one of you was enough, and it is not the natural order of things. Just know that I am proud of the young women and excellent mothers you have both become. Love you always.

My friends, you know who you are… Thanks for all the late night chats, the shoulders to cry on, and the voices of reason and for always believing in me. Thank you for loving me just the way I am. I know that I am a difficult bitch sometimes and some of my mental issues have rubbed off on you, but I will always have your backs and be totally honest with you.

Last but not least, my loving granny, grandpa and brother. I hope you are all in heaven looking down on my family and me with pride in your hearts and smiles on your faces. Granny, you are probably dying all over again knowing that I am airing my dirty laundry for all to read. You were such a private person, but you are not here to reprimand me in your loving way. Gramps, I can almost hear you now,

My girl, you can't write that down!

You could never find a single fault in me, because in your loving eyes I was the perfect grandchild. Brent, you are going to have to re-live some gross moments with me. That is your punishment for leaving me too soon. Words can’t describe how much we all love and miss you guys. I know that we will all be re-united when it is our time, but until then know that you are with us every day.

CHARACTERS IN MY MEMOIR

Before I share my life with you I would like to introduce you to some of the characters in this book. I need you to get a little background history before you delve deeper into this memoir. So without dragging the introductions out, here is my family in a nutshell, or should I say more like a bombshell.

JESSICA – A.K.A - ME

I am a 34 year old, moody, impatient Taurean woman. I like things done my way, most of the time. I only cry when I am not on any meds, which means I have not shed a single tear in over four years, I am lying, emotional romance movies, when my children do something amazing and the ‘Cat Whisperer Lady's’ magical liquid all make me cry. You will read more about those voodoo drops somewhere in this book. I love sarcasm and swearing. My husband reckons I use the word ‘fuck’ like a comma; I have to agree with him, when I hear other women swearing I cringe. Double standards or what? My excuse for my foul mouth is that I have no filter, and before my brain can register what my mouth is going to say, the word just slips off my tongue, like the mineral, liquid mercury, would slide effortlessly off your hand without even trying. I end up being just as surprised by what I have said as everyone else is. My family is my life. I am honest to a point where some might say I am rude and/or blunt. I love exercising, keeping fit and food. My favourite colour is blue, I love tattoos and if my husband would allow me to, I would be covered in ink. Not my whole body, just maybe one arm, a tattoo of the Deathly Hallows symbol at the back of my neck, and a semi colon behind my ear. He reckons that they are ‘tramp stamps’, I only have two tattoos, and I think I rock them both. I believe in unicorns and the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (I am still waiting for my acceptance letter, just thinking that maybe the owl, who was supposed to deliver my letter, died en route to my home). I love the smell of coconut oil and vanilla pods. I really hate stupid people. I absolutely love Vicks Vapour Rub; I have a jar in every room of our house and one in my car. Vicks cures everything and anything, from a blocked nose, to a viral foot fungus. I enjoy writing, watching movies, reading and hiking. I am actually a fantastic, marvellously, well-rounded human being. I pity those who don't know me and therefore can't bask in my awesomeness. I also love hanging my dirty panties out on the washing line for everyone to read. I have no secrets, no shame and certainly no regrets. Every now and then I share a life experience with my family and friends on my Facebook page, and each post I have shared so far, someone has asked me to write a book or suggested I start a blog. I am by no means trying to blow smoke up my own arse, if you don’t believe me go and have a look for yourself. When you search for ‘Jessica Barber’ on Facebook, just look for the most attractive woman on that list, which just so happens to be me. My response to these requests is usually a sarcastic remark or a very vague answer. I am not really sure the world is interested in me or in what has happened in my life so far. After all is said and done, who the fuck am I really? I am not a famous celebrity who collects babies from exotic third world countries as a hobby, I have not invented anything that will help mankind move forward, I am not a doctor who saves lives every day, I am just a woman who happens to still be alive and coping with whatever life decides to throw my way. I am just me! Weird and wonderful things have happened to me from time to time. The million dollar question is; is it good enough and interesting enough to be published and shared with the world? Not that the whole world will be buying this book, just you so far. And this makes me truly grateful. You might not be the world, but you are another person in it who knows me on an intimate level and that would make us instant friends! You are welcome.

I wanted to write a journal-type entry kind of book, but some, of my memories I am willing to share, are from a much younger me and I don’t enjoy making up bullshit dates. So, after much thinking I decided to categorise my life events. I hope that these stories you read about me and my family, my friends, and my life, will, if anything, at least put a smile on your face. Some of these stories will seem fictional, but I can solemnly promise you that everything you are about to read is indeed 100% factual and really happened to me. The only thing that may be made up is the exact dialogue; because I can’t remember what I had for lunch today , let alone what I said word for word fifteen years ago! My short term memory is shockingly shitty; my neurosis suggests that it could be the beginnings of Alzheimer’s. Hopefully you will be able to relate to some of these tales, maybe I will even be able to give you hope. Hope in knowing that you are not alone and that there is someone out there with just as much or even more shit and odd-ballness than you. I would like to reach a varied audience, from people suffering with mental illnesses, to people with fucked up families and crazy childhood experiences, to people who enjoy sarcasm and swearing. To all the people who love the smell of coconut and vanilla, to the people who are serious Harry Potter nerds and believe in magic, and who are still desperately waiting for their Hogwarts letter. To the people who would sell a vital organ just to ride a unicorn, to the people struggling with weight issues, to anyone with a great sense of humour and in need of a quick and easy read. In essence, anyone above the age of 18 should be able to read and enjoy this book of my memoirs.

WARNING!!! This book is not in chronological order as I have compartmentalised my memories. Not only does this soothe the OCD in me, however my ADD works better when I keep it interesting. So you will jump into a 2002 story and then I will drag your ass back to a 1994 memory so fast you might get dizzy with confusion. This will also give you a tiny taste of what it feels like inside the brain of a person with ADD!

I would also like to give you brief descriptions of the mental illnesses I have so that you are not reading all these big words or acronyms and feeling stupid about not knowing exactly what they are.

Here are the definitions according to MedicineNet.com:

ADD (attention deficit disorder): ADHD is a common condition that affects children and adolescents, while ADD is more common in adults. ADHD is the most commonly diagnosed mental disorder of children and is more common in boys than in girls. Children with ADHD generally have greater problems paying attention or concentrating. They can't seem to follow directions and are easily bored or frustrated with tasks. They also tend to move constantly and are impulsive, not stopping to think before they act.

Anxiety Disorder: A chronic condition characterized by an excessive and persistent sense of apprehension, with physical symptoms such as sweating, palpitations, and feelings of stress. Treatments include the comfort offered by understanding the condition, avoiding or desensitizing exacerbating situations, and medications.

Bipolar Disorder: A mood disorder sometimes called manic-depressive illness or manic-depression that characteristically involves cycles of depression and elation/mania. Sometimes the mood switches from high to low and back again are dramatic and rapid, but more often they are gradual and slow, and intervals of normal mood may occur between the high (manic) and low (depressive) phases of the condition. The symptoms of both the depressive and manic cycles may be severe and often lead to impaired functioning.

Misophonia: A rare disorder in which certain sounds provoke extreme reactions of dislike or hatred in the affected individual. An example of mild misophonia is an aversion to the sound of fingernails scraping a blackboard. When the condition is more severe, the offending sound can produce rage, disgust, panic, hatred, suicidal thoughts, or a desire to flee. It is more common in females than in males and usually begins around ages 9-13. The exact cause is not understood. Treatments can include psychotherapy, certain antidepressant medications, and hearing aid-like devices that create distracting sounds.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: A psychiatric disorder characterized by obsessive thoughts and compulsive actions, such as cleaning, checking, counting, or hoarding. Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), one of the anxiety disorders, is a potentially disabling condition that can persist throughout a person's life. The individual who suffers from OCD becomes trapped in a pattern of repetitive thoughts and behaviours that are senseless and distressing but extremely difficult to overcome. OCD occurs in a spectrum from mild to severe, but if severe and left untreated, can destroy a person's capacity to function at work, at school, or even in the home.

Bearing in mind I have all five of these awesomely wonderful mental disorders, my life is an interesting and colourful one (especially if I decide to spice things up by not taking my pills for the day, the week or maybe even the month!).

IMOGEN

The second born sibling, the fiery red headed Pit bull, our very own ‘Ginger-Ninja’ and ‘Curry-Kop’, both cute nicknames she got growing up. I was scared of her as a child, because Imogen was stronger than me, and if I pissed her off she would physically beat the crap out of me. Her favourite place to punch me was right in my growing boobies. This really hurt, because she punched like a grown man. Every time she punched me in my chest I was convinced that she had triggered the cancer gene. I cried to my mom, and I begged Imogen to punch me anywhere but there. She is also the gifted sibling, unlike Roche, who is the retard of our lot. Imo has a photographic memory, mathematics comes easy to her and she is super intelligent. She is socially awkward though so I guess the saying, ‘You can’t have your cake and eat it’ applies to her. Imo is very sporty and excels in everything she does. I was, and still am very proud of this freckled freak. She is also an amazing artist. My sister can paint, mosaic, draw, colour, cut and glue anything she puts her mind to! She has an exceptional talent, but like many artists, their talents are hardly recognized until they die. Imogen and I are also very close, she is my best friend and I share everything with her. It is just a pity that she lives six hours away from me! She is married to a good man, an intelligent one too, he is a professor at a university and gives lectures on words I can’t even pronounce and things I don’t, and probably never will, understand. They have two beautiful children, my kind and gentle nephew and my shit-face niece. Her daughter is a red-headed beast. Like mother, like daughter! I can see that little bitch giving my sister many grey hairs to come! Imogen used to be mentally stable until recently; when she started having anxiety attacks. Before her anxiety attacks, she could not understand me and all of my mental issues and was very quick to judge. She also thought that I was looking for attention every time I was down in the dumps or feeling suicidal. In a sick way I am glad she has this disorder, because now she will be able to relate to me better and not be so quick to judge me. On the other hand I do feel for her, because I know what it feels like, and I would not wish a mental disorder of any kind on anyone. Unfortunately when God was handing out these crazy genes, He went to town on our family. My youngest sister, Roche, still seems stable enough. Let us watch this space; maybe she is too dumb to realize that she is also mentally ill.

ROCHE

Roche, also known as Shakes, Shaky or Sista Mine, is my youngest sister and also the dumbest of my siblings. Despite this small flaw, Roche is the happiest person I know. Her smile is contagious, her happiness exudes out of every single pore in her body and you can’t help but feed off her positive energy. I don’t know how she always manages to see the silver lining, no matter how dire the situation. Nothing gets this girl down. She has a hard life and deserves so much more. She is also the driving force behind this book, always nagging me to write it and always believing in me. Roche is a beautiful soul, kind, caring and sincere. I will definitely be splitting the profits of this book with her, that’s if there are any to split. Shaky introduced me to J.K. Rowling and the magical world of Harry Potter. I was pregnant with Nevaeh in 2006 when most of the Harry Potter novels were published, except for ‘The Deathly Hallows’, and my sister begged me for months to read the series. I remember clearly saying to her, I am not a child and I don’t believe in magic, witches or wizards, so please Shakes don’t try and force me to read something so childish. I am so thankful she was such a persistent and annoying flea. I fell in love after the first page and practically begged her for the rest of the books. The Potter series is not just a story about wands, spells and magic. While reading this book I learnt about the power of a mother’s love, true friendships, bravery, loss, pain, greed, power, hate and depression. Ten years later and I am still in love with the series as well as being one of the biggest Harry Potter nerds you will meet. I would love to be able to create such a fantastical world one day in my imagination and then transfer that magic into a book. To me reading a book is not only relaxing but the best way to escape from reality now and then. Roche and I have similar tastes in what we read, so if she tells me to read a book, I will read that book. Roche is my baby sister and I love her with all my heart. I can’t picture her ever having sex, so to block out any visually, disturbing images, I tell myself that she is like unicellular creatures, which are asexual and just reproduce without the need for a penis, semen or ejaculation. They just duplicate themselves when necessary. In my head she has never had sex and is like the Virgin Mary. She has three beautiful children, two boys and a girl. All three of them are amazing kids; I am truly a very blessed aunty. Her oldest son reminds me a little of Dexter, the serial killer in the series of the same name. I have warned her to sleep with one eye open, because I am almost 99% certain he will murder her in her sleep one day. Other than that he is an intelligent and pleasant enough chap. Her second born is a little diva and a very cute bitch. She loves getting her nails painted and, telling me that she doesn’t like me anymore. Her youngest baby is still very new. I call him 'Mole-Man', because he was born with a little, flappy mole on his cheek. It has fallen off, but this cute nickname will stay. She is so good at this reproducing thing that I try not to have too much physical contact with her in case it is contagious. I have so many amazing stories I would love to share with you all about my little sister, so I will choose my favourites for now.

BRENT

My baby brother was the last-born brat in our sibling club. He was a blue-eyed, blonde-haired boy. He would have been the perfect example of what Hitler expected the Aryan race to look like, isn’t it weird that old Hitler himself had dark hair and brown eyes? Why did no one question that?