Making It On My Own

By Marlene

Life for Shay Johnson was a party. She was doing her thing- young, black, gifted, working part-time, going to college and making do in a small apartment in Buffalo, NY. She was on top of her game, and there was nothing you could tell her, she was it! Shay had everything under control until she met Chico, a suave, handsome Spanish gentleman that swept her off her feet and took her heart. It wasn’t too long before Shay was completely under his spell.

Everything was going great until Chico’s past comes to disrupt their paradise. As quick as Shay rose to love, she fell hard and fast leaving her at her lowest. Finding herself in the street with no way to feed her son and a baby on a way, Shay now has some hard decisions to make.

Good friends are hard to come by, and Huey is her prince charming in disguise ready to take her away from life's harsh reality. What happens when Shay finds love in an unexpected place? Will she continue to deny herself a chance to love again because of the drama she went through with Chico, or will she open up to a chance at starting over? The struggle of a young girl finding her way to womanhood, and the sacrifices you take to get there are all on the pages of Making It On My Own...because at the end of the day you can only truly depend on yourself.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Marlene
• Release date: Mar 6, 2012
• ISBN: 9780985485603

Marlene

Marlene is the author of several title. Her titles include, Making it on my own, Babies daddies, Island Beauty, Lookin' for a lover... and her newest release Jamaican Gal.

Book preview

Introduction

Hey. What’s up? My name is Shay Lenora Johnson, but you can just call me Shay. No need for any formalities, since I’m about to let you all up in my business. Anyway I am a single mother of a beautiful little boy, with another on the way and right now I feel like life is intent on literally trying to kick my butt. I’m down right now. Down and almost out, and if it weren’t for my kids I would be the woman on the ledge getting ready to end it all, saying my farewells and plummeting to the concrete sidewalk below. Once you have kids though, suicide is no longer an option. People are always saying, ‘Life’s a Bitch and then you die’. For all those concerned, I’m a bigger Bitch and so I refuse to die.

For the time being I am an unwilling resident of New York City. Actually, to be considered a resident aren’t you supposed to have an actual address? That I definitely do not have. That’s why at this very moment I am standing in line at an assessment center for the homeless. Yep, I said I’m homeless, like a mofo. Not a pot to piss in, nor a window to throw it out of. Not a kitchen to cook in or a bedroom to fuck in. Nada!

How did I get here you might be asking? Well I’ve been asking myself that very question. Friends and stupidity are my two culprits. Friends… What a frigging joke that is. There ain’t no such thing. And if there is such a thing as true friendship, I haven’t come across it yet. I’m feeling so stupid right now, that I probably spelled the word wrong. But let me start from the beginning, and maybe we will all learn something in the end. Including my stupid ass.

You know this entire situation all began with a man, right? Well how could it not? But don’t worry; I’m not going off on a man-hating tangent. There will be no calling together the meeting of the man-hating club. Okay, okay, but that’s how I’m feeling so it is what it is.

In their defense, a man can only do to you as much as you let him. Point blank. Like if he’s fucking your best friend and you’re with him, that shit is on you! If he ain’t got no job and you’re willing to support his broke ass, that’s on you. If he ain’t waxing that ass the right way and your lips are squeezed shut like you accidentally applied some super glue instead of lip-gloss, that’s on you. If he’s been promising to marrying your ass soon, and you have been together since DeBarge was actually a hit group, that fucking shit is on you. If you don’t like the shit, then stop taking it lying down, get your ass up and get to stepping.

Now that I have gotten so far off the subject, I say we call this meeting adjourned and let me get back to the story about me.

So anyway, this shit all began when… You know what, let’s start this on a clean sheet of paper. Turn the page. Stop talking back and turn the damn page. Okay, please turn the damn page.

Chapter One

(How it all started)

So here I am living in Buffalo, New York. I was happy because although my grades were always on the edge of going downhill, yet here I was getting ready to start Buffalo State College. I hadn’t even considered college.

I was just trying to make it through school and get my high school diploma. My counselor was always giving me the ‘just try your best’ speech. I was trying my best not to let on that the only reason I kept appearing in his office was to ogle his fine, fine Puerto Rican ass.

Hey papi, Toqueme! Touch me baby, any damn where you want to, is what I wanted to scream out, but I maintained a professional attitude in his presence.

So you know, I would go into his office, take the seat closest to his and stare into his pool of milk chocolate eyes. Sniffing the Nautica scent enveloping his medium built, caramel colored skin, black wavy hair and daring myself to just blurt out, Can I be the Nautica that clings to your body?

Hell, truth be told I really wanted to be his naughty girl and get a good spanking across his always immaculately neat desk. Okay, I never let on that I was feeling him like that though. But he was cool as hell and when he suggested that I applied to some colleges, I thought what the hell? I can’t miss anything I never had.

I was surprised when I was accepted to Buff State. Quick as hell, I was to accept their offer. No take back! Charlene, who has been my best friend, since we met in first grade, was not too happy for me in the beginning though. She wanted me to stay in the Bronx and get a place together like we always talked about. Yeah I felt bad about going back on my word to her, but this was an opportunity I just could not pass up. But she was my girl, and in the end she was very supportive.

So this is how I came to be, living in Porter Hall. Living with a roommate no less. Now I’m going to let you know from jump, I am not a people person. I like to be alone. Hell I look forward to it. So when I got stuck with this sophomore country bumpkin, I wanted to tear out my hair.

It would have been fine if she were able to take a hint and leave me the hell alone, but nooooo. That shit would have been too easy. Can we be friends? Let’s be friends. I want to be your best friend. The more I ignored her the more she kept bothering me. See right there, stupid me. Maybe if I had given her a taste of her own medicine she might have left me alone.

Or even better, put that chick in a serious headlock and smack her silly to show her that I meant business. But here I was in college trying to better myself so I tried my best to do the adult thing and kept my feelings to myself… for as long as I could anyway.

I wasn’t an early riser so all my classes began after ten in the morning and even that was too early. Emily, on the other hand, was Ms. Perky, perky early in the morning. She was up at six o’clock going through her morning ritual of getting ready for her seven o’clock class. She would get out of bed and like clockwork always stub her toe on her bed or footlocker.

Shit, shit. Ouch, she would whisper as she hobbled out the room. I wanted to say to her, ‘Ain’t that the same foot you hit yesterday? I’m surprised you got any toes left,’ but I ain’t no morning person so I simply rolled over and went back to sleep.

I would get about forty minutes of uninterrupted sleep while she took her shower and plastered on her make-up. Then she would come back into the room and walk into the desk corner or the open closet. Shit, shit, damn that hurts, she would whisper again hobbling over to her bed. Can you tell already that this chick is a major klutz? I would hear her finish dressing, and then I’d wait. It’s coming.

So I’m waiting for her to do it. The one thing I asked her repeatedly not to do every damn morning in the room while I was trying to sleep. And here it is. So now I’m coughing wishing like hell I had a gas mask. She has drenched herself with some damn Liz Claiborne fragrance. I couldn’t tell you which one because they all smell the same to me.

Emily how many fucking times do I gotta ask you not to spray that shit in here while I’m trying to sleep? I screamed at her getting up and sliding the window open. After sticking my head out and drawing in a few much needed cleansing breaths, I turn towards her.

Shay, you do not have to curse at me like that.

Emily, apparently I do because I keep asking you not to do that and you keep doing it.

I’m sorry. I will try to remember next time, she sobs, grabbing her books and slamming out the door.

I went through this every fucking morning. Stupid me, again. I know this will happen every morning, so why don’t I switch to some morning classes? I know I will be up anyway.

That is how it went for the semester. I even got a Walkman to deter her constant attempts at conversations. You know that shit didn’t work. I knew that she would return to our room around five o’clock every day, so I would put on my headphone and pretend to be listening to music and studying. Didn’t work.

Shay you want to go to dinner with me? she asked standing at the door.

I can hear her but I pretend that I can’t. Bobbing my head for good measurement.

She walks over and taps my shoulder, Hey, Shay you want to walk over to the Student Union with me?

Huh? I asked real loud before taking off the phones. Playing the part well. What did you say?

I wanted to know if you want to go to dinner with me?

Oh no girl. I had a huge sub for lunch. I’m not hungry yet.

Okay then. I’ll probably grab something and bring it back. See you later.

For the love of God, please eat at the Union, before you come back. Or else I knew I was going to be subjected to her grazing on some funky smelling salad loaded up with red onion. One night I came in and she had thrown out the remainder of her dinner in the room garbage, even though we talked about disposing that shit in the lounge’s garbage. Even after I tied that bag up and took it out, the smell had taken on a life of its own and visited us for over two days.

Every day grazing on greens and her ass was twice my size. Don’t get me wrong; she was about five six, medium built with pale ass skin, full of freckles and long reddish brown hair. Basically she was a white girl with an overstuffed trunk that most sisters didn’t even haul around. But seriously her ass had its own zip code. What she really needed to do was have an assectomy and get back to eating some real food. What a frigging waste!

Besides, I knew that later on my ass was going to walk down to the Twin Towers and indulge on some hot wings and a large glass of Loganberry juice. For Emily that was a no-no and she would be making faces throughout the whole meal, which I would ignore while I got my eat on. Her menu of choice was a large salad and diet Coke, or sometimes she would go all out and get a hummus pocket with extra bean sprouts from the ‘Fitness Corner’. Shit if I had a ride, my ass would be over at LaNova’s pizzeria chowing down every night.

Emily and I lasted for all of one whole semester. In the end we both had to admit that this was not working out for either of us. Emily ended up rooming with this other female she met in her economics class. My next roommate was this girl Holly. Weave down to the crack of her ass and played herself like she really thought she was named after Holly Robinson-Peete. She seemed cool for the first couple of days until her bitchy friends just kept opening the door and walking in the room like they lived there. No knocking, no ready or not here I come or nothing.

Now if that wasn’t bad enough, she was here for less than a week. Claimed not to have a boyfriend and had to have me walk in on her riding some nigga one night like they was at the fucking racetrack, and just about to cross the finish line too. Well my bad. Can you warn a sister next time? Put a hair scrunchie or a sign on the door.

I’m in here fucking this nigga that I probably don’t know his last name. Damn all to AIDS and the claps, but I need to get my groove on. Please knock before entering, unless you are from some porn industry, which in that case I want my mother fucking fair share. Would that have been too much to ask for her to tape to the door? At least then I wouldn’t have walked in on the peep show.

Now the guy was at least trying to cover his shit up and all this chick did was reach behind, scratch her, ass and say, Damn you back already. Can you please give us another hour or so?

I almost laughed because what I spied with my little eye was a dick doing the shriveling disappearing act. There was no way she was going to get an hour out of that.

I decided after that night that I really needed to get an apartment off campus if I wanted to keep my sanity.

Chapter Two

So that’s what I did. I saved every penny and lint in my pocket and got a small studio over on Ferry Ave near Utica Street. It wasn’t the best area but it was my spot. Instead of going on a spending spree at the Galleria Mall like all the financial aid people did once they got their part of the refund money back, I banked that shit. I got a job over at Bell’s supermarket after classes and on weekends. Rent and bills were killing my ass, but I liked the idea of my own place. Since I worked in the market I would shop every two weeks when I got my paycheck, and only buy sale items. I was eating more chicken than KFC was frying. Quartered chicken legs were the cheapest things. When I was at work, I would eat courtesy of Bell’s. Now you know it’s not stealing if you eat all you can inside the store, right? Now once you walked out the door with said unpaid item, you are wrong. Unless you did that shit the proper way. Which way are you asking?

Now, the majority of the cashiers were females and we were all scraping to make ends meet. Most of them had kids at home. So of course when we rang each other up, it was by the every other item deal. Get it? You ring up only every other item. Now the two dollars pack of chicken was rung, but not that seven dollars package of London broil. The dollar bag of chips, ring, but not that three dollars jar of French onion dip to help those dry ass chips go down. Get my drift?

Now you had to be careful who you played the every other item game with. I did say that I worked in a store full of females right? Sheisty ass, backstabbing sisters at that. You know how that shit goes. Oh Sheila you want to check my man out when he came to pick me up. Oh manager, I think Sheila didn’t pay for all her items. Bye bye Sheila. Oh you want to narc that I had my friend punch me in cause I was running late. Oh Bertha girl, no. Now Bertha got caught with five containers of Breyer’s ice cream stashed away in her locker. Now you had to know that Bertha was being set up. The girl still got over four hours of her shift left. Hello melted mess. Ain’t nobody that damn stupid. But still bye bye Bertha.

Now me, I was everybody’s friend and I didn’t look at nobody’s man. My eyes stayed on my cash register. If you want to introduce me to your man that’s cool, but my eyes are still on the register. I just reach my hand back like a blind bitch. Let that nigga do the looking to reach and shake. Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t into females either, and you know there was some lesbos up in the mix, so I definitely didn’t look at any female too hard either.

I was keeping my mind on my money and my grades, but you know that a nigga has a way of worming his ass into the mix even when you try to keep them out. All I was doing was trying to get my ass to work on time. So like any other Thursday after classes, I got on the Amherst 32 bus, paid my fare, sat down and got ready to take this long ass, boring ride.

Excuse me Mami, you got the time? the voice asked.

Excuse me? Oh why the hell did I even turn my head? He smiled that drop your panties smile. And I was ready to get up and slip them shits right off.

I was wondering if you had the time on you?

I glanced down at my black-strapped Casio. It’s twenty minutes to five.

Gracias. The word rolled off his tongue like Michelle Kwan doing a triple axel. Smooth as hell.

De nada, I replied.

Oh Mami, you can talk the talk? he asked with a perfectly white even teeth smile.

Un poco. I was playing myself. This was as far as one year of Spanish at I.S. 135 got me. Anything else and I would have to run for my libro de espanol.

Now you know he had to take it that extra mile and say some shit I didn’t even get a word of. Usted tiene los labios más hermosos yo visto jamás.

For all I know he could have said my ass smelled like I was a week behind my bath schedule and that my funky ass breath was curling his nose hairs. All I heard was, my tongue can roll an R from here to next week and it would sound and feel even better if I was saying it to your crotch. He smiled again.

What did you just say? I asked him.

I was just saying you have very beautiful lips.

Yeah right. I smiled in spite of myself.

So that was how we began. He and I continued to exchange some more pleasantries until he came to his stop. His name was Chico. He asked me for the digits, I told him no, but I would take his. He gave them to me even though he claimed he didn’t think I was going to call. I told him I guess it would be a real surprise if I did.

I waited a week for good measure before I called him up. A lady answered the phone. I had to ask if he was still at home with moms. He told me he was staying with his aunt for a minute while he looked for a place of his own. I don’t usually fool with a guy if he doesn’t have his own spot, but I decided to give him a chance anyway. I invited him over to hang at my spot. He came over looking good as hell. He had stopped by the video store and got a couple of movies.

When he got to my place, he asked if I was hungry, I told him yes and he offered to run across the street and grab us a pizza. When he got back we got comfortable on the floor of my living room, (I did say that sistah was broke-so I had my sofa on lay-a-way) and watched Bad Boys II. Of course I laughed my ass off. Anything with Martin Lawrence was side splittingly funny. Then being hooked up with Will Smith, you couldn’t go wrong.

We were having a good ole time. He was playing the gentleman role quite well. Even though I caught him staring at my ass a few times. True that there was a lot of junk in my trunk. I pretended as though I didn’t know he was checking me out. No doubt I was getting my looks in too. He was about five nine, light brown skin and tight curly black hair. His body was slim, but built with some nice cuts. Yes, I could see that through his black short sleeve button down shirt and black jeans.

After the movie was over we got to talking about ourselves. You know the getting to know each other part of the evening. He told me that he was a cook at this diner I had never been to before. He was hoping one day to own one of those restaurants that required you to actually have a reservation. I him told that I was studying Criminal Justice at Buff State and might go into law later on. I was still trying to figure out my career move.

He told me that he didn’t have any kids and just got out of a crazy relationship. I told him that I have been single for the last year now after catching my ex-man with his ex. He told me that he thought my ex-man was a punk and he would never go backward, when he could go forward. I told him that I didn’t need anyone trying to run game on me, just try to be as honest as possible. He told me that that was a reasonable request.

The evening went really well. I could tell by the way he kept sitting close to me and kept accidentally brushing up against me that he was feeling me. The fact that I didn’t move away and kept brushing against him too was not lost on him. There was definitely some serious chemistry going on between us, but I was in no rush to move too fast and he didn’t push, which I really liked.

Around eleven o’clock, he told me that he wasn’t going to keep me up all night, but really enjoyed our time spent.

I felt the same way, and told him just that. He seemed nice so far, and in my book nice was pretty damn good. At the door he kissed my cheek and asked me to give him a call when I had some free time to spend with him.

The next day at work during break time I was on the phone with Chico giggling and acting the fool. We planned to hook up after I got off at ten o’clock that night. He promised to take me to see the new Denzel movie, Man on Fire.

After the movies he took me home. He wasn’t pushing anything so we took the bus to the movies and he brought me home in a cab. I thought that he was going to try to push up on me, but he asked the cab to wait, kissed me on the cheek at the door and told me that he would give me a call the next day. I ain’t going to lie, for a girl that has been on dick withdrawal for over a year, this guy’s idea of playing it cool was creaming my panties like you wouldn’t believe.

The next day I was at my register ringing items and thinking about Chico. The day was kinda dragging and I was in need of a little excitement. I wanted him to be that for me.

Excuse me ma’am but you already rang up that can of corn, the lady snapped at me, bringing me out of my daydream.

I’m very sorry about that. Let me void that off for you, I told her, making an effort to pay attention although Chico was still on my mind. She gave me her money for her groceries and walked off before I could even open my drawer. It was the exact amount though, so I snatched her receipt out of the machine and placed it on the side, just in case she came back.

Um, these are the hot dogs that are on sale, right? Asked the next customer on line. She was holding up a pack of Amour hot dogs.

Yes, ma’am. Seventy-nine cents a pack, I informed her. I made a mental note to grab some of those bad boys up on my way out tonight. As a young child and to this day, hot dogs and beans has always been one of my favorite meals.

Is your name Shay? she asked looking at my nametag.

Yes it is.

Do you know Chico? Chico Ramos?

Yes. I’m not a paranoid person, but I didn’t like where this was going, but I wasn’t going to lie.

Okay, you must be the person that called my house. I’m his wife.

His wife? I responded in disbelief. I couldn’t believe he lied to me, and was suddenly glad I didn’t give him none.

My mind did a sudden halt like someone stepping on their car brakes trying to stop from having an accident. I did a pause from scanning her grocery and looked up at this big-boned dark skinned lady. I didn’t have a clue how to proceed. She didn’t give me a chance to.

You don’t recognize my voice? We spoke a couple of times. He was telling me how the two of you were working on his restaurant idea. He says you are some kind of cook.

Cook? I could barely boil water without burning that. I didn’t correct her. I just let her ramble on about her husband, until I finished packing her shit up and she skipped her happy ass out of my face. Someone was about to get their ass sliced and diced, and you can guess who.

I couldn’t wait for him to call. I had been home for a half an hour and I was just itching for the phone to ring so I could curse his lying ass out. Ten minutes later instead of my phone ringing, someone was leaning on my doorbell.

Hi Mami, how you feeling tonight, bonita? he asked with an ever dazzling smile.

I’m doing just fine, but the real question is how is your wife doing tonight?

My wife? he stuttered.

Yeah, the wifey? The one you forgot to mention you had.

Hey Shay, it’s not even like that. I didn’t lie to you, Mami. I told you that I was just getting out of a crazy relationship and--

And you are still living with her? I asked getting angrier by the minute.

I’m staying with my aunt-in-law to be exact and she is there too. We are not together. Technically we are separated and I am in the process of trying to get a divorce.

Well technically Chico, you can kiss my ass. I don’t deal with married men of any kind. I was really hurt that he tried to play me like that. I mean if the situation was really on the up and up, then why didn’t he just put it all on the table from the get go? Past experiences already told me that if you start a relationship with lying it would continue that way. As much as I liked this guy, my gut instinct was telling me to walk away.

Come on now, Mami. I know I messed up, but I really like you. Besides me and her are completely over.

Well she and I have something in common, because you and I are also completely over. Now get the fuck away from my doorway!

Slamming my door, Chico was already forgotten before the latch touched.

Chapter Three

I got my mind back on my money and my grades. I started putting in some overtime and slowly began to hook my place up. Once in a while, I would let the girls at work convince me to go out to the club with them. I made an appearance at the Touch of Class Nightclub only once, and that was because the very first time I was there they had a frigging shoot out.

That was just a little too much excitement for me. Another time we went to The Squeeze. It was jam-packed and I danced my sexually frustrated ass off all night, letting some rock hard nigga whine up on me all night. What he was packing I was almost tempted to unpack and get a serious workout going. By two that morning, he had me up against his car promising that I would be screaming his name out if I let him get up between my legs. God, I was tempted as hell. But I choose to play it safe and leave that alone. I took his number and took my wet ass to find my friends.

Suffice it to say, I never gave him a call. The end of the year was nearing and everybody’s head was glued to his or her books. I had a fifteen-page paper due for my Social Behavior psychology class, a final in my Research Methods in Criminal Justice class, and another in Criminal Law and Procedure. Oh God why did I choose to major in Criminal Justice. If I wasn’t studying in the Butler library, I was studying at work or at home. By the end of the semester, I was looking at a two point nine G.P.A, which was really good, for me anyway. I was invited to spend the summer in N.Y.C by my girl Charlene; I opted to stay and work full-time at the market.

The summer was moving along slowly, with nothing exciting jumping off. I knew that if I were down in the Bronx, I would have been wilding out almost every night to the early morn. Instead I was going to work full time, occasionally catching a flick and dropping by a few BBQ’s. I was well over a year of no sex, so of course I was now considered re-virginized. It wasn’t a choice. I just wasn’t the kind of girl to be opening my legs to any Tom, Dick or Harry. My shit was priceless and a nigga had to show me that he was worth me opening my vault.

It was a warm sunny day, around two in the afternoon. I had been in my apartment all morning cleaning up and keeping busy. My friend Sammy had called me early this morning to holler at me and let me know that she was having a little gathering at her man’s house later. Sammy and I met at work and became friends. As soon as she hooked up with her recent man, working was a thing of the past. I hadn’t really planned on going, but after a few hours in that house, I was bored as hell. I do like my alone time, but sometimes I just get the urge to get out and mingle.

Standing a few blocks away from home at the bus stop, I waited for the number 12 bus. There were already a few people waiting when I got there. This one lady was rocking her fussy baby’s carriage. Her ample body shifted back and forth like her dogs were barking. When she unzipped her lightweight jacket to reach inside for something, I caught sight of her waitress uniform. It was spattered with colors of the rainbow, letting