Take These Jokes, Please!

By Mel Simons

"Hey, did you hear the one about the honest lawyer?..."
"So, this priest says to a rabbi..."

When it comes to comedy, nobody knows the comics and their jokes as well as Mel Simons. Mel has spent his entire career enjoying, collecting and chronicling the best of the best, whether it be the comedy of radio, TV, nightclubs or stand-up comedians. Take These Jokes, Please! is the latest in Mel’s prolific series of books, which cover radio, television, music, and comedians.

Take These Jokes, Please! includes the jokes of the greatest of the greats, including comics who Mel knew personally, including entertainers like Milton Berle, Red Buttons and Joan Rivers. If you just like jokes for jokes’ sake, he has also placed humor into categories, such as “Lawyer Jokes” and “Bar Jokes.”

Mel, an entertainer, lecturer, author and radio personality lives in Boston. His home boasts one of the largest collections of entertainment memorabilia anywhere.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BearManor Media
• Release date: May 15, 2016
• ISBN: 9781310142918

Book preview

Classic Cinema.

Timeless TV.

Retro Radio.

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Take These Jokes, Please!

© 2016 Mel Simons. All Rights Reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, digital, photocopying or recording, except for the inclusion in a review, without permission in writing from the publisher.

This version of the book may be slightly abridged from the print version.

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Published in the USA by:

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PO Box 71426

Albany, Georgia 31708

www.bearmanormedia.com

ISBN 978-1-59393-167-4

Cover Design by John Teehan.

eBook construction by Brian Pearce | Red Jacket Press.

Table of Contents

Foreword

Milton Berle Jokes

Jokes

Morey Amsterdam Jokes

Cute Quotes

Bob Hope Jokes

Daffynitions

Joan Rivers Jokes

Jokes

Irish Jokes

Doctor Jokes

Nipsey Russell Jokes

Questions & Answers

Golf Jokes

Jokes

Rodney Dangerfield Jokes

Old Age Jokes

Victor Borge Jokes

Yo’ Mama Jokes

Bad Days

Silly Marriages

Mae West Jokes

Mel’s Words for the Birds

Henny Youngman Jokes

Jokes

Italian Jokes

Jokes

Dean Martin Jokes

Songs That Will Never Be Hits

Simons Sez

Bar Jokes

Red Buttons Jokes

Jokes

Red Skelton Jokes

Jokes

Jewish Jokes

Jokes

Daffynitions

Senior Citizen Jokes

Jokes

Joey Bishop Jokes

Limericks

Strange Signs

W.C. Fields Jokes

Drunk Jokes

Phyllis Diller Jokes

More Cute Quotes

Woody Allen Jokes

Rabbi-Priest-Minister Jokes

Jack Benny Jokes

George Burns Jokes

Lawyer Jokes

Pat Henry Jokes

Buddy Hackett Jokes

Knock-Knock Jokes

Danny Thomas Jokes

Steven Wright Jokes

Senior Citizen Jokes

Steve Allen Jokes

George Carlin Jokes

Myron Cohen Jokes

Jokes

Groucho Marx Jokes

Jokes

Also by Mel Simons:

The Old-Time Radio Trivia Book

The Old-Time Television Trivia Book

Old-Time Radio Memories

The Show-Biz Trivia Book

Old-Time Television Memories

The Movie Trivia Book

Voices from the Philco

The Good Music Trivia Book

The Mel Simons Joke Book: If It’s Laughter You’re After

The Old-Time Radio Trivia Book II

The Comedians Trivia Book

The Old-Time Radio Trivia Book III

Take These Jokes, Please!

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to master chef Lou Greenstein. Lou is a long-time friend and our friendship is still cookin’!

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Mel Simons

www.melsimons.net

Foreword

How nice it would have been to have had a book like Mel Simons’ Take These Jokes, Please when I was a radio announcer many years ago. I say announcer because they hadn't come up with the term disc jockey then. I’d have to scour the magazines and newspapers for bits and pieces and joes to fill the spaces between recorded music and rehersals. If there had been a resource like Mel Simons’ book to steal from, I might have gone somewhere. I would have found jokes of every type all in one place.

I recommend Mel’s book to fledgling DJ’s and comics. Better still I recommend that all you normal folks read Take These Jokes, Please. If you love to laugh, you will love this book. Try it, you'll like it.

Bob Elliott

Bob and Ray

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Bob and Ray.

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Bob and Ray.

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Mel Simons and Bob Elliott.

Milton Berle Jokes

On our honeymoon night, I said to my wife, Do me a favor, honey. Bring something black and sexy. So she brought Denzel Washington.

One night my wife and I made love for an hour and three minutes. That was the night they turned the clocks ahead.

My wife calls our water bed the Dead Sea.

Bob Hope is a devoted family man, a father of four