Raising a Smile for Northern Ireland Children's Hospice

By Brian Bailie, Bowen Bailie and Blair Bailie

Raising a Smile is so worthwhile,
(And took us ages to compile),
Lots of cartoons, stories and rhymes
(And lots of local grammatical crimes).

So buy this book, it's parful funny,
And you'll help to raise some money
For Northern Ireland Children's Hospice,
A grand wee place for ill kids, so it is.

• Language: English
• Publisher: eBookIt.com
• Release date: Apr 26, 2016
• ISBN: 9781456608613

Book preview

Conan.

Loads of Pumpkins   by Brian

I had a little pumpkin, I got for Halloween,

I dug it out and carved it up, and it looked really mean.

But I kept all the seeds inside, and stuck them in the muck,

I added lots of water, and some wee-wee just for luck.

Then some time later, I went out to have a little look,

To see if there was anything, to give my mum to cook.

Lo and behold, surprised was I, so many had I grown,

I had to call the fire brigade upon my telephone.

"Help me, please! Oh help me, I need to eat these pumpkins,

Have you got a sucky thing for sucking lots of junk in?"

No, they said, "You’ll have to eat them all up by yourself,

They’re really awfully good for you, and fill you full of health."

So mum made soup and stew and pie and put it on my plate,

And told me not to leave the room until I had it ate.

My belly swelled, my tummy groaned, my bum produced some gasses,

Don’t give me no more pumpkins, please. Next year I’ll just grow grasses.

I Have No Buddy   by Bowen

I'm Mr Lonely,

Just me here only.

I have no buddy.

I miss my buddy,

My buddy has gone away.

My buddy is gone today.

I have a wee doggy,

Who gets wet and soggy.

She is called Stinky.

She is fast and very slinky.

She is happy, she is nice,

She is quick and catches mice.

My big dog is Slobber,

He’ll bark at a robber.

He likes to chew bones,

And running for stones.

But the stuff in his belly,

Makes farts that are smelly.

Dorinda’s Goat   by Brian

One morning on the telephone, there came an urgent call,

Her ladyship was all to-do, like she’d been in a brawl.

Please help me Brian, she appealed, "I’ve got an awful pest,

There’s a goat outside who’s awfully cross." She really was distressed.

When I arrived it all looked fine, no sign of goat round here,

But when Dorinda greeted me, the smelly goat appeared.

"I can’t get out.   He’s stalking me. I can’t get to my car,

Please take the smelly goat away, somewhere really far."

From Ballywalter Park to home again was several country miles,

And as I walked with goat secured, I earned a lot of smiles.

I walked him home to Roddens Farm and put him in a field,

I called Dorinda on the phone, and she was so relieved.

That field had lots of heifers, fat with calf within their tummy,

That goat ate all the bad grass, so the grass he left was yummy.

And so the heifers all kept well because of Billy goat,

(Despite the rancid smell that came from glands around his throat).

The heifers, all so fat with calf, to market they were taken,

Off to little Gortin Glen, deep within the Sperrins.

And Billy goat, he travelled too, for he would not be parted,

He would not leave his lady friends; now isn’t that bighearted?

But at the sale at Gortin Glen, no farmer bid for Billy,

So he was taken up the road, and left where it was hilly.

The Sperrins are so cold at night, with winds of great severity,

But Billy, he was rescued, to raise funds for local charity.

So round the pubs and clubs and bars that goat he went collecting

For a worthy cause, for children who were in need of some protecting.

With Billy’s help, that man he raised an awful lot of money,

So the children (who were all in need), had a future that was sunny.

Did Billy like Dorinda ‘cus he knew she was so wealthy?

Did he realise just how well he kept those heifers nice and healthy?

Despite his tatty looks, and pong, and everyone’s assumption.

That goat, he lived to serve a very honourable function.

Where is Blair?   by Bowen

Where is Blair with the big hair?

Is he here, or is he there?

Is he round, or is he square?

In a house, or in a lair?

Eating an apple, or a pear?

Where is Claire with the small hair?

Is she here, or is she there?

Is she sitting in a chair?

Or floating high up in the air?

And saying a prayer?

I see hair, and it's right over there.

It might be Blair, or it might be Claire.

I can’t see, so I'll stand on a chair,

Oh! It is Claire, and she is running with Blair.

They are being chased by a grizzly bear.

The Turkey   by Brian

Of all the birds so weird and quirky,

The ugliest fowl must be the turkey.

They sometimes like to chase old ladies

To try to steal their jelly-babies.

The ladies wearing baggy knickers

Can seal their jelly up with stickers.

This is why their bottoms wobble

When they hear a turkey Gobble.

Awkward Wordsearch   by Brian

They say that puzzles are good for your mind,

But puzzles like this could make you go blind.

Can you find the awkward word

Before your eyes get sore and blurred?

The Vermeskin' Juddleflizzy   by Blair

Last Febrember mum did say;

"I hope that you're not busy,

'cause if you're not, go out and slay

That vermeskin' Juddleflizzy."

Fragoobleized, I flooped in shock

And gippled in surprise.

Puntunctiously I optilocked

As I stazed into her eyes.

"Grimblegroobers? Piece of cake!

Greduffalonts; a breeze!

I eat them both at breakfast

With toast and melted cheese.

But JUDDLEFLIZZIES?! Don't be daft!

It'll have me morgandurgled!

It'll crickle, spoitle, moich and splurt me

Then have me oinklesplodged and churgled!"

"Don't be lazy, glympy boy,

And don't neglifft your chores.

Besides, you ought to go outside;

It's healthier outdoors."

So like the fwippy lad I was

I did as I was told.

I was of course obedient

At only eight years old.

I clad myself with all my mungle

And troofted through the town

To the Jigadigoobley Jungle

As the townsfolk vult me down.

I tringed a path with schtoops and chops

Seeking the devastructious beast

But found only venzileripops

And some snurking stripsnak trees.

Within about six donkey's hours

I lotused in a clearing.

While sitting there in silence

I sensed the schnipster nearing...

BOOM-SHAKALAKA! CRRKDOOSH-CRACK! ROARRRRR!

The horpetrifibubble Juddleflizzy had me pinned against the floor!

The gharish, ghastly gnorpleschnak,

The humunganormous puffle

And I, with Kung-Fu valour

Fought the skipple to kerfuffle!

I was strimped across the undergrowth,

He bore horns and spines and claws and sting

And tusks and teeth,

But I, I had not anything!

It pounces flaring every frill!

I swaked from underneath my kilt

A Gnazourx axe with double hilt

To have that Juddleflizzy killed!

All within a microsecond

I saw the Juddleflizzy's mug,

The snoofy nuffler, then I reckoned,

Would skwirk if it just got a hug.

I dropped my axe and stretched my arms

And muppled up the beast with love,

Whispifying, slooked with charm,

No hard feelings, bruv.

Grimblegroobers? Piece of cake!

Greduffalonts; that's easy!

I share them both at breakfast

With my pet Juddleflizzy.

A Man of Letters   by Brian

S N-E 1 N ?

Who is it?

L-X-&-R. I M N D L-F-8-R.

Och, it’s great to see you again.   Come on, on, on, on in.

F U R B-C I-L 1 O-A

No, I always have time for you, Alexander. Come in and look at these new beetles of mine.

N-6? R U X-M-N-N N-6? I 8 N-6

They’re just a bunch of harmless beetles.   Come here and have a wee look.

O I C

Yes, aren’t they very interesting?

O S

I’ve been studying the blue beetle and the yellow beetle.   Which beetle do you like?

L-O. S, E S D 1 2 C

Turn it over and look at all the little legs.

O! X-L-N. L-O N-6, I C U.

If you enjoy looking at these insects, maybe you’ll be interested in seeing my new pet?

S. S. S.   O I M N X-T-C.

Calm down Alexander, if you get too excited you might scare it away.   But you have to guess what it is first.

I N O.

Come on, guess.

N-6?

No. Bigger than an insect.

N N-M-L?

Yes, but guess which kind.

M,……   A C-L?

No. I almost bought one of those, but the man said my bath wasn’t big enough.

M,….. A D-R?

I had one of those last year, but it got caught in the headlights.

M,…. N N?

Oh, I’d love one of those, but you know I’m allergic to feathers, (although I would love to keep one to get nice fresh eggs each morning).

O! X. X R L-T 4 U. F U N-E X?

No, I’m sorry. There are no eggs left.

U 8 L D X?

I didn’t eat them all.   My new pet ate them all up for his breakfast.   Come on now, guess what my new pet is.   Here’s a clue: he’s very big.

O! M,…. N L-F-N?

Yes, that’s right.   But I think he’s a magic one, because every night I give him a nice new bed of hay, and every morning it’s all disappeared.

D A S L O-A?

Yes, I’ve no idea where it all goes to.

D L-F-N 8 L D A.

Do you think so?   The man told me that this elephant only eats eggs.

D L-F-N 8 L D A 4 N-R-G.

Grrr! If I’d known that I wouldn’t have given him all my eggs for breakfast.   Doe! That’s really, really annoying. I love eggs. Grrrr,…. huff."

Y R U Y-N-N?

Because he ate all the hay, and then he ate all my lovely eggs. Bad elephant.

R U O-K?

Yes. I’m just really cross.   He’s a very naughty elephant.   Where did he go to?

E S N D I-V.

Aww, no!   It took ages to grow that.

I N-V U.

Why?   Because I have an elephant who eats his bed, and eats all my eggs, and is now destroying my garden?

I M 2 O-L 4 N L-F-N.

Well, elephants certainly can be very annoying, but you’re not too old to own one.

S I M. I F O-L H.

Catch yourself on. You’re not too old; not yet.

S I M. I M 2 O-L 4 N L-F-N.

Yeah. Well maybe you’re right.   But you have a lovely little pet bird, don’t you?"

A J.

Yes. A jay.   From India, isn’t it?

S. N N-D-N J. A B-U-T.

Oh, that sounds much better than an elephant.

S. N D J S X.

Really?   How many does your jay lay each day?

N X-S F 5 X.

Five?   Your jay lays more than five eggs each day?

S.

And you come to my house and ask me for my eggs?

S. X R L-T 4 U. X R 4 N-R-G.

Aww! That’s just greedy.   Why you’re just as bad as my greedy elephant.

M I?

Yes, you flipping are. Huh!   I can’t believe it!   I hate you

I H U 2.

Yeah, well I hate you more.

U R N N-M-E.

"You better believe it, Alexander.   Go on, get out.   Get back in the elevator, and buzz off.

I M N D Q 4 D L-F-8-R.

You don’t need to queue for it.

D L-F-8-R S M-T?

Yes, now get out.   Get out, and take my greedy elephant with you.

O, N-Q.

SuperBowen and the Snowman   by Bowen

Once upon a time it was a nice winter day. The birds where tweeting, and the snow was snowing, and the children were playing.

Well, there were nine children making a snowman, and they found a hat, and it was a magic hat, but the children didn't know it was a magic hat until the snowman came to life. And it was a bad snowman.

The bad snowman started to make lots of other bad snowmen attack all the people.   There were 300 bad snowmen all trying to attack the people. So the army came out to stop the snowmen, but there were way too many snowmen.

Then SuperBowen came flying by, and he saw the big fight, and he shouted, Quickly everyone, go and boil your kettles.

So all the people boiled their kettles and started pouring boiling water to melt the snowmen. Aaaaaaaaaaaa. yelled all the bad snowmen.

The snowmen all got melted down the drain.

At bedtime everybody was very sleepy from melting all the bad snowmen, and everyone slept right through until summertime.

Summertime is too warm for snowmen, but it wasn’t too warm for a wicked robot.

A big, big, big, big, big robot, who was a friend of the bad snowmen, came to eat SuperBowen.

But SuperBowen