Life of a Loser: Wanted

By Lou Zuhr

Just when things couldn't get any worse, Lou Zuhr's luck is about to change. Lou's family is moving to the stinkiest town on the planet - Pittsville, USA. Fail! From a sister Lou claims is a demon, to frequent run-ins with The Law - join Lou on a LOL ride through the life of “the unluckiest kid in the whole universe”. What else can you expect when your dad is an underwear salesman? *LOL*

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lou Zuhr
• Release date: Nov 22, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311551108

Book preview

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CONTENTS

WARNING

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

PHOTOGENIC

WASTED DREAMS

LEFT BEHIND

PITTSVILLE, USA

UNEMPLOYED

GENIUS PLAN

I’M A WORKIN’ MAN

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

SHOPPING NIGHTMARE

MOVIE NIGHT

LOCKED UP

LUNCH LADY

PATIENCE, GRASSHOPPER

SECRET GOOP

TASTELESS

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE

Life of a Loser - Wanted

by Lou Zuhr

If life gives you lemons - RUN!!!

- Lou

www.lifeofaloser.com

copyright 2014 by Lou Zuhr

WARNING

If you’re the type of person who chuckles when your friend trips over their shoelaces, or enjoys smashing a giant banana pie into someone’s face, then this book is for you. If, on the other hand, you are one of those nice people who cries during princess movies, or likes to take pictures of butterflies, then you should probably consider putting the book you’re holding down. Right now.

The tragedy that is my life could be likened to hot sauce. Not the wimpy, mild kind of hot sauce, either. We’re talking the suicidal, face-melting stuff that singes your eyebrows off and leaves your taste-buds scarred.

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Turns out, I am - without question - the unluckiest kid in the entire universe.

You’re probably thinking that I must be exaggerating for dramatic effect - that I’m probably just a whiny crybaby who doesn’t know how to handle a little disappointment.

You might be telling yourself, He can’t possibly be as unlucky as he claims to be.

Well, my new-found friend, it turns out I have proof. Go ahead, check out Goggle Maps if you don’t believe me. In case you can’t type, I’ve included a map of the known universe for you.

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No, I’m not #3 - Beepy the rusty robot.

And no, I’m not #2 - Ed the alien blob thing.

That’s right - I’m #1.

I bet you’re feeling smart now, aren’t you. Thought you had me figured out? Well, that map offers pretty solid evidence, if you ask me. Just ask your parents, they’ll tell you that you can always believe what you read online, because the Internet always tells the truth.

By the way, if you're wondering why I’m wearing a bag on my head, just keep reading - you’ll soon understand.

In case you missed it, my name is Lou. Lou Zuhr.

And this is my story.

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

For nearly thirteen years, I have been the butt of every technology joke told within fifty miles of Pine Bluffs - my hometown.

Why?

Well, my cheapskate father - bless his soul - somehow manages to keep me in the Electronic-Gadget Stone Age.

Let me explain.

One of my earliest memories is of my fifth Christmas. My best friend Blip and I had asked for CD players, so we could rock out on the jams of the very famous M.C. Tumbleweed. Blip, whose parents were a bit more hip, received a portable CD player with anti-skip protection. They also gave him a beautiful set of headphones that would thump your socks off.

I, on the other hand, was not quite as fortunate.

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I’m convinced that the growth of my right arm was stunted by having to lug around, and manually crank that portable record player. Plus, I squandered most of my allowance paying double fare every time I took the darn thing on the bus.

The nightmare continues even today. For months, I have been begging non-stop for a yuppiePad, as I am the only kid in the tri-state area who still does homework with a pencil and paper.

Yeah, a pencil - can you even imagine???

Not to mention, I have been dying to play Blastem-to-Bits - Episode 3, which is only available on the yuppiePad (a minor detail my parents don’t need to know about).

I was about ready to consign myself to a wasted life of playing outside, riding my bike - maybe even reading books - when mom said