Parenting and the Power of Respect

By P. Lawrence Wright

Disciplining your children doesn’t need to be a constant power struggle accompanied by arguments and yelling. It is possible to discipline with love and respect, avoiding the conflict that too often exists. Parenting and the Power of Respect is a non-intimidating, non-violent, motivational system that can be used to influence positive change in the behavior of your children and bring harmony back into your home.

Because it’s easy to read, understand, and apply, it won’t take long for you to see real results in your children’s behavior as they begin responding more willingly and cooperatively. You’ll learn that by replacing the concept of reward and punishment with a system of choices and consequences, your children will learn responsibility, while also gaining greater self-confidence and self-esteem.

Put an end to the power struggle in your home and learn to communicate with your children in a positive, loving way that will strengthen your relationships and create a more peaceful life for both you and your children.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Scrivener Books
• Release date: Apr 14, 2015
• ISBN: 9781311703200

P. Lawrence Wright

A national award-winning artist and designer, Larry is a single parent of five children and grandfather of twelve. His quest for more positive and effective parenting methods has evolved over thirty years, culminating in this second edition of Parenting and the Power of Respect. He is currently retired and living in Ogden, Utah. He graduated from college in 1976 with a BFA with an emphasis in visual communication and has professional experience as a counselor for troubled children. Four of his children are married and have children of their own that are being raised with the Power of Respect, a testament to the value of the System from the child's point of view. He maintains a close relationship with all of his children.

Book preview

PoR

Parenting

and the

Power of Respect

by

P. Lawrence Wright

and

Elizabeth A. Wright

Copyright © 2014 by P. Lawrence Wright. Second edition. All rights reserved. Cover design by P. Lawrence Wright. Smashwords edition.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written consent of the copyright owner.

Books are available in quantity discounts for established groups or organizations promoting parenting counseling, classes, or seminars. For more information please write to: The Power of Respect, Inc., 3510 Grant Ave, Ogden, Utah 84401.

Dedication

To my wonderful children: Michael, Sean, Pamela, Elizabeth, and Katherine. It was because of you I wanted to be a better father, and because of you this book was possible.

Photo of the children at the time the System was started.

The Children

Back row: Mike, Pam.

Front row: Sean, Katie, and Liz.

Table of Contents

Author’s Note: For the Second Edition

Foreword: A Daughter’s Perspective

Preface: The Journey of Lifetime

Section 1: Understanding the System

Chapter 1: The Power of Respect

• Introduction

Chapter 2: Motivating with Respect

• Love and Respect

• The Importance of Respect

• Motivating with Respect

• The Carrot on a Stick

• Intimidation

• Influence or Control?

• Summary of Chapter 2

Chapter 3: Getting Prepared to Use the System

• Why Do Some Parents Fail?

• Parents Need to Grow Up Too

• Hold Your Temper

• Listen

• Understand Their Feelings

• Avoid the Perfection Trap

• Help Set Goals

• Be Careful with Criticism

• Think Ahead

• Give Praise

• Express Gratitude

• Apologize

• Listen for Content

• Let Them Be Right Sometimes

• Work as a Team

• Summary

Chapter 4: The System

• It’s as Easy as One-Two-Three

• The System

• Summary of the System

Chapter 5: Making It Work

• Putting the System to Work

• The Story of Betty

• Stop and Think

Section 2: Solving Some Non-discipline Problems

Chapter 6: Using Empathy and Understanding for Non-discipline Problems (Examples with Younger Children)

• Whining

• Toilet Training

• Eating Properly

• Inappropriate Language

• Fear of the Dark

• Wetting the Bed

Chapter 7: Non-discipline Problems Using Empathy and Understanding (Pre-teens and Teenagers)

• Allowance and Money Issues

• Music and Television

• Religion and Values

• Sex, Drinking and Drugs

Section 3: Solving Some Discipline Problems

Chapter 8: Solving Discipline Problems Using the One-Two-Three Step System

• An Introduction to the Discipline Examples

• Why Aren’t There More Examples?

Category 1: Chores

Example 1: Refusing to Do the Job

Example 2: Agreeing to Work but Failing to Do the Job

Example 3: Procrastination

Example 4: Doing the Job Right

Example 5: Picking Up after Themselves

Category 2: Schoolwork

Example: Homework

Category 3: Personal Interactions

Example 1: Bullying and Teasing

Example 2: Fighting

Example 3: Teenage Conflicts

Category 4: Obeying Set Rules

Example 1: Bedtime

Example 2: Curfew

Example 3: Computer Gaming and the Internet

Category 5: Morality Issues

Example 1: Stealing

Example 2: Lying

Category 6: Hygiene and Cleanliness

Example 1: Bathing

Example 2: Dental Hygiene

Category 7: Self Control

Example 1: Temper Tantrums (ages 3-6)

Example 2: Temper Tantrums (ages 7 and older)

Example Three: Sitting Still

Category 8: Food-Related Issues

Example 1: Eating Properly

Example 2: Eating with the Family

Category 9: Entertainment

Example 1: Cooperation vs. Entertainment

Example 2: Computer Gaming and the Internet

Section 4: In Conclusion

Chapter 9: The Journal

• The Mighty Pencil

Chapter 10: In the Spirit of Full Disclosure

• A Righteous Quest

About the Authors

• Father and Daughter

The Children Today

• Michael, Sean, Pamela, Elizabeth, and Katherine

Author’s Note

For the Second Edition

Parenting can be fun and rewarding, or frustrating and difficult. It’s up to you.

I hope you chose fun and rewarding because I would like to share an amazing system for parenting that will eliminate the frustration and difficulty many parents accept as normal.

Our society bombards us with statements that lead us to believe that the problems we experience with our children are somehow inherent in childhood and unavoidable. Concepts like the terrible twos, the horrible threes, and the generation gap suggest that the problems we have with our children are inevitable. If we settle for that as truth, then those problems will be inevitable.

Do you wish the time you spend with your children was filled with fun instead of with anger and frustration? I’d like to make that wish come true but I can’t make a failing system for parenting work. If what you’re doing isn’t working, you need to change what you’re doing or accept the same sad outcome. If your system creates, rather than solves, problems, it will never be the best way to deal with your children.

If you’re not having fun as a parent, harsh as it may sound, you probably aren’t doing it right. Your children aren’t broken, and you aren’t a bad parent. You are simple not using an effective system of parenting.

I can help you with that. I’m offering to teach you a different way to parent. I want you to learn a new system. If you’re on board, you’ll need to let go of what you think you know and be willing to experiment with something new.

In this book you will learn about a totally different system of parenting. I call the system The Power of Respect and it is available to any parent willing to take the time and make the effort to replace their current parenting methods with something even better. Are you willing to give up on a system that isn’t working? If you are, I can guarantee that the change will be worthwhile for you and your children. The Power of Respect is the better way.

What I discovered is that the desire for respect is a universal need and can be used as a powerful motivational tool that will give you more influence and cooperation than you have probably ever experienced before, and without the use of intimidation or threats.

When I started teaching the principles of the Power of Respect in radio interviews, seminars, and one-on-one counseling, I noticed something surprising. Although motivated and excited about the possibility of eliminating conflicts with their children, many people had difficulty accepting that adopting my system meant they had to let go of many of the methods they were comfortable using.

You probably have your own set of problems with your children, or you wouldn’t be looking for help. But please understand: If you’re looking for a directory of solutions that you can go to when a new problem crops up while you continue parenting the way you always have, this is not the book for you. This isn’t a Merck’s manual of childhood behavior problems. What a big book that would be. But even if it would help, a book that tries to solve problems one at a time could never anticipate every problem.

Traditional parenting consists of reacting to problems, one at a time and one after another. The goal of this book is not to teach you how to solve problems one at a time. This book will teach you a system that will prevent problems from occurring.

Later in this book you’ll see solutions to a few common problems. If you’re like many, you probably went to that chapter first. Please be patient. Soon enough you’ll learn how those examples will be used to communicate and activate the three-step System. After you understand the System and the attitude you’ll need when you begin to apply it, you’ll choose two or three of those solutions, like ending temper tantrums or motivating your children to willingly cooperate, and use them to establish the System.

You’ll even learn how to create solutions on your own, not because you will continue to face a life full of problems, but because you might encounter a few that are unique to your family and your child.

I want the time you spend with your children to be full of fun experiences. Once you start using this new System, you’ll find that solving problems will not only become great bonding opportunities, but will sometimes even be enjoyable. As you see a reduction in the number of problems, there will be more time to have the fun and memorable experiences that make parenting so special.

The Power of Respect is the way to make parenting fun and rewarding. Use it, and be happy. I am, and so are my children.

Foreword

A Daughter’s Perspective

by Elizabeth A. Wright

I am not a parent, nor am I a psychologist or a PhD. I suppose that makes you wonder why on earth I would be qualified to write a foreword for a parenting book.

The answer is because I am what you and everyone else on this planet is from the moment they are born; a child to someone who has taken on one of the most challenging, yet hopefully rewarding jobs they will ever have in this lifetime.

I am also the outcome of a system that has created one of the greatest and closest relationships I only wish every child could have with their own parents. I was a child raised with the methods explained in this book, and I experienced how the effects of this system can not only improve parent-child relationships, but any relationship.

To be clear, I was not raised in your typical Leave it to Beaver household. After five children and over twelve years of marriage, my parents realized they just couldn’t function together in the same household. When I was four, they divorced and we five children seemed doomed to live our lives as statistics of a broken home.

Fortunately, that wasn’t the case. After the divorce, my father began to recognize many flaws within himself. Some were brought on through his own upbringing, and they not only took a toll on his marriage, but they were also having a negative impact on the relationship with each of us children. His awareness of the problem created desperation to find a better way to live.

After years of self-improvement and a few little experiments with each of us, something finally clicked: Relationships cannot function properly when they are based on intimidation, coercion, or force. He adopted his new approach, and our relationships began to change dramatically. We had a happy home.

What’s interesting for me is that after my mother remarried, I was able to see firsthand the perspective of two households using two different systems; one with the old way of parenting using intimidation and force, and my dad’s approach using the Power of Respect. The difference was like night and day.

I remember when people began coming to my dad asking for advice, not only on parenting issues, but also with other subordinate relationships (such as employer and employee). My dad’s system seemed to be working in the office, at schools, and with a few adjustments, even in marriages.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that if you read this book through, take action and implement it in your own life, and change the one person you DO have control over (yourself), you will also see dramatic changes in your own lives and relationships.

I plan to start a family soon and will definitely be implementing this system with my own children as well as in my marriage. My hope for myself and for you is for a happy home full of unconditional love and respect. The Power of Respect system changed our lives, and I know it can do the same for you.

Elizabeth A. Wright

Preface

The Journey of a Lifetime

I wanted to be a parent for almost as long as I can remember. While walking home from a Little League game when I was eleven, the other kids were thinking about the game and I was deciding the name I would eventually give my first son. I never thought that being a dad would be difficult or that I might not be good at it. My father had deserted our family just three years earlier, and I knew that I could do better. I was going to be the world’s greatest dad. I was going to rush home from work and joyfully spend my evenings with my family.

Fast forward fourteen years: I got married, and within a year I was a father. I found out the hard way