Parenting for Crisis Avoidance: Discover 22 Powerful, Practical, Parenting Tips & 101 Tools Used to Rear Responsible Children

By Joseph J. Callahan Callahan III

How often do parents ask themselves, "What can I do to improve my child's behavior?" Parents experience a multitude of challenges in guiding their children toward responsible adulthood. In this book the author shows not only the what and why of effective parenting, but more importantly, the how via 22 powerful Tips and 101 powerful Tools. Use the Tips and Tools to become a more available and persistent parent and stay on the path of effective parenting.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Mar 29, 2011
• ISBN: 9781450068536

Joseph J. Callahan Callahan III

Joseph J. Callahan, III works in the telecommunications and security industry. Over three decades he had been a domestic and international consultant, business teacher, Junior Achievement mentor, plus a Youth Soccer and Little League Baseball coach. He has an MBA and Advanced Business Degree in marketing and finance from Northeastern University in Boston. He is married to Cathy Mary Callahan. They have three grown children.

Book preview

Copyright © 2011 by Joseph J. Callahan III.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2010904181

ISBN: Hardcover     978-1-4500-6852-9

ISBN: Softcover      978-1-4500-6851-2

ISBN: Ebook           978-1-4500-6853-6

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the copyright owner of this book.

Any names mentioned in this book are entirely fictitious and no resemblance to persons living or dead, or corporate entities, is intended to be made.

Cover Design and Illustrations by Jason Gerstein.

Printed and bound by Xlibris Corporation, Bloomington, Indiana.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris Corporation

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

[e-mail]

78645

To my wife, Cathy, and our children, Joseph, Bevin and

Garrett—for their support and voluminous story material.

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Table of Contents

List of Illustrations

Foreword

Preface

Acknowledgments

Introduction

What This Book Will Do For You

What This Book Will Not Do For You

How To Use This Book

Why Do Some Children Fall Off The Tracks?

Where Are The Parenting Answers?

The 22 Parenting Tips & 101 Tools

Tip 1 Love Yourself, Then Others: Work From the Inside Out

Tip 2 Enhance the Parental Role: Go Outside the Box

Tip 3 Loneliness of the Long Distance Child: Tend the Garden

Tip 4 It All Evens Out: Sacrifice Now or Pay Later

Tip 5 Focus on the Objectives: Stick to the Knitting

Tip 6 Build the Bond: Be the Glue

Tip 7 Listen, Listen, Listen: Be the Catcher

Tip 8 Friends of Your Child: Use Available Resources

Tip 9 Every Action Has a Result: Teach Cause and Effect

Tip 10 Assign Ownership: Teach Responsibility

Tip 11 Divert From the Path: View Failure As OK

Tip 12 Remember the Past: Grow With Your Child

Tip 13 No I or Me in Team: Be a Team

Tip 14 Understanding the Parent’s Role: Be a Parent First

Tip 15 Over Reaction Is The Kiss of Death: Under React

Tip 16 Share the Cost of Desires: Teach the Power of the Purse

Tip 17 Understanding Parameters: Set and Enforce Limits

Tip 18 We All Have Needs: Work the Balancing Act

Tip 19 Stretch the Limits: Continually Raise the Bar

Tip 20 The 80/20 Rule: Share the Weight Unequally

Tip 21 What You Do Matters: Focus on Behaviors

Tip 22 Mature Family Relationships: Pass the Baton

Afterword: Make It Happen

About the Author

Appendix A: The 101 Tools

Appendix B: The 22 Tips—Wallet Version

Appendix C: Share the Tips & Tools

Appendix D: The Declaration of Parenthood

Appendix E: Suggested Home Reference Books

Order Form: Parenting for Crisis Avoidance Book

Order Form: Declaration of Parenthood Scroll

Order Form: Declaration of Parenthood T-Shirt

List of Illustrations

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Happy children on swings

Child with heart exhibiting self-love

Being released from constricting handcuffs

Parents tending their family garden

Child patient paying now

Mother sticking to her knitting

Father deciding the proper glue

Baseball catcher being the listener

Children at playground slide used as a resource

Scientist exhibiting cause and effect

Lori’s missing bicycle

Jeff’s progress report

Father dreaming of his youth

Parents with daughter after the team buys her car

Parents with official PARENT badges

The kiss of death overreaction bomb

Power of the purse items

Policeman parent with list of rules

Mother trying to balance her life

Child trying to high jump the next highest level

Child and parent sharing the weight unequally

List of approved and unapproved behaviors

Mother passing the baton to her son

Carpenter using his tools to make his dream house happen

Parenting Toolbox

Mother at bus stop sharing the 22 Tips & 101 Tools with neighbors

Foreword

Parenting is not an easy task. As a public school psychologist I frequently engage parents asking the same question, What can I do to improve my child’s behavior? They look to me for support and suggestions on how to be a better parent and positively change their child’s behavior, thereby setting their child on a path towards future success in life.

Although many parents want a quick solution, I learned through rigorous study and practical experience that there is no quick and easy fix. In fact, I talk to parents mostly about persistence in being an available parent, keeping communication lines open, and not giving up.

Parenting for Crisis Avoidance is a collection of stories, wonderful examples really, of numerous situations that parents universally face every day. You may have already been through a situation similar to the ones presented in the following pages. If you haven’t, you may know someone who has. Each of these situations could have ended in crisis, but didn’t. The common thread interwoven throughout each of the stories is the importance of communication. Each of the parents was available to their children and put forth the effort to open the lines of communication.

As I read the stories, I laughed out loud because many of them coincidentally aligned with many of my childhood experiences. (I will never admit which chapters actually apply to me). I also wondered how I would have turned out if my parents reacted differently. And the truth is, I don’t know. What I do know is that I always knew that my parents were available for me at any time and that they loved me unconditionally. I don’t know exactly what they said or did to make me feel this way, but I’m sure it wasn’t a quick process. I know I caused them many sleepless nights and feelings of angst and worry. However, only now as an adult do I realize how much effort and persistence they truly dedicated to raising me and my brothers. I am thankful that they never gave up on me, even when the thought of giving up might have crossed their minds.

Parenting for Crisis Avoidance provides valuable stories of how parents reacted (or did not react) to everyday situations with children of all ages. By reading these stories, you are provided with 22 valuable Tips and 101 Tools to apply to a variety of parenting situations. These Tips and Tools will help you become a more available and persistent parent. The book also provides the Declaration of Parenthood, to help you stay on the path of effective parenting. This, in turn will help you help your child develop into a responsible adult, which is what every parent truly wants. Most importantly, this book will help you realize that you have the powerful potential to be the most influential person in your child’s life.

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Bevin S. Peet

School Psychologist

Preface

Being a former career telecommunications manager for one of the regional Bell telephone operating companies, I am now a security officer, telecommunications consultant and entrepreneur living in the greater Boston area. The needs of my career resulted in extensive domestic and international travel—including almost a year in Indonesia. In the course of my travels I experienced the multitude of challenges that parents face in guiding their children toward responsible adulthood.

I saw that in no matter what area of the United States, or corner of the world we live, parents face similar challenges to do the effective thing in rearing their children.

Being an effective parent is only part of the challenge. Parents—

whether they are single parents, unconventional couples, traditional couples or grandparents rearing their grandchildren—are people who have their own needs. They deserve to have these needs satisfied. No parent deserves a life totally consumed by his children.

The other part of the challenge in rearing a family is to establish a behavioral balance that satisfies, within reason, the needs of all family members. Many parents miss this objective because they mistakenly see the parenting challenge as a zero sum event. If one family member gains, then naturally other family members must lose is an idea that could not be further from the truth in the long run.

As a father with twenty-four years in the parenting trenches, my goal in writing this book is to show not only the what and the why of effective parenting, but more importantly, to show the how via 22 Parenting Tips and the corresponding 101 Tools used to implement the Tips.

I found over the years that solutions to problems become easier if we find people that are successful at something and we do what they do. Believing in the Tips and using the Tools worked for my wife and me. We used the Tips and Tools to successfully rear two children. Our third child, a young adult, is a work in progress and we continue to use the Tips and Tools. They can work for you.

Acknowledgments

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The development of this book is the result of fabulous teamwork by incredibly talented people. I take this opportunity to express my gratitude to those who took the time and made the effort to help me make this work possible.

• To Cathy and to each of our children for supporting my endeavor without wavering during those long hours of focusing on the demanding task of writing.

• To the happy memory of my mother and father, savants who taught me the basics of interpersonal behavior, particularly within the family unit.

• To Jean Callahan, my second mother, who was and continues to be a model for patience and direction in a challenging family environment.

• To my brother Jimmy Callahan, who helped me boil down all my thoughts into the 22 Parenting Tips.

• To Toni LaClair, for her invaluable information associated with the writing and publishing maze.

• To Jason Gerstein, a superbly talented illustrator, for his creativity, energy, persistence and patience in helping me hit the target in support of the points in the book.

• To Regina Callahan, Janette Crowley, Diane Dufault, Mike and Sue Fleury, Michelle Parker, Chris Sullivan, Corinne Wagner, Susan Wagner, Ann Zona and the members of the South Shore Writers Club for straight forward, constructive feedback during the early drafts.

• To Mike Duggan, for production help and providing the often needed levity in any long-term project.

• To Jimmy LaClair and Tony Zalocki, for their consistent availability and willingness to let me bend an ear.

• To Rose Jordan, a truly superb editor, who provided the breath and depth of work necessary to fine-tune my project in a positive, rational, calm manner.

Introduction

What This Book Will Do For You

In this prolific information age, almost every day we hear sound bytes on TV or the radio and read articles in the newspaper that address parenting. We can go online, attend parenting courses, and read parenting magazines. These sources are helpful but how long does the information stay with us? How often do we see a parenting article that we feel can help us—then forget it when faced with a parenting crisis?

Parenting for Crisis Avoidance provides the information and the means to help parents teach their children basic, positive, responsible behavior. It contains one source of parenting Tips and the corresponding Tools used to implement the Tips. It is packaged for easy reference to aid parents in difficult parenting situations.

This book also helps parents look at their children differently by assisting parents in developing a behavior to aid them in understanding their children. This is the first step in getting children to understand their parents. Then parents can feel more confident in providing reasonable advice and guidance to their children. Correspondingly, the children become more receptive to their parents’ advice and guidance and both the parents and their children can truly enjoy the family experience.

Parenting for Crisis Avoidance is a How-To book for parents of all types. It includes:

• Actual family situations taken from the author’s experiences

• Demonstrates how to identify, analyze and take action in parenting situations

• Shows how parents can generate dialogue with their children, the first step in communication

• Shows how parents can listen to a child’s actions as well as words

• What to say (or not say) and do (or not do) to keep the communication’s channel open between parent and child

• Timing techniques to foster your child’s receptiveness to constructive dialogue

• Famous quotations and entertaining illustrations used to support the Tips

• The Tips and Tools Appendix that you can detach and post for quick reference.

What This Book Will Not Do For You

This book may initially be compared with many other parenting books on the market. However, other books mainly focus on specific topics, often an unacceptable behavior and how to correct it, and the solutions often require clinical intervention.

Parenting for Crisis Avoidance does not provide any form of professional medical, psychological or clinical assistance. Those may include, but are not limited to, the following categories:

How To Use This Book

This book provides parents with the Tools to incorporate powerful, practical and effective parenting techniques into their daily lives. Have no fear, as the journey need not be overwhelming. Yes, it will be challenging yet most any task worthwhile requires hard work.

To help you with your journey, I suggest the following steps in order to gain the maximum benefits and enjoyment from reading this book:

• In each chapter, place yourself in the position of the characters—yes, even as if you were one of the children in the story.

• For each story and character, ask yourself, How would I feel under the same or similar circumstances?

• Read the Tips and corresponding Tools at the end of each chapter. Ask yourself, "How can I implement at least some of these Tools?"

• After completing the book, photocopy or cut out Appendix A—The 101 Tools—and cover them with plastic. Put them in an easily accessible, visible place for everyday reference. Good places might be on your nightstand, a coffee table, or the stand next to your easy chair. Don’t forget to make a copy and put it in your briefcase if you travel. Do the same for Appendix B—The 22 Tips-Wallet Version. It can be used as a quick reference.

Wouldn’t it be comforting for every parent to have the Tips and Tools, like those in Appendix A, to help teach their children how to be responsible citizens? I encourage you to clip and share with others the slips in Appendix C so they’ll know where they too can find help.

Why Do Some Children Fall Off The Tracks?

This book helps parents develop closer relationships with their children, develop more patience and less stress, and handle uncomfortable situations while guiding their children. When parents consistently practice healthy development skills with their children, they can alleviate the crisis management mode of living. The story-telling approach provides family situations fostering basic behaviors. The Tools at the end of each story show how to develop healthy behaviors in yourself as well as your children. The following is a story sample without any tools.

Friends stay in touch . . .

At first, Alex thought the phone call was just another telemarketer or a charity asking for a contribution. As the phone rang in his home office he also had another thought—stop putting off getting caller ID; then I’d know if this call is important.

Alex was busy that morning. He was in the process of revising the financial data associated with a business plan for a new company. It had been almost a year since he first developed the business plan and was still unsuccessful in his efforts to hire a CEO to lead his company and obtain financing.

Hello Alex. It’s Josh. How are things in your neck of the woods?

Alex had known Josh for over fifteen years. They initially met and worked together for four years in New York. They shared many experiences during those four years, including being on the same work projects, working for the same boss and even playing on the same company softball team. They also played golf from time to time. Their families socialized at cookouts and the local yacht club. They both had several children, which gave them something else in common. Their careers had been successful, yet now they were on their own due to layoffs. Because they were separated by a four hour drive, they kept in contact by phone. Josh’s call wasn’t a surprise but Alex expected the conversation to revolve around the usual pleasantries and perhaps a lead or two for future work.

I’m doing fine Josh—still trying to hire a CEO but hanging on financially. Carla and the children are doing okay too. How about you?

Well, almost everything Alex said was true. After leaving a secure job, the work had been sporadic. Alex thought Josh might have a job for him to keep the wolves from the door until he could get his company off the ground.

Just got a job in New York City. The commute is a killer—over two hours one way on the train. And my employer could let me go at a moment’s notice. You know how these consulting assignments are. I’m thinking I can stretch this assignment out for a few months.

A four hour commute every day—that must wear on you, not to mention the time away from your family. Do you have time to rest up and spend time with your family over the weekends?

Josh had been married for over twenty years and had two boys and two girls. He was also a volunteer firefighter, which took up a great deal of his time. His wife, Theresa, worked full time.

Not much time left over with my schedule, but nothing lasts forever. I’m still trying to find that perfect lifestyle. As you often say, Alex—work the least amount of hours for the most amount of money. They both laughed.

My high school daughter is pregnant . . .

Then Josh proceeded to tell his story.

Alex, what I really want to talk about is something that I haven’t shared with anyone outside of family members. My fifteen year old daughter, Marcy, is pregnant.

This floored Alex. Neither spoke. The pause continued while Alex’s mind raced trying to find the right words.

Finally Alex asked, Marcy is pregnant? How are Marcy and you two holding up?

Alex felt awkward. He immediately thought of his own teenage daughter and had flashes of her being pregnant. Multiple questions raced through his mind. Was Marcy’s health okay? Would she marry the father? If so, what happiness could they expect? Was she raped? Was she to become a single mother? Was she going to keep the child, and how could she raise the child? Were Josh and Theresa going to raise the child? Would the father help raise the child? How old was he? Was Marcy going to terminate the pregnancy?

Alex thought the unknowns were endless and didn’t want to say anything to injure his friendship with Josh. Better to let Josh talk and for Alex to listen.

Over the next thirty minutes Josh gave all the details of Marcy’s pregnancy while Alex listened attentively and empathetically. Individual counseling was in progress with Marcy, as well as family counseling. The child was to be put up for adoption and Marcy was being home tutored.

After the telephone conversation played itself out, Alex sat back in his office and thought about what had transpired.

How could this have