Surviving F**ked Up Parents: The Guide to Rewiring Your Mind, Reparenting Yourself & Building Healthy Boundaries

By Holo Soul

The way your parents treat you not only becomes who you are, how you see yourself & the world but also governs the quality of your life. It has the potential to make or break your whole life.

I believe you know how toxic parents can make your entire life miserable. Like the old saying goes, garbage in garbage out. Since they are the ones responsible for your upbringing, all their manipulation, control, abuse, disrespect and critique not only become a part of you but also make it difficult for you to emotionally separate yourself from them so that you can make your own choices, set your own goals, and live a life that's fulfilling for you.

This book will teach you how to recalibrate, rewire, reparent, rebirth & rebuild your toxic relationship with your parents using powerful techniques that have been tried and tested. In effect, this will empower you with the necessary skills and frame work to take back your power, heal and build the kind of life you truly deserve.

After years of comprehensive research, trial & error and personal trials & tribulations comes the techniques in this book that have proven time & time again to be easy to implement and effective for everyone despite background, gender or age.

In this book you will be taken through the following steps using exercises, tasks and comprehensive instructions + explanations. Here are the main stages you will be taken through:

Step 1: Recalibrate- You make an in-depth analysis and evaluation of your relationship with your parents+ what you want it to be
Step 2: Rewire- You challenge your old beliefs and install a new healthy belief system
Step 3: Reparent- You become the parent to yourself that you truly deserve
Step 4: Rebirth- You let the old relationship with your parents die so the healthy one can be born
Step 5: Rebuild- You use what you have learnt to build your relationship with your parents anew

How much longer are you willing to suffer?
What do you have to lose?
You have tried it your way but still, here you are.
Remember, you too deserve to be surrounded by healthy, supportive and loving people.
So what are you waiting for?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Holo Soul
• Release date: Feb 11, 2022
• ISBN: 9781005627720

Holo Soul

HoloSoul is not just a young African doing great things but a movement. A movement dedicated to unleashing the greatness that lies inside every human being on to the world. After suffering and enduring many years of loss, depression, detachment, failure in every area of life and even homelessness, HoloSoul was born as the way through and the way out. A way that is shared through books, courses, workbooks and journals that help everyone in need become the person that they need. Inspired by vipassana meditation and life experiences, the knowledge shared is meant to transform every person's mind, body and soul as they are one. HoloSoul is just getting started.

Book preview

Surviving Toxic F**ked Up Parents!

The guide to rewiring your mind, reparenting yourself & setting healthy

boundaries

By HoloSoul

Copyright 2021 HoloSoul

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher, except as permitted by copyright law. For permissions contact: [e-mail]

Table of Contents

Chapter 1: How did you get here?

My story

Chapter 2: The toxic parent pandemic

The parent-child relationship

Types of toxic parents

Myths about toxic parents

Chapter 3: How trauma works

The nature of trauma

Is this you?

Chapter 4: The lotus model

Chapter 5: Recalibrate

Chapter 6: Rewire

Chapter 7: Reparent

Chapter 8: Rebirth

Chapter 9: Rebuild

Chapter 10: Lessons

For my readers.

Thank you for your time and trust.

This one’s for you.

Why this book?

This book is the guidebook dedicated to the younger me or if you may, the old version of myself. It is a personal heirloom of the philosophies and pearls of wisdom I wish I had 15 years ago when I was struggling with my own relationship with my parents. I often wished all those years ago for a book just like this one to fall on my lap, tell me exactly what I should do and help me heal, grow and fix my life. Though I am on the other side having resolved and changed the toxic dynamics that existed between my parents and myself, I believe and hope that what I learnt in order to overcome this may very well save you pain, time (figuring it out yourself), money (on therapy), lots of tears and even save your life. I won't deny that this might bring me some good karma, but I trust it will do the same for you.

I kindly ask that you share this book or recommend it to anyone in need of it. Sometimes you don’t know how much pain someone is in and you may even end up saving a life. When you will share this from a place of unconditional and deep love, compassion and understanding. This will bring you and those you share this with great karmic energy, grace and compassion in their own journeys. I share my dharma with you so as you read and practice these teachings, know that you are not alone. You stand with me and the many that came before me and stood with me as they too shared their dharma and merits. Love, light and positivity illuminate your path to healing, joy and freedom.

In the ever so compassionate words of great meditation teacher S.N Goenka, May you be happy, be peaceful and be liberated!

How to get the most out of this book

This is a simple and straightforward book that follows a simple logical and easy to follow order. If there are any parts or points you disagree with, simply ignore them and use what you want. Try not to read it like a novel because you are going to interrogate, interact with and transform very significant pain points in your life so you will need to take the appropriate amount of time and care to do so. This is both a book to read and a workbook to complete. There are spaces left for you to answer questions posed in the exercises and activities throughout this book as well as Notes sections after each chapter for you to note down what you have learnt and contemplate the chapter. If you got a digital version of this book, you could get a separate notebook to answer, contemplate and doodle on.

This book is packed so do not try to get, understand and assimilate all the information now. As you gain more insight, grow, your perception changes and resistances begin to fade away; you will more likely begin to understand better, see things you didn't before and in some cases the next time you read it, you may feel like it’s a completely different book. Do not fret much about this because as you change and heal, so will your understanding and perception. When you are ready to receive and learn, the lessons will be waiting for you. If by any chance you get nothing from this book at all, don't worry because the power of the planted seed is unimaginable. Finally, this is not a onetime read. I may be too bold in this comparison but to me it's just like the bible. You can always learn from it.

The first 3 chapters get into and explain toxic parent child relationships to give you a firm grasp and understanding of the situation you are in. You may learn some new things about your current predicament that you may have not been aware of and you may also come to appreciate the severity of some things you already knew. Regardless of what it is that you gain, learn and become aware of, these chapters give you a clear and vivid bird’s eye view of your predicament.

Chapter 4-8 introduces a 4-step process to transforming your relationship with your parents. Each step is broken down in a dedicated chapter of its own. It is very crucial to understand and implement all the steps in order to attain the best & longest lasting results pertaining to your relationship with your parents. Each chapter has some questions and exercises. Please ensure that you do them. They are for your own good and understanding. They will challenge and transform your belief system, bring into your awareness certain hidden traits and map a way forward for you to begin transforming your life. The final chapter is a compilation of some important lessons I wanted to share with you. These lessons will further aid in your journey.

Tips

1.Set some time aside

Please ensure that you schedule and set adequate time to read this book and limit distractions for this time period i.e. phones on silent, turn off notifications and tell the people you live with not to disturb you. This is not a novel that you are going to swiftly peruse through in one sitting. It is interactive and instructional, so you will need to take breaks from reading to practice, contemplate, review and complete exercises. It is more like a textbook.

2.Give it your full attention

It is very important that you are in a relaxed and receptive mode when you read this. Jim Kwik encourages us to keep the following in mind as we read to decrease the learning curve and increase the chances of success: how can I use this? Why must I use this? When will I use this? In addition to that, forget about the rest of your life and problems for the duration of your scheduled time and trust that you can deal with anything when you are done. This will free you to be completely present in the moment.

3.Baby steps

Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither were you. Make sure that you do not bite more than you can chew and overwhelm yourself. This will lead you to giving up and tapping out prematurely. This is a marathon, and you are playing for the long haul.

4.Commit

Commit to you and your wellbeing over everything else come hell or high waters.

Toxic Parent Quiz

According to lifehack, most parents do their best to provide their children with a happy and healthy upbringing. However, even these individuals can unintentionally make mistakes that could hurt and traumatize their kids and may even cause the above unhealthy coping mechanisms and destructive behaviors. Unfortunately, some parents go well over the occasional mistake and veer into the toxic category. Regardless of whether a parent is purposefully being toxic, there are several behaviors that can cause emotional and mental damage to a child/adult that it ends up greatly affecting them even after they have grown up. You can use this quiz below to determine which kind of parent you have as well as the degree & severity of toxicity you have been exposed to.

Instructions:

Choose just one of your parents to take this quiz on at a time. You can repeat this quiz with your other parents, in-law or guardians. Try to be as honest as possible with each of your answers. Give ratings 1-5 for your answers based on whether the statements apply to you. 1 if you strongly disagree, 2 if you disagree,3 if you are neutral, 4 if you agree and 5 if you strongly agree. The statements are presented in the present tense, but you may still use the higher ratings if the statement applied in the past but not currently in the present moment. This is because regardless of when it happened or whether it still happens, it is most likely that the events still impact your life today. This isn’t about criticizing your parents; it’s about taking an objective inventory of your own experience.

TOTAL…………………………………………………………..

Once you have completed this quiz, you can add up all the ratings you have and calculate the total. The lowest possible score you can get for each parent is 30/130 and highest possible score is 130/130. The lower it is, the less the level of toxicity and the higher it is, the higher the level of toxicity. This quiz aims to give you a rough idea of the level of trauma you may have sustained based on the level of toxicity you are/were exposed to from your parents.

Chapter 1

How did you get here?

Why did you decide to read this book? How did it find its way to you? What called you to it or it to you? Why did you buy it? No one held a gun to your head and told you to do it (at least I hope not). I assume you are not being paid to do it. And I’m sure that there are many more pass-times you would much rather be filling your precious time doing, but you are here for what I can only assume is an important and pressing matter. I may not know you personally or may never even meet you in this lifetime, but I do know that the fact you are reading this book, it is very likely that you have and/or had a toxic relationship with your parents, guardians and/or in-laws. The nature of this toxic relationship at this point does not matter. It may be abusive, controlling, manipulative, insulting, intrusive, disrespectful, etc. All that matters is that this relationship dynamic has left you scarred, hurt, traumatized, frustrated and even broken.

Just as you may accidentally crack or break your favorite plate or cup, we too can be broken, bruised, cracked or bent by the events and people we encounter. When this happens, we can simply throw out the remnants of said plate or cup and replace it. For obvious reasons, we can’t exactly throw ourselves out and replace ourselves when this happens. However, this doesn't mean that we are doomed for life nor that we must live a broken & damaged life for eternity. Instead, we can relish the scars & imperfections; and learn to turn these scars into art like kintsugi (金継ぎ): an ancient Japanese practice that beautifies broken pottery by filling the cracks and holding the broken pieces together with gold. This is a physical manifestation of resilience which not only celebrates these married vessels but also emphasizes the beauty, uniqueness and utility of breaks and imperfections. Kintsugi is also known as gold splicing and literally means gold mending. With this book you too can be born anew. Think of the knowledge you will gain here as the golden adhesive for your trauma and broken pieces from the toxic you have with your parents, guardians and/or in-laws.

You have cried many nights and lost sleep over what your mother or father did to you. If you had a dollar for every time you said to your mum or dad or thought to yourself I can't believe you just said that to me you would be worth millions by now. Of course, then there are the countless threats of bodily harm and disownment that you have received from them that left you feeling like shit, terrified and like you best get in line or get tossed the fuck out. Sometimes you wonder who on earth says that to another human being when your parents come up with the most inventive and colorful insults and derogatory terms that hit so far below the belt, even the devil himself would say you’ve gone too far! Quite often you are left with your mouth hanging wide open because somehow an innocent and frivolous small interaction or conversation with your parents has somehow turned into a beatdown on you, insult marathon and my personal favorite, the demeaning, disrespectful and downright I’m coming for your throat lecture and attack on you.

You have spent hours, weeks, months and even years (though I hope not) rehearsing, studying and training to ask and tell your mum or dad for some basic things like money for a school trip, permission to see your birth