The Romantic Terrorist

By Mary June Makoul and Lyn Kelley

According to Dr. Michelle Ward, Criminal Psychologist and narrator of the hit TV reality show “Stalked: Someone’s Watching You,” over three million people a year are stalked, over two-thirds of them women. Ninety percent of women killed by husbands or boyfriends had first been stalked. The U.S. Department of Justice estimates that one in 10 women and one in 35 men in the U.S. have been or will be stalked sometime in the future. Among celebrities and other high-profile people alone, the statistics are staggering, and are on the increase. This book is written for everyone – it doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, gay or straight, young or old, large or small. Bullying, stalking, harassment, revenge and threatening behaviors by someone you know can happen to anyone – and it’s probably already happened to you. We focus predominantly on “romantic” relationships, but these principles apply to anyone in your life. For example, many people have been victims of harassment by neighbors, coworkers, bosses, teachers, friends, acquaintances, family members, strangers and hired help. It is not uncommon to suffer harassment by someone you barely know, or someone you’ve never met – someone who has been watching you and/or studying you without your knowledge (as in Celebrity Stalking). Our main goal in this book is to assist you in becoming more aware of when someone is controlling, manipulating, harassing, bullying, stalking or threatening you, and empower you to respond in ways that will protect you. Controlling, manipulative, and/or threatening behaviors often turn into turn violence. If you find yourself in a situation with any of these types of people, you will learn how to manage them and yourself. Some of the chapters included are:
--The Rejected Lover
--Is it Love or Obsession?
--Controlling and Manipulative Ploys
--Dr. Jekyll -- Mr. Hyde Types
--The Romantic Bully
--Emotional Blackmail
--Cyberstalking and Spying
--Handling Dangerous Situations
--Protective Orders and Legal Action
--Best Strategies to Stop the Insanity!
--Post-Traumatic Stress
--Battered Persons' Syndrome
--Effective Formula for Conflict Resolution
--De-Escalation Training
--Grieving, Moving On and Thriving
--Positive Affirmations and New Commitments
We walk you through the entire process and give you our best strategies and advice every step of the way. Only YOU can implement it, and our hope is that you WILL.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Mary June Makoul
• Release date: Jan 21, 2015
• ISBN: 9781310203251

Mary June Makoul

Mary June Makoul, CPCMary June is a collaborative, solution-focused Certified Professional Coach,Marketing Consultant and Author living in San Diego and working with a broadspectrum of clients. As a Professional Life Coach, Ms. Makoul works with individuals fromall walks of life to help attain their goals in all areas including relationships,career, finance, health and more. For more information, please visit www.maryjunemakoul.com.

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The Romantic Terrorist: Protect Yourself from Stalking, Bullying, Harassment and Threats

Authors, Mary June Makoul, CPC and Lyn Kelley, Ph.D., CPC

Certified Professional Coaches

"Our mission is to provide understanding, comfort, knowledge,

wisdom and personal power in relationships."

What others are saying about this book:

The authors tell it like it is. After I read this book I feel I have grown by leaps and bounds due to their honest, straight, real information. I feel so much more confident in dating now, and I’m not wasting time with men who are wrong for me. This was worth more than 100 times the cost of the books to me. I highly recommend this book.

--Tanya Murray, San Diego, CA

I was stalked and bullied by a very controlling man. I now know the tactics they use and will never again be taken by them! Now I know how to protect myself – not just with men but with anyone who tries to control or manipulate me. The tips I got were worth way more than the cost of this book.

--Kristin Anne, San Diego, CA

Published by Mary June Makoul and Lyn Kelley and distributed at www.Smashwords.com

Copyright 2013 Mary June Makoul and Lyn Kelley

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The Romantic Terrorist:

Protect Yourself from Stalking,

Bullying, Harassment and Threats

By Lyn Kelley and Mary June Makoul

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction

Chapter One: When Love Goes Bad

Fairy Tales

The Rejected Lover

You Break Up But He/She Can’t Let You Go

You Don’t Know a Person Until You Break Up With Him/Her

Is It Love or Obsession?

Chapter Two: The Controlling Personality: How to Spot It

What is Control and When is it Destructive?

The Two Main Types of Control

The Misogynist

The Controlling Scale

Controlling and Manipulative Ploys

Tactics Used to Control, Manipulate and Scare You

Controlling Behaviors That Are Typically More Female

The Mind of the Controller Turned Stalker

How We Get Hooked on Controlling People

Chapter Three: Stalking and Bullying

What is Stalking?

The Psychology of Stalking

Types of Stalkers

Celebrity Stalking

The Dr. Jekyll – Mr. Hyde Personality

Putting a Stop to Stalking

What is Bullying?

The Romantic Bully

What is Emotional Blackmail?

The Stalker Ex-Boyfriend/Girlfriend – True Stories

Chapter Four: Technology Stalking and Spying

Use of Technology to Stalk

Telephone Technologies

Location and Surveillance Technologies

Computer and Internet Technologies

Technology Safety Planning

Chapter Five: Best Ways to Manage a Perpetrator

Never Tolerate Abuse

How to Respond to the Stalker

How to Protect Yourself in a Dangerous Situation

What to Do if You’re Being Stalked

How to De-Escalate the Situation

7 Steps to De-Escalation

Sample Letters to Protect Yourself

Protective Orders

Reasons to File a Restraining Order

How to File a Harassment Restraining Order

How to File a Stalking Restraining Order

How to File a Domestic Violence Restraining Order

Chapter Six: Stop the Insanity!

How Do I End It?

Should We Just Take a Break?

Can We Remain Friends?

Personal Boundaries

When to Amputate

Drop the Need for Revenge

The 7 Worst Things You Can Do

The 7 Best Ways to Move On

Chapter Seven: How We Get Hooked On Toxic People

Addictive Relationships

Oxytocin

Passivity and Dependency

Co-Dependency and Enmeshment

Chapter Eight: Recovery

How to Stop the Cycle

Dating Detox

Post-Traumatic Stress (PTSD)

Battered Person’s Syndrome (BPS)

The Grieving Process

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Sadness, Disappointment, Depression

How to Get Through the Pain

Acceptance

Healing

Reintegration

Chapter Nine: Moving On and Thriving

Your Five Guiding Forces

Lead With Your Head

Trust Your Gut

How to Use Your Chi

The 3 C’s to Watch Out For

Chapter Ten: What is a Normal Relationship?

The 9 Worst Character Traits for Relationships

The 3 A’s

B.A.I.T.E.R.S.

9 Best Character Traits for a Relationship

Stages of a Normal Relationship

Honeymoon

Disillusionment

The Switch

Conflict and Negotiation

Formula for Effective Conflict Resolution

Plateau

Commitment

Chapter Eleven: Comes the Dawn – Spiritual Healing

Poems

Daily Affirmations

Your 10 Commandments for Relationships

New Commitments

Helpful Resources & Websites

Bibliography

Introduction

According to Dr. Michelle Ward, Criminal Psychologist and narrator of the hit TV reality show Stalked: Someone’s Watching You, over three million people a year are stalked, over two-thirds of them women. Ninety percent of women killed by husbands or boyfriends had first been stalked. The U.S. Department of Justice estimates that one in 10 women and one in 35 men in the U.S. have been or will be stalked sometime in the future. Among celebrities and other high-profile people alone, one security company has amassed over 300,000 communications. These statistics are staggering, and are on the increase.

Threatening behaviors can show up as direct threats, bullying, harassment, stalking, or any other behavior that has the intention of instilling fear as a means of control. For lack of a better term that encompasses all types of threatening behaviors, we’ll refer to this person as a stalker. Stalking is the most common term used today to describe these types of behaviors, although there are many different forms of harassment, which we will describe later.

Usually the stalker’s aggression is not obvious. Our gut may tell us they are fighting for or against something and we find ourselves on the defensive. But because we can’t point to clear, objective evidence, we can’t really validate our feelings. The first red flags are control and manipulation. The tactics of manipulators can make it seem like they’re hurting, caring or defending – anything but fighting! These tactics are merely clever ploys. We describe all these clever ploys later. They always make just enough sense to make you doubt your own gut hunch. Anyone can be vulnerable. It’s hard to think clearly when someone has you emotionally on the run.

While most stalkers only threaten harm, many actually carry out their threats. They may begin with damaging property or harming pets, continually upping the ante until they have harmed you or someone you love. With the rise in popularity of the Internet, cyber-stalking has become yet another avenue of danger. Many stalkers have a prior criminal record and show evidence of substance abuse, a mood disorder, a personality disorder, an anti-social disorder or psychosis. At least half of all stalkers threaten their victims, which increase the possibility of violence. Stalkers become violent about 30% of the time, most of which occurs between people who have been romantically involved in the past.

The unrelenting harassment causes great emotional stress in the targeted victims. Some people lose their jobs or have to change their identity and move. They may suffer from extreme anxiety, sleep disorders and depression. Some consider suicide. If they have family members or children who are brought under the threat umbrella, they suffer even more from guilt and fear for the others. Even if these incidents get reported, restraining laws can do little against the verbal harassment. In fact some laws require that there be a genuine risk of danger or a pattern of incidents or an actual threat to one’s life before formal protection is offered.

There's a fine line between the overzealous pursuer and the stalker. Stalking is much more about inducing fear. It involves such things as constant calling, texting, emails, repeated boxes of candy, flowers or clothing, showing up at your house, putting things through your mail slot, notes on your car -- even though you've asked them to stop.

Usually the victim is completely shocked when her pursuer turns into a harasser. Most say they would never have guessed that this person could turn into such a monster while they were dating the person. In fact, in nearly every case, the victim had always felt that the stalker would protect her. It is very difficult to wrap one’s mind around the fact that the person who once was their greatest protector is now their greatest threat. The person who once was their greatest fan is not their greatest enemy. The stalker wears a mask of charm. They're the kindest, nicest people. Early on they give no clues to this side of their personality. But eventually clues begin to show up – for example, when your email provider locks you out because you've logged your password incorrectly too many times, or he knows where you’ve been when you weren’t together, or he threatens to tell someone you love about something which would hurt your relationship with your loved one.

In most cases, the stalker becomes obsessed with you, and is convinced you are his ideal partner. He may even fantasize that you are in love with him. He often has narcissistic personality disorder along with very low self-esteem. He believes he is the most important person in the world – except for you, of course. He tries to convince you he would do anything for you – even die for you. This is a statement not to take lightly, since about 50% of murders toward lovers or former lovers are murder-suicides.

About the Authors

After we had known each other a number of years and had become better friends, we learned that we had both been victims of all the types of behaviors we write about in this book. We had several friends who had been victims as well. We realized there were so many people out there who had suffered from these types of perpetrators that we started doing some research on the subject. Lots of books have been written on self-defense, handling difficult people, bullying, rape prevention, etc. But we found no books that really zeroed in on the victims of threatening behaviors and how they could protect themselves. So we decided we needed to write the book.

Our goal in writing this book is to protect people from harm. This is a very serious issue, and one you cannot push under the rug. You cannot say, This only happens to other people. You cannot say, He/She would never do that to me. You don’t know. You can’t predict. You need to use every strategy available to protect yourself. Studies show that most women who are raped were in serious denial at the beginning of the interaction with the perpetrator. They may have heard footsteps behind them and thought, Oh, it’s just someone out walking. When the footsteps came faster, they thought, Oh, they’re just in a hurry – I shouldn’t be scared – I’m not going to act afraid. When the person actually grabbed them they went into shock and still didn’t get that they were being attacked. By the time they realized they were in danger, it was too late.

We don’t want this to happen to you. For this reason, we will use straight, honest, bold talk. You may not always like what we have to say, but we’re telling you OUR TRUTH. Our truth is based on 30+ years of observation, 30+ years of reports from friends and family, reading every book, report and research article we could find, and most importantly, our own personal experience. We want to prevent others from having to go through the pain and suffering we have. We want to protect you. We want to support you if you’re already in pain, and help you heal. We want to save your life.

This book is written for everyone – it doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, gay or straight, young or old, large or small. Harassment and threatening behaviors by someone you know can happen to anyone – and it’s probably already happened to you. We may sometimes use he or she but just know they can be interchanged. We focus predominantly on romantic relationships, but these principles apply to anyone in your life. For example, many people have been victims of harassment by neighbors, coworkers, bosses, teachers, friends, acquaintances, family members, and hired help. It is not uncommon to suffer harassment by someone you barely know, or someone you’ve never met – someone who has been watching you and/or studying you without your knowledge. Our main goal in this book is to assist you in becoming more aware of when someone is controlling, manipulating, harassing, bullying, stalking or threatening you, and empower you to respond in appropriate ways.

Everything we tell you in this book has been tried and tested over and over in the research. We tell you what has proven to work the majority of the time. There is no one perfect solution, however. Only you can decide what is best for you according to your unique situation.

Our hope is this book will assist you in recognizing the signs of controlling, manipulative, and/or threatening behavior and give you some strategies for dealing with it. If you find yourself in a relationship with a stalker you need to pull yourself