Healing Answers from a Survivor: To Survive and Recover from Any Abuse Is a Healing That We Can All Achieve.

By Wendy Edwards

Healing Answers from a Survivor includes pages of practical information and strategies to make your journey from victim to survivor a possibility. I have included every aspect of surviving abuse that I have personally encountered. Consequently, it is a very detailed and comprehensive book spanning most areas. There are countless situations that arise from having been abused, and I have included the answers that I used to help me to recover.
Regardless of our stories, the emotions that we experience are all the same; indeed, conditional and unconditional love, sorrow, fear, anxiety, hate, and anger all feature strongly with abuse. Our body issues, emotional problems, and issues with power and control are discussed.
Remembering the abuse and facing the heartbreaking truth are all part of the healing process. Ultimately, to heal we need to acknowledge and release the accompanying emotions, break our previously learned patterns of behavior, and focus positively on our recovery, both now and into the future. Most importantly, we need to become survivors, not victims, martyrs, rescuers, or abusers.
I believe that true recovery comes when we heal and become survivors by standing in our truth and taking full responsibility for our lives. It is possible to heal, take back your personal power, and become a survivor, like I did.
With love, Wendy x

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press AU
• Release date: Jul 26, 2012
• ISBN: 9781452505916

Wendy Edwards

I am an ordinary person with an extraordinary past which has shaped my life. It is because I have survived and healed from many types of abuse that I have the knowledge and understanding to guide and teach others who are on a similar path.

Book preview

Healing Answers  

 from a Survivor

To survive and  

 recover from  

 any abuse is a  

 healing that  

 we can all  

 achieve.

WENDY EDWARDS

BalboaLogoBCDARKBW.ai

Copyright © 2012 by Wendy Edwards

Artwork by Wendy Edwards

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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ISBN: 978-1-4525-0590-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-0591-6 (e)

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Balboa Press rev. date: 7/10/2012

Contents

Acknowledgements

Introduction

Facing the Truth

Where my story began

Remembering

Memories

Helping yourself to remember the past

Feeling crazy

Telling your children

Losing contact with your family

The guilt of not remembering

Standing alone

Decision time

Shifting the power

Losing your family

Detaching from others

Insensitive people

When your abuser is sick or dying

Losing money

From victim to survivor

Beginning recovery

The dark days

Dealing with unexpected information

Getting help

Writing and music

Visualization

Clearing the past

Getting help from others

Being a victim/martyr

Being a rescuer

Being an abuser

In conclusion

How Abuse Changes Our Lives

Types of abuse

How to recognize an abusive personality

Verbal abuse

Emotional abuse

Mental abuse

Financial abuse

Social abuse

Time abuse

Cyber abuse

Sexual abuse

Pornography

Physical abuse

Physical neglect

Self-mutilation

Torture

Spectator abuse

Understanding triggers and addictions

Identifying your triggers

Social triggers

Authority and abusive figures

Media

Eating issues

Exercise junkies

Alcohol

Smoking and drugs

Sexual addiction

Gambling

Shopping addiction

Workaholics

In conclusion

Healing Our Issues

Loving your beautiful body

The body

Pain threshold

Feeling unclean

Sleeping problems

Fatigue

Illness

Blocks

Dissociation

Personal issues

Feeling different

Feeling invisible

Feeling disconnected from others

Risks

Being perfect

Approval

Feeling vulnerable

Sexual issues

Frigidity

Being promiscuous

Facing abuse

Other issues

Too close for comfort

Emotional blackmail

Conned by the abuser

Denial

Criticism

Listening

Listening to others

Humor

In conclusion

Understanding  

 Our Emotions

Love

Past love

Loving yourself

Loving estranged family and friends

Love for your own family

Sorrow

The sadness

Tears

Grief

Disappointment

Feeling lost

Depression

Suicide

Fear

Constant fear

Free-floating anxiety

Fearing death and illness

Genetic fear

Fear of dentists and doctors

Fear of playing games

Hate

The unpopular emotion of hate

Hating yourself

Anger

Anger at the parent

Frustration

Guilt

In conclusion

The Differences between Love and Power

Understanding love and power

Conditional and unconditional love

Power disguised as love

Abusers in control

Your issues with feeling powerless

Your control issues

Positive and negative manipulation

Recognizing manipulation in others

Being used and manipulated

Aggressive and assertive behaviors

In conclusion

Working towards  

 Healthy Relationships

Being in relationships

Problems

Personal relationships

Trust

Trusting the world

Trusting your feelings

Loyalty

Betrayal

Jealousy

Sabotage

Your walls

Breaking down our walls

Boundaries

Neediness

Is it love or need?

Intimacy

Ways to find emotional intimacy

Codependency

Creating harmony

Living in disharmony

In conclusion

Looking to the Future

Finding peace

The never-ending story

Forgiveness

Creating your peace at home

Freedom

Free to be me

Choosing happiness

Moving on

Last thoughts

Acknowledgements

Thanks to my family and friends who have loved and supported me during this challenging time.

Special thanks to my husband Ray for helping me with the editing and the publishing of this book.

True recovery comes when we heal and become survivors

by standing in our truth and taking full

responsibility for our lives.

Introduction

I wrote this book essentially for all of us who have experienced abuse. Of course, my story will be different to yours, but the underlying emotions and issues will be similar.

Our world is full of abuse. It happens in our homes, our communities and our work places and, sadly, no one is immune from it. Abuse can begin in our childhoods and continue well into old age; it also crosses all boundaries regardless of class, color or creed. In addition, abusers come in all guises.

In this book, I have tried to cover all the angles of dealing with abuse, partly from my personal experiences and also from what I have observed in others. My earlier life was particularly difficult. Therefore, my experiences include various forms of abuse. Some will be pertinent to you, while other parts you may wish to skip. Your story will be unlike mine in content; however, I feel we all suffer the same damage. In my case, the abusers were my father and mother, whereas yours may be a husband/wife, friend or work colleague.

This book is packed full of information and presented in short and well-labeled sections so that you can literally pick and choose. As we come from various abusive situations, it is paramount that you choose to read the parts of this book that resonate with you. In a sense, it will be as a workbook that you may reread and return to as you work through different issues.

In addition to writing for the abused, I hope that those who live with us and therapists who are engaged in helping us can gain some new insights into our world by reading this book.

Given time and work, I believe that we can all heal from the negative effects of abuse. Perhaps it will take decades and be an ongoing journey; however, I believe that healing can be achieved.

With love,

Wendy x

Facing the Truth

It is in remembering and dealing with the past that

we reclaim ourselves again.

Where my story began

Remembering

The best thing about the last few years was remembering the abuse; however, the worst thing about the last few years was also remembering the abuse. It has only been through facing the truth that I began to feel whole again.

Coming from an abusive past you live two lives, the earlier life during the abuse, and the one after. If you are reading this book, you may be in the process of remembering and beginning to face the past. However, remembering does not mean you are actually dealing with your past. Once the memories start surfacing, and the emotions begin releasing, you have two choices. You can push them down again, or begin to deal with them at last.

Remembering the abuse and allowing the feelings to come up is painful. It can be sad and disappointing; it can make you angry. However, finally, you can begin to understand yourself. Each person’s story may be different, yet the emotions will be the same. In my experience, the predominant feelings are fear, anger, hate and sorrow. Added to this are the countless tears we need to cry.

Nothing can prepare you for the reality of remembering. I had blocked out most of my childhood. Then one day all the memories came flooding back into my life. It was a very confusing time as the way I had remembered the past was conflicting with my new memories. Coming to terms with that was very difficult and the new memories are very hard to accept as they question your recollections from the past. During this time, I frequently questioned my sanity.

It is important that you take it slowly. The initial stage can be shocking and unbelievable. It can be like a dream that you want to wake up from. However, facing the truth will be the best thing that you can ever do for yourself.

Memories

People from normal lives easily recall what happened to them as a child. However, those from abusive childhoods and adult abuse may have very poor recall. It is very frustrating to be unable to remember huge chunks of your past. Generally, survivors who remember the abuse later in their life can also have great difficulty trying to make sense of these memories.

At first, I had nightmares. It is very common for people to start dreaming before the memories begin to surface. The dreams are like the beginning of remembering; indeed, it is a safe place to start. I had lots of dreams while the abuse was surfacing. They were graphic dreams full of fear and violence, and many dreams that involved being chased. Terror and fear dominated the nightmares. I would wake up sweating and with my heart pounding. Frequently, I would feel like I was paralyzed, unable to move. This was obviously the old terror and fear locking up my physical body. My dreams lasted for years, ebbing and flowing according to where I was in the process. Don’t be disheartened if you stop having them, and then they return. You aren’t going backwards.

Our dreams are part of the healing process. They enable us to experience our deepest emotions in a detached way until we are ready to deal with them in our real life. I recorded some of my nightmares, and it really helped me in understanding more about myself. I focused on the predominant emotion in the dream, not the actual details. In this way, I could connect into the basic emotion I was trying to deal with. Sometimes it was fear, while other times it was anger.

During this period, flashbacks began to interrupt my daily life. Anyone who has experienced flashbacks will understand the frustration they bring with them. It’s like watching the trailer of a movie and trying to work out the storyline. Flashbacks are so quick that it can be hard to access the information coming through. As fast as it comes, it’s gone again. Unfortunately, flashbacks can be vivid and upsetting. Some days I could have the same flashback over and over again.

Try to allow the dreams and flashbacks to surface. Although you might not understand them all, they are releasing these trapped emotions. It is a good thing for once they are released the healing can follow. Keep in mind that once you embark on the journey, there will be much work to do, so be sure to get the help you need along the way.

Helping yourself to remember the past

Remembering the past was my greatest challenge. Everything was fairly misty before the age of ten or eleven. Casting my mind back to my childhood days, I searched for forgotten pieces of the puzzle. To trigger the memories, I dragged out photos from my earlier life and looked over them carefully.

When you go back it is amazing what you start to remember. This was a non-threatening way to gather information about that time. I believe that every door we open gets us closer to the truth and our real past. In a way, as survivors of childhood abuse we are reclaiming our childhood.

Relatives might be able to help fill in some of the gaps. Maybe they can tell you more about the house you lived in, the old neighborhood and unknown facts about other family members. Use everything at your disposal to retrieve your past. Like a big jigsaw puzzle, the picture will become clearer in time. Normally, the memories you retrieve all link into one another and given time your earlier life may begin to take shape.

Sometimes we will have a recurring memory, even though we don’t know why. Ever since I was young I have remembered this little girl in my ballet class. She was just sitting on the floor gouging into her skin with her fingernails. When I finally began to address the role my mother played in the abuse, I found a connection with this memory. I remembered my mother with cuts and bruises all over her. At last, the connection between the two memories made sense.

I noticed that once I began then lots of memories surfaced. It was lovely to remember familiar places and items from my childhood. In going back, not all the memories were disappointing. I remembered happy times as well. In this safe place, I knew that when I was ready other less pleasant memories could surface. For me, it was like piecing my past back together, and even though some parts were awful, I now owned them all and in doing so, reclaimed back my earlier life. It was as a blessing.

Feeling crazy

When the memories start to come back, you can have days when you feel that you are going insane. Normally, this phase lasts until you can get your head around all the awful information coming up. Regardless of how it feels you are not going insane!

If you are involved with your abuser at this time, he or she may tell you that you are unstable, or even crazy. During this phase, you will be very vulnerable as it can tap into your own fears. Be very careful, stay in your own space, and know that in time, you will become stronger. When I began to remember, I was in contact with my family. My father told me that I was mentally unstable and suggested I go to a psychiatrist. Remember that the whistle-blower is generally called crazy.

During this time, I constantly checked with my immediate family and friends for any signs of mental problems. I needed an objective view at this crucial time. On one side, I had my old family accusing me of being crazy, and my close friends reassuring me that I was okay.

Truly, a part of me would rather have been insane than to have to face the terrible truth. I also knew that with one step back, I could have retracted everything, and that I would have been accepted back into my first family. Wanting to be included back in this family was a very strong desire in the beginning. However, when you have lived with an abuser, you know never to cross them. Although the idea of going back was tempting, there was always going to be a price to pay. The years ahead would be filled with constant references to my mental instability, and the subject would be dredged up repeatedly.

The decision to stand by my beliefs was extremely difficult, but necessary to retain any sense of truth and honor. For me, it would have been impossible to go back and pretend I had lied. I could not lie anymore even if it meant losing my father and sister. Deep down, I knew I could survive without them.

You may feel the same so keep strong and courageous, even in the line of fire. We can all make it through because we are standing in the truth.

Telling your children

When you first start to remember the abuse, you have to decide how you are going to explain it all to your children. The ages of your children will be a big consideration. When I told mine, they were nine, thirteen and sixteen.

Initially, I did not tell them the details of the abuse. To be honest, I was having a tough time trying to sort it out in my own head. You may need to give yourself time to access all the relevant information before you can face others. In the end, I decided to say that my father, sister and I were having a disagreement; my mother had died years before. Without discussing the details, I explained that I was very upset with my dad and sister. It is important to explain to your children that they are not the reason for your obvious unhappiness. Children are extremely intuitive, and so they are going to be unsettled by your emotional behavior.

My father and sister wanted me to retract what I had said or face alienation from them. My husband and I decided to stand our ground. So we sat the boys down and talked to them.

Abuse has many areas and adult themes. Older children have an understanding of abuse and the implications, so they can simply be told the truth. Younger ones may need to be told about the abuse in another way. All children have different maturity levels, so you need to tailor your explanations.

Don’t rush in to tell the children until you can cope yourself. The day I told my sons the truth was very challenging. I was choking on my words as I spoke. Honestly, verbalizing the truth made it so much more real. In addition, during the first few months, Ray and I tried to get some space from the kids when we needed to talk about it all. In general, we tried to keep life as normal as possible.

Together with our extended family we had spent a lot of celebrations as one big family. With half the family gone, everything seemed so much smaller. Like us, you may need to change the traditional ways your family celebrates special occasions. We supplemented the boys’ birthdays and Christmas in an effort to fill the gap. On these occasions, we invited lots of friends into the house. You too may need to work out ways to soften the blow for your children. It is important for us to recognize that although they are not responsible for the split that they will be directly affected.

Losing contact with your family

Denial is like a dark shroud that keeps the abuse hidden from the rest of the world. Be aware that by remembering your abuse, you can lose everyone in your family. Unfortunately, these families will fight to keep the secret, and the whistle-blower can be the casualty. Once you begin to tell the truth, all the family doors can close quickly.

Normally, family members will fight to retain the image everyone has constructed of the perfect,