Who Holds the Magic Wand?: Real Coaching Stories

By Dilek Yildirim Akgun

This book is for leaders, coaches and people who desire to learn what happens in coaching sessions.

“Who Holds The Magic Wand ? ”, contains real coaching stories. The book aims to make people understand coaching better through real stories. It’s seen as one of the unique examples amongst coaching books.

An executive coach who worked with hundreds of people had the opportunity to enter into many stories of transformation; triggered the awareness that led to great journeys. This book contains seven different stories which are let in the reader to live in these stories .

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Nov 30, 2014
• ISBN: 9781483543987

Book preview

Stairs

CAN YOU SIGN AN AGREEMENT WITH LIFE?

The weather has turned and a northeast wind is blowing. The sky, with the exception of a few white puffs of cloud, is a clear blue. My first appointment for the day is in five minutes, at ten o’clock.

I take my cup, drink in the smell of fresh coffee, wrap my cardigan a little bit tighter around me and step out on the balcony. A slight chill runs through me as I breathe in the fresh air. A white boat passes by Kandilli. It must be the Beggars Boat that travels between two ends of The Bosphorus , stopping at every dock along the way. It was this stopping at many docks that gave them their name and somehow the name stuck.

Of course, there aren’t any beggars anymore either, going from door to door asking for a cup of food. My thoughts drift to how small motorboats have taken over from these beautiful old boats. Feeling sorrow, I hold on to it for a few minutes before I let it go.

In five minutes, I will focus only on the person before me, leave everything else aside and take my place in my coach’s chair.

The excitement of working with someone new makes my heart soar but my head is calm. Leaving all my thoughts and judgments aside I calmly step back in from the balcony and close the door behind me.

Just on time, the bell rings and I open the door. Footsteps climb up from the entrance, their sound uncertain. Before me wearing a dark grey and navy chequered jacket, a light pink shirt and a flowery tie, stands a man in his thirties. I put out my hand, say welcome and invite him in. Even though I am disconcerted when he only extends his fingertips to shake my hand, I put this thought aside knowing later I will find an opportunity to ask him to give me a firm handshake. I ask him how he is.

As I go to the kitchen to make us coffee, I ask him to sit wherever he feels comfortable. When I return to his side, coffee cups in hand, I find him sitting uncomfortably at the edge of the dark brown leather armchair by the window. I hand him his coffee, sit in the chair across from him and begin to talk about what coaching is, the boundaries of our professional relationship and about who I am. Together we begin to design our relationship. Explaining our principle of confidentiality, I stress the importance of being open and direct with one another. I ask permission to give feedback and to use my intuition. I speak about coaching being a bridge between now and the future, about how all the answers are within him and about how I will listen to him without judgment and with the curiosity of a child.

He asks me questions, wants to get to know me. As his questions find answers he begins to sit back in his chair.

Then it is time for my questions. We speak about him, the challenges of his position and his goals.

He talks about his role, about part of his role being that of an assistant manager and about how he likes his works. I point out to him that as he answers my questions and when we speak about him specifically he doesn’t look at me but looks outside and rolls his words together. Then I ask him how he feels.

-Sorry, I was thinking and must have drifted off.

-What are you thinking about?

He gets up, takes off his jacket and I notice that despite the coolness of the room he has been sweating.

Reminding him that the coaching relationship is based on trust and open communication, I ask once again how he is feeling. After some moments of silence, he tries to look up at me.

-I’m nervous, excited.

Saying how he feels out loud, and maybe for the first time, works and his body relaxes. Reaching over to the table next to him he takes out a few tissues and wipes off the sweat from his forehead as he takes a deep breath. Outside the wind blows.

-I’m always this nervous actually.

He pauses for a while and then continues.

-When I’m in a group or speaking to someone from management, I get excited and nervous.

-What do you feel when you are nervous like this?

-Like I have two left feet. My voice shakes, I can’t make eye contact, my mouth gets dry and my heart beats faster.

He brings his hands together and I notice that he squeezes his left hand with his right, rubbing them together.

-I can’t even answer questions I know the answers to. I end up saying yes, no or okay. I can’t really defend myself even when I’m right, I’m not convincing and I lose confidence in myself.

When he asks for water, I offer it in a big glass. He sips the water for a while.

-I think others sense this insecurity.

-How do you know that?

-People don’t like me.

These feelings that come back to back, fast, open and hurtful give me a sense that we have taken the first steps in building the bond of trust between us .

-I’m detailed. I think things in detail and if I’m not nervous, I can give details in my answers. Even if I know the answer most of the time I won’t come forward and speak.

-I am hearing that in some situations you don’t act quite like yourself. And you are aware of this to the point where you can express it clearly.

-True. I can’t act like myself.

-Awareness is an important step. There is something I need to understand. What is happening here? What is it that makes you nervous in this relationship?

I leave the question between us and sit in silence.

He reaches for his coffee, holds the cup between his hands and takes a sip. I notice him swallow and when he answers his voice is low.

-My need to be accepted.

-So, you want to be accepted by me? Where does that need come from?

-Coaching is an opportunity for me. I want to use this well. I want you to like me.

He fidgets in his seat as if he could run at any moment. He must have chosen to stay because he leans back into his seat.

-I sit here as a coach and I accept you as you are and believe you hold all the answers.

He listens in silence.

-Know that I am listening to you without any judgment. In this relationship I don’t have any judgments or world views. There is only you, you are important.

Thinking he might need more time to grasp this process, I encourage him to talk about what he likes about himself.

-Would you like to tell me about your education?

-I was a successful and lucky as a student. I got the chance to study what I wanted and I enjoyed it fully. I did my Masters. I’m an engineer once over so to speak.

He holds his head high, his eyes look ahead but his words don’t flow. Even when we begin to talk about his goals and future plans his expression is erratic and scattered. When I ask a question, he replies before my question ends then stops, remembers something and changes the subject. I can’t keep up with him and time slips away uncontrollably between us. I want to clearly state this to him.

-I want to share something I’ve observed with you.

His legs tighten and he pulls his feet back in toward his chair.

-When we speak you aren’t in the moment, you seem to be somewhere else, maybe into the next sentence.

He looks off into space as if analyzing what I’ve said. He is silent; we are silent. Then the words flow.

-Yes. You could be right. I don’t let my self go with the flow. When I hear your first word it’s as if I know what you are going to say, to ask and I begin to prepare my answer. When you say something I didn’t expect somewhere I think I get lost.

A shadow falls over his face. His eyes look down, as if wanting to disappear into his coffee cup his body seems to shrink.

-You noticed this. Do you think others notice this as well?

As he asks the question he leans forward, curious and worried at the same time.

-I don’t know about others.

Silence.

-Can you use a metaphor for this experience?

-What do you mean?

-Not being able to concentrate when someone is speaking, to be one step ahead, thinking…what would you associate this feeling with?

I hear him say SHADOW between clamped teeth.

-What happened? You seem to be angry at the shadow?

-Of course I’m angry. The other day our CEO sat next to me at lunch. He asked me questions in random conversation, simple questions.

He leans over and picks up a napkin, then presses it into the sweat beads forming on his forehead.

-I clammed up again. I couldn’t even speak about my children. The Shadow took over.

His legs are tight and his feet rhythmically, unconsciously tap on the floor.

-The shadow isn’t here now. We are. This is a safe place, please try to relax.

He continues to speak as if to himself.

-There are constantly things running in my head and because I don’t send out positive energy people keep their distance. It always turns out this way, I can’t overcome the distances.

My question falls softly to the floor.

-How would you act if the Shadow didn’t overtake you?

I feel his distress and with a suggestion I stand up.

-Come, let’s change chairs. Let’s move to the other chairs.

The idea of changing chairs amuses him and he smiles.

-Journey into the future?

-It can be. However you would like it to be.

I walk toward the chairs at the other end of the room. Though he hesitates a bit he still joins in the game.

As he moves into the leather armchairs that stand side by side he asks:

-Can we listen to some music?

I suggest he him select the music he wants to listen to. He chooses Beethoven’s piano sonata. Listening silently to the music for a while makes us both feel better. I repeat my question.

-If the Shadow didn’t takeover, how would you act?

He smiles as he speaks about the person he would like to be.

-Someone who can react and show his reaction, not just mechanical but also emotional, easy with words, someone who has lived the life he wanted to, someone who doesn’t neglect.

-I believe these qualities are the potential within you, waiting to be released.

A question takes shape in my mind. I think on it for a while it becomes clear and then goes.

-It’s interesting that you said you were neglectful. You had told me how meticulous you were so I’m confused. I wonder, what would change in your life were you not neglectful?

His eyes shine, his voice grows soft.

-I’d spend more time with my children. I have two sons. I’m very hard on the elder one. I would work to create an emotional connection with him

It’s as if someone else is sitting before me now. He speaks not with anxiety but with longing and passion.

-I would like stop dominating, to stop showing the right through the wrong, to allow him to express himself, to ask questions, to move out of serious and to play more with him.

-You put that so well.

-Maybe then I’ll learn to struggle with myself.

-I didn’t understand that.

-If I can do with my son what I want to do, if I can create that change, I can learn to deal with the negative voice in me. I won’t let the Shadow take over me, I will fight it and I will win.

There is sorrow in his eyes.

- Actually this is the most natural relationship. If I am successful in my relationship with my son, I’ll be successful in the others as well. I’ll stop nitpicking myself.

His face lights up.

-I have to write these, can I get pen and paper?

I hand them to him, pleased.

-You moved quickly from speaking about your work into speaking about the relationship between you and your son. This tells me that your behavior spreads into every aspect of your life.

I give him a friendly smile and lean forward.

-I think you want to sign a contract with life.

-I like that. To make a contract with life.

He seems relaxed and light as he takes notes. When he is done he turns to face me.

-Thank you. I feel better.

-Good. Can you talk to me about your coaching objectives now?

-I’m good at my job and I like it. I