EDULTERY: Robert's Rules for Married Edating

By Robert Boutin

Men: If you follow Robert's Rules for Married Edating, you should score big, and often. After explaining the Rules, Robert shows how they work by describing, in graphic detail, his liaisons with five of the women he met online.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Robert Boutin
• Release date: Jun 21, 2011
• ISBN: 9781452447445

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EDULTERY: Robert’s Rules for Married Edating

By Robert Boutin

Copyright 2011 Robert Boutin

Smashwords Edition

AUTHOR’S NOTE

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance between any character in this book and any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

PROLOGUE

On New Year’s Day in my 49th year, I resolved that I wasn’t going to reach 50 without renewing my almost nonexistent sex life. For years, I’d accepted that sex was available only on those rare occasions when my professional wife, whose energies she channeled only into her work, would let me screw her upon waking in the morning. She only puts out in the morning, when she puts out at all.

I compensated by masturbating once or twice a day. Every day. But recently, in my late forties, I’d gone a day or two without whacking off. I was losing my powers! It was only a short step to being old, gray, and shriveled. What if I couldn’t get it up at all?

I had to re-experience the joys of sex. Real sex. Steamy, nothing-held-back sex! Maybe I could even get a blow job, that elusive goal of the middle-aged married male—theoretically as close as his mate’s pouting red lips, in reality, as distant as obtaining the summit of Mount Everest. A blow job? The possibilities were endless.

I overheard some of the secretaries at my office talking about internet dating, how they’d met some interesting men in a safe medium. They mentioned a couple of sites, which I checked out. I liked one best, and decided to use it. I had no idea what I was doing. I just knew I had to do something.

For a while, I merely read ads, both of males seeking females, and females seeking males. I wanted to see how guys presented themselves, what women were looking for, and I wanted to consider how I, were I a woman, would react to different types of ads.

Many ads I found too graphic. I may not have dated for years, but I have a lot of female friends, and feel I have some idea (to the extent any man can) of how women work. I’d even read Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars. I quickly rejected the graphic approach. I wanted a lover, not a whore.

Since for obvious reasons I couldn’t include a photograph, I decided I needed a curiosity approach—something that a woman would feel compelled to respond to. I also decided right up front to state I was married. I knew that would drastically reduce the number of responses I would get, but I also thought it would earn me brownie points for honesty, showing I wasn’t playing the mind games so many women complained about in their ads.

Honesty also seemed the best way to attract the kind of woman I wanted, a woman who herself would be open, honest, and interested in an on-going relationship. I wasn’t interested in a one-night stand. If I was going to have an affair, I wanted the rewards to be worth the effort and the risk, and for me the true rewards would be psychological, as well as physical, intimacy.

As a way to get started, I answered a few ads. One in particular was intriguing: a 35-year old who specifically said she didn’t care whether the man was single or not, only that he be attentive and available. Thus began a long-term correspondence with Melinda, who, only a few days after one of her emails to me was Geez, Mel, just tell the man you want him, informed me that her long-lost high school love had also answered her ad, and I have to try—I was after him 17 years ago. But I get ahead of myself; we’ll come back to Melinda later.

I have been successful. Over the last 6 years, I’ve had 14 women. Not a lot? Perhaps not, but that’s all this married guy could handle, giving time and attention to each. Eleven of those women answered one of my ads, the other 3 picked me out of the legions who answered their ads.

I’ve learned a lot about edating, and have distilled that knowledge into what I call Robert’s Rules for Married Edating. Those Rules make up the first chapter of this book.

Why should you pay attention to the Rules? Because of what I call Robert’s First Law of Female Nature: you can fuck one hundred percent—all!—each and every one—of the women who answer your (adult) internet personal ad. The operative word is can. You’re not going to fuck everyone who answers your ad, because you aren’t going to want to fuck them all. But, if you follow the Rules, you should have plenty of opportunities.

How so? Because, before the internet, it was both time-consuming and risky for a married man to try and have an affair. In-person trolling wasted a lot of time because there were so many false-positives. You never knew if the come-hither look from the woman across the room was desire, drugs, drink, indigestion, or inattention to her surroundings. And woe be to he who misinterpreted a look as a come-on from a woman who knows his wife!

The internet cuts through the Gordian knot of in-person trolling because the underlying unknown—are you available?—is answered in the positive. A woman, single or married, doesn’t answer a married man’s ad if she isn’t prepared to follow through. In short, the internet, for those who learn its intricacies, can lead to sexual Nirvana.

So, if you want the opportunity to take advantage of Robert’s First Rule of Female Nature, you need to learn the Edating Rules. We’ll start with the Rules for placing ads, followed by the Rules for answering ads. Then I’ll show you how the Rules work, by recounting my experiences with 5 of the 14 women I’ve so far had the opportunity to pleasure.

CHAPTER I

ROBERT’S RULES FOR MARRIED EDATING

A. Placing an Ad

The Rules for placing an ad, like Caesar’s Gaul, are divided into three parts: (1) the psychology of women; (2) women’s requirements for men; and (3) ad mechanics. The greatest number of Rules pertain to ad mechanics. However, they come third in order for a reason: if you want to get laid, you must understand how women view themselves and what they want out of a lover. Ignore the psychology of women and their requirements for a man, and you’ll remain horny.

The Psychology of Women

Rule 1: All Women Are Overweight. Yes, I know, that’s not a true statement. However, almost all women think they’re overweight, and, more importantly for edating purposes, they’ll almost always describe themselves as overweight to some degree. About the best you will get from the vast majority of women is that they have an average body. It doesn’t matter that we guys think a woman with curves looks great. In her eyes, she’s fat.

The point is, don’t expect to receive a response from, and certainly don’t surf women’s ads seeking, a mature (30 years or older) woman who describes herself as slim or pretty. Chances are, average, slightly overweight or voluptuous will look just fine to you. In fact, I prefer curves. With a skinny woman, there’s nothing to hold onto or bounce off of. Besides, before you turn your nose up at a woman’s physique, go look in a mirror. I guarantee you that Brad Pitt or Arnold Schwarzenegger won’t be staring you in the face!

Rule 2: Age Doesn’t Matter. One of the great things about edating is that it vastly expands your opportunities. There are women who specifically seek younger men, contemporaries, older men, or for whom age doesn’t matter. Give yourself leeway: advertise for women 15 years younger and older than you. So, for example, if you’re 40, state in your ad you’re looking for women aged 25-55. (Of course, if you’re under 33, adjust your search range lest you attract what can best be described as under aged jailbait.)

I’ve had both significantly younger and older women. The youngest, Dawn, whom you will meet later in this book, was 23 years old when we met. One, at 27, was at the time exactly half my age. The oldest, Barbara, was 72. (Yes, thanks to hormone replacement therapy, any older woman can have a juicy cunt if she wants one.) Always remember, to paraphrase Snowball from the novel Animal Farm: All pussy is good; some pussy is better than others! In addition, Ben Franklin was correct-- not only is an older woman easier to bed (there is less competition for her favors), but she will be grateful to boot!

However, you should be aware that 40 is a magic age for edating. Forty is the first biggie birthday; it’s the age when many women reassess themselves. Often, she realizes her life, marriage, career, whatever, hasn’t gone as hoped. And, the change is looming on the horizon. As a result, women at 40 feel vulnerable, and many either actively begin to look or are, for the first time since they were married, approachable. I’ve had more (5) women age 40 than any other single age.

Rule 3: She’ll Fall In Love With You. Men and women really are different. A man can spot a woman with a shapely ass, imagine what she would be like in bed, and, if offered the chance, screw her, then walk away. Women don’t work like that. Most women need to know you, and to feel comfortable and secure with you, before they’ll go to bed with you. And, once they do go to bed with you, if the relationship continues, they will fall in love with you. That doesn’t mean they necessarily expect you to marry them, but they will become deeply emotionally attached to you. Trust me, it will happen, and you need to be prepared for it. In fact, the best way to handle it, especially if you want the relationship to last, is to love her, too. Trust me again, it’s not difficult. But it does require giving of yourself. Let go emotionally, and you’ll be pleasantly surprised with the results. I have loved almost all of my 14 women, and I remain part of many of their lives. I even gave one of them away when she got married.

Women’s Requirements For Men

Rule 4: Get Into Shape. I’m no Adonis, but at 5 feet 9 inches and a trim 150 pounds, I look okay. I work out every day, and can bench press 240 pounds. My shoulders are broad, my waist narrow, and my stomach flat. My secretary calls me buff.

Why is this important? For two reasons: (1) the only attribute more of a turn-off to women than a big beer belly is rotten teeth; and (2) you need stamina for proper love making. A quick cum, roll-over and sleep won’t get you re-invited to her bed. If you want to be a true Casanova, you need to get it up, keep it up, revive it on her demand, and hold your shot until after she orgasms. That can be real work!

Rule 5: Be Well Groomed. Just because you met her on the internet doesn’t mean you can ignore the protocols of dating. Let’s face it—once you meet, you are dating. You may have gone into slob mode with your old lady, but then you haven’t tried to seduce her in years. Shave. Comb your hair. Clean and press your clothes. And for God’s sake, keep your fingernails clean and your breath fresh!

Rule 6: Learn to Communicate. What’s the most common complaint women have about men? It’s that men don’t talk with them. The mistake most men make when they hear this is that they haven’t figured out that the word talk in this context actually means listen. When you learn to listen to a woman, and I mean really listen to her, in her mind you’ll have become attentive to her. She’ll then relax, and once she relaxes, you’ve got her.

Ad Mechanics

Rule 7: Use a Pseudonym. If you are married, never use your real name in filling out a site profile. You don’t want to have to try to explain to your wife why you have an ad when her best friend brings it to her attention. Besides, there really are crazies out there.

Rule 8: Develop a Compelling Handle. Your handle is your ename, or identification. You want a handle that will appeal to the type of woman you’re seeking. I’ve successfully used adistinguishedgentleman for years, because it connotes a man of a certain age who is successful and gentle—all attributes I actually possess. I want a woman who is attracted to a successful gentleman to read my ad. If she doesn’t like your handle, she won’t go any further. That’s why fuckmybrainsout may appeal to your infantile side, but is not a compelling handle.

Rule 9: Develop a Compelling Title. The same considerations apply here as with a handle: the function of the title of your ad is to attract the type of woman who will want to get to know you. So, to develop a compelling title, you must know (1) yourself; and (2) the type of woman you’re looking for. Sexually explicit titles will seldom get you what you want, which, I assume, is laid.

Again, I’ve had great success with the simple title Looking for Romance? Why? Because no matter how horny a woman is, she usually won’t admit to herself it’s sex she’s after A woman who wants to read about a gentleman also wants to be wooed and won. What’s one word that will appeal to such a woman? Easy--she wants to be romanced.

Rule 10: You Have a Lot of Leeway with the Text. The body, or text, of your ad can be short, long, detailed, vague, written in the third person . . . whatever, so long as it’s consistent with your handle and title. You need to supply some basic information—age, race, height, weight—otherwise, anything goes. Most sites now have profiles that list this kind of basic information, so it doesn’t have to appear in the essay portion of your ad.

I’ve found that shorter is better. You don’t have to tell your life story to attract a woman. In fact, one of my most successful ads was the shortest. Its title was Available? and the text consisted of only three words: Married. Looking. You?

I received numerous replies to that ad, and bedded 3 of them, including Marilyn, whom you will meet later.

Just realize that your words, and especially the tone of your ad, will determine the type of woman who will respond to it. With the Available? ad, I obviously was trying to attract married women actively looking to have an affair. And I did. Always remember that the basic laws of personality types hold true: opposites tend to attract. Thus, a humorous ad will not usually attract a life-of-the-party girl; it will attract a quiet