F*cked Up Fairy Tales

By H.E. Ellis

From the warped and creative minds of the Blogosphere’s most talented writers comes a retelling of classic fables and fairy tales, each one more twisted than the last. F*cked Up Fairy Tales is childhood as you never remembered it.

• Language: English
• Publisher: H.E. Ellis
• Release date: Nov 27, 2013
• ISBN: 9781311900104

H.E. Ellis

Writer of questionable talent seeks readership with an appreciation for the fine art of mocking. Interests include candlelight dinners, long walks on the beach, and Abe Vigoda. Must love New England. Author of REAPERS WITH ISSUES and THE GODS OF ASPHALT series. www.heellisgoa.com www.reaperswithissues.com

Book preview

F*CKED UP FAIRY TALES

Volume One

From the warped and creative minds of the Blogosphere’s

most talented writers comes a retelling of classic fables

and fairy tales, each one more twisted than the last.

It’s childhood as you never remembered it.

By,

H.E. Ellis

And

THE BLOGGER COLLECTIVE

Copyright© 2013 by H.E. Ellis

SMASHWORDS EDITION

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

  

ALADDIN – Robert Miller

ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER – Joshua Smith

CINDERELLA – Kevin Jorenby

ELVES AND THE SHOEMAKER – Edward Hotspur

EMPEROR’S NEW CLOTHES – Phoebe Valois

GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS – Colton Long

LEGEND OF SANTA CLAUS – Tom Lucas

PETER PAN – Dayton Ward

PINOCCHIO – Maria-Christina Doulami

PRINCESS AND THE PEA – Susan Nairn

RUMPELSTILTSKIN – Ted White

SLEEPING BEAUTY – Kayjai

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS – Megan Stephenson

THREE BILLY GOATS GRUFF – Vanilla Mom

THREE LITTLE PIGS – A.H. Browne

THUMBELINA – Sandy Floyd

TOOTH FAIRY – Kosative D

TORTOISE AND THE HARE – Paul Smith

UGLY DUCKLING – Kathy White

DEDICATED TO THE BROTHERS GRIMM

  

ALADDIN

By, Robert Miller

The whore house reeked of cum, sweat, and wine. Jafar pushed his way through naked women and horny men to get to the private room in the back of the building. The sorcerer pushed aside the faded and stained curtain, revealing a smug looking young man with a dark haired woman between his legs.

Wait yer turn, old man, the smug young man said, I ain't finished yet.

The woman never looked up. She was very focused on the job in front of her.

Aladdin, is it not? Jafar said.

Oooh...yeah that's me...damn...who wants to know?

My name is Jafar... The sorcerer found it difficult to get a word in with the boy's attention elsewhere. He decided to cut to the chase. I represent Princess Jasmine and she wants you.

Aladdin's eyes grew wide. Jafar surmised that the boy had spent his load as well due to the surprised and slightly annoyed woman covered in white.

The princess, you say? Aladdin commanded the woman to finish licking him clean before she left in a huff. Princess Jasmine...what does her royal ass...Royal Highness, want with me?

Jafar smiled at the boy. He now had him in the palm of his hand.

She, that is I, need someone with your...special skills...for a job. The princess has agreed to reward you with your heart's desire when the job is done.

My heart's desire, huh? Aladdin looked thoughtfully at the ceiling for a moment before continuing. I want her...over and over...

As I say, Jafar said, You may have it, after the job. Now come with me. We have much to discuss.

Aladdin slammed his goblet on the bar and ran a hand through his jet-black hair. Let me get this straight, you want me to go down into a dark hole in the ground, that no one has ever returned from, and bring back a rusty old lamp?

Yes, Jafar was becoming aggravated with the boy. This was the fourth time now he had repeated the instructions. All I want is the lamp, anything else is yours.

And then I get to fuck the princess?

Yes, yes fine. Get me what I want and you shall have what you deserve.

Great, Aladdin said, When do we leave?

Aladdin stood up quickly, nearly knocking over a woman in black robes behind him. Jafar looked at the woman as if he might know her. The sorcerer waved off the thought.

Don’t just stand there dumbfounded, boy, Jafar scolded, Help the woman up.

Aladdin took the woman’s hand and offered his apologies. The woman kept her head down, thanked him, and hurried away.

Do you know her? Aladdin asked Jafar.

No, he said, She is nobody. Now go home and get some rest. Tomorrow is a big day.

That night Aladdin couldn't sleep. He dreamt of the woman in black at the bar. He dreamt of bumping into her and it being Princess Jasmine. The Princess wanted him and took off her robes in the middle of the bar and begged for him to ravage her. Thoughts of Jasmine's supple breasts surrounding his face filled the rest of his dreams.

Sometime after two in the morning he got up and went for a walk. His travels took him past the whorehouse where he was a regular. He had never been there after eleven so he decided to pop in and take a look at the late night girls.

Aladdin walked up to the bar and banged his fist on the counter. The bartender came over and began to pour the boy a cup of wine. Aladdin waved him off.

Not tonight, Jeager, Aladdin said, What's the night crew lookin like?

The bartender laughed. You wish to partake in a girl or two this evening, boy?

Perhaps. If they aren't complete trolls, that is.

I assure you, my dear Aladdin...these are top notch girls. The man looked up and saw a raven-haired beauty coming out of the private rooms with a very happy old man in tow. There. He pointed the woman out to Aladdin, I will give you her. She is...somewhat of royalty around here. The bartender's smile broadened as he waved the woman over.

Bhalabour, the man called, Come. I want you to meet someone.

The woman sauntered over to the bar and gave a seductive smile to Aladdin. Aladdin raised an eyebrow to her and reached for her waist. She allowed him to pull her in close and put his hand on the small of her back.

I don't believe I've seen you before.

This is only my third night, Bhalabour said, But I have been quite popular.

Indeed, Jeager agreed, She's been the most requested girl all night...I give her to you for an hour, on the house.

I thank you, Jeager. Aladdin kissed the girl's neck and ran his free hand up her belly to her very generous breasts. She slapped his hand away and wagged her index finger at him.

We'll get there, my boy, she teased, Shall we go to a private room?

Absolutely. Aladdin allowed himself to be led through the curtain and into an empty room. He sat down on the soft cushions and watched as she turned away to close the curtain to the room. Still facing away from him, Bhalabour began undressing.

Damn. Aladdin said as she bent over to pull her silk pants down. The raven-haired woman backed up until she was against his legs and she sat down on his lap. She reached back and cupped the back of his head with one hand and pulled his hand to her breast with her other hand.

Aladdin wasted no time taking her hard nipple between his thumb and index finger, rubbing gently. After a few moments of this she guided his other hand to the wet area between her legs. Aladdin proceeded to rub her nipples and her clit until she was moaning and arching her back in an orgasm that was bigger than he expected.

My, Bhalabour gasped, That was quite incredible. Your reputation is true.

Is that right? Aladdin asked, And what else do they say about me?

She stood up, much to Aladdin's dismay, and knelt between his legs. She rubbed her hands on his pants. He could feel himself getting harder.

The other girls say that you are the biggest they ever had, Bhalabour grinned at Aladdin and pulled at his pants. She got them to his ankles and put her attention back on the enormous thing in front of her.

Do you agree with the other girls? Aladdin asked.

Indeed. she said.

Aladdin awoke in his own bed, no recollection of how he got there. He also didn't see any sign of Bhalabour. A slight dizziness hit him as he stood but soon faded. He smiled at the thought of the woman from last night but just as quick his mind turned to the day's task. Today he was going to retrieve Jafar's item. Aladdin pulled on his pants and glanced around for his shirt. That was when Jafar let himself in.

Are you prepared?

Of course, Aladdin said, Don't you worry.

Jafar rolled his eyes and turned back out the door. Aladdin followed close behind. Before they reached the end of the street, a woman in heavy black robes and a hood obscuring her face stepped in their way.

Begging your pardon, sir, the woman said, My apologies.

Jafar ignored the woman and continued on his way. Aladdin paused for a moment and thought he recognized her. The young woman under the hood winked at him and before his brain put together who she was, Jafar was pulling him by the collar.

We don't have time for you to gawk at every female we encounter.

I think I know her. Aladdin said.

Great, Jafar said, rolling his eyes, Is there a woman from the streets that you haven't screwed?

Aladdin pulled himself away from Jafar and took another glance over his shoulder as he walked. When he couldn't place the woman he shook his head and returned to his task.

So how do we find this place? he asked.

With this. Jafar produced a golden scarab carving from his pocket. He held it up for Aladdin to see and smiled at the young man.

Aladdin looked at the item and looked up at Jafar confused.

What’s it do?

This, Jafar said, will glow bright yellow when we are close.

The scarab began to glow a dull yellow. Jafar's smile grew and Aladdin's face lit up with surprise. The pair continued to walk and as they walked further into the desert, the scarab began to glow brighter. A few times the scarab dulled but a quick course correction and the brightness returned. Soon the scarab was so bright that neither man could bear to look directly at it.

We're here. Jafar pulled his hand back that contained the scarab and threw it out in front of him. Aladdin watched the bright light fly through the air and land twenty feet away in a mound of sand. The scarab, still glowing bright, began to sink.

We're gonna lose it, Aladdin said, Why did you throw it?

Patience, Jafar said, All will be revealed.

As Jafar spoke the scarab disappeared into the sand at the same time a rumbling could be heard coming from beneath them. The ground shook under the men and Aladdin had a look of fright on his face.

What's happening? the young man asked.

There. Jafar pointed to where the scarab had landed. The sand was rising. Both men took a step back and watched the sand get taller and taller. Soon they could make out stone through the sand. By the time the rumbling stopped they were standing in front of an enormous stone mouth.

Why is the entrance to the most amazing treasure ever a giant dragon's mouth? Aladdin asked.

It's a cat, idiot, Jafar said. He rolled his eyes and resisted the urge to smack the boy in the back of the head, And it doesn't matter why. What matters is what's inside. You only have until sundown. Now go.

Aladdin cautiously crept forward. He eyed the stone structure; afraid something was going to jump out at him. Standing at the top step and looking into the blackness below, Aladdin paused. He thought it might be his subconscious waiting for Jafar to tell him he didn't have to go, but in reality he was more scared than he had anticipated. The figure leaping down from atop the mouth didn't help his feeling.

Both Aladdin and Jafar were startled. They stared at the figure now standing between them. Even covered in black robes with a hood obscuring the face, Aladdin could tell the newcomer was female.

Who are you? Jafar asked.

Yeah, Aladdin chimed in, What's a woman doing out here?

The figure drew back the hood, revealing not only a woman, but also a woman Aladdin knew. So did Jafar. The woman produced a rolled up map from her robes and waved it at Jafar.

Thanks for letting me borrow this, Jafar. You really should be more careful when you bump into someone.

Jafar scowled at her. My dear Princess, he said, Are you following me?

Princess? Aladdin felt confused. He too knew the woman. But he knew her as Bhalabour; the woman whom he'd had sex with the night before.

That's right, pretty boy, she said in a cold voice, You two made this too easy.

Well you're too late, my dear, Jafar said, smiling, The way is open and we have only to retrieve the artifact.

Aladdin took a step backwards, putting him two steps down the staircase. Jafar remained in place, straitening to look more menacing.

You won't be retrieving anything, Jafar.

The sorcerer spun around to find the Sultan, his employer, atop a jet-black horse flanked by three horse-mounted guards on either side. Jafar bowed, never taking his eyes off of the Sultan or his guards.

Your majesty, the sorcerer said, What brings you all the way out here?

Are you conspiring against me, Jafar?

Why, your majesty…I would never… Aladdin interrupted Jafar.

Wait, whoa…he never told me what the artifact was for.

The Princess put one arm around Aladdin's shoulders and the other hand over his mouth. Quiet, pretty boy. Let the big boys talk.

Jafar, the Sultan said in his loudest booming voice, You are hereby arrested for crimes against the kingdom, including conspiracy to overthrow the Sultan. Guards, seize him.

Jafar frowned. The sorcerer raised his staff towards the Sultan and began to speak. Before anything could happen, Aladdin tackled the sorcerer, knocking him to the sand.

What are you doing, boy? Jafar asked.

You didn't tell me you were going to take over the kingdom with that thing.

He's not, Jasmine said, He's going to the dungeon.

Three of the Sultan's guards, all dressed in light brown robes and carrying a large scimitar, surrounded Jafar and picked him up out of the sand.

As for you, young man, the Sultan said.

Father, Jasmine interrupted, Can I deal with this one? We have a rapport.

The Sultan considered this for a moment before nodding at his daughter. He snapped his fingers and the guards put