Iconic Interviews

By H.E. Ellis

ALL AUTHORS' PROCEEDS FROM THE PURCHASE OF THIS BOOK ARE DONATED TO THE BLOGGERS COMPILATION PROJECT.

• Language: English
• Publisher: H.E. Ellis
• Release date: Dec 24, 2012
• ISBN: 9781301651153

H.E. Ellis

Writer of questionable talent seeks readership with an appreciation for the fine art of mocking. Interests include candlelight dinners, long walks on the beach, and Abe Vigoda. Must love New England. Author of REAPERS WITH ISSUES and THE GODS OF ASPHALT series. www.heellisgoa.com www.reaperswithissues.com

Book preview

ICONIC INTERVIEWS

The world’s most beloved holiday icons

presented in a collection of irreverent

interviews that take on the backstory

of their imagined existences.

by,

H.E. Ellis et al.

SMASHWORDS EDITION

ISBN: 9781301651153

Copyright ©2012 by H.E. Ellis

Image courtesy of Richard Floethe and the Federal Art Project

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Santa’s Shame Spiral - Part One

Santa’s Shame Spiral - Part Two

Santa’s Shame Spiral - Part Three

BREAKING NEWS - SANTA CLAUS

It’s Groundhog Day!

It’s Cupid!

Inaugural Spam

UPDATE - SANTA CLAUS

Interview with the King of the Leprechauns

I Prank You Not

It’s the Easter Bunn- er...Wallaby?

TRENDING NOW - SANTA CLAUS

Earth Day Interview with Gaia

It’s Flagulous!

It’s Time for Father Time!

DATELINE - SANTA CLAUS

SciFi Face-off!

Andiamo Columbus

Interview with the Werewolf

Turkey Incognito

JAILBREAK AT THE NORTH POLE

Interview with Frosty the Snowman

Interview with LeMonjello Otis

Interview with Brown Shugga

Interview with Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer

SANTA CLAUS - THE SHOCKING CONCLUSION

CONTRIBUTING AUTHORS

*****

DEDICATED TO ROBERT BERTRAND - THE BEST SANTA CLAUS EVER

*****

SANTA’S SHAME SPIRAL - PART ONE

Featuring BrainRants as Santa Claus

I recently had the privilege of sitting down to an interview with a man who’s known world wide; a man whose public persona is larger than life, but whose private world is shrouded in a centuries old mystery. In this three part series we will discuss his career, his home life, his influence and ultimately his legacy. This is by far the most in-depth probe I’ve ever done that I believe you’ll find both eye-opening as well as entertaining. Today I sit down with none other than...

Santa Claus.

Our interview takes place in Santa’s private quarters at his North Pole command center. Haggard and spent from last night’s epic trip around the world, he nurses what the elves tell me is his tonic, prompting me to open questions quickly and dive right into the meat of his story:

Q. Good morning, Santa. May I call you Santa?

S.C. Oh sure, anyone with a rack like yours can ask me anything they fucking want ... *uuurp* sorry, it was a really long night... and not the good kind if you know what I mean. Fucking reindeer will find potholes in the goddamn sky... Yeah, you probably do. What was the question? Ya know you're kinda small... you could be an elf... a special helper elf... [wags great Andy Rooney white eyebrows]

Q. Er, right. Thanks I think. The elves tell me the latest population increase has taken its toll on you physically. How are you coping with the ever increasing demands of global toy production and distribution?

S.C. Population? You're asking me that? Hey, missy pants, I'm a goddamn fucking mystical being. I shit toys down every chimney in the world in just twelve hours of Christmas darkness. I'm superfuckingsonic.. the Santanator... the Santaznit. You wanna try that? You think those fucking inflatables [points] will carry you like my ... fucking overgrown rats with antlers? Ungrateful shits... I'll tell you what chaps my big fat red butt... the audacity of the first world kids. Seri..*belch*..seriously. Electronics... iPods, iPhones, iShit.. I, I, I! All about them. Nintendos... fuckers... hey, is there any white shit on my nostrils right now? Oh. Are we filming or recording? Fuck, never mind. No, what wads my shorts is the ingratitude... like they have a right to this shit... I mean, who keeps the Naughty and Nice list... [pulls on a nondescript jug, emptying it and tossing it in a corner]...produc..*hic* ... shun has always met my mojo... my dishhh..tra..bution. You get all that?

Q. You’ve been blasted in the media recently for sentiments you expressed on the poor quality of commercially marketed toys. In your opinion, how does the toy manufacturing profession measure up in general; and what steps would you take to improve it?

S.C. Are you fuckin' kidding me? I goddamn invented the toy profession... hell, I am the toy profession... was the toy profession... damn them... bastards... Do you have any idea... *twitch* how much effort and work it takes to keep the Global Child Database up to date? Or the GPS trickery involved in locating all of them? Do you realize... seriously here, that some of the little shits don't even have chimneys? Never mind the whole want, want, want... did we forget need here? Really?

Q. You’ve been approached by Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum for an endorsement, both of which you’ve declined. Is there a candidate running for Office of the President of the United States to whom you would offer an endorsement? If not, then who would you like to see running?

S.C. Two words, honey: FUCK. NO. I'd like to see that cutie from around about up here... wasshername... the one who can see Russia... nevermind, but what a MILF. As if I can talk now. Can I use the bathroom real quick? No? Fuckit... less keep goin.' But fuck the U.S. government. How many times you think I've almost been shot down since 2001? Huh?

Q. Let’s jump back to your roots. Where did you grow up