Oh Jamie

By Bertram Ellis

When Jamie agrees to accompany a wealthy widow, Lydia Myers, to Miami he thinks he is going to lay in the sun, relax and admire the bikini clad women,
But alas Jamie, can't even drive a new car without being arrested for auto theft. In jail he is transformed from a milksop into the image of a mad killer He takes dancing lessons and falls in love with his instructor, gorgeous Gloria. What a let down that was. At a posh art show he is taken for a famous critic. One nod and the value of a picture soared, then plummeted when the real critic showed up. He visits a time-share run by crooked investors on a wharf with disastrous results.
These are just a few of Jamie's crazy adventures that will make you laugh, or cry.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Bertram Ellis
• Release date: Apr 30, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301296019

Bertram Ellis

Bertram Ellis had a successful career with the de Havilland aircraft company of Canada. He was a pilot until he lost his licence due to deteriorating vision. He has traveled the world, Europe, Africa, the Middle East the far East and South America.Among his adventures he has been blown up, shot at and imprisoned briefly in Saudi Arabia. Lost in the Sudanese desert south of Omdurman,fished the Mighty Zambezi. During all his adventures he has kept his belief in the essential goodness of ordinary people. He is a published author of short stories. A handbook on how to write your memoirs. Since retirement he has presented seminars on how to write your memoirs, at no charge, for many years. He lives in St. Catharines, Ontario, Canada with his artist wife Karen. He has three children and ten hgrandchildren

Book preview

Oh Jamie.

PUBLISHED BY

Bertram Ellis

Copyright © 2013 by Bertram Ellis

Cover Artist: Karen

Discover other titles by Bertram Ellis at Smashwords.com

Toronto Teleports.

The GINA Mirage.

Those men from the purple roadhouse.

Love Island.

See them if you dare.

Chapter One

Sunlight streamed through the dining room windows. Lydia pushed her chair away from the breakfast table. I'm going to visit some old friends. I'm sure you don't want to listen to women's gossip so you can have a look around, she announced.

Jamie took a fresh roll and spread butter and honey. Okay, he replied before taking a bite.

If you don't like it here, you can return home, you know, she said.

Jamie shuddered. The weather up north was fierce. Oh, I'm perfectly happy, Lydia. I wouldn't leave you in the lurch. Would you like me to accompany you this morning.

Don't be so pompous. Accompany me. Huh!, she said and swept out of the room.

Jamie finished the last of the warm rolls and drained his coffee cup. That was good, he said and pushed his chair back from the table.

Maria, the Cuban maid, came in and started to clear away the breakfast dishes.

How are you this bright sunny morning, Maria? he said.

Morning, Jamie, she replied without looking at him.

Jamie stared after her retreating figure. Why do I get a feeling she doesn=t like me. What the hell. Who gives a damn. What shall I do? But he knew what was at the back of his mind I=ll go and see if that lovely girl I saw last night is at the pool. God, I hope she's wearing her bikini. His heart raced with anticipation. He stood and stretched. This is the life for me.

The pool sparkled with morning sunlight in its setting of flowering bushes. The long limbed, long blonde haired, young woman lay on a lounger. Jamie's heart lurched and he was suddenly breathless. Hello. Good morning, he called.

She lifted her head, raised her sun glasses and looked at him with interest. Hi. I haven't seen you before.

I've just arrived. My name's Jamie. Do you live here?

I wish. Hi, I'm Gilda. Mum and I are staying with my aunt in number four. She nodded to indicate the cottage behind the bushes. The movement accentuated her generous breasts which were barely contained in her bikini. She pretended to be unaware of the effect she was having on him.

Jamie=s pulse accelerated from idle. He threw his towel beside her lounger, dived into the pool and swam the length under water. He came up and hung on the edge beside her.

You're a good swimmer, she said.

He climbed out, dripping water, and toweled himself down. Not really. Do you mind if I sit with you.

Oh no. I was bored with my own company.

He turned a lounger around, so that it had its back to the pool, slid it beside hers and lowered himself onto it.

How could you be bored? It is such a lovely morning, All this Florida sunshine.

She laughed, It=s good to meet a happy man.

"You should be happy here, Gilda. See if I can make you smile.@

She giggled. You're cute, Jamie. I love your accent. I wish Scott was like you.

And who is Scott?

My boyfriend. Maybe I should say my ex-boyfriend.

Ah, a mysterious, beautiful woman crossed in love.

How did you guess?

Jamie smiled and narrowed his eyes, It's my sensitive nature. The moment I saw you I knew you were a beautiful woman in trouble. Scott doesn't appreciate you. You did the right thing dumping him.

She dimpled her lips in a sad smile to prove she was broken hearted and started to talk. For the next hour Jamie endured Gilda's endless list of complaints against Scott. She had either told him to get lost or he had selfishly left her depending on which story he cared to believe. He made sympathetic oh's and ah's and sighed at her misfortune. How could someone so lovely be so dumb? He thought. He breathed the perfume of her suntan oil mixed with the tang of ocean air. He felt alive and wanted to take her in his arms. He dragged a towel over his waist to conceal his rising passion. He held her hand and tried to portray manly sympathy while concealing his desire to seduce her.

. . . Scott is so self-centered, all he thinks of are his own selfish pleasures, she sighed.

Jamie stroked her leg. Oh you poor darling, how could he be so insensitive. He swung his legs over the side of his lounger, leaned forward, slipped one arm under her legs, the other around her waist and swung back lifting her onto his lap.

Oh! she squeaked. She snuggled down and looked up at him with one eyebrow raised. He held her close and stroked her hair. The best thing you can do is put him out of your mind, he purred. She rested her cheek on his shoulder. You are such a comfort, Jamie.

He ran his eyes down the length of her almost naked body. He was in heaven. Her body was soft and warm and he was conscious of her breast against his chest. That's because you=re special, Gilda, he murmured. I=m almost there, he thought. A few more minutes and we'll go into the cottage and make love, I=ll be gentle to show I care for her. His lips brushed her hair. She sighed and settled deeper into his arms. He put his hand under her chin lifted her face and smiled into her eyes. Just as he was about to kiss her a telephone rang in the cottage. His stomach tightened. It could break the spell. He gave a loud sigh hoping to drown out the sound. Don=t let her hear it. Don=t let her hear it, he prayed silently. He stroked her hair again. Oh Gilda, he said, timing his words to the telephone rings. She looked at him. Her brow wrinkled with puzzlement. Then she relaxed and tilted her head, inviting a kiss. The phone rang again. Her eyes opened and he felt her muscles tense. He stroked her hair again trying to cover her ears. She started to relax. The phone rang again. Her eyes opened wide. A small frown appeared between her eyebrows and her muscles tensed again. She lifted her head. Hang up. Hang up. Jamie prayed silently. The phone sounded louder and seemed to echo in the morning stillness.

That might be Scott! Gilda shrieked and leapt out of his arms like a released spring. The lounger skidded back on the tiled surface with Jamie=s arms and legs pedaling in the air and splashed into the pool like an alarmed hippopotamus. Gilda didn=t look back. The lounger sank to the bottom. Jamie panicked. He swallowed a mouthful of chlorine tasting water as he struggled to pull his legs free of the straps and shot to the surface. He clung to the edge of the pool gasping for breath. Jesus, I could have drowned,@ he coughed.A and she wouldn't have cared. ADamn it, Gilda, I hope it's someone offering termite inspections.@ The lounger floated to the surface beside him. He lifted it out and climbed out after it. Damn, my luck." He picked up the towel and wiped himself down. Gilda's voice was trilling away through an open window, whoever she was talking to, it was going to be a long conversation.

Stupid woman. Slinging his towel around his neck and stepping into his sandals he trudged back to the cottage.

After a shower, Jamie walked through to the kitchen. He drank a glass of orange juice to get rid of the taste of chlorine. Lydia walked in, her arms laden with packages.

Phew, it's warm today. That's what I need. Pour me a glass please, Jamie.

He handed her the one in his hand and poured another. Lydia placed some shopping bags on the table and took a drink. That's better. I left some things in the car bring them in for me please, Jamie.

You left a taxi waiting, Lydia?

No, she replied, I have a car outside.

You have?

Yes. If I decide to buy it, it will be more convenient than a cab. You can drive?

Of course. I thought you were visiting friends?

I was. Grace was home alone. The other girls were out. I=ll go see them tomorrow. She handed him a car key. You'll find some bags in the car. Bring them in for me, please, Jamie.

Okay, he growled, but curiosity overcame his resentment. He wondered what she had bought. Probably an economy, puddle jumper, something or other.

The car was a new, gleaming white, Cadillac with blue leather upholstery. Jamie opened the door climbed in and lay back on the soft seat. This is all right, he exclaimed. "She acts tough and all along she's as soft as the other old dears. He gripped the steering wheel. Now if I could take Gilda for a drive in her bikini with no telephone to interrupt us. I=d take her to a quiet beach we could climb in the back and make love on the soft leather seat without . . .

Jamie, what are you doing? Lydia was standing beside the car.

Oh. Thank=s, Lydia. This is a great car.

AThanks?@ Lydia frowned. Bring in those bags I want you to take Maria to the store.

Okay. He picked up the shopping bags and followed her to the kitchen.

Maria was unpacking shopping bags at the kitchen table.

Hi, Maria, he called.

She nodded and averted her eyes.

Drive Maria to the store, Lydia said. When you come back let me know what you think of the car.

Okay. But I can tell you what I think of it now, Lydia, I think it's a beauty.

"Good. I like a man to drive a car and give me his opinion before I buy it . . .

She was still talking.

I'll go and get changed, he called. He went to his room, pulled on a blue, short sleeved, cotton shirt, brushed his hair, donned sunglasses and returned to the kitchen.

I'm ready, he announced.

Lydia looked at him, her eyes suddenly bright with unshed tears. You look okay, she said gruffly.

Jamie was embarrassed. "Thank you. Come along, Maria.@

Maria was wearing a short black skirt. As she stepped into the car Jamie gave an appreciative whistle. Nice legs, Maria.

Not for woman keeper, she replied, smoothing her skirt over her thighs.

Jamie started the engine. Woman keeper. What the hell does that mean? The car was powerful, silent and smooth. They floated through the traffic. As they drove past the Cadillac dealership, a salesman, showing a customer a car in the forecourt, ran forward and waved to them. Jamie waved back with a smile. You know, Maria, Florida really is a friendly place. Back home, once you've driven a car off the lot, the salesmen don't want to know you.

Half a mile down the road he turned into the shopping center and parked in an empty slot beside half a dozen other white Cadillac’s.

Maria jumped out of the car, Not be long, she called.

Jamie stepped out and locked the car. He looked along the row of cars. It looks like they had a fire sale?

A grey haired man pushing a shopping cart for a customer called, Good day, sir.

Hi, Jamie replied. He watched the man unload the cart, refuse a tip, and head back into the store. Jamie followed him. He was reading movie titles in a rack of DVD=s when a police car screamed down the street its lights flashing and siren sounding. A few seconds later another cruiser roared by in the opposite direction.

They're having a busy day, he said to the clerk.

They're always after someone, she replied.

Let’s hope they catch them.

I hope they shoot them. Getting arrested is a joke, she said vehemently.

Maria appeared pushing a shopping cart. She joined the line at one of the check-out counters.

Nice talking to you, Jamie said.

The girl flashed a smile in reply.

When the sales clerk had rung through the order Maria paid the bill. Jamie picked up the bags and carried them out to the car.

They drove out of the shopping center and joined the stream of traffic. This is a great car. Would you like me to drive you somewhere romantic? Jamie asked.

Maria shook her head, but he could tell by the way she smiled that the idea appealed to her. At that moment a police cruiser, sirens wailing, lights flashing, came roaring down the street behind them. Jamie signaled and pulled into the curb to allow the car to pass. The cruiser came alongside. The driver waving his arm, braked hard, cut sharply in front of the Cadillac. Tires screamed to a stop. Jamie slammed on the brakes. With a screech of tires the Cadillac lurched to a stop within an inch of the cruiser. Jamie's sunglasses flew off. What the hell are you doing? he shouted.

Another police car screeched to a stop behind them.

Jamie jerked his head around to see what was going on. Can you see anything? he gasped. Is it a hold up? He imagined bullets whistling around their heads and shrank into the seat.

The door was flung open. Keep your hands in sight and get out of the car, a tough looking policeman shouted.

The other door was wrenched open. You too, ma'am.

Maria started to scream and covered her face with her hands. The policeman released her seat belt and dragged her out. She collapsed in his arms like a rag doll, crying in Spanish for God to help her.

People came running over to see what was going on.

Who are they?

Mafia. Drug dealers. You can tell. Look at the car, an old man said.

They should shoot ‘em. Save the tax payer=s money.

Jamie fumbled with his seat belt. He was trembling and had difficulty releasing it. What, what? he stuttered. The belt flew loose and he was hauled bodily out of the car.

Stand against the car. Open your legs and put your hands on the roof.

Jamie had seen arrests on TV. This can't be happening to me.@What=s going on? I. . ." he cried.

Shud up, the policeman barked. He quickly ran his hands over Jamie's body. On the other side of the car a policewoman was body searching Maria while two policemen supported her.

Jamie's arms were roughly pulled back and handcuffed. The policeman turned him around. He was reading from a card. . . . anything you say may be used against you. You have the right to remain silent. . . The words sounded familiar. Jamie was so confused. it didn=t make sense.

. . . You are under arrest.

What for? Jamie cried.

Grand theft, auto.

Theft?

Is this your automobile?

No.

You stole it?

"No. My God, don=t tell me Lydia stole it?@

AWho?@

AThe woman, uh, my companion."

Where is she?

Jamie stuttered the address. Ask Maria, she'll tell you.

Is that right, ma'am? the policeman asked.

Maria's eyes rolled with fear and she answered with a stream of prayers in Spanish, Me a legal immigrant, she screeched. I had nothing to do with Fidel coming to America. I do nothing.

The policemen looked at one another and shook their heads.

For God's sake do something with this woman, one of them said to the policewoman. And watch him, he ordered another policeman.

The policewoman led Maria, now sobbing and tear streaked, to a police car and pushed her onto the back seat. The policeman returned to his car, pulled out a microphone and thumbed the switch. Yeah we got -em, male, white Caucasian; female, Latin. We'll bring 'em in. Anyone contacted the Myer's woman? What? Homicide? Jesus. He threw the microphone back in the car. We're taking you in.

The friendly, grey-haired carry-out man from the supermarket was among the crowd on the sidewalk. Why don=t you shoot ‘em, save the tax-payer=s money, he shouted.

Move back, folks. Go about your business. The people were pushed back as Jamie was bundled into the back of the cruiser with Maria.

The street, which had been peaceful was now crowded. Cars held up by the slow moving traffic blew their horns. As cars drew abreast of the cruisers they slowed to see what was going on. A policeman stepped into the street and held up his hand. The cruiser pulled out and drove off with flashing lights.

Maria sat crumpled beside Jamie sobbing. Jamie=s hair was in wild disarray. For God's sake, Maria stop crying. As soon as we get to the police station, we'll call Lydia. She'll sort this out.

AThe Police take me away with a wild man," she sobbed.

The cruiser pulled up at a police station and they were led inside. A desk sergeant questioned them. AYou=re not American. Do you have a visa or green card?@

AI=m Canadian,@ Jamie stuttered.

AUh huh.@

The sergeant laboriously entered their names and address into a computer with his index finger then pointed to a telephone. You can make one call,

The phone rang for over a minute. Jamie hung up. "There's no reply. Trust Lydia not to be there when I need her.@

The sergeant shrugged. Chuck, Jenny, he called.

Chuck, an all-in wrestler who by the look of him had lost all his bouts, and Jenny, who looked like a man in drag came out of a side room.

Holding cells. The sergeant said.

Jenny, took Maria's arm and led her away, protesting loudly.

Chuck grabbed Jamie, This way, mister. He pushed Jamie through a door, own a short passage, unlocked a cell door and shoved him in. A group of men were playing poker at one side. A couple of drunks lay on the floor snoring, farting and stinking of sour wine. Two African Americans, one tall and lean, the other heavily muscled, nudged one another. Hey man, what we got here? the tall man said.

Don't mess with him, the guard growled. The steel door clanged shut.

That's a hotsy-dandy shirt you got there, dude. Hey, Sammy, mellow shirt the cake-eater's wearing. Betcha that'd look good on me.

Jamie looked at the stale sweat marked tee shirt that smelled of sour beer and stale pizza and shuddered. "Anything would look better than that mess.@ he said.

Hey, a Limey man. You some kind of flip-lipped hodad?

Huh?

Sammy, we got us a smart-ass peckerhead here. A goobatron in a jivey blue shirt from jolly old. Take the shirt off, dude.

AI=m Canadian,@ Jamie said.

One of the drunks struggled to sit up, burped noisily and vomited. Jamie leapt in the air a split second before vomit hit his legs.

The men laughed. Jeez, Nicky, see the dude move? Man!

The drunk looked up with bloodshot eyes then collapsed, snoring before his head hit the ground.

Oh God. That's disgusting. What a stink. Jamie moved away and squatted down beside the card players.

Sammy, two hundred and fifty pounds of bald headed muscles, shuffled after him. He squatted beside Jamie with a grunt and said cheerfully, If ah was you, boy, ah'd give Nicky the shirt off'n ma back.

You must be a good friend, Jamie replied.

Ah am and it'd be easier than having ma arm broke accidental like. Sammy smiled benignly. His hand, the size of a large catcher's mitt, grasped Jamie's arm. Yeah, man, crazy how freaky things happen.

Jamie’s arm felt as though it was being crushed. Ow. Bugger off. I’ll be cold without a shirt. The card players ignored him. The drunks continued snoring.

The dude don't wanna get cold. You gonna give him you'rn shirt, Nicky?

Nicky ran his hands over his chest. The tee shirt=s skull head with glaring blood shot eyes over blood dripping, letters, stains and holes, was labeled A. .uck you"

Jamie wondered if it once read, >Good luck to you.=

Nicky pulled the T-shirt over his head. Okay man, fair trade.

Sammy nodded agreement.

"I=m not going to trade for that! No way. Jamie cried.

Sammy tightened his grip.

AOw. Jesus, that hurts, Alright, take the damned thing.

AThat=s right neighborly of y=," Sammy said and dragged Jamie=s shirt over his head and handed it to Nicky.

AHey, watch it that was an expensive . . . A The tee-shirt hit him in the face. AOh, God,@ he spluttered,@ I'll puke if I wear this. But he was shivering from the air conditioning. Damn it." He held his breath and pulled it over his head.

The shirt was a good fit on Nicky. He braced his arms. Hey man, this is real wiggy. How d'ya like it, Sammy?

AGreat ASammy beamed and slapped Jamie on the back sending him stumbling across