Barnaby's Shorts (Volume Three): Barnaby's Shorts, #3

By Barnaby Wilde

Ten more coffee break sized stories. A varied collection to suit all tastes,ideal for reading in the bath, on the train, in bed or on the beach.
A hint of sci fi in Cube Roots; gentle humour from the world of the Vertigo Research Labs in Jocelyn; adventure in Where Angels Fear to Tread; A shaggy dog story and an old man's search for his roots in Visiting Worseley.
What if dragons were very small? Why is Jack running, jumping, never standing still? Why does Jethro need a tractor to move house? Answers to these mysteries and more inside.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Barnaby Wilde
• Release date: Oct 28, 2012
• ISBN: 9781301001392

Barnaby Wilde

Barnaby Wilde is the pen name of Tim Fisher. Tim was born in 1947 in Hertfordshire, United Kingdom, but grew up and was educated in the West Country. He graduated with a Physics degree in 1969 and worked in manufacturing and quality control for a multinational photographic company for 30 years before taking an early retirement to pursue other interests. He has two grown up children and currently lives happily in Devon.

Book preview

Barnaby's Shorts

(volume 3)

A collection of short stories

By

Barnaby Wilde

Copyright 2012 by Barnaby Wilde

Barnaby Wilde asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

Published by Smashwords

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Cover picture: Barnaby's Shorts, original self portrait by Barnaby Wilde

Other published works by the author available as ebooks.

A Question of Alignment – a Tom Fletcher novel

I Keep Thinking It's Tuesday – a Tom Fletcher novel

Every Which Way but East – a Tom Fletcher novel

Animalia – a collection of quirky verse with an animal theme

Life… -- a collection of verse on a vaguely 'life' related theme

The Blind Philospher and the God of Small Things -- more verse, with a philosophical theme and bad puns.

Not at all Rhinocerus – a collection of verse with almost no mention of rhinoceros

A Little Bit Elephant – a collection of very quirky verse which is only slightly elephant.

Tunnel Vision – a collection of longer verses featuring flying saucers, dining tables, whales and shoes, with puns and jokes as usual.

The Well Boiled Icycle -- 35 New 'quirky' poems featuring Clockwork Wellingtons, Goldfish, Jugglers and Gingerbread Men, but not necessarily in that order.

Barnaby's Shorts (volumes 1 and 2) – ten coffee break length short stories in each to suit all tastes.

For more information visit www.barnaby-wilde.co.uk

Barnaby's Shorts (Volume Three)

Table of Contents

Where Angels Fear to Tread … If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is too good to be true.

Shaggy Dog Story … A man and a dog take a walk in the country.

Jumping Jack … Running, jumping, never standing still.

Cube Roots … A cube is just a cube, isn't it?

Dottie's Guy … Remember, remember the fifth of November.

Jethro Moves House … Moving house is more than just shifting furniture.

A Tall Story … A way to tackle the housing crisis.

Jocelyn … What's in a name? Another tale from the Vertigo Research Facility.

The Trouble with Dragons … What if dragons were very small?

Visiting Worseley … A drowned village re-emerges from the lake.

Other works by Barnaby Wilde

Where Angels Fear to Tread

We've all seen those signs. Tied to lamp posts or hung on railings on all the approaches to the main roundabouts around London. Earn thousands in your spare time. Earn forty pounds an hour. Earn hundreds for just a few hours work. All with some anonymous mobile phone number to ring if you're gullible enough to want to enquire. Like most people, I've always assumed that if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is too good to be true.

Until I saw the sign that seemed to be aimed directly at me, that is.

My job as a cycle courier takes me all round central London. That's cycle as in pedal cycle, or good old fashioned push bike as my old man used to call them, not cycle as in the motorised version. In central London a push bike is often the quickest way to cut through the congestion and I'm hired to ferry small packages that are urgent. I can get pretty much anywhere in under an hour in the centre of town. I can only carry small packages, though, which are mostly legal papers these days.

I like being out in the fresh air. Well, the relatively fresh air if you can ignore the exhaust fumes. I like the freedom of pretty much being my own boss while I'm on the bike and I like the exercise. It fits in with my other main interest of distance running. Cycling is good for developing the leg muscles.

Which is why I suddenly took an interest in one of those roundabout posters, that seemed to be aimed squarely at me. The sign said, 'Marathon Runner wanted. £500' and there was the usual anonymous mobile phone number at the bottom.

I did a complete circuit of the roundabout in order to read the notice again. It was hand lettered, as they often are, but there was no other information beyond the four words stated and the phone number.

I used my mobile phone camera to snap the poster and then raced on with my delivery.

I pretty much forgot about it for the rest of the day until I was back in my bedsit in the evening and took a call from my mate Brian. It was after ringing off from talking to him that I remembered the photo of the poster and called it up on the screen. It didn't tell me any more than the original poster, of course, but for some reason, I guess it was the thought of the money, I overcame my normal evening lethargy and dialled the number.

I was surprised when the call was answered by a well spoken, male voice that sounded as if it could be someone probably around middle aged. He seemed friendly and asked me a couple of questions about my running experience. We arranged to meet the following evening in a local bar.

I got there first and was sat in the corner nursing a half pint when Jack Weaver, as he introduced himself, walked in a few minutes later.

As I'd thought from his voice on the phone, he was white, probably around fifty years old and dressed in designer 'smart casual' gear I guess you'd call it. He wasn't carrying a whole lot of excess weight, in fact he looked pretty fit. Every inch the successful business man. I, on the contrary, was wearing cycling shorts and a tight fitting top that had seen better days. My cycling helmet was parked on the seat beside me. Maybe you'll understand why five hundred pounds sounded so interesting to me.

Jack bought me another drink without enquiring whether I wanted one and sat opposite me at the small table. The pub was pretty quiet and there were no other punters nearby.

So you'd like to earn some cash, he said after he'd sat down. Tell me a bit about yourself.

Not much to tell, really, I mumbled. I'm twenty eight. Single. Live on my own. Run for pleasure and cycle for money.

He chuckled. So, I guess if someone was willing to pay you to run that would nicely combine both business and pleasure.

I guess, I replied, but I didn't really understand why anyone would pay me to run.

How good are you? he asked.

Not bad. I make the County Team on a pretty regular basis. Never quite made it to the National Team, but there's still time.

We're looking for a hare, he said.

I gave a small nod and waited for him to continue.

There's a group of us, just half a dozen business men like me, who like to go paintballing from time to time, he said. Have you ever done that?

Paintballing? I asked. That's where you run round in the woods shooting one another with paint pellets, isn't it?

Jack chuckled again. Pretty much sums it up, he said.

I shook my head. Can't say it's ever appealed to me. I don't have much spare cash anyway for that sort of thing.

What if we paid you to play, so it didn't cost you a penny? Five hundred smackeroos for one day's paintballing. How does that sound?

Why would you pay me, or anyone else for that matter?

Because we can afford it, he said, calling across to the bar for two more drinks. I hadn't even finished my first one and there was already a second one lined up on the table in front of me.

He explained that they'd got a bit bored with running round the woods shooting each other and they'd had the idea that it would be more interesting to have a hare to chase.

I still didn't understand why they'd need a marathon runner.

One of our group owns an island, he said. We're going to go up there in a couple of weeks time and use the whole island for a bit of a game. We need someone with a bit of stamina to be the hare for us to track. It's just a bit of fun, but we want the hare to make it a bit more demanding than the usual running round in the woods. There's decent accommodation on the island, well, decent enough, and there'll be food and drink in plenty.

The thought of five hundred pounds was a pretty strong motivator. I was interested.

So, all I'd have to do is run around and hide so you can shoot paintballs at me?

Pretty much, he agreed. In fact, if you're good enough, we might not even find you. Whether we do or not, there's five hundred in it for you, in cash.

How would I get to this island? I don't have a car.

That's fine. I'll take you in mine. The others are going by helicopter.

Helicopter? Wow. These guys certainly weren't short of money. Maybe five hundred was nothing to them. OK, I said. I'll do it.

I should have remembered my first thought when I saw the roundabout poster. If something seems to be too good to be true, then it probably is.

I should have remembered another well worn piece of advice, too. Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. Right now that fool