Barnaby's Shorts (Volume Ten)

By Barnaby Wilde

Jepherson Thomas builds a life sized origami boat and the return of Dr Ratt in two new tales from the Vertigo Research labs. Emily has more problems with 'Grow your own man' beans and the Poachers Inn Quiz team catch a ghost. Ten new short stories in Volume 10 of Barnaby's Shorts, including a fairy tale in 'Just Another Tall Tale', a romantic meeting in 'The God of Small Things' and an anomaly in Space Time in 'Discrepancy'. Ten stories in mixed genres to read in the bath, in bed, on the train or during your coffee break.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Barnaby Wilde
• Release date: Mar 9, 2015
• ISBN: 9781311329523

Barnaby Wilde

Barnaby Wilde is the pen name of Tim Fisher. Tim was born in 1947 in Hertfordshire, United Kingdom, but grew up and was educated in the West Country. He graduated with a Physics degree in 1969 and worked in manufacturing and quality control for a multinational photographic company for 30 years before taking an early retirement to pursue other interests. He has two grown up children and currently lives happily in Devon.

Book preview

Barnaby's Shorts

(volume 10)

A collection of short stories

by

Barnaby Wilde

Copyright 2015 by Barnaby Wilde

Barnaby Wilde asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

Published by Barnaby Wilde at Smashwords

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Cover picture: Pipo de Clown, 1973

http://beeldengeluidwiki.nl/index.php/Beeld_en_Geluid_wiki:Info

Other published works by the author.

Humorous Novels (The Tom Fletcher Stories)

I Keep Thinking It's Tuesday

A Question of Alignment

Every Which Way but East

Quirky Verse

Animalia

Life…

The Blind Philosopher and the God of Small Things

Not at all Rhinocerus

A Little Bit Elephant

Tunnel Vision

The Well Boiled Icycle

Short Story Collections

Barnaby's Shorts (volumes 1 to 9)

Vertigo, tales from the Vertigo Labs

Chameleons

Love

Detective Fiction (The Mercedes Drew Mysteries)

Flowers for Mercedes

Free Running

Flandra

Smile for the Camera

Barnaby's Shorts (Volume Ten)

Table of Contents

Amazonia ………………………… A Vertigo Labs story

The Fab Aces …………………… More grow your own man problems

The Woods ………………………. A history of failed relationships

Things That Go Bump in the Night A Poacher's Inn story

Spider ……………………………. A bean man's surprising talent

The God of Small Things ………... A meeting on the train in story and verse

Another Ratt Tale ………………... Another Vertigo Labs story

Discrepancy …………………...…. An anomoly in space

Help Wanted …………………..… Angie gets herself a small job

Just Another Tall Tale ………..…. Once upon a time

Other works …………………….... Other works by Barnaby Wilde

Amazonia

I guess I would never describe myself as a particularly ambitious man. I've generally been content with my life and happy with my work, even though many folk would think that the life of a janitor isn't one that they would envy.

I'm fortunate to work in a pleasant environment, in the Vertigo Research Labs, in one of the most prominent locations in the Science Park. I have my own little office – though in truth it's more of a store cupboard – on the top floor of the Vertigo tower. A privilege which is, otherwise, only shared by the Director himself. I even have a small window, which gives me a view across the park and across the city itself. There's enough space for me to have a chair and an electric kettle in addition to my cleaning supplies, plus a shelf for the science magazines and books that I've rescued from the lab trash over the years. It's a little haven of peace and quiet, where I can take my lunch and coffee breaks and do a little reading.

I may not be an ambitious man, but I am a curious man. By that, I mean a man with curiosity, rather than peculiarity. I may not understand everything I read in the science magazines, but, over the years, I've gained a smattering of knowledge across a wide field. Enough to understand the gist of the conversations I get to overhear, even if I don't understand the detail.

The Director and I are the only two original staff remaining from when Vertigo was established almost a quarter of a century ago, when there were just the Antigravity (AG) lab and the Magnetic Levitation (Maglev) lab, known colloquially as 'onwards and upwards', jutting out like spokes from our central tower. A few years back a third spoke was added when the Parapsychology (Psy) lab was created, sometimes unkindly referred to as 'who knows what', or even more unkindly as 'who knows why'. More recently, a new spoke was built, - the Optical Technology (OT) lab - which to my mind did spoil the symmetry of the building, but then I guess that's why I'm the janitor and not the architect, and why no one asked me for my opinion on the design.

It's Jepherson, by the way, Jepherson Thomas, that's with a 'J' at the front and a 'ph' in the middle, but I guess you knew that already. Most folks call me Jeph, or JT, if they call me anything at all. Mostly, janitors tend to be pretty much invisible, until something goes wrong, that is.

Over the years, I've seen plenty of people come and go. Some of them have gone on to establish bigger careers elsewhere, some of the girls have become wives and mothers, and left to raise their families. One or two people have left under a cloud and then there was Dr Ratt, of course, who simply disappeared. To this day, no one has any idea what became of him. Others have grown and blossomed within Vertigo itself.

On the whole, it's a happy place to work and I haven't felt the need to go searching anywhere else. I suppose I think of the people who work here as my family, though probably most of them would never guess that.

Mostly, my days are spent cleaning and polishing, emptying the trash and sweeping out forgotten corners. Occasionally there's a spill to clear up, or a small repair to make, and there is often a light bulb, or a fluorescent tube that needs replacing. Generally, though, I go quietly about my business without much interruption from the rest of the folk, apart from the occasional 'Hi, JT' or even just a simple nod as we pass on the stairs.

I was surprised, therefore, to be called into the Director's office a few months back, to join his weekly briefing meeting with the four lab heads.

Jepherson, said the Director, as I knocked and walked into the room. That single word was enough to let me know that he wanted something. Like everyone else in the building, he normally called me JT, or Jeph. When he called me Jepherson he was sending me a subliminal message to expect trouble. Subliminal to him, that is. To me it was like a warning klaxon.

Jepherson, he said again. Take a seat. Take a seat.

I nodded a 'Good morning' greeting to the four lab managers as I pulled out a chair and sat down.

Jepherson, said the Director, for the third time. I was beginning to get worried.

Sir? I replied.

We've had a request, he continued. From the local junior school. They want us to help them with a class project. I've been discussing the request with the lab managers and they suggested that you might be the right man to be our liaison on this.

Now, I may only be the janitor round here, but I'm not entirely stupid. The message was very clear. None of them wanted the job.

I'd be glad to help, Sir, if I can, I said, cautiously. What exactly is this project?

It's all explained in here, he said, pushing a sheet of paper in my direction. I think it would be good if we helped out. Part of our reaching out into the community and all that.

I took the paper and began to read.

No need to read it all here, the Director said. You can read it at your leisure. I'll pass your name over to the school and let them know you'll be in contact with them. OK?

With that, I took it that I was dismissed and pushed back my chair to leave. None of the lab managers had said a word while I was in the room. They'd nodded me in, in response to my 'Good morning', when I arrived, and they nodded me back out as I left. I slipped back into my cubby hole to find out what it was that I'd been lumbered with.

It was something of a relief to discover that it looked fairly straightforward. The children, ten and eleven year olds, had been challenged to build something from a single sheet of paper and that was about it. There was no restriction on what they should build, but it was a competition. The class had been split into four teams and each team linked with a local business, or company. The aim, apparently, was to build some bridges between the school and the local businesses and to give the children an insight into the world of work. My role would be to assist the children in designing and building their model. It didn't sound too arduous.

In fact, it sounded like a fun project. Maybe I'd be able to organise a trip round the labs for the kids in addition. I'd have to sort that out with the lab managers, but, since I was relieving them of the project leading, I guessed they'd have a problem refusing me.

It took a couple of weeks until I'd been given the OK in the criminal record checks, which have to be carried out on anyone working with children in the UK, and I was looking forward to my first meeting with the kids. I used the time to do a little research on paper folding.

The kids were dropped off at the Vertigo Reception by a rather harassed looking teacher, who told me she'd be back in two hours to pick them up again. My little group of eight was evenly matched, with four boys and four girls. They were smartly dressed in their grey and blue school uniform, bright eyed and very quiet. I guessed that the noise level would increase when they got a bit more comfortable in their new surroundings.

First, we had to dispense with the boring stuff, like showing the kids where the emergency exits and toilets were and what the fire alarm sounded like. Then we were able to introduce ourselves properly. I suggested that they called me JT. 'Jeph' seemed a little too familiar for me and 'Sir', was way too formal.

The lab tour didn't excite the kids as much as I'd hoped. Maybe they were a little young, or, maybe the staff just weren't adept at explaining things to such young minds. The one thing which did catch their attention, though, was the demonstration of the Reversal Field. You'll probably remember that the Reversal Field has the strange property of reversing the direction of anything that enters it. It's caused by an interaction between the Antigravity experiments and the Maglev experiments.

The children were invited to walk through a doorway, which had been set up inside a Reversal Field. No matter how stealthily, or quickly, they tried to pass through the doorway, they would