The Word Is Love-Lessons in Self-Acceptance, Relationships & Other Things That Really Matter

By Allyson Clayton

In the summer of 1998, after feeling sick for so long, I got the diagnosis that changed my life changed forever. I the autoimmune disease lupus. With it came chronic pain, fatigue and a host of other frightening symptoms that took over every minute of my every day.

For years I managed my life and responsibilities in the shadow of illness. I struggled to be happy. Anger consumed me. I grew tired as I mourned the former me.

After grappling with the realities of compromised health for well over ten years, and grieving the loss of a parent, I arrived at a place where I didn’t want to be angry, scared and sad anymore. I wanted to focus on what was good. I wanted to stop raging against my body for its perceived failures. I longed to revisit a long held dream: to be a writer. To start my journey to a better and more peaceful life, I needed to shift expectations, of myself, others and the world.

The Word Is Love-Lessons in Self-Acceptance, Relationships & Other Things That Really Matter explores the beginning of this long overdue journey, presented in a collection of essays about my experiences.

In a world filled with shiny, frivolous things and the constant pressure to be perfect and keep up, there is a joy that comes from being firmly in touch with what I value. As painful as it has been, illness and loss have had a hand in my evolution. They have put me on the road to what I am meant to do, and the person I am meant to be.

The path to fully appreciating all that is good in our lives never really ends. There will always be good, wonderful days when we are able to see things clearly; and there will always be challenging days when the negative get the best of us. I want to keep perspective so the good outweighs the bad.

Now that I am on my way, I know what I want to achieve.

I want to be well.

I always want to know love in my life and fully cherish my amazing family and friends.

I want to love what I see when I look in the mirror, honor my talents and like the person I am inside.

I want to embrace simplicity, focusing less on things and more on experiences, because moments feed my soul one million times more than things ever could.

And I want to know that aspirations are never beyond my reach.

I want all of these things for everyone.

The Word Is Love celebrates what is important. I hope you join me in the celebration, and it leads you to a place of happiness, self-acceptance, potential, and a love for what matters.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Allyson Clayton
• Release date: Aug 23, 2012
• ISBN: 9781476342320

Allyson Clayton

After many years of the usual grind, I began to reassess everything. I had many things to be happy about, but life and routine began to chip away at my soul. I was exhausted. Something just wasn’t right. I had been living with health challenges for well over a decade, and all that time I was managing and making it work. It just reached a point where something had to give. The time had come for me to work toward my best, happiest place. My philosophy? Our lives begin and end, and it all goes so terribly fast. I want to make the most of what goes in between. I am very much a work in progress. I imagine I always will be. In sharing the realities, humor and struggles of my marriage and relationships, loving myself, and finding the awesome things in this world that move me, I hope you can find it in yourself to do the same. Do whatever excites you and makes you happy! I have tons of dreams. I want to make my mark on the world, create fantastic, larger-than-life stories and publish them someday. I want to heal my body. I want to look in the mirror and love what I see, every minute of every day. I want to find inspiration all around me, and I want whatever I discover to make me better at everything I set out to do. I want happiness and adventures, with my husband and doggies along for the ride. And above all, I want this world to be a place where love, humor, hopes, dreams, passions, talent, good health, compassion for self and others, and living life without reservation are all to be celebrated.

Book preview

Introduction

In July of 1998, after many long months of experiencing a host of frightening and mysterious symptoms, I received the diagnosis that would change my life forever: autoimmune disease, specifically systemic lupus erythematosus. In one brief moment, all of my hopes, dreams, even my beliefs about myself and the world, were suddenly compromised.

For nearly ten years after the date of my initial diagnosis, I was able to function and maintain a normal life. I was content in my career and managed to work full time. My social calendar was full and satisfying. I traveled extensively and had the love of my family. And in December 2007 I had the honor and blessing of marrying the love of my life. But then things turned very quickly in an uncertain direction. How ironic that at the absolute happiest time in my life, when I felt most protected and loved, did my body begin to break down. By the summer of 2008 I was spending most of my days horribly sick and bedridden. Later that year, the economic downturn practically obliterated my husband’s business. My health prevented me from maintaining any semblance of a professional identity, and contributing to our household finances. I was officially on the downward spiral.

Anyone who has walked a similar path will tell you, illness has a profound effect on how you view yourself, on a myriad of levels. It wounds you, making you hate the way you look. It chips away at your intellect. It can steal every last bit of your confidence and make you doubt anything positive in your life. I spent way too much time being angry, sad and resentful; just about every painful and negative emotion imaginable. These thoughts did nothing to make my situation better. They did nothing but harm me in both body and mind. They were destructive to my relationships, and most destructive to the one I had with myself. My health declined further as a result. I knew all of this, but it still didn’t matter. Every second of my existence revolved around the negative.

But when my father died at the age of sixty-four, I became very aware of the finite nature of life. How every moment is a gift, and how tragic it is to spend even one in sadness and anger. I always wanted to write but I lacked direction. Something had to happen, so I could finally know my intended message, what I am all about. Yes, my life changed forever on that hot July day in 1998, but my journey started in earnest the day my father died. Raw grief gave way to clarity and appreciation for what it all means. One morning I took a long, honest look at myself. Standing before my full length bedroom mirror, I literally spoke the words I desperately needed to hear. Out loud and empowering.

The love affair starts today.

The love affair with life, myself and what makes me happy.

I haven’t looked back.

Accepting change, let alone embracing it, is never easy. It has been painful to accept that my body is ravaged with disease and is trying to kill me. It has been equally painful knowing my father suffered in the end, and struggled to know and express love throughout all of his physical life. This sadness will always be with me. But you can’t have the good without the bad. It’s about acknowledging the good just enough to let it shine through all on its own.

I am still working on ways to feel better. I have not been very successful in managing the physical aspects of my illness. Therapies both conventional and alternative have proven to be expensive or unhelpful in my case. I have developed secondary fibromyalgia, a chronic pain condition accompanied by extreme fatigue, as a result of having lupus. But there is light in this darkness. I am still trying to find the answer. And I have made significantly more progress on an emotional level. A thankful and happy mind has done a lot to soothe me. And this success, albeit very much a work in progress, is what this book is all about.

Essentially this is a collection of writings based on these experiences. This process has been my saving grace. Why do I believe my thoughts are worth sharing? The lives of everyday people are what interest me the most; real struggles, real triumphs and real fears; real success and ultimately real happiness. By sharing my journey to self-acceptance and realizing my dreams, I want to inspire others to do the same. We all have stories worth telling.

I am not a doctor, therapist or self-proclaimed expert in anything, other than being an expert in my own life, navigating the world not as a sick person, but as a human being with my own unique set of experiences. Our challenges are intensely personal. I begin from a place of illness and grief because those realities together served as my catalyst. It was because of them that I decided to love my life, for what it is and for who I am. But it could be anything, and many facets of me have served as inspiration along the way. Maybe you are at a professional crossroads or face financial uncertainty. Maybe a marriage or other relationship is ending; something you thought would last forever. Or maybe you, too, lost someone or you are facing a frightening diagnosis. Regardless, happiness can find its way into your heart again.

This book is merely the beginning. And I will start by saying the following: Our bodies are deserving of respect for how they look and what they can do. We are all worthy of love. A bright future is possible. Simplicity matters. And best of all, gratitude has the power to heal.

This world can be a truly beautiful place if we master the art of self-love and awareness, and inspire others to do the same.

I thank you, dear friend, for doing your part.

"I am the only real truth I know."

-Jean Rhys

~~***~~

Chapter 1

Peace, Love & Understanding:

The Journey to Self-Acceptance

"I exist as I am. That is enough. If no other in the world be aware, I sit content. And if each and all be aware, I sit content."

-Walt Whitman

A Life Interrupted

Autumn descends on us with familiar signs: falling leaves and changing colors, crisp mornings and early evening darkness, light summer fabrics make way for cozy sweaters. Even our bodies embrace a different rhythm. Something instinctual tells us to slow down, nourish ourselves with comforting foods and the protections of home, and overall move at a different pace.

The fall of 1997 began like any other for me. I was living my life and facing my responsibilities like millions of us do every day: career, home, finances, family, and friends. But I still found time to marvel at the changes around me. I anticipated all it had to offer. At the end of every season and dawn of the next, I was always excited for the transition. This time of year meant cooler days and snuggling up in my warm clothes. I was eager for the upcoming holidays and being with my family, to whom I have always been close. This time of year always went so painfully fast. I wanted to will it to slow down, to savor moments and togetherness, and burn all of it indelibly into my memory: festivities and loving company, warmth, big hearts, happiness and generosity. Little did I know my life’s course was set to change, and in a way I nor anyone who loved me would see coming.

I first noticed a change in my mood and energy. A normally even keeled person, I began to feel frantic. Things bothered me when they never would have before, and I began to sit at home to avoid situations. I tired easily, I exercised much less, and no amount of sleep seemed to solve the mystery. Days turned into weeks, and the weird mood and energy persisted. Friends suggested it was nothing more than burn out, an inevitable result of my ambition and long work weeks. Rest and recreation would fix it, they suggested. All I had to do was get away to a beautiful spot, or take some time away from work to reconnect with loved ones, and then all would be well with the world.

Before long I was crippled by fatigue, much different from the odd lull I had been feeling. This sank deep into my bones and kept me in bed for days on end. As the weeks passed I was overcome with swelling and pain that afflicted every joint and muscle in my body. My eyes and skin could no longer tolerate the sun. I struggled to breathe, feeling a scary pressure and pain each time I filled my lungs. I experienced a cognitive fog so severe that I could barely string a sentence together, let alone get through a day of work. I feared for my job security. I would pick up my hair dryer and for a moment not know what it was. It was not uncommon for me to put a hot coffee pot in the refrigerator, or get in the shower still wearing my bra. This could easily happen to anyone, in one isolated episode of sheer exhaustion. But it was happening every day, all the time. And in a rather scary (albeit amusing) twist, I did not even realize my bra was soaking wet until I went to bed wearing it. I reversed words in sentences, and confused completely unrelated things. I often replaced the word Saturday with schedule and vice versa, making absolutely no sense, much to the amusement, and bewilderment, of friends and coworkers.

The holidays came and went, and sadly I could not embrace the usual joy of the season. I will never forget New Year’s Eve 1997. I recalled the day in past years and how I always felt so hopeful and full of life. I had a New Year’s tradition with myself. In years past I chose a word, a positive word to sum up my goals and feelings for the coming year, such as faith, create, compassion, or love. This time was different. I could only come up with and feel fear and dread, even the harrowing death. It scared the hell out of me. I was in a terrible place. The pain and fatigue continued to keep me bedridden. I was too exhausted to bend my limbs. I could not tolerate food.

My extremely vain and single twenty-something self