Welcome to the Guilt Club: Taming Self-Doubt When Raising Kids

By Michelle Smith

From babyhood on, the guilt never ends. Was I overly harsh with that discipline? Should I really let my children cry themselves to sleep? I’m such a loser for needing time to myself. My husband is going to divorce me due to neglect. Have I fed my child anything green in the last six years? I just know my teenager lies because of that one time I dropped her on her head when she was a baby! “Mother-in-law guilt is worse than parental guilt! My mother-in-law was judgmental about everything from the bottle I gave to the diaper I changed. She questioned everything I did because ‘we didn’t do it that way!’ ” — Maria, mom of two. “My kids don’t clean up after themselves and it wears me out. I ask, then yell, and then they make me feel so guilty that I just give up. They act like I’m so mean when I ask them to clear the table. I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I think they should do more to help, but other times it’s easier to do it myself and avoid the argument.” — Gina, mom of two. My friends, it’s time to step back and laugh at our mistakes, appreciate the faults and whining of others, and have an open mind when it comes to crass language, chocolate, and drinking wine to calm yourself down. Welcome to the Guilt Club. It sucks. In this book you will learn: 1) The five major issues we feel guilty about. 2) How to manage guilt in an objective way. 3) How to change what we do to make our parenting better. 4) How to realize what we do well and stick to it. 5) How to stop our kids from pushing our guilt buttons. 6) How to change the dynamic of our house from negative to positive and much, much, more!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Michelle Smith
• Release date: Jul 31, 2012
• ISBN: 9781478192879

Michelle Smith

Michelle Smith is a resident of Auburn, Alabama and a graduate of Auburn University with a BA in Criminal Justice and Criminology. Michelle is a dedicated historic researcher and an investigator for the Alabama Paranormal Research Team. Michelle also published Haunted Auburn and Opelika with The History Press in 2011.

Book preview

Copyright 2012 by Michelle Smith

Smashwords Edition

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system, without written permission from the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in critical articles or reviews. For information regarding permission, go to www.LifeWithToddlers.com.

Library of Congress Control Number applied for: 2012912469

ISBN-13: 978-1-4781-9287-9 • ISBN-10: 1-4781-9287-9

Cover and interior design by Chris Smith.

Second Edition

For my peeps,

My wonderful gaggle of ladies who keep me sane, grounded, and fill my life with love, honor, and giggles. D, I’m so thankful to the Lord (and all his chickens!) for your friendship. You are one funny lady.

Contents

Introduction: Is Parenting Anything Other Than Guilt?

Who Should Read This Book?

Chapter One: Time – There’s Never Enough!

Keeping Up with Housework

No Time for Spouse

Traveling Parent

Work

Giving Siblings Unequal Time and Attention

Split Family

Needing Time for Yourself

Other Considerations

Chapter Two: Discipline Is Hell

Yelling

Hitting or Spanking

Crying

Tantrums

Bribing Your Child to Behave Well

Bedtime Battles: Getting Kids to Sleep

Co-Sleeping

Lying

Chapter Three: Crappy Nutrition

We’re on a Roll! Or Rather, We Were on a Roll

Fast Food

Hiding the Green (and Lying Our Butt Cheeks Off)

Please Just Eat Something! Refusals to Chew

Throw in a Medical Diagnosis, Please

Who Gives Up? I Do, I Do!

Chapter Four: I’m a Horrible Parent!

Our Mood

Our Actions/Reactions (Poop and Wine)

Blowing Up

Chapter Five: Neglect and Regrets

Not Doing Enough

Fussy Grandparents

Letting Things Go

Note from Author

About the Author

Toddler ABC Guide To Discipline: Quick Secrets to Loving Guidance

Life with Toddlers: 3 simple strategies to ease the struggle and raise happy, healthy toddlers

Taboo Secrets of Pregnancy: A Guide to Life with a Belly

Tiger Tamer: Discipline for Challenging Behavior in Ages 5 to 12

Fat Cat Bedtime Stories

Free Book - Oops! The 9 Ways We Screw Up Our Toddlers

Free Book - Fat Cat Finds a Home

Get free printable Toddler Behavior Charts, Reward Charts, Potty Training charts and much more at www.ToddlerABC.com

Acknowledgements

Ah, my cheerful editor, Leslie Fossen: How shall we list the ways I adore you? Who else would gaily look up whether or not to capitalize the word hell? With your Vulcan intellect and outrageous humor, I cannot wait until you crank out your own book and relieve us all of reading these tiresome classics and Pulitzers. You are an amazing mom, inspirational writer, and keep me laughing. Thank you.

For my contributing friends who are absolutely precious to me. Oh my gosh. I love you crazy, hilarious ladies! And the rest of you sweet people who write to me and share your stories: I know I’m technically a stranger to you, but I thank you for opening your hearts and giving me your support and trust. Group hug, group hug!!

To my little ladies, Poppy, Mimi, and Wee: What sweet little ducklings you are. I hope that when you’re older and actually read this book, you’ll understand how guilty I feel for having to take the time to write it! I wasn’t cooking with you or helping you with homework, but I desperately hope I never shooed away a need for cuddles. You are a gift from God. I love you more than words can express.

Last but never least, endless thanks to my superhero hubby. As I write this, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and of course I have nothing planned for you, being the rotten, overly practical, unromantic wife that I am. Oh! I can run out and buy you a circular saw or drill—would that work? I’m not one to find a mushy card or give a gooey love speech, but I will say this: You are the best father in the world and seem to adore me even through my terrible hormones, distractions, and constant dizziness when painting. What more could a woman want?

Introduction: Is Parenting Anything Other Than Guilt?

So I’m a very laid-back person. Wait. Take that back. Obsessive-compulsive, anxiety-ridden, and a little dramatic. But in a good way. So when I posed the question, What do you feel guilty about? to my birds-of-a-feather friends, I expected some ramblings about potty training and yelling—the usual stuff. Stuff that you feel guilty about, but it’s really nothing serious in the broad scheme of things. But one of them piped back, Is parenting anything other than guilt? Like I was crazy for even asking. Parenting = guilt. Isn’t that obvious?

Well holy schmoly . . . no, it’s not obvious! And back the truck up just a second. I’m a nutty chic who grew up on Catholic guilt, so you know I’m a glutton for punishment. But to equate parenting to one big pile of stinkin’ guilt? Wow. But then I thought about it. She’s right! What day goes by that we don’t feel guilty about something? And who imagined this as their life? What happened to those cheerful, happy-family images we conjured up when we first found out that family was in our near future? Did we picture ourselves yelling at our kids? Screeching tantrums rocking the house? Tears enough to fill buckets? No, siree, we did not. Nor did we imagine the weight of guilt that comes with doing the right thing by our kids.

Before I had my children, I thought I had motherhood all figured out. I knew exactly how I would raise them. I’d never lose my temper or yell, and they would watch only thirty minutes of TV a day—but not until they were at least five! I’d cook only healthy food and make sure they brushed their teeth two times a day. Pshhh! Whatever! There is a little thing called life that gets in the way! But even though I know that the life I dreamed up came from a crack-smokin’, clueless young woman, I still think that I should have tried harder and could have done more. G-U-I-L-T! —Sue, mom of three

Who Should Read This Book?

Moms, Dads, and caregivers of young children (up to five years old) will definitely get the most use out of this book. (Although we’ll lean a little more toward females, as males tend to have an amazing built-in guilt stopper—lucky dudes.) While there are several examples of guilt producers and how-to with older kids, alas, the subject keeps drifting back to those short people with engaging smiles. Can’t help it. They’re adorable, time-consuming, frustrating, and exhausting. As kids age, you still have horrible guilt—which can increase exponentially as kids reach high school and struggle with the transition to adulthood—but newer parents are the ones most in tune with fixing the guilt. Parents of kids in middle and high school tend to simply live with and accept the guilt and behavior issues, sporting a there’s nothing I can do now attitude. Changing the way they do things becomes more and more difficult. The unhealthy patterns of communication are so ingrained that it becomes a mountain to defeat.

So for the parents of younger children, while this book is no get-out-of-jail-free card, my hope is that it will steer you in the right direction, get us out of the guilt-funk, and help us make better choices as parents. Productive, positive choices. I’m no psychiatrist or medical doctor, and I’m not working off a huge research study. This is a down-to-earth, non-technical read. It’s meant to be friend-to-friend, funny, and light-hearted. I’ve been there, I’m still there, and we need to vent, laugh, and give each other chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.

While our guilt is real, it may be holding us back from awesome parenting potential. We must be secure enough to take a good, long look in the mirror and see what we can change. Or confirm what we need to feel good about. When Sally Sweet throws a whopping tantrum because it’s time for a potty break, we can’t feel guilty for fighting through it and making her sit that little bootie on the toilet. Whether or not we’re making the right choice as far as pushing her is one thing. But feeling guilty because we think she’s miserable and will hate the potty and hold her poop for the rest of her life . . . uum, no. Kids can dislike our requests to do such horrendous things as sit on the potty, but throwing a tantrum is not the way to share those feelings. We need to stick to our guns.

It’s necessary to break up the guilt into manageable parts and deal with the real problem. Half of the time our guilt is really unjustified when you step back and get some perspective. We need to learn what sets us off and how to tackle it objectively. Once we learn how to separate our emotions from the drama, life gets easier. And listen, I’m all about the emotional aspect of parenting and how that affects every single thing we do. But we’re going to get over the unnecessary guilt! We’re going to figure out that we’re okay, our kids are okay, and life is good.

You’ll definitely get pats on the back from me, but I’ve got to tell you up front, I hate boring books. At this point in life (I’m so old that my ass is sliding down to my ankles more and more each minute), I refuse to write something that will guarantee a quick snooze. I have a big yapper, make quirky remarks,