I Hate My In-laws

By Debbie Carrington-Klein

My brother-in-law is a lovable lazy layabout who has no shame in sponging off friends and family, and swindling any others. At 40, Bil still lives with his parents, refuses to work and believes he has a right to be looked after and mollycoddled by his mother, who still indulges her son by giving in to his demands, ironing his underpants and sneaking him money whenever she can. But despite Bil’s own apathy, he has a criteria with women and is insistent on the kind of girl he intends on marrying; “she would have to be very beautiful, intelligent, wealthy, well educated, successful, and subservient, preferably still sixteen and definitely still a virgin.”
Sister–in-law is a pampered princess, who does little else but shop and has as much depth as her reflection in the mirror. Anita has no interest in anybody but herself, and honestly believes that no issue in this world could have any significance if it has nothing to do with her.
Father-in-law is a big know-it-all and insists on sitting there like a self imposed guru, lecturing you and dispensing advice you didn’t ask for and didn’t need, but have to hear it anyway.
But by far, my mother-in-law is the most exasperating. Over-controlling, manipulative and deceitful; Mil must have her way and will use any means to get it, especially her biggest weapon of all – emotional blackmail. Mil loves to shop and squander on useless frivolities, which isn’t my concern, except it is from us she demands the money. Not that she appreciates it - but then why would she, when she constantly maintains a superior than thou attitude over me!

“It would be hilarious if it wasn’t so tragically true!”

• Language: English
• Publisher: Debbie Carrington-Klein
• Release date: Mar 6, 2012
• ISBN: 9781465830616

Book preview

Introduction

Where does the mother-in-law get off acting so damn high and mighty towards us? And why does my mother-in-law think she has a right to control our lives and order me about like I am a brainless twit? I don’t understand how my in-laws think they have the right to come into my home and exert their authority over me and my family. Can somebody please explain? Just because I fall in love and marry a man who just happens to be their son, does that give mother-in-law the right to interfere with everything? And, why do my in-laws love to criticize me so much?! Nothing I do ever seems to be good enough for them. Arrgghh! It’s so aggravating!

I had always considered myself to be somewhat sophisticated in that I earned my own money, had travelled around a bit, and was maybe even a little intelligent (maybe). I had a vibrant personality, and had been fortunate to have worked in prestigious firms with many successful people with whom I shared a great rapport. But all of that amounted to nothing when I was with my in-laws, because to them I seemed to be nothing more than a simple village girl.

The subject of belligerent in-laws is a common and yet sensitive issue and one that will resonate with millions of people around the world. Of course, there are those who get along wonderfully with their in-laws, and that’s great. But for the rest of us, we can all share in my exasperation and even have a good laugh at my witty and woeful account of what I went through with my in-laws. There are also other stories thrown into the mix which I think will astonish you as it did me.

I am certain that this book will strike a chord with just about anybody who is married and who will identify with me, the hapless wife who tries to do well by her in-laws only to fail at every turn.

An Introduction to my In-Laws...

Mother-in-law

Who better to start off this introduction, than with my mother-in-law? Whom I will abbreviate and refer to as Mil. She was the dominating force behind the family and who overshadowed my life when I was with her, (and even when I wasn’t). Mil was the manipulative matriarch of her family and had to control every aspect of it; domineering and demanding, nothing could be done without her knowledge or her consent and if anybody dared go against her, there would be hell to pay.

Mil had a lot of airs and graces, and liked to believe she’s far superior to most people. Because she flounces about the place, you’d tend to think she must be a very prestigious person, not by her appearance, but because she was so haughty. Because Mil holds herself in such high esteem, she sees herself as entitled, and just as most prestigious celebrities expect free hand outs and to be treated like royalty, so too, does my mother-in-law. Being materialistic, she was jealous of what other people had, wanting the same or better for herself. Mil had no qualms in asking for and expecting money from everyone around her so that she could continue to splurge on her useless frivolities.

Being as neurotic as she was, Mil was often too stressed to eat and lived on nothing more than cigarettes and raw nerves. Oh my God, oh my God! I think I’m going to faint! Was Mil’s most common saying; I would hear it every time when she over-dramatized on just about everything. Whenever she found a small problem, in her deranged mind, it meant the end of the world as we knew it.

Sister-in-Law

My sister-in-law had the basic principal in life, that if it doesn’t concern her, then it must not be important. She had no other interests in life but to shop and gossip, and just like her mother, Sil thought she was entitled to have whatever she wanted without having to lift a finger to earn it.

My Sister-in-law (whom I will call Sil), was never a cheerful person, even at the best of times; the sun, moon, and earth all had to align perfectly before you got her in a good mood. She was pretty difficult to get along with and never really spoke much, except that is, when she gossiped about other people, then she had plenty to say.

There was nothing endearing about Sil, except that she was considered to be beautiful and for this reason she was accepted in society, because, unfortunately superficial beauty was all that really mattered to them anyway.

Father-in-law.

What can be said about a poor unfortunate man who has already suffered enough? Fil (abbreviation for father-in-law) could never make any demands in his own home, and was dictated to by his harpy of a wife every moment of the day. She snapped at him if he made any enquiries about their domestic life, especially their finances, which she kept a secret from him. By her own admission, Mil always undermined her husband, worst of all, it was done in front of their children when they were small. If he reprimanded their kids for misbehaving, she in turn chastised him for yelling at them.

Having said that though, Fil could himself be a little difficult to bear. He liked to think himself as a big know-it-all, and there was no point of arguing back. Naturally, there are necessary age-old facts that only time enhanced wisdom would reveal, but more often than not, Fil would purport to know of something which he was clearly clueless about, but that never stopped him from giving his long tedious lectures.

Brother-in-law

At 40 years old, Bil is much the same as he was as in his teenage years; unemployed, irresponsible, lazy and indulgent. Ever the apple of his mother’s eye, she still continues to baby Bil, sneaking money to him frequently and making excuses for his aimless and fanciful existence. which certainly does nothing to encourage Bil to find work. Frankly, Bil (abbreviation for brother-in-law) was adverse to any kind of labour and had never worked a day in his life, which was evident in his soft lily-white hands. His days breezed by pretty leisurely, and with the support of his mother, Bil enjoyed a comfortable life without any stress, obligations or hassles, much to his father’s chagrin, who hated having a lazy, good-for-nothing son.

Given that Bil did have a lot of charisma, he could be a lot of fun to be around - if you got him in the right mood, and that’s with money in his pockets. Also, he was a quite a character and knew how to entertain people. God graced that man with a sharp mind, quick wit and smooth tongue, I would have no doubt he could convince Eskimos to buy ice. It’s any wonder your brother is not a conman. I said to hubby one day, he just seems so slick sometimes. Hubby laughed and replied. You‘re not far from the truth actually, he’s swindled a few people in his time.

A Day in the Life...

Staying with my in-laws

She came into the kitchen with all the airs and grace of a celebrity; somebody busy, important and entitled. Dear God almighty, what I had to go through today, you have no idea. She spoke grandly, in a deep voice, much like that of a drag queen, only huskier, from decades of smoking strong cigarettes.

Quick! Quick! Put the kettle on. Oh God! I think I’m going to faint. Mother-in-law flounced about the room dramatically, as was her usual demeanour, as if she was being tormented by unseen forces.

Drop the bags there, she gestured to the errand boy who, encumbered with all the shopping bags, was still waiting patiently at the door. She barely glanced his way, hardly acknowledging this poor child, who left school early to work and help support his family. There was no thank you, no expression of gratitude for his help, no offer of a drink and you could forget any small tip to pay him for his troubles. Not from Mil anyway, so I went to my own purse and pulled out some money to hand over to the little errand boy. I had never seen a face light up so much, just like a Christmas tree.

Why did you do that for? She asked

Because he carried all those heavy bags for you. I replied.

Pish posh! She exclaimed. He gets paid enough! Mil looked annoyed. You’d have done better to have paid me the money instead.

This was my mother-in-law, a thin woman with jet black hair pulled tightly back, reminding me of the evil stepmother in the classic fairytales, especially with the very high, angular eyebrows. She had a slit of a mouth which revealed darkly stained teeth whenever she smiled. Mil was a menacing woman, who was extremely dramatic, manipulative and prone to over reacting at the slightest thing. We had flown in from overseas, and had come to stay for a couple of months to show my husband Fabien’s family our new baby daughter Cherie. It wasn’t easy for us to be there, from the moment we had arrived at Mil’s house, we had been reduced to mere children without any sense of our own and were dictated to on just about everything – pretty difficult to take when we were actually accomplished responsible parents ourselves. Throughout my stay, I had to remain easy going, composed and good natured, after all, I certainly did not want to trigger any episodes from Mil, I knew what she could be like. I was a guest in her home, and I learnt early on, that in order to get along, I had to go along.

It’s hectic out there. Mil proclaimed dramatically heading towards the living room to lie back on the sofa. Disastrous! You definitely do not want to go out today. Oh, the smog, I could hardly breathe this morning. Dear God, why must I suffer so? She continued to moan about her long arduous task, which had now taken its toll on her. We all knew she was overdramatizing, in fact, Mil loved shopping, and happily shopped for groceries at the supermarket every day, regardless if we needed anything or not, then complained incessantly about it.

Finally settling down on the sofa, Mil lit up another of her endless chain of cigarettes, she was the heaviest smoker I had ever seen, and it showed on her face; her skin was sallow and heavily creased, beyond her years, her teeth stained, and she had puffy bags under her eyes, which may well have been caused by lack of sleep. Mil was up a lot during the night, fretting about something minor which she had over-dramatized in her head.

I saw Harriet today, eek! Mil continued talking as she lounged back in the sofa with a compress on her head. "She looked more ghastly then usual. Why must I always run into her when I am at the supermarket? Does, she live there? I had to say ‘hello’, there was no avoiding it, and you should have seen her trolley! It was full of junk food, a carton of ice-cream this big! Mil gestured with her arms opened wide. I knew she was exaggerating, as she was always prone to do; she never let the truth get in the way of a good story, the trouble was she believed a lot of the nonsense she made up. No wonder she is so big, with her great big tummy and don’t even get me started on her thighs." I giggled in spite of myself. I knew mocking other people was a low source of humor, and I was no thin twig myself, it was just the way Mil was saying it, with her face all contorted and the way in which she spoke as she emphasized her words so animatedly. It was humorous to watch; I was laughing as much at her as I was at her joke.

As Mil laid back on the sofa, exhausted from her couple of hours shopping I went into the kitchen to prepare the tea on the tray. A teabag in a mug would not do here, it was vulgar in their eyes, and must be prepared in the centuries old custom of brewing slowing. The small teapot with the strong tea was never ever put on direct heat, rather, it sat on a larger teapot, from which the steam of the hot boiling water would be used to slowly brew the tea. This process takes a good 40 minutes minimum but it is worth it for the aroma and flavour.

The phone rang, I went to pick it up the hand piece but knew better than to answer it myself, having previously been reprimanded because my accent was bad and nobody could understand me. I handed the phone to Mil who answered in her usual ‘theatrical diva’ voice. "Alo? Aaalllllo? Ahhhh darling, your ears must have been burning, I was just telling my daughter-in-law that I ran into you this morning. Mil said smoothly as she lit another cigarette. No, not at all! I was glad I ran into you. To see your face is like seeing the glow of the rising sun. Tell me, have you lost weight?" I left Mil to her falsities and went to the kitchen to put away the groceries.

It was time to feed Cherie, but before strapping her in the high chair, we had tickles and cuddles, I relished this time with my baby daughter, it was rare having alone time with her these days as she had been taken over by Mil. Give me that child. Mil would often say, grabbing Cherie from me. Unless it was to feed or bath Cherie, I hardly spent any quality time with her.

Hasn’t Fabien gotten up yet? Mil asked It’s nearly 2pm. Fabien usually slept in until 3 o’clock, it was unbelievable that somebody could sleep in so late in the afternoon, but not surprising, considering that he and his brother Bil stayed up until the early hours drinking, and God knows what else. Bil didn’t need to get up for work, in fact, he had never worked a day in his life and survived on handouts from his mother who absolutely cherished her first born son. "Anyway, better take them in a cup of tea, they’ll wake up grumpy otherwise. I’ll go make them some toasted sandwiches, you make it too dry." Mil was referring to the fact that I hardly buttered the bread before toasting, but she liked to smother it on thickly for Bil which made my stomach turn. Knowing that Fabien preferred coffee, I took him in a cup and entered quietly in the bedroom, which absolutely stank! I never noticed the smell when I woke up this morning, but walking back into the room now, it really hit me. ‘What did they eat last night?’ I wondered, it smelt like a combination of garlic, alcohol and stale cigarettes. Fabien, wake up. I said. Your mother is asking for you. Fabien muttered something inaudible, I decided it was best to leave the coffee on the bedside table, he hated to be nagged when he first woke up. Modesty prevented me from going into Bil’s room, so I left that to his mother. There were times however, when I had no choice but to go in there while Bil was asleep in bed because our drawers were in his room. For some reason, the spare drawers Mil gave us to use was in Bil’s room which made things awkward, so I only went in there if it was absolutely necessary. Of course, I would knock first before entering. Sorry Bil, I just need to grab some clothes for Cherie. I’d say, apologising profusely. As I walked in, I would make a show of putting my hand up to cover my eyes. I’m not looking I promise. I’d say out loud. With eyes glued to the drawers I quickly ducked in and grabbed some clothes then quickly ducked back out again, always averting my eyes and keeping them covered. Coming out, I’d notice Mil standing quietly outside the door, just out of view, keenly observing me while I was in Bil’s room. Who knows why she had to spy on me, maybe she thought that she had to in case I lost my mind and decided to suddenly strip off my clothes and jump into bed with my brother-in-law.

Mil had already prepared a tray of ‘breakfast’ and was taking it in for her precious son. A minute later, I heard Bil yell out. Get out Mom!

Okay, okay my son. I’ll just leave the tray here for you. Mil responded.

Take the toast. Bil said, The smell’s making me sick.

Okay, okay my son. Mil took the plate of toast and returned it back to the kitchen, I looked at her incredulously. I’ve spoilt those boys. Mil admitted. ‘You don’t say?!’ I thought. She was disillusioned about a lot of things, but at least she admitted to that.

What am I going to do? Oh God, oh God, I think I am going to faint, what else can I do? Mil was starting to fret. They have to go and relieve their father in the shop; he needs to come home for a break now.

Mom! Bil called out from his bedroom.

What is it? She asked, rushing into him.

Bring me my cigarettes. He demanded.

Okay, okay my son. There was nobody, absolutely nobody in the world who could or would talk that way to Mil. She was scary to a lot of people, and yet, here she was being bullied by her own son. It was astonishing that she could let him get away with this behaviour, if anybody else tried to talk to her like that, she would have cut them down instantly.

Father-in-law, (Fil) had a little electrical repair shop, and had been there in the shop since early that morning. Every morning as soon as he opened his eyes, he walked the short distance to his shop, it was his main purpose in life now, and though he didn’t need to get in so early, it was nice to go in there and tend to the little birds he was breeding. Fil was happiest in that shop, he was at peace. I think he just liked going in there regardless of whether or not there was anything to do, probably to get away from his wife’s oppressive mood and incessant nagging. Mil did take good care of him but she could also be really mean, I witnessed Mil cutting down my father-in-law a few times, practically castrating him in front of me and it made me cringe.

Fil could easily have stayed in that shop all day, only there was no proper facilities except for a little portable gas stove on which he would boil his water and make his tea. Fil had officially retired from his profession as an electrician for a big company and could easily have lived off his pension, but he was still active and had a keen mind, so set up this little business to keep himself occupied and bring in some extra income. Fil was good at fixing anything, especially the little appliances the customers brought in, lately though, with so many cheap imports flooding in, it was cheaper to simply replace a broken item. As happy as Fil was in his little shop, he was getting tired and by mid afternoon was expecting Bil to come and relieve him so that he could come home for a break. Only Bil hadn’t showed up again.

Fabien! Mil called out, clutching the phone. Fabien, your father is on the phone, he needs you to go to the shop to relieve him. Quick quick. Your brother is not up yet, I don’t think he is feeling well enough so you need to go instead. Quick quick, your father’s waiting. Fabien dutifully got up, he wouldn’t dare argue with his mother.

Mil was now pondering what to do next, Bil would be up soon, and she would need to prepare his clothes for him, she had freshly ironed his favourite pants and shirt, as well as his underwear and socks, so she grabbed those off the ironing board to hand over to him. One would think Bil would shower first before getting into clean clothes, but he was not one for hygiene and was content to simply wash the sleep off his face and gel back his unwashed hair. Mom! He bellowed out from his bedroom. She rushed in, at his beck and call, as always. What’s wrong with you woman? I didn’t want to wear this shirt today! Bil easily got impatient with his mother, the one person who loved him more than anything in this world, and yet sadly, she was the one who he treated the worst. Okay, okay, I’ll get you the white one. Mil replied anxiously. Heaven help any woman who marries him, I thought.

Exhausted from her brief shopping stint, and then running after her son, Mil was ready to collapse. This family will be the death of me. She said, falling into the sofa and lit yet another cigarette. She was done for the day it was obvious and so, from then on dictated to me what needed to be done. Better put the rest of those groceries away. Mil gestured towards the bags in the kitchen. "I spent a fortune today buying groceries for your family, and now there is nothing left for me for the rest of the week. Mil moaned, as if she had no intention of getting the money off Fabien. I tried to put away the last of the groceries but didn’t know where to put them, it was difficult trying to cram it all into the fridge, rearranging all the uneaten food from the past few days to make room for the surplus food she bought today, which to me was a senseless waste. Debbie, is there any tea left? Mil yelled out, indicating she wanted me to bring her another cup. Better yet, let me come into the kitchen and drink it, that way I can tell you what needs to be prepared for dinner, but don’t go cooking anything yourself!"

Mil came into the kitchen to fuss about, looking busy with a cigarette in her hand. Mil was never without a cigarette and quite often would only smoke half of it before putting it out in a jar of filthy water filled with ash and half smoked cigarette butts. Then, when she was

Reviews for I Hate My In-laws

[PacificGirl · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Oh my God!! This book reminds me so much of what I go through with my own inlaws! So funny reading about Bil (Brother-in-law), he such a moocher! I kinda feel sorry for her for what she had to put up with, especial with Mil, but at least it was funny to read about it. I loved this book, it was a very good read and I could definitely relate to it.