Just a Girl: Our Challenge to Heal Childhood Trauma

By Karen Ann Harden and Dave Anderson

“Sanctuary Trauma”, in other words, trauma caused by those closest to us in our home environment, where we are supposed to be safe, often goes undetected. This is a story about how it is possible to embrace our childhood wounds that have shaped us and redefine our story moving into adulthood, so we do not pass on abusive cycles within our own home. She also names out the challenges we may have to reach out to those children who are hurting and who need us most when their home environment is in chaos. To challenge the old story of “What is wrong with you?” to “What happened to you?”.
This book takes you on a journey, a soul journey. First, to understand the dynamics of an unsafe home and how it can affect a child’s perception of life through the eyes of Karen’s shared experience; and secondly, to understand the effort it takes to move out of the path of being a victim to an empowered path of being your truest self. Karen encourages others to take this journey with her, to seek understanding, and to reflect on your own life’s journey toward healing. and ultimately to change the story of your life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Jun 21, 2020
• ISBN: 9781982249069

Karen Ann Harden

Karen Harden shares her internal conviction of how we all can end generational cycles of abuse within the family environment. She shares the intuitive paths she chose in a world and time when silence was the first and only response to trauma in the home. She combines both her challenges and insights into the value of forgiveness, healing, self-care, and kindness. She intertwines it with stories of her longtime career as a volunteer and professional in the non-profit sector embracing and inspiring young people to summon their resilient nature. She also touches on her recent adventure walking the woods and mountains of the Appalachian Trail. Karen has been an advocate, volunteer, director, program developer, grant-writer and fund-raiser for youth programs locally, statewide, and nationally. She has two grown sons, three grandchildren and currently resides in Northern Wisconsin.

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Copyright © 2020 Karen Ann Harden.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-9822-4905-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9822-4907-6 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9822-4906-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020910236

Balboa Press rev. date: 06/19/2020

Contents

Foreword

Preface

CHAPTER ONE

The Mountain And The Rock

The Trail. It Was When I Walked Alone That I Discovered My Strength.

The Girl. My Age of Innocence Came to a Premature End.

The Woman. Silent Consent Was a Rock in My Throat.

The Trail. Unsafe Man, Safe Man.

The Girl. My Dance Has Changed.

The Girl. One Good Friend with a Voice of Bold Love.

CHAPTER TWO

My Magical Mountain Of Books

The Books. My Secret Shelf Life.

The Books. The Magic of Human Connection and Personal Growth.

The Books. The Beauty of The Search.

The Girl. And Her Best Author Friend, Og.

The Girl. Radical Acceptance.

CHAPTER THREE

The Journey: Mastering The Mountain

The Girl. On Just Another Plane in the Sky.

The Young Woman. A Deep-Healing Journey.

The Woman. Understanding Others, Fixing Yourself.

The Woman. Fathers, Be Good to Your Daughters.

The Human Condition. Seek to Understand.

CHAPTER FOUR

My Brother’s Keeper: Climbing Together

The Human Condition. An Idea Whose Time Has Come.

The Trail. Connecting with Kindred Spirits.

The Children. Stories of Connection Amid Crisis.

CHAPTER FIVE

Taking Youth On A Journey: Empowering Youth To Bloom

The Women. A Vision.

The Woman. A Bright Star.

The Woman. A Message for Advocacy.

CHAPTER SIX

Rocks To Stand On

The Trail. The Top of My Mountain.

My Dad. A Final Exchange of Heart.

Epilogue

A Final Message from Me.

Acknowledgements and Gratitude

Childhood Trauma Statistics from www.recognizetrauma.org

About The Author

Foreword

Just a Girl is an incredibly honest book that reveals the unthinkable. The deep dark family secrets that no one wants to think about, much less speak openly about to others. Yet without the grimy, dirty, details, this book would not have the same healing impact. Especially if you didn’t understand the hurt and the non-stop seeking of healing and cleansing that has been part of Karen’s life all these years.

I believe that Karen has discovered that one of the only ways—the purest way to heal—is to help others through the sharing of her own story.

Karen holds nothing back in describing her life’s story, and that is exactly what is needed because what is happening today is devastating to our children. We can’t turn our backs or look the other way anymore. The innocence of our children is being lost and, as parents, we often feel helpless.

My own trauma was brought back to life reading Karen’s book. While my abuse was a physical beating type of abuse by my dad and not a sexual one like Karen’s, I was young, and the most vivid memories were not the fond memories of a wonderful childhood. My memories were the memories I wish I could wipe clean from my brain, my soul, my existence.

If there was a gun in the house, I would have shot my dad. What I remember the most—being curled up in a ball crying Stop. Please stop … I am sorry, I am sorry Daddy … I am sorry! I would run, and he would still come after me. I would hide under tables all the while he was lashing out at me with his belt or his fists. I was so hurt at times my skin broke, and I bled. At times he yelled and yelled at my mom—we children would hide in our beds, whimpering with fear.

Everyone who knew my dad thought of him as a very friendly, always smiling, churchgoing, Christian man—a hard-working man who took good care of his family.

Why did my dad have this side to him? It wasn’t until many years later, when I was in treatment to get sober, that I could understand my dad’s own childhood of being orphaned and being on the front lines of World War ll, which had created a man who suffered with his own demons. I loved my dad. He did many wonderful things for us growing up, but why did he have this bad side? And more importantly, how do I heal? How do I forget this part of my youth? And can I ever really forgive him, even though in my sobriety I have tried.

While I never saw my dad drink, I often wondered if his yelling at my mom were times he might have fallen off the wagon. I now believe that my dad was suffering from severe PTSD—post traumatic stress disorder. Maybe he was never in his right mind when he became unglued and took his pent-up rage against us kids and our mom. But he hurt me. And he hurt my mom—that is my memory of my childhood.

My entrepreneurial endeavors have paid off handsomely for me. And when my parents were up in age, I was fortunate enough to pay for their assisted living in a very good place that would take care of them. I can remember visiting them when they could hardly walk, and they had to be wheel chaired around to visit me. My dad always had the biggest smile, and you could tell he was thrilled to see me. I felt so bad inside because I really wanted to take off my own belt and whip him bad and make him hurt. Because now he was helpless like a child, like I was when I was a child. As he smiled so big at me, I knew he had no idea of what I was thinking. I felt my fists grow hard. It was everything I could to hold myself back from just throwing the hardest punch to his face to knock him out of his wheelchair and fling him across the room. I wanted to hear him whimper and cry out, I am sorry, I am so sorry!

I was deeply shocked at myself. How could I even think like this? Is there something evil in me? How could I still be hurting after all these years? Where were these thoughts coming from? What is wrong with me?

When I met Karen years ago, I was drawn into her aura of being a wonderful, caring soul. It seems those who have suffered abuse in their childhood, as adults, have an almost like obsession to care more than others to help those who need understanding, empathy, and hope. There’s like this inner radar that somehow recognizes others who are hurting inside, and we want to reach out and just hug that person to tell them, It will be OK.

Just A Girl is an important book that is a must read for parents, young teenagers, and every person who has been hurt as a child. The truth is often hard, but it must be dealt with openly and honestly. Especially today, when the songs our children are listening to are way too overtly graphic and suggestive. Back when I was growing up, the songs were certainly full of innuendo, but today the songs are a full-out assault on innocence. Furthering this rapid erosion of childhood innocence is the ability to access anything and everything on the internet. Video games of destruction further the acceptance of destruction and killing.

We all have evil within us, and we all have goodness. Yes, there is still good in the world, and Karen’s book reveals her goodness through her personal journey of overcoming hurt and violation of innocence. And that healing process is a never-ending journey to find peace and rest for our soul. We yearn for a cleansing of the violation that hurt us. What we often find is that within one’s heart, the only way to truly heal and wipe one’s hurt memory clean is through the purity of forgiveness. First forgiving ourselves and then forgiving the ones who hurt us.

One of the healing processes Karen shares is the comfort she found in reading books written by authors who were on their own quest for finding a better life. One thing is clear, we all need to fill our heads with more positive influences than the negative influences that are all around us in this new world of instant information. As one of Karen’s favorite authors, including mine—Zig Ziglar says, We must put the pure, the clean, the powerful, and the positive into our minds every day!

We may never heal completely, but I am grateful to Karen for finding the bravery to write this book. Through the hurt she suffered as a child, Karen has written without fear, her personal journey to find cleansing and forgiveness and in doing so reveals for inner beauty, which is manifested into an unwavering drive to be a positive difference in the lives of others. And no matter what we have been through in our own lives, we all come to find out that there is no other higher purpose in life but to devote ourselves to bettering the lives of others, even if it means having to bare the things we would rather not talk about. May God bless you Karen and give you wings of freedom and peace.

— Dave Anderson Founder, Famous Dave’s of America

America’s Rib King and BBQ Hall of Fame

Preface

This is a story of my own personal journey toward healing from sanctuary trauma. Its intent is to share my walk and how it is possible to heal and be happy while healing. Its intent is not meant to say what one should or should not do, or for medical, spiritual, physical, or mental health advice. It is just sharing. It is, however, a call to think about what your personal journey might be and, while on that journey, to do no harm to yourself or others in your midst.

As long as I have existed on Earth, I have been learning. I am speaking of wisdom. Seeking wisdom, while dancing with the craziness of childhood, relationships, work, career, children, friends, and for that matter, foes, is why we are here. It is all a little crazy for us no matter what paths we choose. The idea is to find less crazy through the process of learning wisdom for ourselves. I wish all people to be wisdom seekers, or rather, experience life paths as the pathway to our souls. But this means the proverbial finger must point in the right direction, straight at the heart. No one else is responsible for your personal journey other than you. It took me a while to get this. Life is the work of returning to ourselves, grounding, and the re-membering of our souls.

To both avoid and to begin my own healing, I used drugs, drank a little, climbed rocks, jumped off cliffs, jumped out of airplanes, joined organizations to end hunger, joined organizations to bring love and presents to people on holidays who were incarcerated or sick in hospitals, raised money for domestic abuse shelters, joined Big Brothers Big Sisters of America to help kids, and ultimately chose a profession to help youth at risk in poverty-stricken and underserved communities. I have been through two marriages and relationships. I raised two boys, now men on their own journeys. I bought a hobby farm to connect with the earth.

And now, I am on a mission to let it all go. Physically and emotionally. Why? I must write. I feel a desire to share my healing journey. Why? It has been a long one. Why now? I had to take care of one more thing. I took a long walk in the woods like Cheryl Strayed in Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail (the book and movie). Maybe I will change my name, too. I am not sure. What I am sure of is that somewhere in sharing my life walk, someone else will know what to do next or recognize their own sense of resilience. They may make the radical choice to end their internal suffering. That is my goal. I am a true Aquarius woman, which leaves me with a sense of ungrounded-ness, a sense that I must solve human suffering, and sometimes a loneliness within myself because I cannot seem to connect with people who live on the surface. No one has yet to put me in a box and keep me there. That has caused challenges for me, of my own doing, of course. Heck, even every home I have ever purchased needed fixing and loving, only to sell it after it was fixed, or lose it because of certain financial circumstances of whatever time of my life it was. They were homes that had snakes in the floors, squirrels in the ceilings, and newspapers in the walls dating back 80 years. Homes like that. Adventure or stupidity? Your guess is as good as mine. They turned out damn nice too. I have raised money for shelters, playgrounds, hockey rinks, ball parks, and youth centers. When I am done, I am done, only for what I perceive is the greater good for the communities in which I live. It has been rewarding and hard at times. I smoke cigarettes to get by due to the stress. Who does that? Everyone knows that is stupid. And everyone knows there are other ways to manage stress. Yikes. I am getting there.

But there was always something in me that kept me bouncing back. A gut strength or what people call gumption that allowed me to keep running the race. I have always been a radical thinker, a humanitarian, a giver to society wherever I have lived or worked.