If My Past Wasn’t so Dark…My Future Wouldn’t Shine so Bright

By Ms. Nique

During the time I was dealing with my mother and her reactions to Mike’s apparent abuse of me no one ever knew I had been victimized again, several times. The boyfriends at the time of my aunt Camille and Kim had been told of my abuse and apparently thought it was a good idea to try also. A part of me blamed my aunts for telling my secrets. I never spoke to anyone of these secrets out of fear of loosing more family. I know you’re probably reading this wondering why I didn’t tell anyone, well if you read the rest of this book I would think you could understand. I didn’t want to mess up anyone else’s home or happiness. I mean these were my aunts, the very people who were helping me through it all at the time. I didn’t think holding on to those secrets affected my life much but in the summer of 2010 I decided to release this burden. I told Camille of what her boyfriend had done to me crying through my entire confession. I begged her not to be mad at me and prayed this secret wouldn’t affect our relationship; after all we have become really close over the years. Camille couldn’t believe what I was saying although she wasn’t in denial, she had lots of questions and she began to cry also. She wanted to know if any of her other boyfriends had tried anything with me or to me and I told her no. Telling her the role her boyfriend played was like lifting a forty pound weight off my shoulders. Until this day I have not yet told Kim of what her boyfriend had done. He is actually responsible for taking my virginity. I figure it took me more that twenty years to tell Camille and although I will tell Kim, it’ll just take me more time to do so.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Oct 31, 2011
• ISBN: 9781465379009

Ms. Nique

Ms. Nique was born Monique L. Crusoe and is a single mother, poet and writer. She has written poetry for more than 15 years and has had it printed in several circulations including some local neighborhood newsletters. Ms. Nique initially used her poetry as a way to vent (get her feelings out) while dealing with some of the toughest times in her life and recently decided it would be better to let others read it because she believed she could inspire other people including single mothers in the world to follow their dreams. That is also what motivated Ms. Nique to author her new novel, “If my past wasn’t so dark… My future wouldn’t shine so bright. This book goes into vivid details about her life growing up and touches on many subjects she feels has had an effect on not only her but so many others as well. Ms. Nique self titles her self an advocate for the lost and unfound and joining in her mission to find her purpose she’s set out to motivate anyone she can by using her own life lessons to teach and encourage others. One of her favorite quotes is, “Appreciate life and all it has to offer.”-Ms. Nique She has held many titles, “Nursing Assistant”, “Employment Specialist”, “Receptionist”, and “Customer Service Representative”, but none of those titles seem to fit her personality like “Poet/Writer”. Ms. Nique initially self published her book, “The Definition of Me poetry written by a novelist”, in 2008 and then again in 2010 and now comes back to you with her new revealing novel, “If my past wasn’t so dark… My future wouldn’t shine so bright.” Since the publication of her book she also has gone and added other titles to her name like “Actress”, “Founder’, “Advocate” and “Novelist”. Ms. Nique can often be found performing in live shows as an opening/featured act, and headlining poetry slams and spoken word nights within the Minnesota Twin Cities and surrounding cities and states because poetry is her favorite past time.

Book preview

CHAPTER ONE

Grand Entrance

February 28th 1981, it was a day I don’t remember much of so I choose to assume it was a happy day. One filled with joy and tears. I’m told it was a day for the gods; this was the day I made my debut into the world, the day of my birth. I was born first child to both my mother and father. Parents at a young age… eighteen to be exact but they were married and I’m told that’s why I’m not a bastard. During my mothers unbarring labor with me it was determined she needed a caesarian section. My father was away at basic training… He had joined the army per his father’s advice so he could provide for his young wife and new baby. I guess if I really wanted to I could say my mother’s hatred for me started at my birth. I mean after all I had begun my delivery into her world crushing dreams. I crushed her dreams of a natural delivery, oh and that’s after several hours of trying to push me out. I entered this world causing mama pain. I’m also the reason my father wasn’t able to assist her with the delivery. At last I’m born into the world… A beautiful light skinned baby girl with a head full of black curly hair. Well, at least I wasn’t a disappointment in appearance! It is my belief that because I was so called a pretty baby; I got the necessary care I needed. Let me not fail to mention that on my mother’s side I was born the first grandchild and niece so everyone shared their love for me. My father told me of his excitement over the news of my birth. It was like his favorite story to tell me and between you and me it was one of my favorite stories for him to tell as well.

My father… he’s a good story teller; he has a way with words, yep a Good storyteller, a great liar and an even better excuse maker. According to my father they were all just finishing exercising in the rain on their barracks and going inside to clean up for supper when one of his sergeants came into their tent and yelled from the door… Private Crusoe stand at attention! once my father obliged the sergeant then told my father… Congratulations you have a bouncing baby girl and your wife is on the phone for you! My dad said he was overwhelmed with joy and like a team whose player made the winning shot he was congratulated by his peers as he went to the phone. He never really got into what his conversation with my mother was like so I can only imagine. After their called ended the very same sergeant who had informed my father of my birth told him congratulations, gave him a pat on the back and said Now I’m going to teach you what parenting will be like. He then according to my dad instructed my father to thirty minutes of exercise in the pouring rain. My dad admitted he was pissed but it was more of a bittersweet moment for him. I’ve probably heard my father tell me that story a handful of times and I have to say with every time he tells it his reactions are the same. I watch this man whose face is usually tightly frowned, with worry lines invading his forehead, loosen up. His features become relaxed, his eyes are kind and most of the time there is either a smirk or a gut busting laugh… Probably because I had cracked a joke or two. That’s a rare moment I share with my father. I don’t even know if he knows how that story makes me feel or better yet how his demeanor while telling me the story moves me the most. These reactions are real, natural and unexpected… not fake. I point that out because throughout my years I’ve been told many stories by my father, most were lies. Those that weren’t were excuses, oh and he likes to blame others if he didn’t fulfill a promise. Or do something he said he would. Hell now that I think about it I don’t think I have ever heard my father accept fault for anything he did wrong… Huh, interesting!

Although my parents were married, I’m not convinced they loved each other. I can’t remember my parents ever laughing together when we were home alone. I have never seen my father so much as kiss my mother. I do remember my dad coming home from work, I remember sitting in front of the television with my father watching wrestling or samurai Sunday karate shows as a mute. The only time I could speak was during commercials and only if it was a commercial he didn’t like. That was the extent of our father daughter quality time. Watching his favorite shows with virtually no conversation. That may not be your ideal father daughter time but it was for me. I loved Samurai Sundays… at five years old I was probably the biggest Bruce Lee fan there was, all because of my dad. I also loved wrestling too. I knew all the wrestlers and like any child trying to impress their parents my favorites were my dads’ favorites as well. Even til’ this day those wrestlers who some are old and others are dead are still my favorites. I know all their histories. I’m sure y’all remember the veterans I knew like Jake the snake Roberts, Andre the giant, Rick Flair, Macho man Randy Savage and of course Hulk Hogan just to name a few. Even though I can look back on those times and repress back into girlhood I can’t help but to think in my adult mind that those days and times could have been spent with him teaching me something about life. You know during commercials he could have told me how much he loved me, or taught me that it was wrong for men to hit women, or explained to me what having self worth was all about and how it was important for anyone but especially for young woman. Maybe he never thought of it or maybe he didn’t think I was old enough to have that discussion. Dad must have known I was smart at least for my age, after all I remembered all the wrestlers and karate guys’ names and I knew how to tell time to wake dad from his nap to watch his shows!

According to my father he potty trained me, taught me how to read and count… He’s the reason for my intelligence, the reason I could tell time. I know no parent is perfect and now that I have children of my own I also know parenting doesn’t come with a handbook or manual. I know that certain things work for some and not for others. Unfortunately the things I learned about life came from not what my parents taught me but what they showed me or better yet… I learned what not to do or accept because of what I had to witness happening around me.

For example I knew I never wanted to be with a man that punched on me because I remembered what my mother’s face looked like after being jumped on by my father. I distinctly remember a fight my parents had when my mother put my father out of our house. I was a child maybe six or seven so I don’t know why they were arguing. I do remember that earlier that day my grandmother came over to our house. Her visits were rare. While granny was there she taught me to memorize her phone number off my head and she had also programmed it into our phone. My granny said to me that if my father should hit my mother or scare me to call her and she would come right over and take care of him. Like any obedient child I smiled at my grandmother and said ok. I never knew I would need to call grandmother back so soon. After hearing my mother put my father out by telling him and his friend to leave she then called my name. Nikki, go in the bathroom brush your teeth and put on your night gown. Ok, I replied. I also asked her was my daddy gone and she said yes. I’m lying in my bed when I heard my auntie Kay come in the front door. I was excited and wanted to go downstairs to greet her but I knew I couldn’t because I was supposed to be sleeping. Just before I could get to sleep I heard a weird sound at my window. I didn’t know what it was so I ignored it but I did look toward the window with my covers over my face. I saw my dad’s head poke into my window. I was excited and I sat up in my bed, "hi daddy!’ I whispered. Dad waved at me with a smile on his face and told me to be quiet and to go back to sleep. I said ok but then asked him why he was climbing in through the window, he told me he and mama was playing a game. I was a kid so I didn’t know any better; I bought his explanation and lay back down in my bed. I watched my father walk out of my room and I closed my eyes.

CHAPTER TWO

Granny’s my hero

I heard my mom scream really loud. I thought it was because she had lost the game her and my dad was playing but then after my moms scream I heard Auntie Kim scream… Reggie don’t put yo hands on my sister, you need to just leave! Next I heard muffled voices and banging noises, then I heard a man’s voice that said, Come on man just leave! I later found out it was Kim’s boyfriend. I was afraid so I climbed out of my bed and snuck down the stairs just to be sure nothing was wrong. I went down half way and peaked down through the slates on the stairwell. I could see my auntie and her boyfriend, then their baby… my little cousin. At first I sat back to make sure they didn’t see me but I soon realized they were focused on something else. I peeked again and looked in the direction they were looking toward, and then I saw it. There was my mama on the floor laying flat on her back and my father was on top of her hitting her and screaming at her. I didn’t know what to do so I yelled at my dad to get off my mama. When he didn’t I screamed again… Daddy get off of my mama! by this time I’m crying and walking toward them. My father acted as though he didn’t hear me, I saw my mother look up at me. Her eyes were red, her lip swollen and she said to me… Nikki its ok, call your grandmother! I said ok and turned to walk away then I heard my dad say… You bet not pick up that damn phone! As you could imagine I was confused. I loved my parents, both of them but my mommy really needed help and my grandma already told me what to do earlier so I got on the phone. I called my grandmother crying hysterically barely able to catch my breath but between my hyper ventilating and the noise in my background granny