Surviving Child Loss

By Rita J Setness

Child loss is the most painful thing a parent will ever endure. Our hearts are broken, forever, and we will never stop grieving this loss or get over the pain. We just must learn to live with it, with God as our guide and comforter. Surviving Child Loss is about learning to live without the precious child that you have lost, leaning always on God and His strength, as He leads us day by day, minute by minute on this journey after losing a precious child. God is faithful and He will never leave us to suffer this sorrow alone.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: May 17, 2016
• ISBN: 9781512741902

Rita J Setness

I lost my son, Jonathon, on December 20, 2013. He was twenty six years old, my middle of three sons and a true Momma’s boy from the second he drew breath at birth. He was bright, funny and had a giving, loving heart. He is missed every second of every day. I started writing a letter to him every day about how much I missed him, all my feelings on losing him and what was going on in our lives. Soon after this I started a blog about the sorrow of losing a child but surviving this painful loss by leaning on my faith in God. This has become my ministry. This book is a devotional for parents who have experienced the loss of a child. Parents who have lost a child, will never get over it but with faith in the unfailing love of God and the hope that we find in Christ we can learn to live with the pain and we can survive the loss of our child.

Book preview

Copyright © 2016 Rita J Setness.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

Scriptures taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™ All rights reserved.

WestBow Press

A Division of Thomas Nelson & Zondervan

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.westbowpress.com

1 [phone]

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-5127-4191-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-4192-6 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-4190-2 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016907620

WestBow Press rev. date: 5/17/2016

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I would like to thank my husband Michael Setness for always encouraging me in whatever I do. When we married we vowed to support each other in the goals we set for ourselves and our marriage. Michael has exemplified his devotion to keeping those vows over and over again. He encouraged and supported me as we raised our three boys together, as I went back to school and earned my degree, and as I wrote these devotions, and he has supported me as we have grieved the loss of our son, Jonathon. Thank you, my Michael, from the bottom of my heart. I love you truly.

Thanks also to my Mother, Norma States, for her love and encouragement all through my life, as I raised my boys and as I worked on this book. I am grateful that I know I can call on her anytime and she will listen and give me advice on whatever is going on in my life. She has given me life twice, the second time when I needed a kidney years ago. Thanks to my Dad, Joe States, for his positive encouragement, love and support that have helped shape me into the person that I am today. Thanks to my sister, Lily States for all her love and prayers. I am so thankful for each of them and for their belief in me always.

My sons, Brandon Copus and Zachary Setness, have given me love and understanding beyond measure. They understand that though I try not to bundle them in cotton or need to know their every move I appreciate that they do not worry me unduly; they let me know they're OK with a simple text when they get home and don't get exasperated when I call just to check in with them. Even grown men understand the need for a mother to know that they are Ok. I appreciate their patience with me more than they could know. I love you both to the moon and back.

My brother, Jim Flowers, deserves an award for the most excellent brother in the world. For all the calls, love, and advice; for always praying for me; for giving me a warm shoulder as I grieve for my son; and for the beautiful cover photo of Jonathon and me. I treasure Jim's wife Lisa and daughters Ashtin and Caitlin for all the support they have given me through some dark times. Caitlin deserves special mention for doing such a wonderful job on the images in this book. She selflessly and quickly jumped right in and helped me when I had no idea what I was doing and I'm proud of what a great job she did. Thank you so much, Sweetie!

I would also like to thank Steve Flairty for his invaluable help as I worked on this book, giving freely of his time and insight. David Miller also helped shape the final version of this book and I was happy to place my trust in both of their capable hands.

Finally, this book would not exist without my precious son, Jonathon Copus--a bright, shining light in all of our lives for twenty-six years and eleven days. He was worth it. He will always be worth it. I would not trade a single second of the time I was blessed to have with him for all the sorrow I feel having lost him. I will always, always, be thankful that I was given the gift of having this wonderful person in my life; I am even more thankful to know that I will spend eternity with him. Praise God!

FOREWORD

As a one of Rita's former pastors, I've come to know her as a very sensitive and compassionate person. So it came as no surprise when she told me that she was writing a book to help people who mourn the same loss that she herself has suffered. I walked with Rita during the loss of her precious son Jonathon and I was inspired to watch her lean on Jesus.

As Rita grants transparency to her own sorrows her readers are brought from darkness to light. She gives an honest description of her pain and guides us from the depths of sorrow to a joy found only in Christ. I'm confident that those who read this book will gain insight, comfort and hope from the prayers and thoughts that Rita shares.

Pastor Mike Snyder

MONDAY

Child loss is the most painful thing a parent will ever endure. Surviving child loss is about learning to live without our precious child, leaning always on God and his strength as he leads us day by day through our sorrow. God never leaves us or forsakes us as we stumble through the dark days after losing our child. He seeks to comfort our broken hearts and lead us to a place of peace and comfort. God gives us the strength we need to walk through each and every day as we hold tightly to his hand. The best comfort we have comes from the joy of knowing that each precious child who is lost is alive in heaven and we will see them again. This does not erase our pain and loss but this does give us hope, always hope in knowing that this is only a temporary separation from our child. Rest today in the hope of that wonderful reunion with your child when your time here is done, gaining the peace and strength that only Christ can give us as we continue on our journey. Habakkuk 3: 18--19: Yet, I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights.

Lord Jesus, please give us all strength, peace, and courage to walk through this day without our child. We cannot do make it without you and the hope we have in you. You, O Lord, lead us always through these dark days of grief; as we feel the pain of our loss, you comfort us. We are grateful, Lord. Amen.

TUESDAY

The gulf between my old life and this strange, new reality without my Jonathon is so wide and so deep it is hard to remember how I lived my life before this loss, oblivious to the pain that was to come. We, as parents of child loss, are grieving for our beautiful, precious child, but we are also grieving for our old life and the people that we used to be. Every day we are yearning for our child, railing at God for taking them and weeping in frustration that there is nothing we can do to bring them back. We feel as if we are caught in a windstorm of emotions, never knowing where the storm will toss us next. The only thing that is sure is our faith, hope, and trust in Jesus. As we cry out to him in our pain and frustration he never leaves us nor forsakes us. He is always there in his unfailing, unwavering love for us, waiting as we reach out to grab his hand so that he may shield us from the storm of grief. Christ constantly reassures us that this separation from our child is temporary. He soothes us with his peace, love, and comfort as we rest from the storm in him. He gives us hope, always in his strength, sufficient for each new day, ready and waiting for us to reach out and gather it in. Isaiah 26:4: Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord is the rock eternal. Jesus is our rock in the storm after child loss; he will give you rest, comfort, and peace in this pain, sorrow, and storm of emotions that overcome us continually after the death of our child.

Lord Jesus, we need a rock to cling to as we struggle to not get swept away in our grief, and you provide, always. We are so grateful, Lord, for the strength that we find in you each and every day. Amen.

WEDNESDAY

As we walk with Jesus through the sorrow-filled days after child loss we learn that through our faith and trust in him we can find joy in our sorrow. Joy in knowing that Jesus is in control and that he has a perfect plan in place for our lives. Joy in knowing that our child is alive and living in eternity with our Savior; that they are running, laughing, smiling in heaven, where there are no tears, no sorrow, and no pain, ever. Joy in knowing that we will be reunited with our precious child, forever, when our time here is done. Does this make our sorrow magically disappear? No. But it does give us the peace, hope, and strength that we need to go on living our lives here on Earth, trusting and leaning on the strength that Jesus readily gives us, sufficient for each new day. Isaiah 61:3: And provide for those who grieve in Zion---to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting for the Lord for the display of his splendor.

Lord Jesus, thank you for the joy that we find in each day even in the midst of our sorrow, thank you that we find joy in you and in your plan for our lives. We sometimes do not know where you are leading, especially after losing our child, but we put our faith and hope in you, always. Lead us, O Lord, to strength and peace, sufficient for this day. We are grateful before you, Lord. Amen.

THURSDAY

Doing what Jesus leads us to do is not always easy. Even when things are going well in our lives we sometimes fear to tread where Jesus is leading us to go. It is especially hard when we are reeling from the loss of our child. Giving our child back to Christ is so, so hard. Even knowing that Jesus loves our child so much more than even we do does not stem the tide of tears that rise over and over again. The wound from having our child ripped from our lives will never completely heal. A part of us is lost forever in heaven with our child. But God did not lead us here simply to abandon us to pain and suffering. We will always feel the pain of losing our child but it does mean that we have to stay stuck in the pit of despair. Jesus is always there directing us, urging us on to keep climbing the hill of grief. He catches us, comforts us and holds us when we stumble over the ruts and bumps that are inevitable on any such painful journey. He never, ever leaves us to suffer alone. Jesus, in his unfailing love for us, will continue to lead us, giving us strength to continue our journey here on Earth, which leads straight to his arms when our time here is done. Psalm 32:7: You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Lord Jesus, you are our hiding place from the grief of losing our precious child. You comfort and love us, surrounding us with songs of joy and peace. We are so grateful, O Lord, for your love for us and for the strength you give us each and every day to keep going. Amen.

FRIDAY

Pictures and memories of my Jonathon's smiling face flit constantly through my mind, like leaves caught in the wind. I so yearn to see and hear my son and just want to hold him close and safe in my arms. As parents of child loss our minds are filled with thoughts of our child, sometimes to the exclusion of everything else, as we sit there lost to everything but our pain, as the hours slip past. We are fixated on the loss of our child and everything that entails. In our despair at their loss we feel that we could crawl through red-hot broken glass just to see them face to face. A million times a day and in a million ways we miss them. God gently reminds us as we cry out to him in our pain and loss that we will see them again. That this is a temporary separation from our child. God soothes our broken hearts as he whispers to us reassurances of our eventual reunion in heaven with our child. He fills us with his strength, peace, and hope, always hope, as we struggle to survive another day without our precious child. As we grieve the loss of our child God can and will give us the strength we need to walk through the pain of child loss. Psalm 34:18: The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Lord Jesus, we are so blessed by the strength that you give us to walk through each new day without our precious child. We put our hope and faith in you and your unfailing love for us this day and every day. Please give us courage and peace, O Lord, peace in knowing that our child is safe and happy with you and that someday we will see them again. We are grateful, Lord, so grateful, that you walk with us, each step of this journey. Amen.

MONDAY

After losing a child it is hard not to question God. It is hard not to want to know why this had to happen. Why we had to lose this precious child. The pain of losing a child causes us to cry out almost involuntarily, Why, God? Why did you take my child? How can I stand it? God in his love and compassion for us