Patched up Parenting: A Guide to Co-Parenting

By Angela J. Dunne J.D.

Whether a person initiates or responds to a divorce, every part of that persons life is about to change. Parenting, family relationships, finances, friends, personal belongings, residences, job performanceall are affected. Nothing remains untouched during divorce. As a divorce attorney, author Angela Dunnes job is to help people navigate through an uncertain, difficult journey that affects both parents and their children.

Co-parenting in two separate homes is tough. In Patched Up Parenting, she offers a guide to help overcome the challenges of post-separation parenting, and she shows how it can be easier and better for your children as she shares real life experiences of her clients and her post-divorce life with her two daughters. From how to tell the children about a separation, to how to carry on when you dont think you can, Dunne provides a powerful perspective. She shares stories of toppling Christmas trees and tough times while focusing on the children. Her lessons learned from her many teachersher clients, children, and co-parentacknowledge the pitfalls of divorce while inspiring parents to be better and do better for their children.

Patched Up Parenting presents practical advice and tips and empowers mothers and fathers to parent better no matter the circumstances.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Archway Publishing
• Release date: Aug 16, 2018
• ISBN: 9781480863361

Angela J. Dunne J.D.

Angela Dunne is a divorce attorney with twenty years of experience as a custody litigator. She also writes the blog Doing Divorce. Dunne is a member of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers and the managing partner of Koenig|Dunne. She lives in Omaha, Nebraska with her two daughters and three cats.

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Copyright © 2018 Angela J. Dunne, J.D.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

Interior Image Credit: Angela Dunne

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ISBN: 978-1-4808-6335-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4808-6334-7 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4808-6336-1 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018953592

Archway Publishing rev. date: 08/14/2018

Contents

Acknowledgments

Preface

Introduction

1 A House Divided

2 Transitions

3 Dashed Dreams

4 Happy Holidays

5 Special Moments Missed

6 Managing Your Mind

7 Moms

8 Dads

9 Blurred Boundaries

10 Permission to Parent

11 Courtroom Care

12 Support for the Single

13 Parenting Power

In Closing

Acknowledgments

I acknowledge you for finding this book, as you surely seek either to have support during your divorce or to improve your parenting or co-parenting relationship. The sheer intention of trying to make your situation better is the courageous first step toward meaningful change.

I am grateful for the clients of Koenig|Dunne, PC LLO. Each day, they trust us to guide them through a confusing and uncertain time of their lives. They are willing to be brave, truthful, and vulnerable, showing us the realness of divorce and the impact on children.

My team—Megan Andersen, Lindsay Belmont, Abbey Benson, Howard Duncan, Shelly Frank, Lori Froistad, Katy Johnson, Angela Lennon, Christi Leupold, Kaitlyn McClincy, Patrick Patino, David Pontier, and Michaela Seidl—all wholly support our clients and have dedicated their professional lives to making the process of divorce easier for our clients and their children. I especially acknowledge Marcy Rabe Cricenti, Angela Lennon, and Christi Leupold, who were on my legal team and supported me through my own divorce and carried me during many difficult days. I acknowledge my paralegal, Lori Froistad, whose matter-of-fact parenting advice and huge heart have served both me and our clients very well over the decades we have worked together. Megan Andersen, in particular, helped with many details big and small in bringing this book into reality.

I acknowledge Cristina Hiddleston for her sharp intellect, attention to detail, and generosity of spirit leading to a better book.

I acknowledge my former mother-in-law, Pamela Tiritilli, for teaching me that family extends well beyond titles.

I acknowledge Stephanie Tiritilli for honoring that I am my daughters’ mother as she gracefully became a part of their family. I acknowledge my co-parent, Eric Tiritilli, for keeping the well-being and best outcomes of our daughters at the forefront and for loving them as fiercely as I do.

I acknowledge Casey Dunne and Julie Halstead for being my loudest cheerleaders and for always seeing me as more than I am.

I acknowledge Gray Derrick for being my parenting problem solver and for providing, no matter how many times I need it, a different perspective from my own.

I acknowledge Genelle Campbell Thomas for being by my side since seventh grade and, without fail, repeatedly bringing me back to my authentic and genuine self—before, during, and after my divorce.

I acknowledge my law partner, Susan Koenig. Susan spent countless hours encouraging me to write, to be vulnerable, and to keep digging deep so that my voice may support others. She has been my generous, patient, and rigorous editor for years. Simply put, without her this book would not exist.

I acknowledge my parents, Patrick and Shirley Dunne, for setting a high standard for successful parenting and for teaching me about unconditional love.

Finally, I acknowledge my daughters, Anna Elizabeth and Sophia Grace, for inspiring me to attempt daily showing up as the very best version of myself. It is because of you that I have worked so hard at being a parent and understanding all of the lessons learned and shared in this book.

Angela Dunne

Preface

To be a contribution to divorcing parents.

To be truthful about raising children in separate households.

To provide tools to navigate the hardness of co-parenting.

To make co-parenting easier and more workable for parents.

To let parents know they are not alone in their struggles.

To better manage the parental relationship to help children of divorce.

Introduction

I Am Divorced

I LOOKED AT MY ALARM clock staring at me with ominous red eyes. I was lying on my left side, hugging the edge of the giant king bed, as had become customary. The remainder of the bed space only offered up sadness, for that space contained the millions of unspoken words, the silent tears shed, and the coolly burning hatred that had accompanied time.

I just wanted to lie and wait. Wait for life to move past me. Wait for the sudden resolve to be content in this loveless life. My body felt heavy, crushing into the worn sheets as I rolled onto my back. I pulled the old, worn, hand-knit flower afghan from my childhood over my head—the flower-patch holes keeping me from suffocating under this cover, from this life.

A warm, wet tear trickled down my right cheek, turning cold as it met the damp patch of hair behind my ear, joining the others. I peeked out of the holes at the dull, flat ceiling, considering the patched up portion and wondering if it might be a secret portal to escape.

Get up. You are going to be late. His voice hit the room, stinging like a whip in the air.

I remembered other awakenings to my face being suddenly covered gently with kisses—beckoning me to a sweet new day. What had we playfully called those kisses? I could not remember. I felt like I was trying to swallow a rock with the disappointment of not being able to recall this easy detail from a time not too long ago. Recalling loving details of my marriage was not supposed to be hard or feel foreign.

Then the familiar swell of anger filled my gut, replacing any signs of those happy bubbles I used feel when falling in love. Instead, the puffed-up anger fueled me until I had strength to sit up and put my feet down to the ground, the cold hardwood floors feeling like a proper punishment.

Hurry up.

I wanted to claw at his face or, better yet, peel my own skin off and run out, leaving it lifeless on the floor, to be replaced by a new skin—unscathed and unscarred.

I stood in the shower hidden in the steamy ribbons swirling around me. I blankly stared at the tile in front of me, and the image reflected back from the silver faucet showed a woman I didn’t recognize. My swollen face revealed leftovers of a sleepless, tear-filled night, betraying what I was so desperately used to suppressing. My skin was gray-tinged and my hair a dull, lifeless brown hanging over my shoulders. Who was this ugly woman looking at me? I stared down at my bloated body. The toenail polish chipping on my big toe made me sick to my stomach. It was ugly and peeling and uneven and broken—like my life. I was ugly. My skin was ugly. My hair was ugly. My face was ugly. My heart was ugly.

I knew. I needed a divorce.

I Am a Divorce Lawyer

I SUSPECT MOST LITTLE GIRLS do not make the determined statement that they want to be divorce lawyers when they grow up. I am often asked why this was my choice. When I was a little girl, I would have said that I wanted to be a teacher, I wanted to win an Academy Award for acting, or I wanted to be a pilot of the SR-71 only because my dad told me girls could not. Generally, I wanted to help people.

My path to becoming a divorce lawyer started at the Friendship Home, a domestic violence shelter for women and children, during my college days. I was a women’s advocate. My title as an advocate made me prideful. I worked with women and children who were suffering from family violence in their homes. I became acutely aware of my privileged life and sought to contribute to families different from mine.

The harsh realities of these families were a stark juxtaposition from the 1980s TV families like the Waltons and the Ingalls I grew up believing in. It was in these days that I learned I did not need all of the answers, but rather, I needed to listen. I learned to become present to the women there and truly honor their reality—because so often, their paths changed rapidly as they battled the cycle of control exerted by their partners. In the moments when they sat with me, they just needed to be heard and have their experience in that moment validated. I did not know then that I was learning the single most important skill for being a divorce lawyer.

My frustration in working at the shelter was observing firsthand the lapses in the legal system. I had a hard time understanding why the court system seemed inaccessible to vulnerable women and children. It was then that I resolved to apply to law school with the aim of making a difference.

Fast-forward to my second year in law school, and my future became clear when Susan Koenig presented a lecture on domestic violence and the practice of law. Susan was the first divorce lawyer I ever met. She talked about the personal connections she made with those she represented, how she was a truth-teller in the court system on their behalf, and how she became the guardian of her clients’ vulnerabilities. She explained how the law addresses imperfections in human behavior every day. All I knew in that moment was she was who I wanted to be when I grew up. In the weeks that followed, I sought a lunch with Susan and told her I wanted to be her. We have been together these two decades since. This is how I became a divorce lawyer.

Now I meet regularly with men and women who are struggling in their everyday lives. Whether a person initiates or responds to a divorce, every single part of that person’s life is about to change. Parenting, family relationships, finances, friends, personal belongings, residences, job performance—all are affected. Nothing remains untouched during divorce. My job is to help people navigate through an uncertain, difficult journey.

I Am a Parent of Divorce

I NO LONGER SEE MY children every day. The everydays with my children, which I once took for granted, disappeared with my divorce. One of the starkest struggles of divorce is the shifting situation with children. For me and many of the parents who have sat opposite me at my desk, the children have been the primary roadblock to moving forward with divorce. We have been told that children of divorce will struggle. We have been told that our divorce will negatively impact their futures. We have been told that we are selfish.

When I contemplated divorce, I thought it was a universal truth that I was a failure as a mother for not preserving my marriage. The shame I felt as a result was debilitating. I stayed married five years longer than I should have, under the assumption that I was being a good mom by staying. Turns out, my assumption was wrong.

The April I filed for divorce, I discovered a momma robin that made her nest in the pergola over my deck. She had tucked her baby’s home in the corner by my decorative sparkly lights. I checked on her every day. She chattered at me from the nearby tree if I came out when she was not perched on her egg—warning me to go away. Her nest was beautiful and intricate, with tree branches woven tight and spare grasses forming a soft cradle. I could not see the egg inside because it was too high up and it was her sacred space, so I offered up respect and resisted the urge to take a peek.

When the tornado warnings came in that same month, I stressed over how I could secure a board over the pergola to protect her. To my great relief, Momma and her egg were safe through the storm. Two days later, I came home, and the nest had fallen to the deck floor and was now empty, no doubt the result of the ravenous raccoons that frequented my yard and trees. I burst into tears.

I cried for all of the hard work Momma had put into her nest and all of the hours she had endured to keep her baby safe and protected. I cried for it all being broken. I cried for it being beyond her control. I cried because this is how I felt facing my new role as a divorced parent. As parents, we work hard building up nests for our children, making sure our children are protected in every way. Then one day, divorce happens. You look around, and