Perfect Parenting: The Dictionary of 1,000 Parenting Tips

By Elizabeth Pantley

Your go-to guide for your parenting questions, from the author of the breakthrough No-Cry series

"Perfect Parenting will give you the tools you need to feel confident as you raise your children. This handy reference book may become an indispensable part of your family's life."
-- from the foreword by William Sears, M.D.

Perfect Parenting is parenting with a plan. It is based on:

• action, not reaction
• thoughtfulness, not anger
• knowledge, not chance
• common sense, not nonsense

This A-Z guide of practical ideas will inspire you to find the right answers for the many discipline and behavior issues you face every day. Inside you will find many options and methods that can help you be thoughtful in your approach to raising your children.

You'll learn what to do about back talk, dawdling, interrupting, stubbornness, whining. You'll find ways to get your kids to do the chores, stop ignoring you, and clean up their own messes. You'll even learn what to do about other people's children! Elizabeth Pantley designed a questionnaire addressing discipline problems and sent it to hundreds of parents. Their answers shaped this book to make it the most useful, practical book on discipline available today.

• Language: English
• Publisher: McGraw-Hill Education
• Release date: Dec 11, 2009
• ISBN: 9780071743556

Book preview

A

ALLOWANCES

See also Chores, money and Money

SITUATION

Should my children get an allowance? How much should I give them? Should it be tied to chores, performance, or behavior?

THINK ABOUT IT

The purpose of allowance is to teach kids how to handle money. They can learn from early experiences how to make money decisions when the amounts are small and the decisions are simple. Children from kindergarten age on can begin to understand the significance of money and its value to them. Given this opportunity, children will be less likely to grow into adults with empty bank accounts and an alphabetical assortment of credit cards.

SOLUTIONS

1 It’s best not to tie allowance to chores. If you do, there may come a day when the child doesn’t need or want your money and can logically pass on the chores. How would you respond if your child says, I don’t need my allowance this week, Dad, so I won’t be doing the dishes or taking out the trash. (See also Chores.) From this, I shudder to think why you would tie allowance to performance or behavior!

2 How much allowance to give a child has little to do with how much you have to give and more to do with what the child’s money needs are. Does the child buy lunch at school, school supplies, or clothes? Or is allowance purely pocket money? Does the child receive money from other sources, such as from relatives? It’s a good idea to give a child enough money to purchase his necessities and just a little more for extras.

3 Help your child create a budget. Discuss the value of having a set amount for spending, short-term savings, and long-term savings. Ask your child if he has a particular item he would like to save for. Find out the cost of the item and divide the total cost by the weekly (or monthly) amount he’s willing to put aside for it. Make a graph to show the steps toward reaching his goal. Celebrate success!

4 Let your child open a bank account for savings. Look for a bank that offers a special child’s program. Typically, these programs include a newsletter and special incentives. Shop around for the best program. Encourage your child to set a goal for a savings amount, and plan a reward to celebrate when the goal has been reached.

5 A junior- or senior-high-school-aged child can have allowances deposited directly into a personal checking account. This gives a young person practice in using and managing a bank account. At first, give the child one or two checks at a time and teach him how to balance his checkbook. Over time, and with practice, he’ll be able to take charge of the account. A big caution: Until a parent is sure the child can handle this responsibility properly, the account should be in both names, and the monthly statements should be reviewed together.

ALLOWANCES, and raises

See also Chores, money and Materialism Money

SITUATION

My child wants a raise. How can I make the decision of whether to increase her allowance?

THINK ABOUT IT

When your child asks for more money, it’s easy to give a knee-jerk yes-or-no response. Instead, use this as a golden opportunity to teach an important lesson about money.

SOLUTIONS

1 Ask the child to provide you with a written budget of what the money is needed for, along with a written request for a raise explaining why it’s desired. If the child is able to present a logical, well-thought-out request, it’s safe to say she’s ready for a bigger allowance.

2 Ask the child to create an extra job for which she can be paid. This should not be a regular household chore but something extra. Some ideas might include baby-sitting younger siblings, taking over one of the parent’s current chores (such as doing the laundry), or providing a service for a parent’s business (such as envelope stuffing, sorting, or filing).

3 Suggest that the child look outside the family for work. The neighborhood is typically a fertile ground for children’s fledgling businesses. Some ideas are car washing, yard weeding, baby-sitting, housecleaning, pet sitting, pet walking, or pet-poop pickup (a good choice because the neighbors are very willing to let someone else do it!).

4 Often the child is actually receiving sufficient allowance but is unskilled in money management. Help the child create a budget and an accounting log to record and monitor spending.

ANGER, child’s

See also Arguing, with parent Back talk Disrespect Fighting Hate, expressions of Meanness Respect, teaching Self-esteem, low Siblings, fighting

SITUATION

My child can’t control his angry emotions. He tends to lash out at others, verbally and physically.

THINK ABOUT IT

As a parent educator, one of my most popular lectures is entitled Understanding and Managing Your Anger. Ask yourself, If hundreds of adults attend a class about anger management, how can I expect my child to learn how to control his anger on his own?

SOLUTIONS

1 Avoid responding to your child’s anger with anger of your own. Your anger will tend to escalate your child’s sour mood. Instead, control your own anger first. (See also Anger, parent’s.) Reply to your child in a calm, even-tempered voice. You will be better able to direct your child’s actions, and you’ll be modeling the behavior you wish to see in your child.

2 Your child needs to learn that although angry emotions are normal, there are acceptable and unacceptable ways of dealing with them. You can help your child learn this by acknowledging the reason he’s angry. Often, just knowing that you understand his feelings can calm him down. For example, what if your child is angry because his brother took his bike without asking, and he’s shouting and swearing? Calmly acknowledge the reason for his anger by saying something like, I know it’s frustrating when Alex takes your things without asking. This will often cause a pause in your child’s behavior as he ponders this new response from you. Next, ask a question that directs your child’s thinking in a more productive way: How do you think you can get him to remember to ask? If he responds in an angry way, prompt him in a more positive direction: Getting angry won’t get your point across. What do you think will? Stay with him and guide him through the resolution process.

3 If a child’s angry behavior is out of line, immediately stop him and send him to his room to cool off. Don’t try to deal with the behavior at the peak of his anger. Later, when he’s calmed down, take the time to let him know, specifically, what he did that you disapprove of. Engage him in a conversation to develop a plan for avoiding the behavior in the future.

4 Talk to your child about his anger. Tell him that it’s important for him to learn how to control his temper. Suggest that the first thing he should do is learn to get control of himself before he does or says things that are inappropriate. Let your child know, in advance, that the next time he explodes in anger, you’ll help him by asking him to go to his room to cool off. Advise him that if he doesn’t immediately do as asked, he will lose a privilege for the rest of the day, such as using the telephone, watching TV, or playing with friends.

5 Help your child develop an anger control plan. At a quiet time, have a discussion about anger. Brainstorm to come up with a list of things he can do when he feels himself losing control. For example, he could put on his headphones and listen to music, go outside and throw a few basketballs, or take a shower. Have him write down the ideas on an index card and put them in a handy place. Encourage and support him when he uses some of the ideas. You might choose a code word that you can use to let him know his anger is getting out of control and he needs a cooling-off period. Either he or you can use the word to signal a pause in the conversation and allow him time to get himself together.

ANGER, parent’s

See also Arguing, with parent Cooperate, won’t Disrespect Introduction Listening, not Respect, teaching

SITUATION

I find myself getting angry with my kids much too often. I can’t seem to help myself—they really know how to push my buttons. When they purposely disobey me, or are outright disrespectful, I fly off the handle. How can I control my own anger when it’s the kids’ misbehavior that makes me so mad?

THINK ABOUT IT

Is it your children’s misbehavior that makes you angry? Or is it your view of their behavior that creates angry feelings? There’s a big difference. The first question suggests that you have no control over your emotions or actions. The second implies that by changing your view, you can change your reaction.

SOLUTIONS

1 Put some space between you and the child who’s pushing your buttons. When you feel your anger rising, either put your child in timeout or put yourself there! A few minutes away from the source of your angry feelings can help you calm down enough to address the situation rationally. Nothing can be solved in a fit of anger. You’ll be better off if you take the time to calm down and then approach your child from a position of strength.

2 Learn more about child development by reading a book or taking a class. If you learn that your child’s current behavior is age-appropriate and normal, you’ll be less likely to overreact to the behavior. It’s amazing how alike children are, and just knowing that your kid is responding in a typical way can help you handle the issue with a level head.

3 If your anger causes you to strike out at your child, you’ll need to learn ways to control your outbursts. A creative solution is to channel your physical reaction into a burst of applause! Seriously, when you feel yourself about to strike, simply clap your hands, good and hard and fast, while you express your feelings of anger. Try it now! Pretend you’re angry, clap your hands, and tell your imaginary child how you feel. You’ll find that in addition to releasing your pent-up anger, it sends a very clear message to your child.

4 Act—don’t react. Take the time to think about the things that make you angry. Put together a list of family rules. Enumerate the consequences for breaking the rules. Communicate clear expectations to your children. Decide in advance what methods of discipline you will use. If you have a plan up front, you’ll be less likely to lose control when your children misbehave.

5 When you find yourself ready to put your hands around your kid and shake him, do put your hands around him—and love him. Embrace him. If possible, do this in front of a mirror or reflective window. A few minutes of quiet, while you embrace your child, will often temper your angry feelings with the strong feeling of love between you.

HELPFUL READING

Kid Cooperation, by Elizabeth