Am I the Only One That Signals? The Journey Continues

By Bob E Sherman

Am I the Only One That Signals? The Journey Continues (2nd ed.)is a collection of tongue-in-cheek essays on everything from Alpha to Zulu. The book covers current and historical events mixed in with real life anecdotes. The author’s opinions are as unique as his habit for using turn signals. The book includes workable solutions to many of the world's problems, all of which are politically incorrect. The Foreword was written by Sherman the Shark, of Sherman’s Lagoon.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Bob E Sherman
• Release date: Mar 27, 2012
• ISBN: 9781476274089

Bob E Sherman

Bob E. Sherman was born and raised on the Jersey Shore. He attended MIT (Milwaukee) to be a diesel mechanic; then transferred to The U to study marine biology before getting his degree in accounting. A retired CPA, he is now a licensed USCG captain and former columnist for the Waterfront Times. His column, Dead Reckoning, received the 2010 Merit Award from Boating Writers International. His first book of tongue-in-cheek essays, Am I the Only One That Signals? was published in 2008.

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DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to all my friends, ex-friends, relatives, ex-relatives and acquaintances whom I may have offended or insulted by appearing insensitive, unsympathetic or arrogant: lighten up.

FOREWORD

Hi, I’m Sherman the Shark, star of the syndicated comic strip Sherman's Lagoon. I came across the first edition of this book while swimming off the coast of Florida. Probably, someone had fallen overboard while reading it. The human was never found. The book was not eaten as it has no nutritional value. The book is hilarious and it takes a lot to make a shark laugh. At first I didn’t know what signaling meant, as fish don’t have to signal. We just turn whichever way we want and the other fish can sense it. Some people drive like a fish on I-95 and it gets them into trouble all the time.

Humans are only good for one thing. But, I learned at an early age not to become attached to anything you will eventually eat. Then I met Bob E. Sherman. He is not very intelligent and is lazier than me. The thing I like about him the most, is that he doesn’t eat seafood. It’s not because he has a seafood allergy or doesn’t like the taste. It’s out of mutual respect.

I wrote the foreword to the first edition because I was the biggest celebrity that Bob E. knew. Now, a few years later he still hasn’t met anyone important. If fact he’s lucky to have any friends at all.

I warned everyone not to go swimming if they hadn't read Bob E's book. Many of you thought I was kidding. The Wall Street Journal reported that fatal shark attacks, in 2011, reached their highest level in two decades. Maybe you'll believe me now.

Sherman the Shark

www.shermanslagoon.com

PREFACE

Am I the Only One That Signals is a collection of tongue-in-cheek essays on a variety of subjects covering everything from Alpha to Zulu. As the title suggests, I consider myself one of the few people in this world who uses his turn signals. The Journey Continues is the second edition which is revised, updated, refined, and polished.

I am solely responsible for the opinions expressed in this book. They are based on over fifty years of extensive research and interviews with hundreds of people. No drugs were involved. I hope I didn't offend anyone. But, the genre is Provocative Humor; so get over it.

Throughout the book, I pose lots of questions. I do this only to make you think, not because I don't know the answer. Bear in mind that not every subject in the book is meant to be funny. I have also included many topics in an attempt to hopefully make you reflect on another viewpoint. And, if I manage to give you reason to pause or even make you mad then I’ve accomplished my goal.

As I mentioned previously, I have worked on this book for many years; so many of my thoughts or opinions are about people, places or things that are no longer remembered by anyone alive or may have even happened before you were born. If the latter applies, ask your parents; if the former applies, don't worry, most likely you're dead. Critics of the first edition questioned the timeliness of the articles. So I have freshened up the material. Some is so fresh it hasn’t even happened yet.

Under advice of counsel some of the names in the stories have been changed to protect the innocent, namely me. Furthermore, any resemblance to actual people, places and things is purely coincidental. Or, at least that is what I will swear to in court. I can also take comfort in the fact that I don't know any important people.

The book is arranged in chapters labeled A to Z using the phonetic alphabet. Wouldn’t it be a lot easier to spell your name to someone over the phone if everyone used this system? For instance, Bob would be spelled: bravo-oscar-bravo. Chapter Sierra discusses people, places and things that all begin with the letter S. When my writing critique group read a sample chapter, one of the first things they wanted to know was what School Prayer had to do with turn Signals. Hopefully, you’re smarter than my critique group.

Until everyone uses turn signals, the journey continues.

GOVERNMENT WARNING

You should not drive a car or operate heavy machinery while reading this book. Minors in New Hampshire must obtain parental consent before reading this book. This book is not a toy. Always keep it out of reach of babies and small children. Pregnant women should have a sonogram before reading this book.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I wrote this book without any help from my friends. My wife, although I still love her, thought I was crazy to have wasted so much time on this endeavor and should have been doing something productive, like picking up the hair off the bathroom floor.

Special thanks go out to my sister Diane, who provided some valuable editing suggestions, perhaps the most important of which was her suggestion that I remove most of the mean things I’d written. So, when I suggested that most people are stupid, I was only kidding. Obviously, if you are reading this book you must be very intelligent and, more than likely, good-looking also. She did not help with this edition as she was meditating at a Buddhist Camp somewhere in Massachusetts.

I had fun writing this book; so I’m happy. If you are reading this that means you bought my book; so I thank you for buying it. And, if you enjoy it please tell all your friends so that they will also buy it and share your enjoyment. At the same time, I hope you didn’t pass the book around because then I don’t make a nickel on that.

Also, just because the book has a Library of Congress number doesn't mean you should go there and read it either. I make no money from that either.

ALPHA

On any given flight how many passengers would you think are flying for the first time? My best estimate is that maybe there is one. The airlines, however, must assume there are many, as they somehow feel compelled to repeat the instructions concerning seat belts, exits, etc., incessantly. Besides, most of the instructions cover things you will hopefully never need, and God forbid, if you ever did, things such as locating an emergency exit and making sure your seat belt is properly fastened would probably be the least of your problems. But as a personal courtesy for those people who are about to fly for the first time or those that just don't seem to get it the following rules are for you:

1. When passengers start boarding there is no need to push and shove; remember you have a reserved seat; unless you are flying Southwest Airlines.

2. First-class passengers should board last even though they are called first. Why would a person who has paid all that extra money want to sit passively while all the coach people stare at you with looks of malevolence and consciously bump your seat as they board?

3. Always request a seat in the back of the plane. It’s closer to the bathroom and that can be very important on a long trip.

4. If you can't lift your own carry-on bag over your head, check it. Don't expect anyone to be available to help you when you need it.

5. The carry-on bag should go in the overhead compartment long ways in. It makes more room for other people’s bags. Not that you care.

6. Whatever else you do, don't bring babies and little kids on the plane with you. I didn't fly for the first time until I was eighteen. Sure, I cried and pooped in my pants, but I don't think it bothered anyone around me.

7. If the person two rows ahead of you can hear you, you are talking too loud.

8. Just because there is a lot of room above my jacket in the overhead compartment doesn't mean you are entitled to put your bag on top of it, or push it to the back.

9. The seats recline, so put them back as far as they will go. A good time to do this is just after the guy behind you gets his hot coffee. And don't hesitate to act annoyed when he then has to lean on your seat to get out to the bathroom.

10. And if you do have to travel with kids, be sure to have them constantly kick the seat in front of them. This will keep them from getting leg cramps.

***

In my first edition I talked at length about Abortion. My sister and many others thought that this topic had no place in a book of humor. There is nothing funny about abortion. However, it is a divisive issue that comes up every day. To many people this is the most important issue on earth.

During the 2012 Republican Primaries, the topic came up almost daily. These are the undisputable facts: if abortion becomes illegal it will not create jobs, make mortgage loans more readily accessible, solve global warming, make the Muslims like us, or save the millions of starving kids in the world.

A law was passed in Virginia requiring women to have a sonogram prior to having an abortion. This is yet another attempt to make it more difficult to have an abortion. And yet the pro-life protesters were out again. One was arrested.

I think I have a solution to end abortions other than when the life of the mother is at risk — the Pro-Life people will establish an organization to provide for unwanted pregnancies. The Pro-Life Organization (PLO) will pay all costs, including prenatal care, hospital delivery costs, and lost time from work, for any woman who is pregnant but does not want to have the baby. When the baby arrives, the PLO will find suitable parents to raise the child and provide all costs including college should the child want to go.

***

We don't hear much about affirmative action anymore. I am completely against discrimination in which words or actions put down another race, religion etc. Everyone should have and deserves an equal opportunity. However, if we create policies to help one group gain an advantage over another, is that still equal opportunity?

Let me play devil's advocate for a moment. As horrible and unjust as slavery was and still is, aren't Afro-Americans residing in America better off today, in general, than the average person living in Africa. In fact, aren’t all minorities in America who are raging about discrimination still probably better off living here than their relatives in their former homelands. Think about it. How many are rushing to go back each year? Take Liberia for example. The country was founded by freed slaves. Over 150 years later they are still killing each other. The American Indians are the lone exception. They are still living in their homeland and they, to put it simply, just got a bad deal.

The case in Piscataway, NJ, should teach all of us a lesson. To save money for the school district, a teacher was fired. Apparently, though, two teachers should have been let go, but the board opted to keep the black teacher and let the white teacher go in order to promote racial diversity. The white teacher then sued the school district and, in an out-of-court settlement, will now receive several hundred thousand dollars, which ironically will be paid by several prominent black organizations.

The black teacher, Debra Williams, who remained, was quoted in a local newspaper as having said, "You don't get nothing in this world for having an advanced degree." I assume she must have been referring to her recently dismissed white colleague who was in graduate school at the time and since her dismissal has subsequently received her master's degree.

First of all, where did Debra go to school? Isn't you don't get nothing a double negative? It was when I went to school. Furthermore, shouldn't a teacher employed in a public school in the good old USA be required to speak proper English? Second of all, several teachers I know have told me that within public school systems with which they’re familiar pay raises and promotions are always based on advanced degrees. I guess Debra must have missed that memo. And lastly, if she meant what she said why then did she enroll in graduate school herself shortly thereafter. So if the white teacher is smart she will take her money and get as far away from Piscataway as possible. After all, who in his or her right mind would want to live there in the first place?

***

I was going to say something about Alzheimers, but I can’t remember. I must be having a Rick Perry moment

***

I guess even with all the crashes, flying is still the safest way to travel. At least that’s what they tell me. When it comes to airports though or planes, for that matter, bigger is not necessarily always better. Flying as a passenger in a bigger plane doesn't seem to be any smoother; that is, unless you're comparing it to a Cessna. All there is in a large plane are just more people crowded closer together. Someday I will fly first class. But, in my case, I would want to board last after all the peasants with their screaming kids and oversized bags finally get themselves situated. How relaxing can it be to have 200 people file by you intentionally banging into your seat all the while staring at you with obvious distain? First class should always board last and get off first as they do. Remember Accounting 101, last-in-first-out.

When you have flown, can you ever remember leaving from the first gate on the concourse? I know for a fact that it has never happened to me. And so, I’m fairly certain that the first gate is never actually used. I honestly think it has been put there by some diabolic airline executive just to tease passengers. I’m always at the last gate. On a recent trip I passed through Atlanta. Based on the airline industry’s love affair with the hub concept I couldn't avoid it. Naturally, I arrived at the last gate on the concourse and the connecting flight was two concourses away. This time, however, I noticed that I was going to Gate B1. I was ecstatic that I was finally going to be leaving from the first gate and only have to walk two miles to my gate rather than the customary five. Boy was I wrong. At Atlanta the terminal gates are numbered in reverse order, starting from the bitter end. So there I was back at the last gate once again, continuing to bat 1000.

One aspect of the new and improved security at the airports today involves an individual asking you several inane questions Like, Have you been with your luggage the whole time since you packed it this morning? Since I’m the one who packs my wife's luggage for trips how then should she best answer this? Or, here is another of my favorites. Has any stranger asked you to carry a package for him? I look forward to one day being able to reply—Nothing sir, other than the small packets I have stuck up my ass.

More than likely, if a jihadist on a suicide-bombing mission were to be asked these questions, he would answer all these questions correctly. Hasta la vista, baby.

I recall once on a return trip from Montreal I was not asked any of these questions. I immediately attributed this to a higher form of intelligence in Canada. When I mentioned this to the Delta agent in Atlanta she informed me that the agent in Montreal was in direct violation of several rules of the FAA and the Geneva Convention as well as Delta company policy and was risking fines and imprisonment by his actions. He did however tell me to have a nice day.

Bigger airports are certainly not better from my perspective. As such, I try to avoid the Miami and Atlanta airports whenever possible. For a long time, it actually used to be a pleasure to fly out of Fort Lauderdale rather than Miami because the airport itself was smaller and less crowded and the parking was easier. You could actually pick someone up right at the curb without a cop reprimanding you and telling you to move along. Unfortunately, as the Fort Lauderdale airport keeps expanding, it will soon become just like Miami. At that point, there will no longer be any special benefit to go there.

Since 9/11, airports have become a very good place to avoid. Even before that tragedy, a trip to the airport was never a pleasant experience. I live halfway between Miami and Fort Lauderdale and I have instructed all my family and friends that if they elect to fly into Miami, they are on their own. This is one taxi driver who doesn’t go there. Since I have never heard one good thing about Miami International; why in the world would Fort Lauderdale want to be just like it? I have yet to find a sound reason. As Lauderdale has expanded the airport, it has only gotten worse. They have even hired Miami cops to direct traffic. They are especially rude and impatient. It was only a few years ago that you could park by the curb, go inside and pick up your little old mother and help her with the luggage. Now she must get to the curb herself, luggage and all.

Since 9/11 airport security has, as the saying goes, taken it up a notch. I respect the intent but I don’t really understand the rationale for selecting certain people for closer scrutiny. It’s apparent the screeners go out of their way to avoid racial profiling since as a country we don’t want to offend anyone, even though we know where all the terrorists come from. Take for example the last time I flew and I was held up in line for fifteen minutes while security personnel patted down an eighty-year-old grandmother. To me this makes no sense. However, through one of my contacts at Homeland Security I was able to secure a copy of the terrorist watch list. A partial list follows. Hopefully, this may clear up some of the confusion:

Said Bahaji

Rashid Rauf

Tayib Rauf

Abdul Rauf

John W. Booth

Robert Johnson

Cat Stevens

Osama bin Laden

Molly Schwartz

Even though some of the people listed above are dead, they are still on the list. The TSA doesn’t want to take any chances.

At one time finding a parking space at the Fort Lauderdale Airport was easy and the first half-hour was free; so it was very convenient for a person to park and pick up a passenger. It would seem to follow then that if we want to reduce the number of cars driving around the airport, the airport should make the parking more accessible and provide free parking to those who are there only to pick someone up. Fort Lauderdale hasn't though. Some new airports even have designated cell lots where you can wait till the passenger calls you on the cell phone and then you can pick them up at the curb. Fort Lauderdale finally built one; but it's small and congested.

A Local10 TV reporter has suggested that all the cars that line up, illegally, alongside the shoulder of the roadway at the airport do so only because there is a lack of signage warning that parking on the shoulder is illegal. No, and please read my lips. The reason the cars park there is because there was no cell lot; you can’t wait at the curb; there is no convenient nearby parking. Add to this the fact that that the redesign of the facility has made driving around in circles impractical.

***

I’m not especially concerned about the issue of animal rights; because, after all, they are just animals. And as I don't have any life-threatening illness at the moment, I don’t care whether or not we should experiment with monkey balls as a potential cure for cancer. I'm fairly sure though there have been discoveries over the years that have resulted from experiments with animals, and as far as I’m concerned that sure beats the alternative.

There is a downside to using animals for experiments, which was brought out in a recent case at Yale University. A PhD candidate was allegedly murdered because she didn’t keep the hamster cage clean.

One of the greatest movies of all time, in my opinion, was an HBO movie: Something the Lord Made. It was the true story of a black man, Vivien Thomas, who together with Dr. Alfred Blalock pioneered open-heart surgery. By operating on dogs, Vivien was eventually able to create a stent that would later be used on blue babies.

The other day I was shampooing my hair with Alberto VO5 and I accidentally got some shampoo in my eye. I immediately thought I was going blind. After all, I remember that it did say on the bottle not to get it in your eyes. After flushing extensively with a large volume of water; I next used Visine. That only made the situation worse. I later called Alberto Culver and they told me that I should not have used Visine. They didn’t even offer me any coupons for solace. When I regained my vision and looked more closely at the bottle I noticed it did not mention what to do if you got it in your eyes. It did say, however, much to my relief, that the product had not been tested on animals. Thank God for that.

As an alternative to using defenseless animals for medical experimentation, I have no problem whatsoever with voluntary human experiments, voluntary being the operative word here. Someone dying of Aids and declared terminal needs the opportunity to try anything that might help. But if you don't agree with human experimentation and yet you are partial to rats, you should be the one then to tell him there is no hope because of animal rights legislation.

Before the advent of surgery, doctors surely must have had the opportunity to cut up someone or something for practice. I myself have had surgery three times and I'm definitely glad that I wasn't the first in each case. I’m thankful now that when in biology class I was required to dissect a frog, I did it with dignity and reverence for Kermit and all the other frogs that had come before him.

My special grievance where animal rights or abortion activists is concerned, is that they never have any alternative ideas. Maybe you've heard the story about the scientist who decided to use attorneys rather than rats for experimentation. The reasons being that: 1) there are plenty of attorneys 2) there is nothing an attorney won't do and 3) you can become attached to a rat.

If