Talking to the Mirror: A Stutterer’s Journey

By Tom Lab

Daily I still think about my speech, yet people would never know that I once stuttered so badly I couldn't even say my name.

 

This book is part self-help guide and part memoir, written by a stutterer. Years ago, I promised myself that if I could ever reach a place of gratitude for stuttering, I would write a book and share what I have learned. Stuttering has been one of my greatest struggles and has profoundly influenced my personal development. This book offers a glimpse into the world of one stutterer and is intended to give hope to others.

Speech is an essential part of everyday life. Stuttering is a speech impediment that is almost always painful. Not only does it make speaking difficult, but in some cases, impossible. There is a thin line between hopelessness that a stutterer may never achieve fluency, and hopefulness that is born through self-awareness and becoming a student of speech.

May this story keep you always on the side of hope.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tom Lab
• Release date: Feb 9, 2023
• ISBN: 9798987552803

Book preview

Talking to the Mirror: A Stutterer’s Journey

This is a book for those in pain. This is a book for those with disabilities. This is a book for those who are slowly realizing they may never be perceived as normal*, and for those who have somehow made it to the other side. I am not a trained medical practitioner, psychologist, speech pathologist, or any other word used to describe someone trained to help someone in pain. I am a stutterer who refuses to let it define who I am. 

According to Webster’s Dictionary, a disability is defined as a physical, mental, cognitive, or developmental condition that impairs, interferes with, or limits a person’s ability to engage in certain tasks or actions or participate in typical daily activities and interactions.

This book is about my life journey in and around stuttering. Fifteen or more years ago, I searched the internet to see if there were others out there like me. The internet responded. Instead of finding other people in pain, I found books akin to A Speech Pathologist’s Guide to Stuttering. I didn’t care about the author’s credentials or success stories. Instead, I cared about finding someone I didn’t have to see or hear, someone to whom I could relate, who shared my pain, someone who might offer a new perspective or even a practical suggestion. I was searching for hope.

*See Chapter 7 for my perspective on normal.

I wanted to look myself in the mirror and honestly say I was thankful and proud of the person I saw. Little did I know the mirror would become the bane of my existence.

This book is written under an alias. I have received criticism for doing so given that providing a real name might make me more relatable and provide opportunities for future reference. Here are some of the reasons why I choose to write under an alias: 

When I share something so personal and genuinely painful, it is still painful to be reminded of everything I have endured by seeing my name on a book cover about my greatest nemesis.

Others close to me are still working through this battle, and keeping confidentiality is important for their privacy.

I refuse to be defined as the person who stutters.

I don’t want to be treated any differently than anyone else.

My career is important to me, I’ve worked hard for everything I have, and I don’t want even the remote possibility of this affecting that work.

The why of this book isn’t personal recognition or status.

Why am I writing this book at this time?

One of the ways I learned to cope with difficult situations is by writing my random thoughts and ordering them more coherently. This helps me gain clarity and take an honest look at what has tormented me.

Every time I wrote what happened when other kids laughed at me or when I felt ashamed as I couldn’t utter a sound if called on in class, I promised myself that I would someday write about this aspect of my life. My intent was not only to help process my own stuttering, but possibly help someone else through this very painful and lonely journey.

I am starting to write this in April 2020. The grim COVID-19 pandemic has stalled global economies, crippling our world, leaving great need and heartache in its wake. 

What I choose to let saturate my mind will eventually define me. With this book, I choose to release these thoughts, emotions, and pent-up hurt.

This book is devoted to those who struggle with stuttering, have a speech impairment, or have been impacted by a person with a speech impediment. Every single person who is currently unpacking what it means to have a stutter or who has somehow overcome this hateful disability is a hero. In the mirror you may look normal, but underneath your skin reigns confusion, self-loathing, disgust, and the beginning of a chip on your shoulder that either propels you forward or snuffs out your light. 

This book is a living testament of my life, the life of a person diagnosed with a disability and how I feel about non-verbal and verbal judgment and loss. Our society has emerged from the dark ages of explicitly saying how abnormal a stutterer is compared to peers, to a society that thinks the same way, yet says nothing. This is largely due to lack of understanding or sensitivity on how to act when confronted by a stutterer. 

This book is not meant as an easy read. It is a partial autobiography, a partial personal manual on what stuttering is, and a self-help guide with suggestions on how to appear normal within societal constructs.

I dedicate this book to my parents. Without their unconditional love, support, caring and lifelong guidance I would not be here.

Chapter 1: The Onslaught

When I was twelve, my dad asked, Have you ever wondered what made you stutter?

No, I responded.

Well, do you remember our five-week family road trip when you made fun of that man for his stutter?

No. 

I grew up in a God-fearing home and believed everything happened for a purpose. Was my stuttering a curse for mocking?

Until the age of seven I could speak like everyone else. I was boyish, timid, friendly and had a high-pitched voice that allowed me to solo in children’s choirs and unabashedly sing two octaves above middle C. Everyone said I got my chatter and natural demeanor from my mother. 

I developed a deep love for reading out loud when my father read to my brother and me starting when we were very young. Daily from 6:30 a.m. until around 7:15 a.m., I snuggled in bed with the sheets pulled up to my chin listening to the sound of my father’s voice beautifully emphasizing each syllable on every page.

The stories came alive. The Chronicles of Narnia were more than just fiction pitting good against