Aligned As F*ck

By Lynn Dutrow

Who put your Inner Assholes in control? Whether it was your parents, teachers, society, biology, or your great aunt Betty Busybody, it's time for your Inner CEO to step up and take charge!

From a perspective soaked in experience and insight with a splash of sass and salty language, Lynn Dutrow takes you on a journey of transfor

• Language: English
• Publisher: Year of the Book Press
• Release date: Jun 20, 2022
• ISBN: 9781646492640

Book preview

Salty Language Disclaimer

Considering the title of this book, a disclaimer may seem unnecessary; however, here it is anyway...

Be Aware:

I use Animated Adult Language and I sprinkle it liberally, so if you are not interested in Salty Language, are offended by it, or are in the vicinity of someone with whom sharing it is not appropriate, close this book now and walk away.

Serendipity

Several years ago I met a lovely older gentleman at a training, the kind of person you might refer to as a character. I don’t know about you, but I am drawn to characters. In general, we human beings love stories, and the best stories have a cast of interesting characters!

No surprise then, that I found myself connecting with John. He was a shaman and he didn’t believe in coincidence, though he had his own word for it: co-inky-dinky! This is a fun way of taking notice of the things that happen to us that seem random, and yet are not. These are things that cross our paths and we choose to notice and even take action... the things that make us say, Hmm...

The other day I received a message from my sixth-grade teacher. We are friends on Facebook (of course), and it turns out, he is currently teaching a continuing education math class to the 55+ crowd in which my mother-in-law is a student. Jokingly I shared that I don’t believe in coincidence, but did wonder about the odds (my feeble attempt at a math joke) of this connection. This very logical math-minded man concurred that not only are there no coincidences, but that the odds of us connecting in such a myriad of ways is actually much less astronomical than we might think!

Serendipity rolls off my tongue a little easier than co-inky-dinky.

One serendipitous event that moved me in the direction of  writing this book happened during a Book Adventure at a local independent bookstore. My daughter had been invited to a birthday party for a friend. This whole parenting thing sometimes baffles me, and buying birthday gifts is in the list of top five things I would rather not feel obligated to do as a parent! So I got what I’m going to call creative. (You can call it chicken shit or lazy if you like, but I choose creative.)

My daughter made a card and included the following:

Your gift is a ‘Book Adventure’!

My mom will talk to your mom.

Now that may sound all fancy and shit. It’s not. My daughter is an only child and we do not live in a neighborhood. When we are at home, she tends to be up my ass to play with her. I’m not actually proficient in the art of play. Picking up an extra child on Friday afternoon after school is actually a win-win. My daughter gets to practice her social skills, and I get some peace and quiet!

So we arranged the Book Adventure, which simply meant that I picked them up from school and drove downtown to our city’s wonderful independent bookstore, The Curious Iguana. Once there, the girls were left to wander and ponder their purchases, while I was free to peruse the rest of the store. Within five minutes I felt that familiar tug. A book was calling me from the shelf.

If you have never wandered the aisles of a bookstore and had a book (or books) call to you, stop reading now; you are not my people! Wait, I’m totally busting your chops here. You are welcome to keep reading, though I highly recommend you go on your own Book Adventure and see what happens. There is no feeling quite like that of Serendipity Speaking from the Shelves!

The book that jumped into my life that day is called The Monkey is the Messenger by Ralph De La Rosa. Like so many other books that have come to me recently, I received another message of validation.

Why does validation seem so important? Because I have a very loud VoD (Voice of Doubt). This VoD wants me to play it safe and keep my thoughts, feelings, ideas, and experiences to myself. Perhaps you have experience with your own VoD. Mine tells me no one wants to hear my stories or ramblings. It tells me I don’t know what I’m talking about. It wants to protect me so much that it sometimes feels like it is suffocating me in the process.

Opening The Monkey is the Messenger and reading about three categories of relationships (boss, enemy, and ally) was similar to what I have been saying about Anxiety and VoD for years. I confidently closed the book and announced to my VoD, I do know what I’m talking about and it’s time to share my story.

So by whatever serendipitous occurrence that led you to this book, here we go. Let’s get ALIGNED as F*ck!

Cast of Characters

Who Are You?

– just me asking a question...

definitely NOT quoting a famous song!

As I considered writing about the cast of characters I refer to as Inner Assholes, a song (that shall not be named because you can’t legally quote the lyrics to songs in a book without permission) popped into my head. Probably because this is the chapter where I want to clarify Who (your clue) this book is for and Why (not a clue) I’m taking the time and energy to write it, my brain apparently thought this would be a funny reference. If you have never heard this song, Google it. It will be much funnier that way.

In some ways I already know the answer to the question that this famous chorus poses. Who are you? You are an enigma. Your inside does not match your outside. You are a Responsible One, an over-doer for others, often at the expense of yourself. You may come across as having your shit together, but inside you see the whole thing as more of a shit show. Maybe you call these Inner Assholes Anxiety or Fear or Inner Critic or Worry or Doubt or Impostor, but in any case there is a solo act, a trio, a quartet, or maybe even a fucking Flash Mob in your head that calls the shots... and they are often, if not always, assholes about it.

Why am I writing this book? Because I’ve been there.

Somewhere in my past I remember seeing a flowchart of research about how we learn best. There was a certain percentage of information retained as you read something, another percentage if you hear information, and a higher percentage if the information is both seen and heard. The point I’m getting at is that the best way to make information your bitch is to teach it to someone else.

That’s my goal—to take all of the years of my own journey and share them with you, to educate, inspire, and entertain you in such a way that you too will have a different and better relationship with your Inner Assholes by the time you finish this book.

Let’s start with the introduction of some important characters. I’ve already referenced them. They are a merry little band of fuckers who take their cues from the Grand Poobah: FEAR.

To be clear, I’m going to start where you are, which is feeling like Fear runs the show a lot of the time (if not always). My goal for you is for that specific belief to be much different by the time you and I reach the end of this book. We are going to do some Belief Relief! That sounded fun since it rhymes. What it means is that we will relieve you of beliefs that aren’t working for you and maybe create some new ones.

Before I introduce the members of FEAR’s gang, I want to share a little history. Fear really does play an important part in our show. It is the leader of a gang of would-be Protectors who feel responsible for keeping you alive. They believe they are in charge of your survival.

If you are reading this they have done their job. Each of your ancestors stuck around on this planet long enough to procreate. Their band of Protectors did their job. That is their goal, their purpose, their