Daughter of Life

By Jayne Amanda Maynes

To be able to see the world in a manner that is void of prejudice and bigotry. Able to accept someone not because they fit our standard of normal, but instead, just because they are. To be able to look at someone and let them define who they are rather than making a judgment based on preconceived notions and stereotypes of what society says they should be.
Connie set just such a standard, then challenged those around her to see things otherwise. She accepted a woman as someone who said they were a woman, the same for men. She surrounded herself with those she knew she could trust, those who had proven her trust wasn't misplaced. She in turn gained their trust by not judging on standards set by society.
Welcome to a world were things aren't always as they appear. Where acceptance is the rule rather then the exception. A place where people come first, and their differences don't matter. A place where a person is judged on their abilities, not their looks. Where skin color has no meaning. Religion is a personal choice, and shared only with those interested. A place where personal beliefs are never used to restrict someone, nor deprive them of their rights to express themselves in a manner comfortable to that person.
Prejudice has no place in this world and is never tolerated. Tolerance is the law everyone is expected to live by. Freedom of expression reigns supreme.
Welcome to the world of Connie Carlson, friend to the friendless, champion of the defenseless, icon of independence. Welcome to the world of freedom for all, where every person has the right to live their life in a way they feel is right for how they define themselves. A world where everyone has the same rights until they deny someone else of their rights.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jayne Amanda Maynes
• Release date: Jan 9, 2012
• ISBN: 9781465940865

Jayne Amanda Maynes

I was born in April 1955 as the heir to my father. My older brother should have been, he had the same initials as dad, but he was mentally retarded and had a heart condition from birth. According to my mother she knew from the time I was growing inside her that I would be a boy and the heir they had hope my brother could have been.I have known for as long as I can remember that I was different that there was something not right about me. I am a M2F (male to female) transsexual. I am currently on HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy); I started on HRT October 1, 2007. I have been in therapy for GID (Gender Identity Disorder) since February 2007. I have not set a time yet for completing my transition to becoming the woman I know I am inside. There are so many things involved in transitioning that most people have no clue about. The differences between the sexes are so vast and all of my life I have led a life that just never fit who I am inside. I have learned so much and yet there is still so much that I still don’t know about being the woman I always knew I was.

Book preview

Daughter Of Life

Jayne Amanda Maynes

Copyright © 2012 Jayne A Maynes

Published by Jayne A Maynes at Smashwords

All characters in this book are fictitious, and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

ISBN: 978-1-4659-4086-5

Dedication

This is dedicated to the memory of Lisa Empanada-Newell my Connie Carlson-Evans. The person I met online on December 13, 2006, but not in person until September 22, 2011. My best friend who stood by me all that time. One of the first people to affirm me as a woman even when I wasn't sure myself.

So many things have changed since that first day, a day I will never forget. The highs have been so high, it was like the world was ours, that nothing could ever go wrong. The lows so low they have been terrifying, unsure of anything and everything. Through it all you had been there to help me see just a little clearer, think things through more fully. There have been so many times you made me laugh until it hurt, and equally times I have cried hoping things would improve.

We have both been through so much together, we have seen so many come and go, always offering what ever support we could.

As Connie would say: I love you, sister of my heart. (Je t'aime, ma sœur de cœur. )

The cover is a picture of my best friend who stood by me through some rough times since the start of my transition into the woman I have always been inside. In many ways she is Connie to me, the voice of reason and Power. The Power of Life when I have felt to weak to continue.

Preface

To be able to see the world in a manner that is void of prejudice and bigotry. Able to accept someone not because they fit our standard of normal, instead, just because they are. To be able to look at someone and let them define who they are rather than making a judgment based on preconceived notions and stereotypes of what society says they should be.

Connie set just such a standard, then challenged those around her to see things differently. She accepted a woman as someone who said they were a woman, the same for men. She surrounded herself with those she knew she could trust, those who had proven her trust wasn't misplaced. She in turn gained their trust by not judging on standards set by society.

Welcome to a world were things aren't always as they appear. Where acceptance is the rule rather then the exception. A place where people come first, and their differences don't matter. A place where a person is judged on their abilities, not their looks. Where skin color has no meaning. Religion is a personal choice, and shared only with those interested. A place where personal beliefs are never used to restrict someone, nor deprive them of their rights to express themselves in a manner comfortable to that person.

Prejudice has no place in this world and is never tolerated. Tolerance is the law everyone is expected to live by. Freedom of expression reigns supreme.

Welcome to the world of Connie Carlson-Evans, friend to the friendless, champion of the defenseless, icon of independence. Welcome to the world of freedom for all, where every person has the right to live their life in a way they feel is right for how they define themselves. A world where everyone has the same rights until they deny someone else of their rights.

"Friends! Those special people who are there when you need them."

"For me they were special because I didn't have many, and the friends I did have most of them became friends in my senior year of high school. Erin, the friend who had been there the longest, so smart and so willing to accept someone who was different from what most considered normal. How many times we hung out just because we each let the other be whoever they wanted to be. Judy, someone I never would have dreamed of as a friend, one of the most popular girls at school, both smart and pretty. Paula or Paul, the quarter back of the football team, and the best car mechanic I have ever known. Paul and Judy were an item throughout our high school days and into college. Finally, there was Chuck (Charles), better known as Cindy in our little group, Chuck also played football and was well on track to get a football scholarship from one of the big schools. Looking back though I'm sure that was because she was afraid to face herself and who she truly was in her heart."

"All my life I had been interested in fashions and made my own clothes because money was tight and what I thought should be in fashion wasn't available until after I made it. It seemed to become the latest craze, all the girls were talking about how such and such a designer had brought it out. I didn't think anyone was stealing my designs since I was just a kid and these big name designers had been around my whole life. No one ever seemed to remember that the latest fashion was something I had worn six months to year before. I noticed though, I noticed how my designs seemed to always come out within six months to a year after I started wearing them, but again it never really meant anything to me. Now though if I were to see a fashion come out like that, I would look into who came out with it and when. Wanting to know if they had the design copyrighted, and if their copyright was older than mine."

Connie Carlson

The above is an excerpt from Connie’s diary written the year she graduated high school.

"Connie you are not forgotten! The world you created is still the world I live in, I can't imagine life any other way. You opened the eyes of so many, yet there are so many who still refuse to see the simplicity of such a life. I hope what I write here can be a tribute to who you were, a tribute that will last into generations yet to come. The world is a poorer place without you, but as long as we remember what you taught us it will never be an empty place."

"I miss you my very dear sweet friend, I miss the welcoming smile you always had, the hug that always said I was welcome just because I was. As I write this I think back on where my life was leading, and thank God every day that he loved me enough to allow you to be my friend."

Judy Roberts-Collins

Chapter 1

Connie I don't understand why your grades are so bad, Mom said.

Report cards were out and I had three C's and four D's. Mom knew I worked hard with my drawings, but never understood why I wasn't able to find the time for my school work as well.

If you can't bring your grades up, there won't be anymore of your drawing paper for whatever it is you need it for young lady, Dad said.

I had to be able to do my drawings, they were the only thing that mattered to me, those drawings were the kinds of clothes I wanted, and without them I knew I would never have the clothes I wanted. What if Erin helps me with my school work, she's at the top of the class. I needed my drawings and I knew Erin needed somewhere she could be herself.

Connie we want these grades up, if Aaron can help, then of course we don't mind, Dad said.

They didn't understand. Erin was a girl she told me she was and who knew better, Erin or everyone else? I was going to try explaining to dad again that Erin was a girl, but got a look from mom that said just let it drop Connie. Let it drop, let Erin be called something she's not because not everyone can accept what you can. I couldn't let it drop, but I didn't dare challenge the misconception at that moment. I needed the freedom that came with letting things slide that later would become of such great importance to me as to put me in positions of taking a stand, because I couldn't just look the other way.

Erin started coming over to help me with my school work so I offered to make her a wardrobe.

My sister Chris moved out leaving her room vacant with a large closet. Until then the sewing machine was kept in the coat closet. I begged mom and dad to allow me to turn Chris' old room into a sewing room so I could make some of the clothes I'd designed. Convincing them took work and I had to study very hard to get my grades up, if my grades slipped again the room would be off limits to me and my drawings would end as well. My drawings were my way of life, designing was all I ever wanted and several of the people I knew loved my designs.

Grandma told me if I ever wanted to make my designs for her, she would love to wear them around town so everyone could see, and she would be sure to let them know her granddaughter made them. Grandma always wanted to know what I had, she hadn't seen yet.

I went to great lengths to dress the few Barbie dolls I had in the designs I drew. Mom started hating how I pampered my Barbie's dressing them as fashionable as any model could dream.

Mom, Barbie is the only model I have for my designs. She never complains and knows how to move so the clothes I make her always look their best, I said.

Connie, Barbie is a doll. She moves however you move her. Honey I don't understand why you make all those clothes for your dolls, wouldn't it be more productive to make them for real people? Mom asked.

I don't have the material to make them for real people, and dad says we don't have the money to buy the material since I don't use patterns. I think he's afraid I would waste the material, for Barbie I use scrapes that aren't big enough for anything else anyway, I said.

Mom said she would see about getting the material for me, and if I promised I wouldn't waste it, she would see if some of her friends would be interested in buying some of my designs too.

My second year of middle school dad lost his job and wasn't able to find another job that could support us. The designs I made started paying for all my needs for material and a nest that was supposed to be for my college after I graduated from high school. As the finances for the house started getting tighter and tighter my college fund grew, and grew. Dad started drinking and looking for a job less and less, until he stopped looking altogether.

Mom didn't want to ask, but in the end came asking if I would be willing to let her use my college fund, at least until dad could find a job, and she would make sure it all got paid back somehow. She was working a job that paid her less than I made on my dresses and I had so many people wanting my designs, I didn't have a lot of time any longer to design new ones, which I found very frustrating, but I knew if we were going to survive, it would be because we chose to do whatever it took and I had a lot of designs I'd drawn over the years. I really didn't need to design any longer to keep all the customers I had in something new.

My customer base grew and it wasn't long mom quit her job to help me so I could keep up with the demand for my fashions. The money coming in was more than dad made before he lost his job, and that depressed him even further, the deeper the depression the more he drank, and the less he did to help around the house. By my senior year in high school my college fund was gone. Erin had a full wardrobe at my house and came over most days after school in the pretense of helping me with my school work, when in reality she came over because she could be herself at my house. She always offered to help with the house work and my sewing, so I agreed to give her the clothes I made for all the help she gave.

Aaron I know you're at the bottom of the class, but you seem to always know the answers, Judy said. I was wondering if you might be able to help me?

Judy I... you know why I am at the bottom of the class and you and all your friends seem to think I deserve the grades I get, for that reason. Why is it that I'm not good enough unless you need something? Why are you coming to me for help? Can't any of your friends help you? Erin returned.

I looked at Erin and frowned asking why she wanted to be the same as Judy and her friends. I reminded her of the pact we'd made about letting everyone decide who they were, who they wanted for friends, and who they would seek help from.

Judy, Erin didn't mean that, I said.

I... I can help, I just get so frustrated the way everyone makes fun of me because I always spell my name with the girl spelling on my papers, Erin said.

I don't understand why you do that, and it really isn't any of my business. I asked because if I can't get my grades up I won't be able to stay in the cheerleaders, I'm flunking and you're the only one I know who knows this stuff, Judy said.

You could always come over to my house after school and study with us, I offered. Judy, Erin and I study together every afternoon, then work on designing new clothes. I could always use another model for my designs, I said.

Erin gave me a dirty look, but didn't say anything to counter my offer. Judy looked at me and smiled, her mother was one of my best customers and several of her outfits were something I designed.

That afternoon Judy came over to study with Erin and I, and Erin wasn't sure she wanted to dress in the new dress I just completed for her. I insisted that she dress as herself, but let her pick out what she wanted to wear.

As she emerged from the bedroom and approached the dinning table were we studied, I heard Judy let out a gasp. I looked up to see what caused the gasp and Erin stood there in the new dress looking as pretty as any of my Barbie's in the outfit. Judy seemed to be tongue tied and having trouble breathing, just staring at Erin.

When she finally recovered her breath, Erin you look... still not sure she knew the words.

I knew that dress was perfect for you Erin, I said.

Erin smiled and walked over to the full length mirror spinning to see how she looked at all angles.

Erin I... Judy started, again stopping, again failing to find the words she wanted.

Erin came over to the table and took a seat, not saying anything about having always felt like a girl, but her dad insisting she was a boy. She opened her book and started reading, waiting for Judy to say something before she embarrassed herself trying to explain. Judy watched her the whole time wanting to say something, but not sure what to say. She knew this was the same person from school, but this Erin was more confident and sure of who she was than the other Aaron was. As understanding of what she was seeing came, things started making sense. Erin didn't misspell her name, everyone else did. She knew who she was and no one wanted to accept her definition, they all thought they knew better.

Erin I'm sorry... I had no idea... can you forgive me for not... For not what? For not believing you even though the proof had been there the whole time. Judy never got the words out because she didn't know the words to say what she felt. Embarrassed? Yes but not the right word. Confused? Possibly, but that didn't fit either. What was the word that fit? Relieved? Definitely, but again not the right word.

Erin looked up and saw the emotions running through Judy's expressions. I'm sure you didn't know Judy, Erin said offering a modicum of assurance that she was okay sharing this part of who she was with Judy.

It was tense at first, Judy not knowing what to say and Erin determined to just be herself. After about an hour of studying, I had it with how they avoided talking anymore then necessary. Guys this is horrid. There is no reason the tension in here needs to be what it is. If you two can't start talking there isn't really any point to this, none of us are getting anything accomplished.

They both looked at me and broke out laughing. We started talking and it didn't take long we finished with our studying and I asked if they could help me with some of the dresses I needed to get finished.

We spent the next hour going over what I needed for the jobs I had, then went out shopping. While shopping we ran into Paul, Judy's boyfriend, and he insisted he wasn't letting Judy out of his sight the rest of the night.

He seemed to be intrigued with how Erin was dressed, but never made any reference to her, other than to let her know he thought it was cool she was so sure of who she was as a girl. He asked if she would be willing to assist him with his school work as well.

Erin agreed, but told him the condition was she was Erin when not at school and he never crossed the two. The first time he said anything to anyone at school about what happened after school, she would stop tutoring him and she didn't care if he passed or failed, she would never trust him again. Judy let him know she was in full support of Erin and she'd break it off if he did anything to hurt Erin.

The next day at school Paul and Judy came and sat with Erin and I during lunch. Mind if we join you? Judy asked.

I smiled and said it was fine with me, so Paul pulled out a chair for Judy, then sat between her and Erin. I have practice right after school, would it be okay if I see you about five o'clock, that'll give me time to get cleaned up so I don't stink, he asked.

That'll be fine Paul, we can help Connie until you get there so we aren't going over things twice, Erin offered.

Paul showed up at five minutes after five, only it wasn't Paul. I invited Paula in and told her we were all in the dining room leading the way.

Thanks Connie, sorry if I make you uncomfortable being dressed this way, Paula said.

Paula here you can be anyone you want to be. If being Paula is what you want, then please feel free to do so, I said.

Why did it seem no one knew how to be themselves around others? Was this world so screwed up they feared no one could accept them if they were who they chose to be? I never understood why so many chose to hide who they were, for me, I didn't care. I cared only that they be themselves around me. They treat others fairly in the same manner they wished to be treated.

Paula took a seat next to Judy and started studying, every so often looking around at the rest of us wondering if we truly accepted her for who she was at the moment. When she looked at Judy a smile appeared on both their faces that said they loved each other regardless of the circumstances they now found themselves in. Erin smiled and giggled inwardly thinking about Paula being willing to share a secret with us that in all likelihood would ostracize her at school, should anyone find out. As we all finished up the homework we had, Paula asked if we could go to the ice cream parlor for banana splits her treat.

I looked over at the orders I had and thought of the time frame I had given on when they would be ready. I'm sorry guys but I can't, I have all this work to do and... I wish... I wish I could, I said.

They all looked at me and saw the desire to join them, but the knowledge that if I did I would never get the things done I needed to get done. Erin said she couldn't go either and before I knew it they were all helping me get the work I had done, just so I too could enjoy a little fun.

A few days later I had another friend approach me and ask if I would be interested in helping with a fund raiser for the local Pride Center.

Connie, all the events are set but one. We were hoping maybe you could furnish some of your designs for the fashion show we want to schedule, Phil said.

I don't think you understand what you're asking me to do Phil. I would love to help do a fashion show, but I don't seem to have much time anymore. Haven't you wondered why it is I don't come by much anymore? I asked.

Phil looked at me not realizing how little I helped of late. Connie I didn't know. I'd hate for you to miss this, Fashionista has offered us their catwalk for the show, he said.

Fashionista the largest fashion company in the country. Their fashion shows where legendary, and I was turning down the chance of getting my fashions on their catwalk. No, that would be crazy, yes I thought I had great fashions, but to have them on that catwalk...

Phil can you give me a couple days to think about this. You know I've always dreamed of having my fashions on that catwalk, but right now I am so overwhelmed with work and school, I said.

Connie the show is in two months. We need an answer soon. The fashion show idea was yours, and you're the only person we know who might be able to pull a fashion show off. Remember it will be on Fashionista's catwalk and that could mean big fashion companies could have people there, he said.

I'll get back to you no later than Friday Phil. I promise, I said.

There was no way I would be able to have enough ready for a show, not with all the other work I had. Here was my big chance and I...

Is something wrong Connie? Judy asked.

Was something wrong? Yes there was something wrong, I had the chance of getting my fashions on the catwalk and I didn't know anyway of making it happen. If only dad hadn't lost his job all those years ago and when finding a new job proved difficult at best he turned to the bottle. My dad the man I so admired growing up and now a common drunk and alcoholic. How long had it been that he gave up finding a job? Four years? No, it was almost five years now. Mom did her best the first couple years to make sure we had a roof over our heads and food on the table. Then one day she broke, she couldn't keep going any longer, the strain of holding down two low paying jobs became more than she could handle. She came to me, Connie I don't know what to do. Your college fund is...

What was I supposed to do. I started paying the bills using my college money and it was now gone. Mom and dad managed to put twenty-five thousand dollars away for my education, and I managed to match it with what money I made selling my fashions to mom's friends, but now that was all gone and I was selling more and more of my fashions just so we could survive. Somehow dad always seemed to have his bottle and I never said anything because he was easier to deal with when he drank than when he didn't anymore.

I looked over at dad passed-out on the couch and started crying. It wasn't fair I was the one paying the bills and he didn't even care enough to try anymore. Erin came over and put her arm around my shoulder and just held me as I cried.

The tears slowed and Erin asked if there was anything they could do.

Connie I... if there is anything we can do to help... Erin said.

I thanked them for their concern and told them I didn't know what they could do to help. I explained I had been invited to put my fashions on the runway for a fund raiser, and they told me they would help so it could happen.

Connie I... Judy started. I think I may have a way to make this happen. I know... we know what this means to you, we can see how torn you are and we want to help.

I have no idea who Fashionista is, but the way you make it sound... if it's really this important, it will happen, and we want to help you make it happen, Paula said.

I started crying harder my friends wanted to help me with my career and I was scared. If I did this show would it be just locals who attended, or would there be representatives of all the major fashion companies there seeing I either could design, or even more scary, couldn't design. What if there were representatives from the major fashion companies and they thought I could design, what then? What would they do about my age, and that I haven't been to school for fashion design yet, and as things looked, never would. Would they still be interested, or would they say sorry Miss Carlson, but until you have your degree we just can't help you.

Erin hugged me tighter and kissed my cheek, trying to reassure me that everything would work out.

Anyone up for a banana split? My treat, Judy said.

Paula and Erin helped me to my feet, and before I knew it we were in the car on the way to the ice-cream parlor. Erin told me everything would work out, she had faith I would do great in the show. Did I really want to do this show? In the ice-cream parlor we ran into Phil and I asked how many others he had lined up for his show.

If you say yes Connie, you're it, Phil said.

I was it, this whole show was going to be mine. He didn't have anyone else willing to even try, sure there were others who took existing designs and made a few changes, but none of them were interested. My designs were the only ones that were going to be on display. I looked at Erin, Judy and Paula sitting at the table waiting for the banana split to be brought out and smiled. I knew I was going to do the show, and I knew that I could count on my friends to help me make it a success. I turned back to Phil.

Phil I'm in. I have just the fashions to make it worthwhile and I have the models to walk the runway. Phil this is my show and I have to do it my way, I said.

He smiled and told me he had no doubt the show would end up the highlight of the whole fund raiser and he was anxious to see just what I had. I let him know what I had was both mens and womens fashions, some of the best I'd come up with. If things went well my fashions should be able to bring in five to ten thousand dollars. He gave a whistle thinking how he could use the money to help the community in their fight for equality.

So what was that all about? Judy asked as I joined them.

I'm going to need your help to pull this off. I just told them I would do the fashion show. The show is two months away and I need models, both male and female, I said.

Connie do you already have the designs your want, or are you going to have to figure that out still? Paula asked.

I looked over at Paula and smiled. I had the designs a long time ago, designs I always knew were worth more than I'd been charging the customers I had. The problem I saw was finding the time to make the outfits for the runway. With all the orders I had it...

Excuse me. Judy you haven't seen Paul have you? Chuck asked.

Why don't you join us Chuck? We're celebrating Connie getting her first show. Judy offered.

Chuck took a seat next to Paula and asked what we meant by my first show.

Chuck, Connie loves designing clothes, and just agreed to show some of her fashions at a benefit in two months. We're celebrating her success in that show. Erin said.

Celebrating my success in the show? I don't even know if I would be able to get everything ready in time, because of all the work I have. Some of the outfits are going to be expensive to make because of the materials needed for them. And here we are celebrating my success with the show still two months away.

Sounds like fun, but have any of you seen Paul? We're supposed to go over the plays for the game next Friday, Chuck said.

Relax Chuck, Paula said. We've got plenty of time. Right now it's ice-cream time, so either grab a spoon and join us, or if you would rather we can order another just for you.

Chuck looked at Paula, jumped up, and started backing away. He looked at the rest of us as though we were strangers, then turned and walked away. I got up and followed him catching up just outside the door.

Chuck! Wait please. he stopped but didn't turn. As I walk up he turned to me.

What was that Connie? What did I just see in there? He pointed back toward the door.

Chuck I don't know. I know that isn't the answer you want, but it's the only answer I have, I said.

That was Paul wasn't it? he asked.

Yes, and no. Chuck, Paul told us he wanted to be Paula, we didn't ask him to be Paula, I said.

If anyone else finds out he'll be off the team and likely the laughingstock of the school, Chuck said.

So are you going to tell everyone? Chuck, Paul's been dressing like this for several years, from what she told us. She is still the same person inside she's always been, only the outside has changed, and tomorrow even that'll be the same as your use to, I said.

This doesn't make any difference to you does it Connie? You don't see any difference between what Paul is in there, and what he is at school do you? he asked.

Chuck, Paula is my friend whether as Paul or Paula. No! To me there is no difference, to me Paula is who ever she wants to be, I just want her to be the best person she can be. Is that really so wrong? If Paul wants to be Paula, why can't she be Paula? She is still the same person on the inside, I said.

I need time to think about this, okay. For me it isn't that easy, Paul is my best friend, the captain of the football team. To me he's the only person who hasn't treated me different simply because I'm black, Chuck said.

That isn't true Chuck! I have never treated you differently because of your skin color. Chuck your skin color means as little to me as whether Paula is a boy or girl, it just doesn't matter to me, I said.

You don't treat me like you do everyone else, he said.

You're right I don't, but it isn't because of your skin color. I treat you different because you are different then everyone else. Chuck you are you, I treat you as I hope you deserve and if I'm wrong in how I treat you please tell me, so I can fix it. I don't treat Erin the way I do Judy. Nor do I treat Judy the way I do anyone else. Chuck everyone is different so must be treated differently, I said.

Chuck stepped off the main sidewalk into a shallow alley way asking me to do the same. As I stepped into the ally he asked me if it would make a difference if he was a girl instead of a boy.

Chuck I hold my distance from you because of how you act around others. It's like you hate something about yourself, and see it in others and take your anger in yourself out on them for daring to be what it is you hate so much about yourself. To me personally no it won't make a difference, not unless it changes how you act in regard to others. If it makes you more tolerant than yes it will change how I treat you, I will be more tolerant as well, I said.

Is the offer to join you all still open? he asked.

I took his hand and we went back in. We sat around talking about the up coming fashion show and what it would take. Everyone wanted to see the designs I intended to show, so we headed back to my place, I got out my note book with all the formal wear I had.

I figured the timing was right to coincided with the prom, so why not do the show as a prom night extravaganza. As I showed them the drawings and talked about the idea, I knew this show had to happen, and not just for me. While the others admired the drawings I had for the show Chuck asked if I had anything he could wear to feel more a part of the group. I showed him the closets of my sewing room and watched as he started going through the clothes I had hanging there. Erin asked a question that took me back to the others, so I told Chuck when he found something he liked to let me know and I would see if I had it in his size, then went in to answer Erin's question. A short time later Chuck stuck his head out and said he found what he wanted.

I went back in the sewing room to see about finding his choices in the right size for him and started laughing.

Chuck I don't have either of those in your size and quite likely never will, I said.

But they're so cute Connie, he said.

I agreed they were cute, but told him they were for children. I helped him find something a bit more age appropriate in his size, then returned to the others. As Chuck emerged I watched as the others all watched him come toward us.

You know if you're going to dress like that you should have a name a little less masculine Charles, Judy quipped.

Paula sat there staring and Erin got up and asked to talk to Chuck in private. When Erin and Chuck returned from their private chat Erin said Chucks real name was Cynthia, but she preferred Cindy.

Cindy it was. To our little group she was now Cindy. Our group now consisted of myself Connie. Erin my oldest and dearest friend. Judy someone who was willing to take a chance and learned to accept someone, just because they were. Paul, or Paula, Judy's boy friend, or girl friend depending on her mood at the time. And now Cindy, or Chuck, someone who feared rejection so much they had rejected anyone who didn't fit societies definition of normal. We each took a chance and we won friendship and trust.

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"Connie showed us how to live without fear of someones difference." Erin Barlow

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The five of us worked hard getting everything ready for the show. I had one dress that I didn't know how I would ever get made because of the materials it required. The materials for that one dress were so expensive and none of the fabric stores in the area had it in stock, and couldn't get it, in time for the show. I didn't know what to do I wanted that dress in the show, but didn't see anyway of getting it there.

Hello! a man said.

I have permission to be here, I said.

I know you do Connie, he said. I just wanted to meet you. My name is Jim I work for Fashionista, he said.

You know who I am? I asked.

You're the designer for the charity show here in a few weeks aren't you? he asked.

I didn't know what to say, yes I was the designer for the show, but did I want to admit that to this guy simply because he said he worked for the company hosting the show? I wanted proof he worked for them, I wanted to have some kind of assurance of what he wanted and why.

Connie if there is anything I can do to help, all you need to do is ask. I've heard you have quite a talent and if I can help I would be very honored, Jim said.

If he was who he said, he might be able to help me obtain the materials I needed for the dress in time to include it in the show, and if he wasn't then knowing about the materials wouldn't really matter since I couldn't get them anyway.

Okay Jim if you really want to help can you help me get some material for the fashions I want to include, but can't get in time through the local fabric stores? I asked.

What materials do you need and I'll see what I can do, he said.

I gave him a list of the materials I needed and how much of each. He looked the list over and rubbed his chin.

This is quite a list. It may take a couple days, but I think I should be able to get them for you by the end of the week. Will that be soon enough? He asked then continued on, doesn't seem like you want enough of any of them for any outfit so you must be using other materials as well since these materials can't be used together from what I understand.

I didn't answer the last part of his comment about using them in different outfits because I didn't want to let him think I didn't know the materials I needed weren't supposed to be able to be used together. The thing is I did know they weren't supposed to be able to be used together, but I thought I had a way of doing just that anyway. It was going to be a lot of work, but I was confident if I was careful I could do it.

Jim the end of the week would be fine, but the more time I have the better. There is still a lot to do to get everything ready, and this material will require a lot of hand stitching, I said.

He nodded that he understood and asked how he could let me know when the material got there. I said he could let me know through the Pride Center. I think he understood my caution about giving out my phone number or even my address, and said as soon as the material was in he would give them a call.

I got the material Thursday, one day before he said he thought he could get it for me. When I went in to pick it up Jim met me and asked if there was anything else I needed.

Connie I really would love to help if I can. I've seen your work and I think you have a great deal of potential as a designer. To be honest Connie the only reason your charity got the runway is because they said you were going to be the designer for their show, he said.

I turned to look at him. What do you mean I'm the reason? I'm just a kid, I said.

He smiled and said he understood that, but he had seen my fashions around on a previous trip through town and then noticed something similar come out on the runways of New York a few months later, so he started watching closely what some of the women around here wore and what came out there. He saw a correlation so started asking questions. Everyone he talked to here, mentioned me saying they felt like they were setting the trend because what they had in their closet soon seemed to be the newest fashion trend for the rest of the country.

Connie whatever you put on that catwalk is going to be yours no other designer will be able to copy it without giving you the credit, Jim said.

Someone has been stealing my designs? Is that what you're saying? That these big name designers are coming here and stealing my designs? I asked.

Connie I don't know, but yes I believe that is the case, I know of a couple designers that if you try showing the designs I've seen around town are going to file a lawsuit saying you stole their designs, he said.

How could they do that? I drew my designs myself. I worked hard on those designs, making sure I didn't copy someone else. Now you're telling me I may get sued for making my own designs just because I'm a kid? I asked.

Have you got your designs copyrighted, or at least dated? he asked.

Some of them are dated when I drew them. Does that really make a difference? I asked.

Are any of them copyrighted? he asked.

I don't know anything about copyrights, so I doubt it. Most of them I do know when I designed them and also when I made them. I'm not in some kind of trouble am I? I asked.

He laughed, and assured me that no I wasn't in any trouble, but I really should look into getting all my designs copyrighted, if only for my own protection.

Connie if you can prove when you came up with the designs you have let out before this show, you can sue the designers that have brought out designs similar within two years of your design. All profits off those designs are rightfully yours, he said.

I had noticed the same thing that within six months to a year of me making something for someone, something very similar would be the next big craze in fashion. It hadn't meant anything to me because the designs were simple and I figured that maybe the big designer had come up with it themselves. Now I wondered though, what if they had seen my design and stolen it as their own. Was that really possible? Were some of the big name designers really that desperate, they would go around stealing other peoples work and claiming it as their own? What about the money involved how much money was there? Would it be enough to... no I made those designs because I loved making them. I got what I thought was a fair price.

I... I didn't want to think about it. I made what was fair to me, but what if these big designers stole my designs and then claimed I stole their designs, and tried to sue me for... I didn't have any money, mom didn't have any money. What would happen? Would we be homeless all because I didn't protect myself from someone who didn't believe the law of right and wrong should apply to them?

Jim can you help me copyright my designs? I mean all of them even the ones I made for mine and moms friends? I asked.

He agreed to help me protect my designs and promised he wouldn't try looking at them if I wasn't willing to let him. He gave me the address of some lawyers and said what they would do is photocopy my drawings along with dates if I had them, the work I had out if I had receipts of when I sold it to bring that as well and let them make photocopies of them, which would protect me should someone try suing me for any of them.

The next day I found myself sitting in the office of these lawyers, with them making copies of everything, all my drawings, all the invoices for the outfits I had made and sold over the last five years, everything that proved the designs I made were mine, not someone else's.

The lawyers seemed to be impressed with my invoices as each had a small drawing of what it was for, along with the date ordered and the date delivered. I didn't see what the big deal was I wanted to be able to keep track of what I made for each of my customers, so if they ordered the same thing twice I could let them know. Didn't everyone do it that way? If not why not? It only made sense to me. That way I could keep track of what I sold each outfit for as well so I didn't charge one customer one price and another price for another customer, unless the fabrics were different then the one with the more expensive fabric was enough higher to make up the cost of the fabric, but not much more than that.

Three hours and the lawyers were still making photocopies with the stack not showing much sign of getting smaller. When I asked how much longer they thought it might take they smiled and asked how on earth I had ever managed to come up with this many, different designs. I shrugged and said I didn't know, it just seemed natural, and I loved finding new ways of making my Barbie's look nice. After another two hours the lawyers finally reached the bottom of the stack of papers I had and were going over everything looking for dates on the fashions I had made for friends and neighbors.

Miss looking these papers over if you are interested we think you have grounds of copyright infringement on several items here, the lawyer said.

I'm not sure what that means, I said.

It simply means that it appears that someone has taken your designs and copied them saying they are their own. Miss Carlson by law you have the right to sue them for all monies they received both in the past and in the future. In other words you could be due a large amount of money if it's proven that the design is indeed yours not theirs, the lawyer said.

What would happen to them if that happened? I asked.

In all likelihood they would be discredited as a fashion designer and never again be able to sell another design, the lawyer said.

In other words it would ruin them. I don't want to be the reason someones life is ruined. For all I know they may have come up with the design, and it just happens to look very much like one I came up with. I don't want to sue someone unless they try saying I stole their design, then I will defend myself, otherwise now that my designs are on record of being copyrighted I don't want to sue anyone, I said.

Miss Carlson we could be talking millions of dollars here, the lawyer said.

Millions of dollars? Surely he meant to say thousands of dollars not millions, didn't he? Or did he? I didn't know what fashions cost I had never really paid much attention to it. I knew the outfits I intended for the runway were more expensive than anything I had made so far, but even at that I though the price I had given when I agreed to do the show was high. What if I was wrong though, what if it was millions like the lawyer said, did that give me the right to say I designed something someone else may have designed just because I did it first?

No I won't sue someone for stealing my designs if I'm not sure they did. Even if they did I have thousands of designs there that they haven't stolen the loss of a few designs isn't that big of a deal to me, let them have their small victory. I won't sue unless they try to sue me first then I will go for a counter suit to prove I had the design first, I said.

The lawyers all looked at me as though I had lost my mind. They were sure the designs had been mine, and I wasn't going to do anything about it other than move on and forget them, unless the person who stole them tried saying I copied them rather than the other way around. As I left I wasn't sure I had made the right choice.

I talked it over with mom when I got home. Together we agreed perhaps I could have sued and even won, but at what cost to me and those I sued? Would it really be worth the money to get it that way. My designs were now safe and no one would be foolish enough to try stealing anymore if indeed that is what happened.

The night before the show I did final fittings to insure everything was set. As I brought out the dress Paula was supposed to wear on the runway everyone gasped. They stared with open awe that anything could be so beautiful. All the girls wished they could be the one wearing it. All the guys wanting to be the guy on the catwalk with the girl wearing the dress. Paula looked at me as though I had lost my mind as I approached her telling her I needed to get her in the dress, I still needed to finish a couple seams, but I needed her in the dress to know just where the seams needed to be. I put the last few stitches in and asked her to whirl in a circle just to be sure the material moved the way I knew it should.

Connie I can't believe you want me to wear this dress. I feel so... Paula said not finishing her statement as a whistle came from the door of the dressing room.

I turned and standing there was Jim staring at Paula, looking like an angel had fallen and he wasn't sure just when, or why.

Do you need something Jim? I asked.

He looked at me then back at Paula. I... Connie I... He came in the room further and stared from Paula to me and back. Connie that isn't supposed to be able to be done. Those fabrics are so different it's supposed to be impossible to use them together. I have the best, most knowledgeable people in the world working here and any time anyone even thinks of combining even two of those fabrics they're told noway. I...

I smiled inwardly knowing his people had never thought of doing what I did. Each of the fabrics were compatible with other fabrics, thus using the intermediary fabric was able to make it appear I had accomplished something impossible. As the fabric settled from Paula’s spin I noticed one spot where the intermediary fabric showed through and quickly found the right thread and started fixing it. As I put the last stitch in he started looking to see just how I managed to do the impossible.

"I really did wonder about those fabrics and just what you intended. Now I know this industry is about to be set on its heels. The lawyers told me how long it took them to make photocopies of all your drawings, and also what you said when they offered to represent you if you wanted to try recovering the designs that had been stolen from you. I found it