The Road to Forgiveness

By Cheryl Denton

Cheryl Denton gently leads readers to consider powerful ways to forgive the unforgivable. Created for survivors of trauma and abuse with deep emotional wounds. Also for those who can’t let go of the anger, revenge, hate, and guilt that prevent forgiving. This guide shows how to let it all go. Contains countless stories of others' struggles to forgive, as well as references from spiritual sources. Includes discussion questions and relevant life application exercises.

The book is divided into three parts, which include the roadblocks to forgiveness, God's view of forgiveness, and a step-by-step program for learning how to forgive.

Each chapter contains at least one assignment for reflection or practice, as well as a quick review. A table of contents helps readers to either pick and choose topics of interest or to go back and review specific chapters.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Cheryl Denton
• Release date: Nov 11, 2011
• ISBN: 9780984674749

Cheryl Denton

Cheryl Denton wrote the first book in The Darkfire Series, Among the Ashes, to give readers a glimpse into the mind of a person suffering from PTSD. When Hope Was Gone, the second book, addresses the challenges of parenting a child with PTSD. The third novel, Losing Faith, portrays a woman who develops PTSD when a stalker terrorizes her. Mrs. Denton writes all of these novels out of her personal experiences. Her Spiritual Growth Series gently guides survivors through the depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem which many experience. As a writer, Cheryl Denton has contributed a large body of work through her blog for survivors of abuse and trauma, www.cheryldenton.com/blog. Much of her writing follows the theme of rising above life’s challenges. Over the years, she has also worked as a magazine editor and book editor.

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What others are saying about Cheryl Denton Books

Out of her own experiences, Cheryl Denton is able to communicate how it feels to survive PTSD and to develop healthy coping mechanisms through her writing.

--Gail Rizzo, Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Professor

I applaud Cheryl Denton for bringing healing to those that need it so.

--Kathy Shrewsbury, Divorce Care Ministry Leader

THE ROAD TO FORGIVENESS:

Removing the Roadblocks

by Cheryl Denton

Copyright 2011 Cheryl Denton

Smashwords Edition License Notes

This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This e-book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Table of Contents

Beginnings

Chapter 1: Bypass Anger

Chapter 2: Detour Revenge

Chapter 3: Circumvent Hatred

Chapter 4: Leave Fear in the Dust

Chapter 5: Steer Clear of Depression

Chapter 6: Turn Away from Mistrust

Chapter 7: Burn Rubber Past Shame

Chapter 8: Accelerate Beyond Low Self-Esteem

Chapter 9: Navigate Through Pride

Chapter 10: Follow God's Character

Chapter 11: Persevere Mile by Mile

The End of the Journey is Just the Beginning

About the Author

Coming Soon from Cheryl Denton

Endnotes

Beginnings

He who chooses the beginning of the road chooses the place it leads to. It is the means that determines the end.

Harry Emerson Fosdick

As a survivor of abuse and trauma, I have been personally challenged by the concept of forgiveness. For years, I asked ministers, psychologists, Christian friends, and counselors how to forgive people who constantly hurt me. Some gave me utterly ridiculous answers. Others suggested doing things which were far from my beliefs. Finally, a wise counselor helped me to see that forgiving abusive, toxic, or dangerous people calls for a specific approach. This method has brought me peace, and I hope it will help you, too.

While this book was initially planned to help survivors of abuse and trauma, I believe that it will assist any reader who is struggling with forgiveness. Whether you’re having trouble forgiving your spouse for leaving his dirty clothes on the floor again, or forgiving the criminal who left you feeling victimized, I pray that this book will help you to achieve a sense of understanding about the forgiveness process.

I like to think of forgiveness as a long, winding road. Along the way, we encounter roadblocks that may delay us, force us to turn back, or send us on a detour. At first, I thought of these roadblocks as orange construction barrels. Over time, I came to realize that most obstacles on the road to forgiveness are other people. They force us to stop progressing, or they detour us through the dysfunctional roles they play in our lives. Sometimes, we’re the ones standing in our own way, holding onto unresolved feelings as tangible as stop signs on a highway construction site.

Often, we can’t see through the dysfunction surrounding us and the turmoil within us to find a way to forgive. The first nine chapters detail the roadblocks to forgiveness, providing a starting point for removing them from our lives. These chapters are not intended to help readers fully recover from deeper issues that prevent them from forgiving. For more in-depth reading, please consider other titles from my Spiritual Journey Series, as well as books listed at the end of each chapter.

I discovered through my own struggles with forgiveness that we need to take a closer look at God’s character. Understanding our Creator helps us to see more clearly why he calls us to forgive our enemies. Chapter 10 shows us who God is and who he wants us to become. By striving to become more like God, we can better understand the hearts and minds of the people who have wounded us so deeply. This little book cannot possibly describe God adequately. One of my favorite resources for studying God’s character is Wayne Grudem’s Systematic Theology (1994). Other resources about God are listed at the end of Chapter 10, as well.

We all know that we’re supposed to forgive, but sometimes we just can’t do it right away. Other people tell us to get over it, but we can’t. If we decide to press charges against people who have hurt us, a judge will inevitably ask us for our input regarding punishment. This just makes us feel the guilt and shame of the event all over again. We wonder how we can suggest a punishment while extending forgiveness. Some Christians believe that we must turn the other cheek and allow law-breakers to walk free. We’ll be looking at these issues in Chapters 10 and 11.

At the end of every chapter you will find the references I used to gather information about forgiveness. They are under the heading, Going the Extra Mile. For deep and lasting change from within, I would recommend consulting as many of these books as you can. It's important to pause and reflect, writing out the answers in a journal to questions that are posed. Working through this book slowly and carefully will bring far greater results than if you just speed-read from beginning to end.

Please send me your thoughts about why you believe it is so hard to forgive. Tell me how you have resolved this problem. Your comments will always be kept confidential, unless you request that I share them with other survivors. I would never reveal your identity. Send your thoughts to me at cheryldenton.com/contact.

Forgiveness is a long journey, one with a destination that cannot be reached overnight. It is a great privilege to travel this road with you. I pray God’s blessings on your efforts.

Cheryl Denton

1

Bypass Anger

Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools.

Albert Einstein, German physicist

Why begin with anger?

Since the 1980s, Harvard University has been tracking a disease which they call intermittent explosive disorder, or IED. The symptoms include weekly outbursts, such as road rage, fist fights, arguments, and other events. Rage of this magnitude can lead to heart attack or stroke. According to a 2006 Harvard study, 10 million adult men in the United States suffer from this disorder.¹

The truth is, anger erupts because we are too uncomfortable with other feelings, such as shame, fear, or pride. We begin our journey with anger, because it comes to us easily in so many forms, harming both relationships and health. Confusion about how to manage anger causes us to revert to old habits that no longer serve a useful purpose. And as long as anger remains, we cannot move forward along the road to forgiveness.

How does our anger hurt others?

I don’t like to be in the presence of angry people who are out of control. It makes me feel uncomfortable, and it often hurts others. Consider the following conversation, which a child observed from an adjoining room:

Broken Plates

What do you know about anything, you spineless worm?

The child heard his mother shouting from the next room. A cupboard door slammed.

More than you think I do, came his father’s quiet response.

The child peered around the corner. You have no clue, his mother said, banging a stack of plates down on the table.

I know that shouting at me won’t help, his father said.

I have to shout, she said, her voice rising, You never listen! She picked up a thermal coffee mug and hurled it at her husband. The boy’s father ducked just in time. The mug hit the wall behind him with a thud and rolled across the floor. The child watched coffee drizzling down the wall.

I’ve had it! his father said loudly. I’m getting out of here.

When the door closed behind him, the boy’s mother picked up a plate and slung it, like a Frisbee, across the kitchen. It shattered loudly against the closed door. Watching his mother’s angry outburst frightened the child, who clamped his hands over his ears. It did nothing to block her final words.

Coward! she screamed after her husband. Run! Just like you always do!

How does our anger hurt us?

When we lash out at others in anger, we say things and do things that we later regret. Often, we fracture the trust that others have placed in us. Some words are so hurtful that we permanently destroy friendships and family relationships.

Consider the harm to the child in the above conversation. Not only does he fear and mistrust his mother, but he also fears that his father may never return. The husband has been so badly mistreated by his wife’s anger, her odds of getting him to forgive her may be pretty slim.

When angry people call others names, insult them, shout at them, and smash things, relationships may suffer irreparable damage. If we’re not careful, our anger may hurt our health more than it hurts the person with whom we’re angry. Unresolved anger can lead to depression, anxiety, heart attack, stroke, high blood pressure, insomnia, and headaches.

Anger is like cigarette smoking, says Howard Kassinove, Ph.D., an anger researcher at Hofstra University. In the short run, you feel good. In the long run, you’re more likely to die of heart disease or stroke. People think it’s macho to be angry. It’s more macho to be alive.²

Resolving our anger is essential if we want to learn to forgive. When we stuff or re-direct our anger, it pops up unexpectedly as impatience, passive-aggressive behaviors, and nightmares; or self-destructive habits, such as over-eating or abusing substances.

If we get angry, does that mean we’re bad?

It’s important to understand that it’s okay to get angry. Everyone does from time to time. Anger is our heart’s way of telling us that something needs attention. It’s how we express our anger, however, that determines whether or not we enjoy good health and positive relationships.

Let’s consider some thoughts from the Bible on the topic of God’s anger. Romans 1:18 (Contemporary English Version) tells us that God gets angry. From heaven God shows how angry he is with all the wicked and evil things that sinful people do to crush the truth.

The Bible also tells us that Jesus got angry during his time on earth. Mark 11:15-17 (NIV) recalls the story of Jesus’ angry reaction when he discovered people using his Father’s temple as a marketplace:

On reaching Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple courts and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves, and would not allow anyone to carry merchandise through the temple courts. And as he taught them, he said, Is it not written: ‘My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations?' But you have made it a den of robbers.

God made us in his image, therefore it is natural for us to feel angry at times. Anger is our built-in warning signal that tells us when something is not consistent with God’s Word. There’s nothing inherently bad in feeling anger, but hurting others with angry outbursts is definitely wrong. If we respond to it properly, anger can actually help us to redirect our thoughts and actions. It may help us to identify why we are so upset so that we can pinpoint the real feelings underlying anger.

Why are we so angry?

There are countless reasons why we might be angry. Our spouse shames us, embarrasses us, or betrays us. Our parent forgets about us, criticizes us, tells our secrets, hits us, or ignores us. Our best friend starts rumors about us or makes unkind remarks to us. A neighbor falsely accuses us. Our boss under-appreciates us, shows favoritism to someone else, or breaks promises he has made to us.

When we fall victim to traumas, such as abuse, sexual assault, natural disasters, combat, or crimes, we may find it difficult to contain our anger. It may be directed at the person who hurt us, at others, or at God. If a criminal victimizes a loved one through violent acts, such as kidnapping, rape, or murder; our anger may grow into rage.

Lloyd Garver of CBS News speculated about anger in America:

Daily expressions of anger could be symptoms of the anxious times we live in. Perhaps people are living in a constant state of tension and fear about the world… we feel frustrated and angry because we don’t know what we can do to change things.³

While it is true that many events may spark our anger, I believe that there is a primary underlying cause for most anger: unmet expectations. We want the people closest to us to be proud of us, to cover over anything shameful or embarrassing that we do, and to stick up for us, no matter what. We expect them to remember our needs at all times, to encourage us, to keep our secrets, and to treat us gently.

When we make mistakes, we want others to keep quiet about our faults, to speak kindly to us, and to correct us only when absolutely necessary. Even if we’re far from perfect, we want them to appreciate us, to treat us fairly, and to keep their promises to us.

Since other human beings are as prone to hurting people as we are, somewhere along the line, our needs are not going to get met; and we’re going to fail to meet others’ needs, too. We must all come to understand that no one can consistently provide all of these things for us, except God. And when we fail to live up to one another’s expectations, it’s imperative to learn how to let go of our anger, forgive, and move on.

Are there different types of anger?

There are different types of anger, which show up in varying degrees. Sometimes, it’s easy to let go of our anger, because the offense was unintentional or not very serious. However, at other times, letting go of anger becomes the most difficult thing we are called to do, because someone intentionally victimized us through a serious offense.

I have divided this section into two parts. First, I describe a typical scenario involving anger in a situation where it is not terribly difficult to forgive. Second, I break down several types of angry reactions and explain why forgiveness may be far more difficult in more serious situations.

Anger that is easily resolved

There are some instances where anger can be dealt with more easily than others. If someone hurts us unintentionally, it’s easier to understand how it must feel to walk in their shoes. Consider the following anecdote:

Let Go

John, can I talk to you?

John looked up to find the department manager standing beside his desk. John hoped he was there to talk about the new ideas that he had submitted that morning. The manager was tops in advertising, and John respected his feedback. Sure, John said. He followed the manager into his office and sat down in one of the leather chairs facing the desk.

The manager said, I’m not going to sugar-coat this. We’re letting you go.

John felt as if he’d been sucker-punched. In the next instant, he balled up his fists and resisted the urge to throttle the manager. He’d worked harder than anyone else on the new project. Didn’t that count for anything?

Before John could respond, the manager said, "You’re the last guy I would ever consider