Dating the Married Woman: Tale of a Male Mistress

By Allan James Miller

Are you dating a married woman/man? Know someone who is? Would you like to help a mistress get out of a love triangle? This book is designed to assist those caught up in an illicit affair with a married person and to help break the bond that keeps a mistress in a go-nowhere relationship.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Sep 1, 2013
• ISBN: 9781483506845

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CHAPTER 1: A New Virtual Beginning

Pulling up in a rather worn, but clean, taxi to the entrance of a shiny new mall in town, I could see my potential date in view, a conveniently short distance away. She was prepping outside the conveniently-located entrance to the restaurant we agreed to meet at, gazing time and again into the establishment’s mirror-like windows to make sure her make-up was just so, tugging on her dress now and then to ensure it comfortably rested and flowed freely on her body. It was a great day, sunny with a nice breeze that caused the leaves of the tall trees to sway very gently, a perfect day for anyone who has a hint of belief in all things being arranged just right for a late afternoon date. All seemed perfectly aligned for an event so potentially memorable. Admittedly, it was a relief to be dating so quickly after my last relationship with a she-devil whom I thought was purposely put on this earth to make my life a living hell, and I desperately felt the urge to atone for such a lousy relationship experience by immediately casting my net out again for a suitable replacement. In the recesses of my mind it seemed too soon to be looking for someone new, just a few short weeks after ending a relationship with someone else, but I was determined to expunge the thoughts of the she-devil as soon as I possibly could. Taking a break from dating was sage advice by the many who had offered it to me, but it was too tempting and too easy to take the path from potential loneliness to one of possible bliss. The previous relationship was bad, yes, but being overly optimistic that this new girl could be the ‘one’ was too great to ignore. Approaching the entrance to the restaurant, Amy was standing there all smiles, and she radiated a high degree of warmth to match the great weather that day.

Using the admittedly ridiculous macho tactic of walking up to my date at a relaxed pace just to show that one wasn’t too overly excited to be there lest appearing too anxious, I took the immediate opportunity to give my date a quick glance-over. Amy was a bit on the thin side, pretty with a lot of long tied-up permed jet-black hair which exaggerated her small, yet shapely, body frame. The low-cleavage red dress she was wearing was a bit out of place for an afternoon date, much better suited for an evening out, and her black high-heeled shoes looked more like heavy bricks on her tiny feet. Overall, though, she gave me a pretty good impression. As we sat down to lunch we engaged in the usual first-date small talk where she spoke a little bit about her background, various likes and dislikes, and the reasons for wanting to find a mate, which included her desire to have a meaningful and loving relationship. So far so good I thought: our goals are aligned. As for the rest of the conversation, it was pretty standard stuff really, no drama, no regrets, no heavy emotional outbursts about her past, just plain talk.

To give a bit of a backdrop here, I decided by this stage of my life that I had had enough of attached women and wanted a meaningful relationship, one for the ages as they say. As mentioned in the Introduction, I had spent a greater portion of my love life being involved with married women, and now being overly optimistic, I figured that my reward for finding a new path from the usual pattern of short-term affairs would lead to certain and immediate success. Deciding to try a different tack, as opposed to the typical introductions and recommendations from friends, and the approaches one finds at the predictable work places or bars, I enlisted the services of a well-known matching (not just dating) website. This particular site guaranteed me a choice of great lifetime candidates, and due to the website’s stringent membership policy of married or separated persons not being allowed to join their ranks, I felt that I could do no wrong. Within a fairly short time frame, I had started to receive a very nice series of e-mails from one particular woman who kept repeating the word ‘adorable’ to me in almost every other sentence. I wasn’t sure if this was sincere flattery or was simply generated due to this person reading a book on how to write endearing electronic messages to potential dating partners, but I thought that the gesture was nice enough to warrant a reply and a hopeful face-to-face meeting. This unknown entity had no photo or much to say otherwise, but it felt good to know that I was about to meet someone whom the website administrators had filtered out to be a genuine possible match. Normally I wouldn’t have entertained someone without a photo at the very least, but I decided to roll the dice and see what happened. No pain, no gain. Man, would I regret that saying.

Throughout my late lunch with Amy, the conversation wasn’t that enthralling, so I spent a great deal of time entertaining myself by looking down her revealing low-cut dress. She was kind of cute though, nothing really that special in my mind, and as we got up from the table to end our lunch I checked out her figure while purposely asking her to walk ahead of me, feeling that yeah, she looked like a decent lay as my eyes fluttered up and down quickly as if taking a CT scan. Not much else crossed my mind to be quite honest. Yet for some reason though, one thing did stand out: I really did like her smile which was quite genuine, and she had the kind of smiling eyes that were infectious, considerably so due to their sparkle and attractiveness. We parted ways at the entrance to the restaurant, and although I did offer to walk her to her car, it wasn’t necessary to do so since her vehicle was parked only a very short distance away. This convenient arrangement allowed me to intensely watch Amy while she left, giving me the opportunity to gather her in fully as she was walking away with the occasional smile, turn and wave.

Feeling pretty good about the overall result of the way the conversation went, and approving of the fact that the matching website had in fact done a pretty good job of offering me at least a pretty decent candidate for a long-term, meaningful relationship, this first date seemed altogether satisfying. Despite this, however, I did look forward to what other options might present themselves over the next few weeks or so and waited in anticipation for my inbox to chime with other possible worthy candidates. I know, I know, maybe it’s just a natural male thing, but I decided not to put all my eggs in one basket for the time being and not depend solely on one person to solve my relationship desires. Unless, of course, I found myself totally smitten or bitten by the love-at-first-sight phenomenon which can occur from time to time. There indeed were a few hits that the website offered here or there in the month that followed, but nothing that intrigued me all that much.

A few days after our date, I received a call from Amy asking whether we could meet up sometime soon, naturally at my convenience. Nothing to read into this, really, since I had always found that women were the first to contact me after a first date so it wasn’t considered unusual in my case, although I did appreciate the first move she made. I deferred meeting with Amy without feeling any sense of guilt about it: she was a decent girl I figured, but within a week of our meeting I started to date a couple of other single girls whom I thought could be particularly good potentials. (Notice that I said single girls – as I stated earlier, I had come to the conclusion by this time that married women weren’t the plan. Good for me, right?). Tricia was a very attractive, bubbly, and forthright girl who simply spoke her mind and had the innate ability to make anyone feel at ease almost immediately. On our first date she came strolling up to me in a flowing yellow skirt which suited her sunny disposition. She had an infectious laugh, and we spent a great deal of time on the phone and on dates doing nothing but laughing at each other’s stories and life experiences. This caused others at public places to turn and look at us with amusement or disdain, depending on how secure they felt at the moment, but the unwanted attention didn’t bother me much really. I had a great time with her every time we went out, and we started to warm up to each other rather quickly. Cassandra, on the other hand, was a very quiet but confident individual, very professional and serious in her manner yet a very warm person nonetheless. It took me a little while to feel a real connection with her, but I did hold an attraction for Cassandra by way of her real concern and for people in general, a necessary attribute for a medical professional specializing in pediatrics. Both candidates would have been great potentials for anyone out there, and I am sure each of them would have made a wonderful partner for any deserving single guy.

For some reason, though, my mind steered toward Amy so I thought it would be a good idea to see her again after all, probably because I was boyishly intrigued with her eyes and smile. Or perhaps it was just fate, who knows. I know it sounds kind of stupid, but I didn’t care whether she was a professional, or held a degree, or whatever else one could have on a personal shopping list as a desired asset, it was something about her aura that bewitched me. I was a bit befuddled as to how a simple smile could overcome the great attributes that the other single girls seemed to possess, yet for some deep and inexplicable reason I was drawn to Amy, and after declining a date or two with her (I actually stood her up once by accident), I decided to follow my mild curiosity and make up for not showing up the previous time. We made arrangements to see each other again at the soonest available opportunity.

Amy and I met up again this time at a small, quiet restaurant which was far better suited for a private and intimate chat. I used the advice of the great conversationalists of the ages by letting Amy talk about herself as much as possible, allowing me to glean important aspects of her life and thus dig a bit deeper when it was my turn to speak. So far, so good yet again I thought, and I found myself becoming gradually more intrigued by this rather pretty late 30-something’s personality and charm. Somewhat more comfortable in her presence as opposed to our last date, I sensed I was definitely on the right track as she started to marginally grown on me.

Then it happened. As she began to divulge some intimate details about herself, Amy’s eyes started to well up with tears. I reasoned that, perhaps, her numerous revelations about herself and the reminiscing about her abusive father and timid mother caused some heavy bout of melancholy to well up inside her, something that she just couldn’t keep at bay any longer. Or perhaps she felt a pang of guilt as she mentioned her relatives’ poor financial status compared to her own reasonably comfortable lifestyle. I couldn’t figure it out until she almost inaudibly confessed that she was married, and had been married for quite some time, with a small two-year-old daughter. Until this point she always had the ability to look me in the eye and smile while discussing important facts about her life. Not this time.

I couldn’t believe it. Almost immediately I felt a surge of palpable heat rise slowly throughout my whole body, as a combination of rage and total discomfort overcame me. It’s a damn lousy feeling, where your soul seems to sink right inside of you, and I took the news almost as if it were a betrayal. I wasn’t sure who or what I was more pissed off at, the website or this asshole for lying to me. After all, didn’t the website guarantee that their screening process would eliminate any fakes from penetrating their virtual defenses? As if sitting on a mental swivel chair, my thoughts all of a sudden switched to Amy – how could this seemingly sweet petite bitch pass herself off as single on a website and outwardly claim to be something she wasn’t? I was fuming inside and I didn’t know how to react at that moment. I had already spent a number of dates trying to get to know her, my confidence rising incrementally as I gave myself enough space to take it slowly and at a justified relaxed pace. I surely didn’t expect this, but in retrospect perhaps that’s a lie: I had experienced so much truth-stretching from a bevy of previous dates that I think that I did expect some fibbing, but not an outright, blatant significant lie. My next thoughts were ones of disdain, proving you just can’t trust anyone to be honest and forthright in life, including any website that guarantees nirvana. I surmised that Amy’s marriage admission was a travesty of justice, although I did feel some irony when considering my own previous actions involving married women. Nonetheless, Amy’s lie had me in a shock-like state.

Going on a dating or matching website and lying about one’s marital status is, and continues to be, an on-going point of contention amongst site subscribers, and assuredly a thorn in the side to administrators running the sites as well. There is just no way to know whether a potential profiler is telling the truth about their actual relationship situation or not, just as there are no guarantees about someone giving you an accurate photo or description of themselves (we will ignore the various well-known money scams). Case in point: I have been on a number of dates with potentials from various dating and matching websites, and a large percentage of these women have sent me a photo that is at least 7-10 years old and hardly ever resembling their present physical self-descriptions. It is extremely easy to verify this simply by checking the properties of the photo once it’s received on your computer. I’ve received a slew of photos showing a youthful, slender girl who claims to be in her mid-30’s, yet I end up meeting someone who is in her mid-40’s, looking perceptibly different and ten pounds (or more) overweight. I have caught out a good number of women claiming that they are single or divorced when in fact they are ‘temporarily’ separated or in fact, married: this can be great from a sex standpoint since it isn’t all that difficult to capitalize on their need for companionship, but lying about being married is a whole other matter. Equally, of course, the number of married men out there claiming to be single is legion. So the question is: if a person lies to you from the very start of a potentially serious relationship, how will you be able to trust them as time goes on? What kind of character does this person represent if they can lie bare-faced about their marital status right from the beginning? These and other questions about Amy’s trustworthiness swirled in my mind as I was taking this all in, and all the red flags that one should take notice of were waving quite visibly.

The Truth about Online Dating

An article in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (Hall, Park, Song and Cody, 2010) entitled ‘Strategic Misrepresentation in Online Dating: The Effects of Gender, Self-Monitoring, and Personality Traits,’ discusses the main factors which online dating users distort to attract others, namely: personal assets; their relationship goals; personal interests; past relationships; weight; and age. In a study by Hall et al. (2010) appearing in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, men were found to bullshit their personal assets, relationship goals, personal attributes, and personal interests the most, while women lied mainly about their weight. Age was something everyone lied about. While everyone seeks to make the best impression they can, the authors of the study show that when the goals and background of each partner are unknown, the risk of deception is very high. And initially appealing to one’s looks, made by way of continuous flattery (genuine or not), is probably the most important tactic used in the early stages to kick-start communication. Remember how adorable I was?

The aspect of misrepresentation and self-presentation focused on in the above study concerns the conscious and intentional lies told to deceive another party, being referred to interchangeably as ‘deception’ or ‘strategic misrepresentation.’ The growth of websites dedicated to online dating or matching individuals has increased exponentially over the past ten years or so, and it has been found that the primary concern of anyone engaging in joining such a site is deciding whether or not a potential date is misrepresenting himself or herself in the end. Although it has been found in some studies, for instance Toma, Hancock and Ellison’s (2008) article in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, that the degree of embellishment is quite small, Hall et al. argue that not enough studies have been carried out in the area of online dating deception to warrant such an observation, presumably because lying is probably more prevalent than known. Hall et al. go on to argue that the ability to lie about one self online is greater than what can be accomplished in off-line (face-to-face) dating. While we have all met people at a bar or social setting who completely distort the truth about themselves, these people can be caught out over time, whereas those using a computer to build themselves up can craft a false profile over weeks and weeks of planning and practice without anyone knowing who they really are, what they are, what they really look like, etc., for a long, long time. With a large base of