Enlightened Dating for Men

By Scott Bogart

Enlightened Dating for Men is the ultimate resource for successful dating. It combines integrity and authenticity with cutting-edge dating techniques that really work. The results are the most amazing relationships with women imaginable.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Scott Bogart
• Release date: Sep 14, 2010
• ISBN: 9781458118875

Book preview

Enlightened Dating for Men

By Scott Bogart

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2010 Scott Bogart

All rights reserved

Other Titles by Scott Bogart at Smashwords:

Towards Enlightenment: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/24525

Hacia La Iluminación: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/24526

Discover other titles by Scott Bogart at:

http://www.smashwords.com/books/search?query=Scott+Bogart

Also visit http://www.scottbogart.com

Click here for video introduction:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dw3BhrlSisU&feature=player_embeded

To all sons,

Especially Devin, Jeffrey, Colton, Wil, Daniel, and Sean

Table of Contents

Introduction

Part I. What is Enlightened Dating?

Dating as part of the relationship cycle

Dating that is in alignment with your values

Being authentic

Dating with integrity

Dating philosophy and ethics

Setting your intention

Sex and spirituality

Energy and dating

Statistics (level 1) and attractor patterns (level 2)

Dating Success Factors

Part II. Dating Success Factors: Overview

The concept of SUE (Safety, Understanding, and Excitement)

The nuances of the Law of Attraction

Belief management

Mindset

Practice

Confidence

Being able to see the upside

Honesty and trust

Increasing your sticky factor

Timing and pace

The attraction model

Generating non-visual attraction

Your strengths and weaknesses

Being your best while being you

The Doormat/Jerk Spectrum

Prudent Vulnerability

Statistics (level 1)

Attractor patterns (level 2)

Embracing rejection

Going where the women are

Props

Presence (how you occupy space)

Your body language

Eyes and smile

Her body language

Moving quickly

Avoiding paralysis

Communicating the possibility of romance

Understanding her need for safety

Understanding her need to be understood

Naturally initiating verbal contact

The art of conversation

Obtaining her contact information

Dating phone dynamics

First date dynamics

Second date dynamics

Subsequent dates, sex, and expectations

Self-control

Lessons from The Tao of Steve

Part III. Knowing Yourself

Your personal intrinsic assets

Your ego

Taking responsibility

Being real

Your baggage

Building confidence

Understanding fear

Stepping into the real story of who you are

Style and Grooming

Getting fit

Have a life!

Part IV. Knowing Who and What You Are Looking For

Knowing why you want to be with a woman

Women have needs too

Being careful how you attract women

Design and serendipity

Part V. Human Interaction: The Best Path to Dating Interaction

Human interaction is crucial

Human interaction vs. romantic interaction

The Good Habits with people in general

Honoring everyone

Becoming an enlightened conversationalist

Your personal charisma

Part VI. Interaction with Women of Interest

The Good Habits with women of interest

Men are the pursuers ninety-five percent of the time

Love all women

The body language of women

Using body language

The interaction progression

Initiating conversations with women of interest

Her relationship status and what it means

Boyfriend status and the benefits of open discussion of past relationships

Magically jumpstarting trust and understanding

In-depth discussions of her past relationships

Spiritually magical elements

Controlling your desire

Friends

Part VII. Finding the Right Women to Date

The sea is full

Using your beliefs to create reality

Trust, but with eyes wide open

Substance vs. façade

Women to avoid

Venues

Part VIII. Successful Dating

Creative dating

Reading women

Allowing vs. forcing

How to know she’s ready to kiss

The right time to have sex

Dynamics of sexual desire

Dynamics of control

Dealing with expectations

Human nature

Comply with yourself

Walk-away power

Understand her concept of how love is expressed

More about honesty and trust: case studies

Dealing with questions about other women

Part IX. Moving Forward/Breaking It Off

Recognizing the diamond

Respecting each other’s desires

Knowing when to get out

How to get out

Part X. Summary

List of Tables

Figure I: Bell Curve of IQ

Figure II: Extrapolation – Mathematical – Relationship

Introduction

Several years ago I walked into the office of a co-worker. On the wall was a poster that had several quotes containing key bits of wisdom for living a happy life. There was one that instantly jumped out at me. It was a quote by H. Jackson Brown, Jr., author of A Father’s Book of Wisdom, which stated, Choose your life’s mate carefully; from this one decision will come ninety percent of your happiness or misery.

I’m not sure if ninety percent is an accurate number as it relates to the truth of this statement, since there are many other significant aspects of human existence. But it should be apparent that if you’re in a bad long-term relationship, it will have a huge impact on the quality your life. At the time I read this quote, I was going through a divorce, and its significance resonated deeply. Choose your life’s mate carefully…. Obviously good advice, but how does one go about performing this crucial task? The answer lies in the activity of dating.

Dating is art and science. It is both simple and complex. It’s a combination of detailed awareness and Zen execution. It can be beauty in time and space, or hell on earth. The mastery of dating also has a profound impact on the mastery of one’s life in general. When a man can approach dating with enlightenment, it’s likely that he’s approaching life with enlightenment as well.

Dating should not be confused with relationships. A man who is good at dating may be horrible at relationships, or vice versa. There are some men who are good at finding women and having short interactions, but have difficulty managing long-term relationships. If this describes you, and if it’s your desire to learn how to have a successful long-term relationship, you’ll find this book insightful. The reason is because the dating aspect has a huge impact on the trajectory of what follows. By altering your approach to dating, you’ll significantly affect your possible relationship outcomes. But since the primary thrust of this book is dating, it doesn’t fully address the subject of long-term relationships. Therefore, in conjunction with this book, you to also seek other books that specifically address how to succeed in long-term relationships.

There are those who have had great long-term relationships, but have had a hard time getting jump-started when they find themselves back in the world of dating. Their relationship experience is very helpful in the dating process, but that experience alone won’t optimize the dating experience. The Enlightened Dating concepts that are contained in this book will greatly increase the probability of compatible matches going forward.

If you’re a person who has spent a lot of time in one or more long-term relationships, there’s a reason why entering the world of dating may seem scary and intimidating. It’s because people become good at what they practice, and it’s difficult to practice dating if you’re in a relationship. This is ironic because the better you are at dating and finding a great match, the sooner you won’t need dating skills! Yet having these skills and knowing you can access them has a magical effect on your confidence and the quality of your long-term relationships.

If you’re someone who believes that you’ve never been good at dating or have never had a long-term relationship, don’t despair! This book will provide insights that take the mystery out of dating. At a minimum, you’ll obtain the knowledge of what it takes to be successful.

The men who get the most out of their interactions with women tend to be very good at both dating and relationships. The secret to becoming good at both lies in the simultaneous practice of two elements: 1) being spiritually connected, and 2) having an understanding of the practice of what actually works. The first element involves actively seeking truth and enlightenment. The second involves being a student of human nature and practicing human interaction.

Enlightened Dating isn’t just a process of dating; it’s a process of total human interaction that substantially increases the probability of having wonderful life experiences. These experiences are not limited only to women of interest; they include all people. Enlightened Dating concepts are essential in establishing relationships with women who are compatible in the long-term. It’s a process that increases interaction with all women, ultimately gleaning out the very best prospects. Additionally, it’s a vehicle of self-exploration that enables you to find out what you really want.

You may be asking yourself, what qualifies me to be giving you advice on Enlightened Dating. The answer has to do with my own unwavering dedication to the discovery of the truth, combined with a lifelong love and desire to fully enjoy the company of women. As with most men, I’ve had the same challenges that are typically encountered in dating and relationships. This includes everything from initially getting the attention of women to making a determination of whether or not to stay in a relationship with them. My insights have come from:

A determination to discover the truth behind every dating mystery that I’ve ever personally encountered or heard about.

A determination to never repeat the same mistakes. Whenever I’ve experienced any pain related to dating or relationships, I’ve always looked for and discovered the truth surrounding each situation in order to gain full understanding. This allowed me to develop techniques to identify and deal with similar situations, thus creating the ability to guide them to satisfying outcomes.

Mastering the practice of prudent vulnerability. Although most dating advisors will not acknowledge this important aspect, the element of vulnerability is essential in order to get the most out of dating and relationships. Most dating advisors tend to put focus on how to manipulate women in order to dominate and control them. Although their methods provide insight into human nature and can achieve short-term goals, unless they’re ultimately combined with prudent vulnerability, such goals have little long-term relationship value. Therefore, they rarely result in amazing encounters of beauty, love and deep connection.

This book is the product of a lifetime of absorbing everything I could get my hands on regarding the subjects of dating, relationships, and understanding women. It also combines the experiences of friends and clients, interviews with dating masters, and years of my own personal experiences. There are many powerful and valuable concepts that I’ve discovered that I’ve never seen in other books. These concepts give you awareness of the reality behind dating situations, and the power to make the right decisions. You will find them invaluable in your quest to produce the greatest amount of happiness from your experiences with women.

This book can be read either from start to finish, or by selecting topics of greatest interest. If you choose to select specific topics, I recommend that you first read the section entitled What is Enlightened Dating.. Then move on to the section entitled Dating Success Factors: Overview. This overview is designed to create general awareness around specific topics. The later sections provide detailed discussions of these topics, as well as advanced concepts that guide you closer to mastery.

Here’s what you can expect to learn from this book:

How to become more attractive to yourself and others

How to interact with women to make them want to date you

How to identify the best places to meet women of interest

How to effectively manage your dates and relationships

How to appropriately end relationships

Most importantly, you’ll learn how to approach dating from a prospective of greater enlightenment. This will allow you to gracefully maneuver through the world of dating; magically manifesting the results you want. All you have to do is to approach Enlightened Dating with an open mind and be willing to change some habits.

Before getting started on the concepts of Enlightened Dating, it’s important to have clarity on the general concept of enlightenment. In Western culture, we tend to minimize its importance and invest little time in understanding of what it really is. There are many reasons for this, including that enlightenment has the appearance of being nebulous, mystical, and perhaps unattainable.

But the concept of enlightenment is simple. It’s based in the unwavering dedication to the truth. A man who is on the path towards enlightenment will seek the truth regardless of its outcome or implications. In other words, he will not knowingly invest in ignorance, misinformation, or in a perception of reality that is based primarily on how he wishes things would be.

As a man commits to habitually seek the truth in this fashion, a miracle happens: he begins to see the truth more clearly. And because he’s abandoned his fear of the truth in order to see it, he’s also learned to face fear, which causes his other fears to begin to disappear as well. As he becomes more comfortable with the truth and more aware of the benefits of seeing it clearly, another miracle happens: he releases his need to be perceived as being right, which makes it easier for him to see even more truth.

As he progresses, he becomes more at peace, and begins to feel freed from the illusions of desire and suffering. As more of the insignificant aspects of life begin to take up less space in his consciousness, he begins to see the important aspects with greater clarity, opening the door to gaining spiritual light. This is because there’s nothing more filled with light than truth. Or as Gandhi put it, God is truth.

Since enlightenment is based on the pursuit and realization of truth, it should be apparent that gaining clarity dating activities is necessary if a man is to have the best possible interactions with women. It’s my intention that you gain the clarity to have the most amazing dating experiences possible, and that these experiences lead to whatever types of beneficial relationships with women that you desire. Dating, as with life, is a journey and an adventure. I wish you well with yours!

Part I. What Is Enlightened Dating?

Enlightened Dating involves the following concepts:

Dating as part of the relationship cycle

Dating in alignment with your values

Being authentic

Dating with integrity

Dating philosophy and ethics

Setting your intention

Sex and spirituality

Energy and dating

Statistics (level 1) and attractor patterns (level 2)

Dating Success Factors

Dating as part of the relationship cycle

I have many male friends. Some are single and some are married. Some have been married several times. What they have in common is a love of women and a desire to spend time with them. When they’re in a relationship, they experience a contentment that isn’t present when they’re single. But as time passes, this contentment often turns into complacency, daily routines, and neglect of self-care. This is because routines make life simple and the participants have their needs met most of the time. But the primary reason that most people accept relationship complacency is because they fear the dating process.

What is it about dating that so many people find distasteful? Consider these reasons:

It’s outside the comfort zone of most people

It involves the possibility of rejection

It involves the potential of temporarily being trapped into spending time with someone

It costs money

It potentially draws adverse judgment from friends and family

Despite these obstacles, dating is a necessary step on the path to a committed relationship. Additionally, the better a man dates, the higher the likelihood that he’ll enter into a compatible relationship. Doesn’t it make sense to learn dating skills?

To further drive this point home, it’s likely that you know someone who has the most wonderful girlfriend or wife imaginable. It’s also likely that you often see lovely women who are with men who don’t seem to be in their league. Wouldn’t it be nice if you were enjoying the company of such women? What do you think the difference is between you and the men who do? There could be many factors, but the key distinction is having an understanding of the dating process.

Dating in alignment with your values

Your values are the concepts that you hold as the most important. Common examples include: truth, honestly, loyalty, love, adventure, sincerity, health, sanctity of life, learning, responsibility, consideration, respect, care, safety, survival, security, sharing, humor, enjoyment, beauty, abundance, joy, freedom, wisdom, nature, and creativity. Of course, the number of possible values is almost endless. Values can also be specific, such as placing a high value on having children.

Your values can be discovered in many ways. One way is to ask yourself the question, What are my true values? Then write down whatever pops in your head. Another is to look at a list of common values and attach a score to each on a scale from one to ten.

A third way, and one of the most accurate, is to think about the most highly revered events of your life, and then attach descriptive adjectives to them. These adjectives will indicate what you value. For example, if a specific event could be described with the adjectives of loving, accepting, and truthful, then these adjectives are likely descriptions of your values. If you’re having trouble identifying your values, consider the assistance of a qualified life coach.

Your life experience is always best when you conduct yourself in accordance with your values. For example, if honesty is one of your core values, you’ll want to conduct yourself with honestly. You should also seek honest women. Successful dating do not occur where one person values honesty and the other doesn’t.

The closer you stay in alignment with your values, the easier life and dating will be. If you value honesty but don’t conduct yourself that way, inner conflict is created. This conflict will not be resolved until you conduct yourself with honesty (or admit to yourself that honesty is not one of your values). By staying in alignment with your values, you’ll attract a compatible person into your life, and gain the ability to sustain successful long-term relationships.

Being authentic

Authentic is defined as not false or not imitation. Being authentic is you really being you. If you don’t know who your authentic self really is, check out the section entitled The Secret to Becoming Yourself in my book, Towards Enlightenment—Essays on Essential Elements of Awareness.

Many people waste time in dating situations by trying to be someone they aren’t. It’s possible to hold a façade for a while, but the real self will eventually emerge. When this happens, the outcome is not good. Several years ago I dated a woman who was good at creating an external image, but this image was not an accurate representation of her inner reality. Problems and mysteries started to emerge. When the truth finally came out, there was a large disparity between the real woman and the façade. After getting over the initial shock, it was easy to accept the reality of the situation and let her go.

Authenticity can be difficult for people coming out of divorce. One reason is that marriage often transforms people into beings that are composites of both spouses. This usually happens when there is an overly controlling spouse. Therefore, one of the best things to do when coming out of divorce is to rediscover your true authentic self. A good starting point is to go back and reconnect to who you were prior to meeting your ex-spouse. This allows you to rediscover personal aspects that got minimized during the marriage. Often these aspects relate to independence or preferred pastimes that caused her to feel threatened. To become your authentic self, these aspects need to be awakened.

Years of being in a committed relationship can also result in complacency and in neglecting one’s physical body. Many people will dive into self-improvement programs. This may include going to courses where people get in touch with their wounds and limited thinking patterns, as well as heading to the gym. These activities are great, but they must be approached with the intention of making permanent improvements to your life.

For example, if you shed thirty pounds and tone up by going to the gym, it’s likely that you’ll be healthier and more attractive. But if you find someone special, and then go back to your old habits, strain will be put upon on your new relationship. Therefore, if you’re going to make a big change in your appearance and lifestyle, only do so if you’re committed to maintaining it. If making this change doesn’t feel authentic, then it probably isn’t.

Being authentic is being true to yourself. When you’re authentic, life is easy. This is because there are fewer distractions. When you’re not being authentic, it’s like living a lie. There’s a reason that rational people don’t lie: the effort required to maintain a lie is not worth the benefit. Being authentic has the same dynamic.

Be the best person you can be, but don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Being authentic opens the door to mastery of Enlightened Dating.

Dating with integrity

There are few things more humiliating than becoming involved in a new dating situation, only to find out that you’re new love is also dating other people. It’s also humiliating to be on the other side, which is dating several people without disclosure and then having it revealed. As discussed later, there are appropriate times to make disclosures and appropriate ways to truthfully articulate them. This is the essence of dating with integrity. Doing so will make your dating more pleasurable and manageable.

There’s an expression that states, The greatest penalty that a thief pays is to look in the mirror and see a thief. When you date with integrity, you’re sending the message that you have integrity. This message is received by the people you’re dating, the people who are introducing you to women, and most importantly, you. It’s vital that when you look in the mirror, you see a person who has integrity and who lives by the Golden Rule. After all, would you want to do something to someone that you wouldn’t want to have done to you?

Sending the message of integrity is important to the people you’re dating. If you’re honest and treat them with respect, this will be reflected in your reputation. But if not, this will also be reflected, and with a much greater force. The reason is due to basic human nature: people are more motivated to express complaints than to express when things are going well.

As discussed later, one of the greatest sources of introductions is through friends and acquaintances. If you have a reputation of integrity, they will gladly introduce you to the most wonderful women they know!

Dating philosophy and ethics

What is your philosophy on dating? This is a broad question and covers many aspects. Let’s first focus on one of the most basic: Are men and women equal?

It’s difficult to imagine that anyone would answer the above question with anything other than, Yes, men and women are equal. However, when I talk with my friends about our teenage sons and daughters, most of them become visibly upset with the prospect of their daughters having sex. I believe this reaction comes from the vestige of the thousands of generations that came before us.

It’s easy to philosophically state that men and women are sexually equal, but there are certain differences between genders that are the result of surviving in past eras. One such difference, as it relates to having sex, is what I call the father/daughter dynamic (i.e., the father’s intense protection of the daughter as it pertains to her dating activities with men). This dynamic is a significant aspect of our resistance to accepting sexual equality.

It wasn’t until mid-twentieth century that reliable birth control methods became available. Prior to that, when a young woman became pregnant, she either had the baby or some form of abortion that was performed in secret. In earlier times, if a daughter became pregnant, it usually destroyed her opportunity to get married. This put an extreme financial burden on the father by having to continue to support the daughter as well as the child. Additionally, in many societies, there was tremendous shame associated with pregnancy out of wedlock. It’s easy to imagine how this played out in the Dark Ages, especially considering current-day practices of certain fundamentalist groups, including that of honor killing. Honor killing is the practice of family members killing one of their own female members for having sex outside of wedlock. It’s considered such a disgrace that the only way to restore honor to the family is to kill the offending member. Even though this practice is not that widespread, severely disgracing women for having sex out of wedlock has historically been a central tenet of the fundamental practices of most major religions.

This aspect of inequality is also exemplified in what has been referred to as the rule of three. The rule of three states that when a man makes a claim of how many women he’s had sex with, you can get the real number by dividing his claimed amount by three. It also states that you can get a woman’s real number by multiplying her claimed amount by three. Obviously, we still tend to revere men with a lot of sexual conquests, but look down on women with similar behavior.

What if a man makes the statement that he believes in sexual equality, but doesn’t support that position with his actions? The inescapable answer is that he’s a hypocrite. Ironically, this hypocrisy punishes men almost as much as it does women. This is because men want sex, but due to the stigma, women are reluctant. Again, the extreme of this dynamic is fundamentalism. In societies where the penalty of death looms over the women for having pre-marital sex, why would they be motivated to have sex?

This dynamic also manifests in another odd way. Many women are willing to have a one-night stand with a stranger. But if they meet someone whom they consider to be boyfriend material, they’ll refrain from having sex with him for a certain period of time to create the illusion that they’re not a certain kind of woman. This is incredibly ironic: they’ll have sex with a stranger that they just met, but make the potential man of their dreams wait! I suppose the guy who is made to wait should take it as a complement, but it feels more like punishment! This dynamic can also make the guy who is boyfriend material feel minimized if he were to ever find out her history, which falls under the category of unintended consequences.

All of this brings us back to the question, Are men and women equal? I can tell you unequivocally that the sooner you bring your philosophy into alignment with total equality between genders, the more abundant your dating and relationship opportunities will be. When it comes to this issue, you have to walk the talk. This means that if you enter into a relationship with a woman, and she trusts you enough to reveal her sexual history, you must treat is as the honor that it is, and must never be judgmental about it. This is an enlightened position, and it takes strength and maturity. It will also bring rewards. Once you’re clear on this basic philosophical issue, most other aspects of dating philosophy naturally fall into place.

Ethics is another key area. Certain behaviors in dating are considered ethical, and others are not. There is no general consensus as to what is considered ethical, but it’s important to define your own standards and do your best to live them. Ethics include aspects such as doing what you say you’re going to do, being on time, not standing someone up, being considerate, being respectful, and respecting her wishes when she says no.

Another area requiring ethics is that of dating multiple women. When doing this, it’s important to distinguish between dating and being in a committed relationship. Dating, by definition, is not a committed state. When most men meet someone new, but are currently dating one or more other women, they keep this fact from her because they think she will tell them to get lost. But surprisingly, I’ve found this isn’t true. If I go on a date with a woman, and tell her up front (at the appropriate time) that I’m dating and am not in a relationship, two positive things usually result. First, she becomes aware that I’m honest and have integrity. Second, and this is the wildest part, she gets the sense that I’m in demand. This usually piques her interest. So what starts off as a potentially dicey situation easily turns into an advantage.

Be forewarned, it’s always possible that the disclosure that you’re dating other women may backfire and send her running. But you’ve done nothing wrong. You are in dating mode, which means that you may be dating other women. This is what people do as part of the process of gleaning out the best relationship. As the saying goes, out of quantity comes quality, and there are few places where this is more true than with men and women interacting for the purpose of discovering a compatible match. If she doesn’t understand this and doesn’t appreciate your up-front honesty, then she’s probably the wrong woman anyway.

But what if she asks you if you’re having sex with the other women? Unless you’re in a committed relationship, it’s none of her business. An appropriate response might be, If you and I had sex, would you want me to disclose it to other people? Out of respect, I never answer questions about things that are potentially intimate, whether the answer is yes or no. Then change the subject. If she’s not satisfied with that response, you may want to consider ending the date. Under no circumstance let her initiate a control dynamic because if you do, it will be almost impossible to recover. More about this issue is presented in the subsection entitled Dealing with questions about other women in the section entitled Successful Dating.

Here’s another forewarning. If you take the position of full disclosure, you also have to accept the possibility that she will have or may already be having sex with others. In this situation, you don’t have the right to demand an answer to that question, at least during the time that dating is your official status. But if you believe in equality between men and women, this is a risk that you are gladly willing to take. After all, are men and women equal or not?

Related to this, I once dated a woman from Sweden. She was very beautiful and had wonderful energy. At the time I met her she was dating two other men, both of whom were crazy about her. Being an ethical dater, she was honest about it. She told them the same thing she told me: she was only interested in dating and had no interest at the current moment to become involved in a committed in a relationship. Thanks to her honesty, I went into it knowing the score and knowing that if I got hurt, it would be my own fault. Therefore I made sure to keep my head on straight, my options open, and to assume nothing. When I first started dating her, my desire was