Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad-and Surprising Good-About Feeling Special

Written by Dr. Craig Malkin

Narrated by Kiff Vandenheuvel

Harvard Medical School psychologist and Huffington Post blogger Craig Malkin addresses the "narcissism epidemic," by illuminating the spectrum of narcissism, identifying ways to control the trait, and explaining how too little of it may be a bad thing.

"What is narcissism?" is one of the fastest rising searches on Google, and articles on the topic routinely go viral. Yet, the word "narcissist" seems to mean something different every time it's uttered. People hurl the word as insult at anyone who offends them. It's become so ubiquitous, in fact, that it's lost any clear meaning. The only certainty these days is that it's bad to be a narcissist—really bad—inspiring the same kind of roiling queasiness we feel when we hear the words sexist or racist. That's especially troubling news for millennials, the people born after 1980, who've been branded the "most narcissistic generation ever."

In Rethinking Narcissism readers will learn that there's far more to narcissism than its reductive invective would imply. The truth is that we all fall on a spectrum somewhere between utter selflessness on the one side, and arrogance and grandiosity on the other. A healthy middle exhibits a strong sense of self. On the far end lies sociopathy. Malkin deconstructs healthy from unhealthy narcissism and offers clear, step-by-step guidance on how to promote healthy narcissism in our partners, our children, and ourselves.

• Language: English
• Publisher: HarperAudio
• Release date: Jul 7, 2015
• ISBN: 9780062417985

Dr. Craig Malkin

Dr. Craig Malkin is an author, clinical psychologist, and lecturer for Harvard Medical School with two decades of experience helping individuals, couples, and families. His articles, advice, and insights on relationships have appeared in newspapers and magazines such as Time, the New York Times, The Sunday Times (London), Psychology Today, and Women’s Health, as well as countless other magazines and websites. He’s also been featured multiple times on NPR, CBS Radio, and the Oprah Winfrey Network channel; appeared on various local morning shows; and been a guest on more than sixty radio stations here and abroad. Dr. Malkin is president and director of the Cambridge, Massachusetts–based YM Psychotherapy and Consultation, Inc., which provides psychotherapy and evidence-based couples workshops. He lives in Boston with his wife and twin girls.

Reviews for Rethinking Narcissism

[Jordan C · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This book is revelatory in so many ways. Helped me realize many things about myself and the people in my life. This kind of information should be taught in high schools to every student since it affects so many relationships out there and impacts us all from the sense that politicians, business leaders, bosses, coaches, friends, everyone is affected by narcissism.

[veltaredliha · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Very good examples from really life for explaining the narcissism ?

[dani · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I like Malkin because his perspective and style of approach is really kind and respectful of everyone. There’s no name calling or dramatic commentary about narcissistic behavior or the people behaving this way.

Most books on narcissistic personality can be extreme or borderline cruel about those who we imagine might fit this description. It can make it hard to understand the meaning and context with the terms and hard to understand in a realistic way.

His way of describing narcissism is grounded in it being a spectrum and how it can be interpreted functionally for those who are disordered and those who are living or interacting with them.

I think learning to see these behaviors for what they are is the most important aspect of recovery from being in relationship with someone who is narcissistic. Because it can be crazy making to experience, it’s necessary to understand what we’ve been through and what we need to do to cope and heal from any abuse that may have occurred.

[madepercy-1 · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

I discovered Craig Malkin’s work in Psychology Today. On subscribing to the magazine, I couldn’t help but think political science might have done the same thing. Psychology Today is a model for other disciplines of how to get their research out into the broader community in an easily digestible way. That’s not to say that I enjoy reading research results that are all presented as lists, i.e., “if you have these five characteristics you are an arsehole” – this becomes rather dull at times – but it does enable me to apply tools and learn about concepts in psychology that I would otherwise not have the training to comprehend appropriately.

Rethinking Narcissism is useful for self-analysis and for coping with others. The Narcissism Test was useful. I recall the first time I encountered the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) test in 1992, during a semester of “Character-Building”, a third-class module at the Royal Military College, Duntroon. I scored an extreme ENTJ (extraversion-intuition-thinking-judgment) – “The Commander”. I undertook the test again in 2001 and found I was slightly less extreme, less again in 2007, and since 2014 I occasionally score as an INTJ (introversion), but the NTJ types are still quite strong. Over time I have learnt to relax, to hold my tongue (when I am not ramming it down my throat), and to be patient, less aggressive, and less competitive. So, when I scored 7 on the narcissism spectrum (this is not too good – a five is ideal), I was not surprised but it made sense that from my teens until my forties I was easily in the extremely unhealthy narcissist range.

Malkin’s idea of narcissism as a spectrum was quite useful. When I left the military, I recall saying to my former CO, then a colonel, that I was sick of everything being so ego-driven (so said the young man who had been top of his cohort since Duntroon until leaving the Regular Army, a complete “thruster” if ever there was one and all at the expense of everyone around him). But the good colonel said to me that there was a bit of ego in everything, and it could be good. But off I went to join the Salvation Army, thinking it was circumstantial rather than me that was the issue (as you do). There have been several others who have recognised my philosophical struggles over the years and their insights were enlightening. Likewise, Malkin speaks to me in a way that makes it OK to be a narcissist sometimes, but to find a healthy balance in doing so.

On reading Malkin’s work, I can see I have much work to do. But now I also have a few tools to deal with the narcissists who surround me. Reading this work was similar to reading BIFF. One feels awkward reading about a scale of something rather than the binary “you suck – you’re awesome!” nonsense that drives most things in contemporary society. But it Malkin echoes the words of the good colonel and for that alone it was worth the read. As for Goodreads’ rating system, I find it difficult to give such books a high score. Were they useful? Yes. Will I use the concepts? Yes. Does this strike me like Thomas Mann’s Death in Venice or Hemingway’s Moveable Feast? Not really. So while my rating of this and other books is low, it is only in the company of the great literature I am reading. A separate ratings category for classics versus self-help books might be useful; regrettably, until such time I must rate books in the company they keep. But don’t let that stop you from reading this favourite from Oprah’s Book Club!