This is part 2 of the 2 part series with Zach and Sarah.  Sarah and Zach are divorced co-parents of two children. They came to Leslie to talk about Andrew, their 16-year-old son who is withdrawn and struggling in school. Last session Leslie explored ways to approach Andrew with curiosity and compassion in order to connect with him. She touched on family dynamics and how Andrew may feel like an outsider in a family of high achievers. We’re going to dive more deeply into that today - how putting pressure on your child, intentionally or otherwise, can set them up for shame and anxiety. Having intense feelings like you are not good enough or that you can’t live up to your parents expectations (perceived or real) can cause major disruptions even when it's unintended by the parents.  Parenting is hard and we are all learning as we go. Sarah and Zach are dealing with very different issues with their two children.  Andrew’s withdrawn behavior can feel so invalidating to the parent who is trying hard. Parenting the challenging child as we hear in this episode, is not very validating because your child doesn’t tell you that you're doing a great job. Even though we all love getting the smile, the hug, and hearing the words, I love you, it's  NOT the child's job to validate you. Remember, they’re just trying to survive adolescence. Parenting is hard and so is being a teenager.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Time stamps:5:15 “Shoulding” your child is shaming your child8:05  Teaching parents to not work so hard8:14  Talking less.  Listen more to your kids.  Listen twice as much as you talk8:45 Nonverbal ways of connecting with your child8:53 Make simple observations. Use the phrase “I notice that” Connecting to your kid in simple little ways that don’t put them in the “hot seat”9:26 Say it and let it go10:01 Indirect ways of connecting: talk about yourself10:35 Be a real person12:35 Manage your expectations and don’t personalize what your teen says or what they do.15:50 Three Step Apology17:10 The core belief of shame and what that means26:54 Feel the fear and do it anyways:  People/children may not realize that the anxiety is often present when you are doing something new27:41 “Can you give yourself permission to….”28:25 “You must have a good reason for…” 34:18 Creative solution brainstorming with your child - Practice brainstorming without evaluation36:52 Shaping behavior - step by step successes.Leslie-ism: Practice listening to your child - We have two ears and one mouth - listen twice as much as you talk.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and LeslieCohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.